USMNT to play Vietnam, AO organizes viewing parties

Omaha, NE - At the twin unveiling of their Alamo themed Mexico poster and the announcement of an upcoming international friendly soccer match between the United States and Vietnam, the American Outlaws have announced their plans to host a viewing party. TNN met with American Outlaws representative Bruce Ternasky at the Omaha Hooters so he could go over some of the ideas that they were working on to celebrate the event and to take advantage of the happy hour $1 Jello-shots and $8 pitchers of Bud Light.

"Remember the Alamo", said jingoistic people everywhere who forget that the nascent Republic of Texas lost that battle and lost the Alamo..... Or tend to forget things like Jim Bowie being a profiteering slave trader who had renounced his US Citizenship for Mexican citizenship. Or the issue that most historians consider it extremely likely that Crockett never actually wore a coonskin cap (essentially the image used is really more like Fess Parker during the Disney series than an actual depiction of Crockett). Or the fact that utilizing the idea of the imagery of the location of the death and injury of roughly 180 to 250 soldiers on the side of the Republic of Texas and 400 to 600 Mexican soldiers to make a point in soccer is pretty unsavory. Y'know.... Basic History.

“First off I just gotta say that we are going to really kick their asses again, just like my grandpa did back in ‘62. It’s going to be a slaughter, bro. So according to AO bylaws we have to not only have a party the day of the game but we need one the day before so we’re going to go out and just get wrecked and watch a bunch of old Vietnam movies like Platoon and Saving Private Ryan to really get our blood going.

The next day is going to be ultra-intense. Our catering plan for booze is to have one keg for every 4 people and to also have screwdrivers available. We’re mixing up vodka with, you ready for it? Agent Orange Juice. Sick, right? I know. So yeah that’s all the drinks down but then we also have to have a bunch of Vietnam themed food so we’re going to fry up a bunch of Hamburger Hill Hamburgers and instead of beer nuts we’re going to make ‘Ho Chi Minh Trail Mix.’ Get this, we’re going to get a bunch of that powdered alcohol to sprinkle all over the trail mix. Genius right? We’re going to get so wrecked.”

When asked about sanitation concerns with the amount of people expected at the event Ternasky replied with: “Nah nah nah nah nah. Don’t worry about that. We got it covered. We even came up with a theme for it. So we rented out a bunch of port-o-potties and we’re going to have them out back of the building. We’re calling it “The Tour of Doodie." Ternasky then began to laugh and foam from his Bud Light reportedly came out of his nose.

We then asked about the perception that many have of this event being highly offensive. “It’s all good, bro, the war happened like 60 years ago or something. It’s not like it was 14 years ago, which was 2001, by they way in case you had forgotten.” He then stared at our TNN reporter for fifteen seconds without speaking and then continued. “Our boys are going to be going on the Tet Offensive and it’s up to us to keep the home fires burning with lots of meat piled on them.”

MLS To Consider Philadelphia Expansion

Philadelphia, PA - After realizing the colossal mess up they made in handing a franchise with built in, passionate fans to an ownership group that hired Peter Nowak, John Hackworth and about 486 goal keepers in 6 months, Major League Soccer (MLS) has reportedly started eyeing a new Philadelphia team.

"Philadelphia is a great soccer market with 12,000 season tickets before the first season even began and the ownership there managed to get them to dead last in the league in just 5 years. It's quite an accomplishment", said commissioner of MLS Don Garber. "I mean, even Chivas USA had a resurgence for a couple years before going into the tank. These guys have just managed to find a new way to sink lower and lower in front of a loyal fan base that still manages to try to fill the building nearly every season."

"When you add in a Nowak double lawsuit that alleged both wrongful termination as well as financial improprieties on player transactions by the coach as well as unethical conduct, creating a culture of fear and a hostile work environment and the team acting as the rehabilitation location for Conor Casey's frequent dalliances with the injury list it's a wonder the Union had any fans out there at all." said Philadelphia Union beat reporter Harold Dubois. 

