Man Spends Weekend Enjoying Soccer Unaware That He Should Be Miserable

Boston, MA - Local soccer supporter Paul Cappel recently spent the weekend enjoying soccer despite the fact that, according to leading internet trolls, he should feel miserable all the time about the game.

The face of a man who hasn't checked the responses to his innocuous soccer loving tweet.

Mr. Cappel reportedly detailed, on Twitter, an enjoyable weekend of watching the Revolution defeat Sporting Kansas City, LAFC's opening game in their new stadium, Manchester City defeating West Ham, Chelsea defeating Swansea, and 20 minutes of the Dortmund v Werder game before he went and played pick up soccer in a local park.

"It was a great weekend watching some fun games #MLS #Soccer," Tweeted Mr. Cappel to dozens of online trolls who patiently waited to tell him how utterly shit his viewing experience was this weekend.

"He should understand that he is watching inferior soccer in a cartel environment and that he is enabling all of these things," stated righteous blowhard soccer fan and gatekeeper Eli Taylor. "He must grow to understand that he is a shit fan watching shit players and that he should only watch the best of the best play each other."

Reportedly, Cappel was inundated with responses to his morning tweets from anonymous soccer fans who vigorously told him how incorrect he was for enjoying the games this weekend as they criticized his love of his local side, watching additional MLS games and watching only big money clubs overseas.

"Everything I did was wrong," stated Cappel to The Nutmeg News. "I thought I was supposed to support my local club, but that was wrong. I thought I should find a team in England to watch, but that was wrong. I don't even know how to watch the game anymore, apparently."

Friends state that Cappel was in a joyous mood  on Monday after a great weekend until he was told repeatedly, online, that he was a sheep watching shit players playing in an unauthentic league and simultaneously a glory-hunting ignoramus tearing apart the fabric of the homegrown support overseas.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cappel spends the rest of his Monday online as he reads one reply after another and one troll account after another until he isn't certain that he really likes the game or any of the people involved with soccer on a regional or national level.

Space-X Launches Mission To Retrieve Michael Bradley Penalty Kick From Orbit

Cape Canaveral, Florida - Space-X, today, launched a mission to retrieve Michael Bradley's penalty kick from Earth Geosynchronous orbit.

Space-X owner Elon Musk said that part of their mission would be to test a new multi stage rocket technology that allows the company to reconnect stages in space and then land them in the guise of famous landmarks. The Mission Bradley rocket will land as a full scale replica of the Eiffel Tower with Bradley's Ball as the pinnacle of the radio tower.

"This new technique of retrieving poorly struck penalty kicks and shots is something we've been developing for FIFA for the past 5 years," stated Musk to our reporter. "The impetus was placed upon us after the Sergio Ramos penalty miss and the Wondolowski shank."

According to insider sources, NASA informed Space-X that there is entirely too much soccer related debris orbiting the Earth and that they are concerned with launching future missions to repair spy satellites if they have to plow through every shanked penalty kick that is now in orbit over Russia.

"It is our hope that we can contribute to the clean-up of space and retrieve Bradley's ball from orbit. This is a test case that will eventually let us post someone up in space with a life raft and a net to catch future penalty kicks from American players," stated Musk.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Space-X nicknames this Operation Trinidad.

Soccer Fan Divesting His Fandom In Manchester United And Buying Heavy In Wolverhampton

Denver, CO - Financial analyst and soccer fan David Headway stated that he is, "Selling United and Buying Wolverhampton," as he attempted to get an edge on the 2019/2020 Premier League Season.

"It's important for me to buy low, become a fan before Wolverhampton are back in the premier league, and get some good value from my pick before selling all my gear on Ebay when it becomes clear they will become relegated," stated Headway to our reporter.

Headway reportedly spent the afternoon combing over the tables attempting to find good value for money as he finally realized that he needed to sell high on United during the FA Cup Final so he can get better value as a fan for Wolverhampton.