TNN asked Don Garber his opinion on how they would go about the situation with the Union and he had the following to say, "We are debating between rewarding horrible ownership via the Chivas Method (TM) by paying off current ownership with millions of dollars above their buy in price so that they leave and we can sell the Union to an insanely wealthy, homophobic, oil and gas ownership group from the Middle East; or just 'contracting' the team and starting a new team in Philadelphia called the Philadelphia Shmunion." said commissioner Garber. "I'm pretty sure that the fans won't notice the difference if we just do this without telling everyone with a backroom secret vote that isn't revealed until the team is disbanded and we are already working on branding the new team as being the right, responsible ownership in the league. Look what the fans don't know won't kill them and holy crap they don't know a lot."

TNN was able to verify through Mr. Garber that this new Shmunion team would make retired goalkeeper Kasey Keller their first signing, if this second option happens.

Number Of Available Excuses Relax Portland Timbers

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers ownership and Public Relations teams today admitted that the vast number of excuses that they have available for the 2015 season make it easy for them to relax.

"With Diego Valeri and Will Johnson out for the first few months we already had the excuse of 'missing our star players' available. Then when Ben Zemanski went down, we were able to add "embattled team pushes on' and then when we lost Michael Nanchoff we realized that we hit the absolutely perfect scenario" said owner Merritt Paulson. "We realized that no matter the result we now have an absolutely perfect excuse available.

All available scenarios are now covered for the rest of the year. If we win, it was a plucky win against the odds. If we lose, it was our shorthanded boys giving the maximum effort. If we draw, it was a great result that allows us to wait until our injured players come back. We basically could tie every game for the season, miss the playoffs and still be able to blame our performance on bad luck and missing key players."

Coming off a loss against the Vancouver Whitecaps, the Timbers public relations team was equally satisified with their level of excuses heading into week five. The head of public relations for the team, Dave Tern, stated, "Yeah, it's great. By doing virtually nothing with regard to replacing our missing players in the offseason, Merritt has allowed us to be able to excuse away the lack of wins in the first four weeks. Even the last three years have been a cakewalk despite the Timbers having more ties than fathers day."

TNN asked Mr Tern and Mr Paulson about their opinions on how the fans would take this new found wellspring of excuses and Mr Paulson answered the question with the following statement. "The fans? Who gives a shit. I'd like to replace them all with fans who would just shut up and spend more money on the club. They are replaceable, I am not."

1906 Ultras Hire Michael Vick As Rebranding Advisor

San Jose, CA - After the San Jose Earthquakes supporter group known as the “1906 Ultras” came under scrutiny by MLS teams and other supporters groups for misconduct, they decided to try and leave the past behind them by updating their group name and by working to rebrand their image. The group decided to spearhead this new PR campaign by enlisted the consulting services of Michael Vick, the NFL quarterback convicted of running a dogfighting operation out of his house.

TNN spoke to Michael Vick to gain some insight into his plans for improving the groups image. “I am absolutely confident that I can help the 1906 Ultras regain some respect in the league the same way in which I was able. First up we changed the name to San Jose Ultras. Second we’re going to start over-publicising some charity work to really make any of their critics look like tools. Even without any prior history of actual charity work being done by the 1906 Ultras, with enough over-inflated publicity we can whitewash public perception so that the public will forget what they did and this whole thing can be taken out to the yard and buried.”

TNN met with a member of the 1906 Ultras who agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity and on the condition that he could take a selfie of us and him wearing a scarf over his face that he could post on ultras-tifo.net. “Michael Vick ran a dogfighting operation where they would kill dogs by slamming them on the ground, electrocuting them, or hanging them, and this all after they were forced to fight to the death. After just serving a little bit of time in prison and doing some minor charity work he was able to come back into the NFL making millions. He has proven himself successful in being able to wash away metaphorical and literal blood off his own hands. We just want to get people to forget that we yelled shit a few times and ALLEGEDLY beat a few men and women up. Vick is totally the person to represent us and help us remake our image.”

Vick insists that patience is the key to changing the attitudes of their critics. “I keep telling them to never give up and that they’ve still got a dog in this fight. Sure that dog might be chained up and getting meaner and meaner but once we let that dog go he’s going to tear out the throat of negative public perception.”

Man Writes Glowing Profile of FC Edmonton Despite Having Never Been There

Edmonton, AB - American writer Jason Dryer wrote an expansive article praising FC Edmonton despite having never even stepped foot in the province of Alberta.

Dryer said, "It's hard out there as a blogger and writer to find unique viewpoints and locations for a new soccer story. However, when I heard about 'The Eddies' I realized that I had hit a home run. I had the distinct chance of covering a new Detroit City type story and I figured that the best way to do this would be from my couch in Los Angeles." 

Dryer used gross generalizations and facts from Wikipedia as well as repeat viewings of the John Candy movie "Canadian Bacon" to fill out his story while utilizing pictures from the web of players that are no longer with the team. 

"It doesn't matter whether I am factually right or whether I am wrong, they are small team so they will appreciate any coverage even if it is shit coverage. Also, their fans should thank me that I care enough to even write a profile about them in the first place. I mean honestly, I'm just doing this so that I can increase my twitter followers and get more access and information from MLS teams who are slowly starting to realize that I am reliable wellspring of ass kissing."

TNN was able to obtain a statement from FC Edmonton on the piece, "We truly enjoyed Mr Dryer's coverage of FC Edmonton and hope to host him at a game soon!"

When asked about this statement from FC Edmonton, Dryer said the following, "I'll write the most glowing review they have ever seen if they pay for me to come out there."

Rob Heineman: "Major League Soccer Really Offers Me The Chance To Be An Asshole"

Kansas City, KS - Caught in a web of stupidity, Rob Heineman (CEO) and Sporting Kansas City decided to firmly entrench themselves by using the press to insult the press after getting mad at the press.

"I've always wanted to be a megalomaniacal asshole", said Heineman "and being the CEO of a soccer club in Kansas City allows me the ability to really crank up the madness. Major League Soccer really offers me the chance to be an asshole."

Heineman, reportedly, has taken to telling everyone in his office what they can say and what they can't say by providing them with detailed scripts that they must use for all conversation during the day. As well, a new stadium policy requires all attendants to firmly declare their occupation before they enter Sporting Park into a two way radio that only Heineman hears after which Heineman himself (in conjunction with a partnership with LinkedIn) will determine if they can enter and watch Sporting Kansas City play.

"No journo's in my club. Snitches get stitches. I'm gonna go all thug on these journo's." said Heineman "They call me paranoid, they call me insane, but if they don't get on MY narrative they are going to be calling for a new job. I'll replace each and every reporter, if I get my way. Just like our shit players. Hell, I'll replace each one of the fans. I've talked to other owners, the best way to handle controversy is to act like a spoiled five year old child. 

Step 1: Insult the bloggers

Step 2: Insult the Journalists

Step 3: Insult the Fans

Step 4: Attempt to replace as many of the prior three as possible with people who are on your bandwagon.

It's simple really. No one gets to report on what I said, and you can  print that."

Heineman then picked up a bat, smashed a table and walked out of the room screaming, "I AM ABOVE THE LAW"

Artist Rendering of Heineman at work

TNN will report on this story as it continues.

Regional, Soccer Playing Argentinian Introduces North America To New K-Pop Sound

Barcelona, SP - Major League Soccer and New York Red Bull's superfan Lionel Messi introduced North America to the sounds of new Korea Pop (K-Pop) supergroup  X-TREME Man Deluxe on Sunday.

Messi, who has been known to wear a Chris Duvall kit to bed, plays for a poor, regional soccer club named Barcelona. Barcelona recently sent a delegation to Major League Soccer to learn the intricacies of pandering to the lowest common denominator via video and getting fans to love it. 