"This is all about return on my investment as a fan," stated Headway. "I need to ensure that I've got a good portfolio going. I'm invested in Bayern Munich because they are a strong performer. I went IN on Juventus late last year with a cheeky jersey purchase, and I'm hedging heavy on Valencia as a sell high option. I'm likely cashing in on them and moving my fandom to Real Madrid in 2019 as they will likely spend an asinine amount of cash between now and then giving me a very good return in terms of overall drama and insanity as a new Madridista for next season."

Headway's first love, however, remains English Football and the Denver native admits it is here where he has really made his speculation pay off.

"I'll always remember selling high on Fulham after the Europa league final in 2010 and buying heavy in Leicester. Half my closet was Leicester clothes for three years. But I had to divest from them as they won the title because there's no possibility of getting any more value from that pick. I then moved on to being a Manchester United fan with the Mourinho acquisition and it's been a rocky road. I still feel like I let emotion get the better of me and I'll be happy if I can make it out of following this team on a break even basis."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Headway considers a jersey purchase investment in Scunthorpe for 2019.

With Wenger Leaving Arsenal, American With WengerOUT Sign Uncertain How He Will Get Attention Now

Tampa Bay, FL - Soccer fan Stephen P. Harriford  was reportedly incensed with Arsene Wenger for finally obeying his two stick of #WengerOut as the announced departure of the London boss ensured that Harriford would no longer be able to bring his two-stick to every single soccer game and event he attended in 2018.

"C'mon guys... it'll be funny! SO FUNNY! LIKE SO SO FUNNY! OMG! LETS BRING OTHER THINGS NEXT TIME TO THE GAME! LIKE A GIANT PEPE RIDING A DICKBUTT! 

SO

ORIGINAL

THESE

MEMES!"

"I've brought this thing to rec league games, MLS games, USL games, nearly anywhere that will let me in with the thing," stated Harriford to The Nutmeg News. "It was my 100% foolproof way of ensuring that I would get pictures taken of myself and gain national notoriety within the insanely tiny subgroup of passionate soccer fans. Now how am I supposed to become a celebrity in the stands?"

Harriford stated that with the official death of #WengerOut he is working on other ideas for the stands including bringing back old standards like "John 3:16", wearing full clown makeup or perhaps even a "Bababooey/Babadook" reference.

"Everyone loves Howard Stern again, right? I can't tell if this is dated or current. Typical Wenger never thinking of the fans. I will never understand why he didn't wait until the end of the season to announce his retirement so I could enjoy my moment in the sun. This was MY time to shine."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harriford dedicates himself to being the fan that starts The Wave. 

Anarchist Capo Wants You To Sing Your Own Song

Portland, OR - Anarchist capo Pete "Hayduke" Smith stated that he wants to utilize visual and audio cues to lead fans to a place where they ignore him and sing their own song culminating in a completely anarchic section where no central leadership is recognized.

"Do not listen to what I have to say!"

"If we all end up doing our own things loud enough and without any restrictions or rules, then we will totally come together and form a cohesive supporter group, one without rules, song sheets, or any kind of actual coherence. It'll be beautiful," stated Smith to The Nutmeg News.

"You are too reliant on us! Stop relying on us and rely on yourselves, but not because you're relying on me to tell you to rely on yourself, just do it yourself. Shit, I'm stuck in recursion.... Look, we just need to admit it's capos all the way down, but if we work together on working apart we can implement a new anti-statism loose collective in the stands that entails opposing authority or hierarchical organization in the conduct of human relations, including but not limited to, the state system and/or the singing of songs (or not) on the terraces, PT -- FC."

Fans in the sections that Mr. Smith capos indicate that he has taken to alternatively leading and then not leading his section as he looks to the throngs of people who look at him for guidance, for guidance.