In a fit of cultural relations the commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, has reportedly been in conversation with X-TREME Man Deluxe to play the halftime show of the Major League Soccer All-Star game with now retired MLS Superstar and clearly reticent rapper Steve Zakuani.

"I'd literally do anything. ANYTHING. I MEAN FREAKING ANYTHING, including horrible sexual things that you can't even imagine to get Lionel Messi in an MLS Stadium", said Don Garber.

TNN will stay abreast of Garber's pandering as it happens.

Mediocre Man Offers Mediocre Opinions On Mediocre Season

Houston, Texas - With the first couple weeks of the 2015 MLS season underway most teams have three games behind them and Houston Dynamo analyst David Williams sat with TNN to discuss his take on the season so far and predictions for how the season will progress.

“We’ve had a win and a loss and a tie, “ David said as he stirred a pot of Hamburger Helper, “That’s pretty good I guess. I don’t really expect too much from the team at this point. Or ever really. If we win, we win. If we lose, we lose. It’s not really a big deal to me either way.”

As he reached into the refrigerator for a can of Coke Zero we asked him to give us his take on the dynamics of the teams playing style this year and if it provided more spectating excitement than in previous seasons. “I dunno. I can’t really tell the difference. I’ve heard that European soccer is pretty exciting but I’ve never bothered to watch a game so I can’t really compare it to anything. To me MLS seems just fine. I go to the games, have some hot dogs, maybe a beer, two if I’m feeling wild. I usually buy a new kit each year to support the team but I generally only wear them when I go to the gym, which is like once a month or something. What was the question? Oh, dynamics. Yeah, it’s pretty good. Seems like it anyway.”

We asked David how he goes about sharing this overflowing passion of the game that he has with his twelve year old son, Peter. “Peter sat and watched part of a game last year with me and I thought he might like to have a ball of his own so I picked one up from the church yard sale last year. It was like fifty cents and helped the high-school youth group get a new ping-pong table. Anyway, the ball is usually just laying out in the yard. If I’m out mowing the lawn and Peter is around I’ll kick it out of my way over towards him. Sometimes he tries to kick it back but usually it just stays where it lands after I kick it until next time I mow that spot.”

As we left David sat down on his Ikea couch to turn his keen analytical eye to the NYCFC vs New England Revolution game. He then turned on his picture-in-picture to TNT which was airing a rerun of Two And A Half Men. He then swapped pictures leaving the MLS match in the bottom right corner.   We can also report that he opened a bottle of Miller High Life, took a drink, and was quoted as saying: “Mmmmm. That's good.”

TNN will keep readers posted on further updates.

Man Who Watches MLS Saturday Games Slips Into Coma

Des Moines, IA - Local resident and Major League Soccer (MLS) aficionado Gerry Pulaski,  was found unresponsive by friends and family after attempting to watch a Saturday marathon of MLS games. TNN was able to speak with his wife Carlotta on the situation and why Gerry is now in intensive care.

"Well, Gerry is a huge soccer fan and was looking forward to some great games, but they were all just so horrible. He watched one after the other after the other and slowly his ability to reason was lost. He started babbling about how it isn't all about the goals, but I knew that he was just rationalizing. He lost the ability to tell basic time and perform general math during the Colorado versus NYCFC match. Then during the Sporting Kansas City versus Portland Timbers match, he voided his bowels and started raving incoherently. I just thought it was from the heavy amount of beer that he consumed in order to make the games interesting, or perhaps a mixed reaction from all the Cialis in his system, but during the first part of the Los Angeles Houston he seemed better. Unfortunately he then fell apart during the last 60 minutes of the game when it became apparent that he was about to watch his fourth draw of the day" said Carlotta Pulaski

Reports of other fans running the New England Revolution v Montreal Impact, Colorado v NYCFC, Sporting KC v Timbers, LA v Houston gauntlet with grim results surfaced early on Monday as emergency rooms were flooded with bored soccer patients.