"Listen to me, but simultaneously do NOT listen to me, but only listen to me if you need to listen and that doesn't violate the choices that your ears and brain make in concert with your brain which you should ignore as they are trying to control you, as well. YOU NEED TO STOP LISTENING TO ALL OF US BECAUSE I'm trying to tell you not follow me. So FOLLOW ME, to learn how to not follow me! Now sing your own song"

Timbers fan Susan Reynolds reportedly asked Mr Smith, "So should we be anti-anti-establishment and actually do what the Front Office says and stop cursing so much and spend more money on Front Office merch and not buy supporter group merch that doesn't actually support the team?"

His response illustrated much of his belief system as he stated in response, "Yes, but no if you are listening to me and yes if you are doing the opposite but only if the opposite is your free will and not part of a state system, informal or otherwise. You are clearly disobeying me which is the equivalent of opposing obeying the construct I provide, which is in itself a construct if you lead others to that viewpoint. This is unacceptable. I just want to free your mind, now here's another song you should sing only if you feel that you should sing, but you shouldn't listen to me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith makes a two stick for himself that reads, "NO gods, NO capos, now sing, or not."

Supporters Group Member Silently Tweets That People Need To Get Loud

Denver, CO - Rapids fan and supporters group member David Bentley was reportedly incensed at the lack of atmosphere during the recent victory against Toronto FC and silently took his frustration to Twitter, during the game, to complain about the lack of fans singing and paying attention to the game.

According to friends, the Centennial 38 member muttered under his breath about the lack of engagement as he utilized Twitter during the game to put everyone on blast for not singing.

"This place is going to be a library if you don't contribute," ranted Bentley to his twitter account @NugsPidsAvsBroncsRocks49  as he silently complained about the lack of effort in the stands. "We need everyone contributing and pushing their voices to the max," tweeted Bentley as he missed 10 minutes of game time composing the tweet and attempting to get it to send with the overworked data service in the area.

Friends say that Bentley is very passionate about encouraging expression in the grounds even as he stands stock still in the stands muttering disapproving statements under his breath.

"David is a big proponent of giving it your all, except for himself," stated good friend Benjamin Lauderdale."He typically stands there remaining relatively silent with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face, but that doesn't mean that other people should do the same."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bentley writes a multi-part tweet on people coasting in the supporters section.

Harry Kane Claims Last Two Goals Scored By The Seattle Sounders

LONDON - In a shocking move, Tottenham Hotspur forward Harry Kane has reportedly submitted an official claim to FIFA stating that he was responsible for the last two goals scored by the Seattle Sounders against Sporting Kansas City.

"I and I alone am responsible for the goals given to Cristian Roldan and Will Bruin," stated the Spurs striker. "In my effort towards the golden boot I will not be shortchanged by a clerical error."

Sources close to Kane indicate that his ability to connect Tottenham to Clint Dempsey and Clint Dempsey to the Sounders indicates that Kane is directly responsible for the goals which should be added to the forwards tally moving him only two goals behind Liverpool's Mohamed Salah for the English Premier League Golden Boot.

We reached out to Major League Soccer (MLS) for comment and they stated that they are conducting an internal review, but are ready to void the draw for the Sounders, award the goals to Kane and pay him a settlement fee as long as he agrees to come over and play in the league in 10 years and/or 4 ligament injuries.

"We will review this internally," stated director of Public Relations for MLS Jenna Aimes. "However, we will ensure that the mechanism is in place to allow Mr. Kane satisfaction and possibly to encourage his future participation in the league... possibly with our new Austin franchise in 2028."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kane considers claiming all future goals scored by Dempsey.

Newly Born New York Babies Given List Of Excuses Why They Will Not Attend Games At Red Bull Arena

NEW YORK - In a program created over the past 10 years, the nurses of Mount Sinai West and New York Presbyterian reportedly distribute a list of excuses cultivated since 1996 that indicate, in full, the reasons why the future adult in question will not attend any soccer games at Red Bull Arena.

".....And that's why you will support Manchester United despite never in your life stepping a foot in England."