"It was awful, just awful. I blacked out around the 30th minute of Colorado versus NYCFC, and that is what saved me from having a dullness caused aneurysm" said NYCFC fan Donald Brixton.

"Somewhere in between the first and second half of SKC versus Portland, my husband found me shaking uncontrollably on the couch muttering 'Twellman was right, won't someone actually try to win and score an actual game winning goal' It was awful." said Houston Dynamo fan Larry Teshino. "I almost didn't recover in enough time to watch Houston play"

TNN will try to continue to cover this wave of mediocre play and horrible finishing, if we don't fall asleep while watching all the games because they were so effortlessly dull.

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 3-16-2015

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of March 16th, 2015.

In response to "How many different songs will NYCFC supporters sing by the end of the season?" the message and mandate was clear.

UNBELIEVABLY, in a week filled with dour draws that underwhelmed  in Major League Soccer, this poll, as well, finished in a tie. With an underwhelming 40% of the vote the result was split between

0 songs - The club didn't pay 100 million dollars to hear people sing

AND

2 songs - Take Me Out To The Ballgame and 7 Nation Army 10000 times in one game.

May Peter Crouch in his infinite wisdom have mercy upon us all.

So say we all.

Abby Wambach Really Hopes Her NWSL Decision Overshadows Magic Jack Silence

Portland, OR - In an exclusive interview with The Nutmeg News, Abby Wambach confided that she really hopes that her decision to stop playing in the NWSL will whip up enough controversy to cover up the time where she didn't speak out or stand up for her teammates when the owner of Magic Jack was sexually harassing and demeaning players for Magic Jack.

Wambach started by saying, "I was thinking, whats a way that I could cover up the largest stain on my career. Then I realized that I could simply stop playing in the NWSL and that (in conjunction with other international players deciding to stop) would possibly bring down the league. I mean, bringing down a women's league in the United States has to be orders of magnitude worse than simply not saying anything about the abuses that went on with Dan Borislow and Magic Jack. So what if he sent an email to all the players asking them to call him 'Daddy'? So what if he threatened to remove his financial backing, which would collapse the league, if we didn't cooperate with his insane demands?  So what if he promised to help injured players only to later recant on his promises which made players actually have to pay for their own MRI's?

Look, even though players like Ella Masar eventually felt bad for not speaking up, I plan on never saying anything about Magic Jack. I mean, I was the player coach there so I may have had just a hint of responsibility, but NOW all anyone can talk about my legacy is potentially killing the NWSL and never winning the World Cup." 

When asked if she understood that she was contributing to the potential slow death of the NWSL with her faux-retirement Wambach said, "Oh who cares. Other than Portland and Seattle, this league is a shithole. I hope I end up playing a year in Barcelona for some money instead of trying to jog around a plastic field during the middle of the summer. I mean, seriously, who cares?"

Ali Curtis Announces That He Will Just Take Over Everything

Harrison, NJ - Ali Curtis, Sporting Director for Red Bull New York, has unveiled page 200 of his 300 page plan to run Red Bull New York at a press conference Thursday.  On that page it is written, "I am just going to do everything myself. #YOLO"

ARTIST RENDERING

Curtis then revealed that he has taken over the Technical Director position after removing Ricardo Campos from the position. Curtis also announced that he would be taking over the web production department, season ticket sales, mascot, travel coordinator, concessions on game day, the Red Bull New York twitter account, guiding patrons off the path train to Red Bull Arena, stadium security, groundskeeper, announcer, director of marketing, personal trainer to Luis Robles, and head of all supporters relations for the entire stadium. 

"There's no one better than me to run everything at Red Bull Arena. When you need something, see me. Need a beer? I'm your man. Need a gif for your twitter account? I'm making it now. Need a player to fill the midfield? I'm scouting him in Eastern Timor. Need a person to mow the grass into the shape of a sex toy? I'm there.", said Curtis

Curtis reportedly got the idea when he was assigned a book report on "The Grapes of Wrath" in high school and instead of reading the whole thing he just skipped around a few chapters before settling on the quote from the character Tom Joad that would drive his life forward

"Wherever they’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever they’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there" - The Grapes Of Wrath

Curtis then revealed that he will also be the third goalkeeper for the Red Bulls and will be coaching the team when he inevitably fires Jesse Marsch in 10 months. 

"It's important to have the continuity and trust that I have in myself at all positions and eventually it will be important that I am in all positions. All your base are belong to me. ALL OF IT! HASHTAG YOLO", said Curtis before he guffawed in a way that seemed a bit evil and then left the podium without taking comments.

New Podcast Adds To The Cluttered Landscape of Half-Dead Podcasts

Lexington, KY - Soccer lover James Hiberdon decided to start a new soccer podcast focused on the North American game before realizing how much work it is and abandoning it.

"My goal was to finally have an honest discussion with people about the game in the United States, but I had to find equipment and record and try to find guests and I couldn't get past 100 followers on twitter. It was all just so very depressing", said Hiberdon.

This was Hiberdon's third attempt at starting a podcast but he considers it a victory, "well the other two we never even got out of the planning stage, I mean we just sat around and argued about what the name of the podcast was going to be and that broke up the first group. With the second podcast, we didn't have anyone who could figure out the encoding and uploading portion so we just bagged that. However, the THIRD podcast was a glorious phoenix of information for 3 and a half episodes before we just got bored and frustrated."

Hiberdon still managed to harangue people on Twitter, Reddit, Facebook and even Google + to listen his podcast for weeks after the podcast was dead in a hope that he could attract an audience with the back catalog of 3 shows. "People just don't know how good it could be. My voice and perspective is important. To replace podcasting, right now, I'm going to go into writing user submitted columns to SB Nation. There I should be able to build up my listener base, and I know that everyone will get to see my unique perspective and want more."

Billy Beane Loves Money And Hates Soccer

Oakland, CA - Despite the unparalleled stupidity of the Moneyball philosophy practiced by most clubs (as defined by the attempt to find value pickups while simultaneously giving a team the ability to claim poverty as well as underdog status and forcing the fans of that team to be content with being mired in mediocrity) Billy Beane is still finding gainful work in a field he knows absolutely nothing about.

America's great export to the world of branded sports portfolio management recently was hired at dutch club AZ Alkmaar where he will almost certainly be let go with little fanfare in about a year or two.

"I know very little about the statistical nuances of soccer, but what I do know is the way to make a millionaire or billionaire feel better about investing small amounts of money in the club he bought as a play toy or investment so that he can theoretically compete against other millionaires and billionaires.", said Beane.

"No one wants to be embarrassed when they are at the heli-skiing lodge in Canada that their sports portfolio is under performing, that's why Moneyball is here. We exist to make everyone feel better about their investments by allowing rich men to tell poor men that they don't have enough money to compete with other rich men in a way that makes poor men feel smart and involved with statistics."

TNN will continue to cover Beane's ascension to ridiculous demi-god status for sports nerds who care less about the beauty of the game and more about the slow strangulated death by garrote of the beauty of soccer by statistical analysis as Beane attempts to learn how to quantify a Cruyff turn in an excel spreadsheet datapoint, as it happens.

Cristiano Ronaldo To Play For Money

NEW YORK - Cristiano Ronaldo went on record, on Tuesday, as saying that at some day he may take a large pay day to preen around the fields in Miami and play for a team that doesn't even exist.

At his announcement house in Manhattan, atop a recently renovated children's orphanage, Ronaldo made an announcement that at some point in the future he would likely consider playing at certain locations in the United States.

"There's a lot of money in the United States and I would like some. I've already taken a lot of money in Spain and England. However, there appears to be a lot more money in the United States." said Ronaldo.