"It was important for us to standardize the excuses ahead of time," stated Registered Nurse Sandra Halman. "We spoke to people on the street and scoured the internet for every possible excuse from, 'the PATH train is too complicated,' to the ever classic, 'I'm not rooting for any team named after an energy drink,' to the trendy xenophobic, 'there's too many fans from other countries there.' We then compiled this list and gave them to all the newborn infants over the past few years so that they would be prepared to come up with an excuse when they become the age where they want to experiment with soccer."

Sources within the Birthing Center of New York in Brooklyn indicate that they were reluctant to expose children to soccer at this early an age due to the fact that even the manufacturers of soccer were seemingly against advertisements.

"Given that the companies that provide this addictive sport think that it is too dangerous to advertise their team to the general populace, we were obviously very concerned about expressing these dangerous ideas to day old children," stated Obstetrician Patty Helms. "However, the risk of these children being born without the proper excuses as to why they will not attend games at Red Bull Arena far outweigh the dangers of exposing them to soccer before they are fully developed."

According to doulas with the Brooklyn Midwifery Group, even people interested in home births in the five boroughs are getting educated as the midwife community express the self evident truths of soccer support in the New York area during a, "Get to know your bloody show," event currently at the Placenta Pavilion on Birth Canal Street.

"It's important for these parents and these infants to understand the tug of local soccer and how best to resist it," stated Head Doula Dominque Swain. "We let parents know of the addictive chemical composition of local soccer injected with Taurine and Gluten. It's a very dangerous composition."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more excuses pile up from soccer fans in the area.

NYCFC To Re-brand As Sportvereniging Nieuw Amsterdam

NEW YORK - In light of the recent development that Futbol Club Cincinnati may change their name to Fussball Club Cincinnati in order to reflect the city heritage, New York City Football Club announced that they would re-brand as Sportvereniging Nieuw Amsterdam.

Even back THEN there wasn't any room for a stadium.

"It's important for us to have a name and identity that reflects the local history of this city," stated President Jon Patricof. "In this effort, we are going to re-brand to show the original Dutch heritage of this location."

Sources within Major League Soccer state that this is just an ongoing effort to re-brand teams to allow fans a better connection with their local history.

"The league is very interested in ensuring that fans feel connected to the historical information of a European past in their area," stated one anonymous source. "This is only the tip of the iceberg. The league plans on rolling out a re-branding for a number of clubs including the Philadelphia Union who will be re-brand as PSV Fort Nya Göteborg."

Speaking to fans of Sportvereniging Nieuw Amsterdam., they expressed a delight at purchasing new kits and scarves stating, "All we really wanted to do was to have an authentic experience and this is another step onto the platform of total authenticity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as none of the teams are re-branded to the original indigenous names of the regions.

Experienced Fan Around Major League Soccer Long Enough To Hope TFC Loses

WASHINGTON - Experienced soccer fan Andrea Guzman stated that she's been around Major League Soccer long enough to hope that Toronto FC lose their upcoming CONCACAF Champions League final as she stated, "If it's not D.C. United I hope they all fucking lose."

"Remember when D.C. United was the vanguard of supporters groups and on field prowess?"

We spoke with Ms. Guzman who indicated that her disdain comes from being a fan of a team in the league for some length of time.

"I've followed United since I was 12 years old back in 96. It's been over 22 years of following the boys, and I've come to realize that I don't really give a rat's ass about whether the league does something or not. In my world, if D.C. United isn't the one about the win the trophy then they can all just lose."

Friends of Ms. Guzman state that she only watches D.C. United games and doesn't even care to turn on other nationally broadcast games when they don't have her team playing.

"I don't care about whether the league makes it. It already has me as a fan of my own team and to be very honest my team is actively working to try to prevent me from being that. So pardon me if I just don't care whether the league gets another 3000 pages of content from a TFC win. If my team isn't going to be the first team to win this championship, why would I hope some other team does it?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Guzman avoids watching any of the CCL games by simply having a normal cable package.

English Team's Relegation Battle Killing Man's Passion For Local Team

Houston, TX - Stoke City and Houston Dynamo fan Gerald Coleman admitted that the seemingly unending four month winless streak by Stoke City that plummeted them into a relegation battle has completely killed all his passion for local team Houston Dynamo as the general malaise from watching one of his teams painfully slip into the Championship eats away at his soul.

C'mon they've one once in the last 15 games! That's great!

"Between Stoke City slowly unraveling and the Dynamo's start to the season I think I'm just completely numb to soccer," stated Coleman to The Nutmeg News. "Everyone keeps talking about how much fun a relegation battle is, but if your team is freefalling to the Championship by failing repeatedly over the course of five months it doesn't seem nearly as much fun as they say it should be."

Friends and fellow fans of the Dynamo were reportedly thrilled to be able to watch their local club again, but at the recent watch party for the game against the San Jose Earthquakes a despondent Coleman stated, "they are just going to fuck this up, like all the teams in my life," right before the Dynamo surrendered a 2-1 lead on the road.

"Soccer is just so dumb, and I want to spend my time doing anything else at this point," mumbled Coleman as his eyes glazed over at the site of Jahmir Hyka scoring for the Earthquakes in the 85th minute. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Coleman tries to look on the bright side of figuring out how to watch games in the Championship later this year.

"Of Course I'm Concerned With The Deepening Humanitarian Crisis In Syria, But Have You Heard That There's A Coach Within The USSF That Doesn't Utilize Rondos?"

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Hans Delbrook of Cornwall, Virginia.

"Dear Friend,

Of course I'm concerned with the deepening humanitarian crisis in Syria, but have you heard that there's a soccer coach within the US Soccer Federation developmental tiers that doesn't utilize rondos?

No? 

Well who cares about the upcoming deaths of people elsewhere when we have unqualified coaches out there that are not teaching the youth of our society about overload and mismatches in the game at a basic level.

Look, I'm not going to explain to you what a Rondo is because if you don't know what a Rondo is than you shouldn't be involved in soccer at all, at any level. However, let me tell you that this is the important conversation that we should be having today. Not about firing misseles into Syria, not about financial improrieties at all levels of government, we need to be talking about Rondos. 

We will never be a great soccer nation until we talk about rondos. We will never understand the game until all of our rondos are running rondos. We need to overload our overloads until our overloads have overloads overloading the overloads.

In short, attached you will find my Twitter thread with 364 posts spread out over 10 days on the rondo and coaches that I guess will not implement it because they are a part of the know-nothing cabal in the United States and I've never attended their training.

Thank you,

Hans"

New Study Indicates 9 Out Of 10 Women Don't Understand Offsides Rule

A new study committed by the Institute of Useless Things in Dayton, Ohio indicates that 9 out of 10 women don't understand the Offsides Rule. 

"Are you shitting me with this shit?"

Our reporters spoke to several women in the United States, who would return our phone calls, and asked them about the Offsides Rule and what they don't understand about it, with the following results.

"What is the offsides rule and is it like the offside rule?" asks Laura Billing, a know-nothing supporter of Minnesota United. "Guys always ask me if I know the offsides rule and I roll my eyes at them because there's nothing like overaggressive and incorrect gatekeeping to represent your gender in idiocy."

We spoke to soccer fan, rec-league referee and dog-fancy subscriber Bethany Jones of Santa Clara who stated, "Offsides? I don't know that one. If you are going to talk about the sport, why don't you use the correct terminology? How is this that difficult to understand? It is OFFSIDE... OFFSIDE..... for the love of god."

Jasmine Sinclair, a soccer supporter, librarian and fan of Hey Arnold, stated, "If you are going to come at me with this offsides garbage then you need to, right now, name 15 starters in the NWSL that aren't national team members. I bet you don't even know all the names of the teams."

Clearly the respondents are a small sample size, but the above statements show that, in-fact, all three women we spoke with had zero understanding of the Offsides Rule.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the investigation into the Offsides Rule, throw ins and that drunk idiot behind you in the stands that knows all the rules.