Despite a degenerative knee condition called tendonosis and frequent hip issues, the Portuguese start said that he is only 30 right now. In about 6 years when David Beckham finally has some kind of team and community goodwill he can come over and cash a few hundred million and play to the admiring crowds. 

"When you are the king, it is good to cash in. Just ask Pele!" said Ronaldo. "I've wanted to play for Miami ever since I heard about them two minutes ago. The money sounds good, the money sounds good, and the money sounds good. Also, the beaches are great for my tan and I'll have a stipulation in my contract that says I never have to play on the road. I'm all on board for the Miami Fighting Golden Balls SC sponsored by MAACO."

TNN reached out to David Beckham with no response.

Denver Polling Reveals That Most People Want To Raft Rapids Not Watch Them

Denver, CO - Recent polling in Colorado reveals that the Major League Soccer team, The Colorado Rapids, are about as well known as actual whitewater rapids in the state. The Nutmeg News canvased different neighborhoods in the Denver area to gauge whether or not the residents of Denver even knew that they had a soccer team at all and received the following responses.

"Are you here to talk about the Broncos?" - James Randolph- Littleton, CO

"Peyton Manning is GOD!" - Steven Kenniworth - Parker, CO

"Soccer is for kids that can't make it as a defensive lineman." Ed Parenti - Highlands Ranch, CO

"I went to the stadium once for a Kenny Chesney concert." - Peter Northcutt - Denver, CO

"Hell yes I want a trip to go run some Rapids. Oh, what? No, I'm busy that weekend." - Gary Kimbell - Cherry Creek, CO

"Soccer? I love the sport. My team? Real Madrid!" - Andy Williamson - (LoDo) Denver, CO

Out of the 100 people that we spoke with that did indicate a love for the game of soccer, TNN asked those soccer lovers to name 11 Colorado Rapids players. Only five named a current player with 10 naming former player Pablo Mastroeni. When informed that the only team in Colorado to win a championship in the last 14 years was the Rapids, the response overwhelmingly was "Well, It's only soccer. It doesn't count."

TNN reached out to Stan Kroenke, owner of the Rapids, and received the following response, "I own the Colorado Rapids?"

Sporting Kansas City Petitions For Re-Admittance Into MLS East

Kansas City, KS - After realizing that playing in the Western Conference of Major League Soccer (MLS) is like a tense,  joyless slaughterhouse; Sporting Kansas City petitioned Major League Soccer to let them back into the Eastern Conference.

"They told us that we would enjoy the change of pace, but I'm already missing the 6 opportunities to play against Orlando and NYCFC and the 3 opportunities to play against a New England side that looks thinner than paper left out in the rain", said head coach Peter Vermes. "And Montreal, Chicago... I mean I'm just thoroughly heartbroken that we don't get 6 games against them either." 

Rumblings from inside the locker room reveal the same thing, "When we were in the East, we could pencil ourselves in for a playoff spot with frequent regularity. Now we are at the bottom of the Western Conference after two games looking up", said one player who asked not to be identified.

"Man, Fuck This shit. Can we go play Chicago again?", said another unidentified player.

While getting ready for next week, the team can at least look forward with some hope. They play at home against a Portland side that is only one point ahead of Kansas City for last place. Rumors have swirled that Merritt Paulson attempted to apply for the same transition to the Eastern Conference stating, "I don't care how it happens, I'd just like to win a freaking game in March."

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 3-9-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of March 9th, 2015.

In response to "Did Clint Dempsey Dive?" the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 64% of the vote, the majority of you said 

YES - I am a Timbers fan

This was followed up in second place by ENOUGH - I hate CASCADIA Circle Jerks and MAYBE - I'm a New England Fan With A Dempsey Revolutions Kit In My Closet And I'm Very Torn About This Whole Thing, which was accidentally split into two categories when intern Trevor Billings put "Revolutions" instead of "Revolution" in the survey answer title. Trevor has since been fired and is now playing a defensive midfielder position for the Revolutions.