Supporter With Bedazzled Vest Not Certain Why Flair Is Banned In USL

Las Vegas, NV - Las Vegas Lights supporter Tiffany Hobb was reportedly flummoxed by talk about the league banning flair as she had no issue bringing in her bedazzled vest to the match against Swope Park Rangers on Saturday.

Like this, but more punk..... and with a head.

"I told my friends that I was going to bring a little bit of flair with me on Saturday and they all freaked out," stated Ms. Hobb. "The kept insisting I was going to get kicked out of the game. I don't know why it was so exciting for them, but they kept asking me what time I was going to, 'start the show.' They couldn't believe it when I said that I'd have it out for the entire game."

Hobb, reportedly, sat resplendent in her Swarovski Crystal emblazoned jean-jacket vest with appropriately placed Social Distortion and X patches for the entirety of the match without being accosted by security or being thrown out of the match.

She stated, "See! It wasn't a big deal," before attempting to see if there was a Lights patch available that she could sew onto her vest at a later date.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Hobb is removed for cursing at a Llama.

STILL No Canadian Teams Entered As Discrimination Continues In The 105th US Open Cup

Soccer teams from Canada were, reportedly, outraged as the rampant discrimination in the US Open Cup tournament continued for the 105th year with the announcement that not one single Canadian team made the tournament.

Halifax men's soccer teams Athens Too and Metro Mariners FC stated that they complied with every necessary requirement to enter the tournament only to grievously be overlooked for the United States championship.

"We are a strong Canadian team from Halifax. We aren't going to be afraid of some MLS team with their money," stated Mariners player John Jorgenson. "Just wait til they have to come here to play a game, then we will show them how to play."

Calls to US Soccer were not answered as The Nutmeg News searched for reasons as to why there is such discrimination against Canadian teams.

"We don't know why this keeps happening," stated director of Timbit procurement for Athens Too Stephen Harper. "We just know that one day a Canadian team will have a chance to play for the US Open Cup if we just keep working at it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we chase down an answer from US Scocer on their rampant discrimination.

CONCACAF Announces Hell In A Cell Rematch For Toronto FC And Club America

MIAMI - After last night's rumble on the frozen shores of Lake Ontario, the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football (CONCACAF) announced an immediate Hell In A Cell rematch scheduled for April 10th.

OH. MAH. GAWD.... HE GENTLY PUSHED HIM OVER WITH A NUDGE IN THE BACK!

HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!

"These two notorious brawlers aren't done yet," stated director of programming for CONCACAF, Shane McDowell. "Club America asked for a rematch and Toronto agreed. We will have a Hell In A Cell match in the luxurious Estadio Azteca. All rules are off as these two legends battle to determine once and for all who the preeminent side is in a competition that is moderately important for Club America but very important for Toronto FC."

McDowell indicated that CONCACAF legend and Count Chocula cosplay enthusiast Baldomero Toledo expressed interest in refereeing the bout but was disqualified due to being a current referee in MLS. Instead, Uzbek referee Ravshan Irmatov will take the reins and he informed both teams that no holds would be barred.

"SHIT IS GONNA GET WILD," stated America fan Carlos Gutierrez. "Although I hope that my buddy Paulo doesn't piss in a water bottle to throw at players. That was gross."

Sources with the Secretaría de Seguridad Pública de la ciudad de México indicate that both teams will be kept from each other in the tunnels unless they want to record a promo gone wrong opportunity where Miguel Herrera bursts into the TFC locker room and choke slams Greg Vanney through a conveniently clean table.

"We expect the best professionalism out of both teams," stated McDowell. "This isn't going to be like the Big Show on the mic. We expect something better out of both of these teams."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Giovinco walks onto the field in a Lucha Libre mask.

Physicists Say That Schrödinger's Zlatan Neither Proves Nor Disproves MLS Success

GENEVA - Physicists working on the Large Hadron Collider project for CERN state that the proposed thought problem of Schrödinger's Zlatan neither proves nor disproves the success of Major League Soccer (MLS).

See, the cat is the league... and the poison is the Zlatan. No... wait... the Zlatan is the cat and the league is the hammer.... no wait... the hammer is the playoffs and the poison is Drake's new album and the cat is the physical manifestation of the J. Geils Band.

"There is not possibility for us to know whether the league is alive or not alive by the inclusion of Zlatan," stated director of Physics, Applied Mathematics and Astral Projection Thom Bjorstson. "The thought exercise indicates that Major League Soccer exists in all forms, both dead and alive, thus proving that it exists in every state."

According to theoretical chemist and Fortnite streamer Kevin "Big Kev" Anderson, Zlatan proves that the league is a retirement league as he elucidated in a 45 minute rant in a video with 332 views.

However, scientists say that it is impossible to know the condition of the league without violating the rules of the thought experiment and that it shows that the league exists in all forms.

"We must be careful of the Zeno effect," stated Mr. Bjorstson. "If we look at the league too much it will accelerate the changes speeding up the opinion of the growth of the league or showing that it is declining. IT's important to keep Schrödinger's Zlatan as the thought experiment that it is without getting too much into that parallel universe shit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heisenberg's uncertainty principle explains the limit of expected goals.

"Soccer For All" Campaign Accused Of Being Unfair To Racists

The recent Major League Soccer anti-bigotry campaign of "Soccer For All" has been accused of being unfair to racists and bigots that might otherwise enjoy soccer.

You can learn more, here --> https://www.mlssoccer.com/post/2018/03/15/everyone-welcome-mls-works-launches-soccer-all-platform

"This is absolutely the MLS being unfair to me and my friends," stated noted racist, Youtube conspiracy streamer, and waste of human flesh Jim "Boss Hawgged" Dirfle. "I don't watch sports for politics, so you keep your leftist liberal communist ways away from my soccer. If I want to watch soccer and be racist, I'm gonna do it."

With the league heavily invested in anti-bigotry campaigns, over the years, a small number of fans claim that these initiatives are keeping them from enjoying another season of MLS because they are horrible people who think that they should be able to be racist all the time.

"If I can't watch a game and scream slurs at players I hate, then why even play the games at all," stated bigot Allie Mcraw.

"There should be a place for racist people and bigots where we can express ourselves at the stadium, but these snowflakes are determined to keep us from offending those delicate sensibilities," stated racist Jimmy Jim Jimmerson. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as extreme right-wing fans interpret this anti-bigotry campaign as an attack on themselves, which is a very curious thing... because it seems like the only reason you would be against a "soccer for all" campaign is if you didn't think soccer was for everyone.

Loaded Totchos Do Nothing To Salvage Indy Eleven Loss

Indianapolis, IN - Indy Eleven fan Andrea Gusforth stated that the loaded totchos she picked up at halftime of the recent Indy Eleven - FC Cincinnati game did nothing to salvage the 1-0 loss.

TOTCHOS - Or Loaded Tots - Either/Or. ... Oh... are we going to argue this point? Fine. LOADED TOTCHOS. LOADED TOTCHOS. LOADED TOTCHOS.

"My hope was that purchasing the loaded tots would lead to a victory," stated Ms. Gusforth to The Nutmeg News. "This strategy worked once before, so I was guaranteed that a comeback was going to happen. However, it did not."

Sources from around Ms. Gusforth indicate that her commitment to the Holy Loaded Totcho was only rivaled by her commitment to casting salt over her left shoulder and twirling her scarf in a clockwise (NOT COUNTER) fashion. 

"I'm not superstitious," argued Ms. Gusforth. "But I won't be buying those totchos again. For they have forsaken me in my time of need. WHY, TOTCHO? WHY?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME! These TOTCHOS did nothing to salvage this loss! Their fried goodness dried in my mouth like ashes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Gusforth switches to a blessed sacrament of the holy hotdog.