American Outlaws Reach Out To Female Fans

Omaha, NE - In response to the public outcry over the scathing article about the American Outlaws (AO) that, among other claims, alleged a severe lack of respect for female fans including an incident of unwanted fondling, the American Outlaws organization today has announced that they will begin a new PR campaign to try and not only draw in new female fans but to also repair relationships with the old.

Bruce Ternasky, a representative from the American Outlaws, met with TNN at the Omaha Hooters ‘restaurant’ to go over their new strategy to try and mend fences. “The ladies are super important to us and we have got to have them in here on game day, bro. We don’t want the AO to turn into a giant sausage fest, you know what I’m saying?” He illustrated this point by touching the tips of his index fingers together and slowly shaking his head.

We then asked Mr. Ternasky to expound upon their proposed two-pronged approach to increasing the female membership in the group. “Well first off we want to encourage the chicks we do got to help by bringing all their girlfriends along to support the USMNT. So we came up with a plan to reward members by giving them membership discounts if they bring a new friend who signs up. We are calling this campaign: ‘Does She Have A Sister?’ and we think it will be awesome at bringing in fresh meat, I mean members.”

Credit to www.twitter.com/MLSist

Mr. Ternasky paused momentarily to do three ‘Jager-bombs’ and then continued. “As for the girls who we chased off? Look, these girls have got to know that we didn’t really mean it, it’s just supporting the team, it didn’t mean anything. It’s not a great excuse but when there’s a lot of drinking going on we’re going say and do things we regret later on. We’re sorry and we just want a chance to make it up to them. That’s why we created the second campaign called “Aw, Come On Baby, You Know We Loves You” designed to specifically bring back those we have hurt in the past. We’re going to treat all those ladies so much better this time, we just need another chance. We’re going to wine ‘em, dine ‘em, and sixty-nine ‘em.”

After finishing a Corona, Ternasky then got up and left, leaving TNN to pick up the tab.

A&E Beat: Sandler And Schneider Confirm Tigres Movie Rumor?

San Nicolas de los Garza, MX - Rumors of the long awaited buddy comedy "Pride Of The Tigres" based upon Tigres Futbol warmed up today as rabid Tigres fan and comedian extraordinaire, Rob Schneider, posed in a picture with buddy comedian Adam Sandler, seemingly confirming the long rumored picture.

TNN A&E Reporters were able to speak to an inside movie studio source on the matter.

“We couldn’t be happier about the upcoming flick with Schneider and Sandler! Though it is slated to come out in late 2016, the entire filmworld is abuzz about this project. The basic premise is that the movie is a bizarro world 'Pride Of The Yankees', except without any of the depressing Lou Gehrig's disease nonsense at the end. 

Rob Schneider is a simple American who is hit on the head while trying to shop at a Wal-Mart for branded Ford Products and well placed Coca-Cola products and he wakes up in the body of a Tigres Futbol player. Meanwhile, Schnieder’s buddy (played by Sandler) is in San Nicolas de los Garza on a business trip and he finds out that Schneider has been body transplanted, so they figure out a way to win the league with the smarts of two middle class guys from the USA and the talent of a kid from Mexico, while also finding hijinks and love.”

TNN: "Don't you feel that utilizing even the framework of Pride of the Yankees is inherently offensive for the millions of people with ALS as well as the memory of Lou Gehrig?"

MS: "Of course not, that's why we are eliminating the disease part of the movie and setting it in Mexico. No one wants to watch human suffering and pathos. They want boobs and explosions and laughs and dramatic scenes cut into slow motion that make us realize how close a team is to losing before they win in a funny way."

TNN: "All that aside, isn't the basic premise of the film relatively  stupid, far fetched, and extremely patronizing?"

MS: "Probably! But hell, we made Deuce Bigalow 2: European Gigolo and even that pile of shit made 22 million gross at the box office.”