Worst Person You Know Now Subscribed To Twitter Blue

INTERNET - Sources say that the worst person you know online is now subscribed to Twitter Blue as soccer posts were inundated by the prioritization of the least intelligent discourse online.

“Oh… @USMNTfever is subscribed to twitter Blue? Yeah, not surprised,” stated one person online. “The moderately racist rants and overt Elon Musk fanboy posts really illustrate why they would shell out the money. It’s absolutely insane they have 15,000 followers online although if you look at their list of followers it is a lot of @usernamebunchofnumbers.”

Sources say that nearly every soccer post that includes some kind of mention of politics, policy, or even basic human functions now includes prioritized idiots arguing at the top of every feed.

“It’s great,” stated one veteran Twitter user. “Now I know who to block.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Twitter Blue subscribers complain about their lack of engagement.

Boston Based Tottenham Fan Wondering If He Really Made The Right Choice To Follow Team Forever By Randomly Picking Them On FIFA 8 years Ago

BOSTON - Boston based Tottenham Hotspur fan Paul Williams stated that the truly doesn’t know if he made the right choice by following Tottenham as his forever team when he randomly picked them on FIFA 2015 as his team to play.

“You know……………………..,” stated Williams with a deep sigh to his Harry Kane kit hanging in his closet, “I probably could’ve done some research first.”

Sources say that Williams was full of excitement to learn the ins and outs of the Premier League nearly 10 years ago as he began his deep descent into passionate soccer fandom.

“He REALLY got into Spurs,” stated Becky Goldman from Somerville. “One day it was Celtics this and Celtics that and the next day he was talking about whether Mauricio Pochettino was on his way to being the next Alex Ferguson.”

For his part, Williams stated, “wow,” at the recent developments with Spurs as he tried to figure out whether he was due a refund from the players for the last 8 years of his fandom.

“I mean, wow, if this is what it’s going to be like, then um… look… I’m just saying… I could’ve randomly picked Real Madrid instead.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams states that he bought a Vinícius kit because he just likes the way he plays.

SKC Superfan Placed In Protective Custody For His Own Safety

KANSAS CITY - Authorities in Kansas City announced today that Sporting Kansas City (SKC) superfan Kevin "KEVIÑCHO" Lopez has been placed in protective custody this weekend, "in order to provide for his own safety."

Viewers of Lopez's popular YouTube channel, on which he provides live commentary during SKC games, apparently contacted authorities after Lopez's 10-minute meltdown during SKC's 1-0 loss to the Colorado Rapids on April 2nd. In the YouTube video, Lopez was seen to curse the SKC team, SKC coaching staff, and SKC management in both English and Spanish during an extended rant.

Authorities have not disclosed Lopez's location but did issue a press release stating based upon the Colorada and San Jose game that they remanded Lopez to an unknown location. They stated that Lopez was resting comfortably and was being provided with a, "soothing environment," which included piped-in sounds of wind chimes and a babbling brook as well as videos of puppies and kittens.

Lopez will apparently be barred from watching any football content for the immediate future, although the press release did indicate that after an appropriate calming period Lopez would be eased back into watching football starting with career highlight reels of Diego Maradona and Lionel Messi followed by games of the 2000 Supporter's Shield and MLS Cup winning season of the Kansas City Wizards. In the latter case, authorities indicated that Lopez will be told that the videos are of current SKC games, and that the team fired head coach Peter Vermes and adopted a throw back game kit for the remainder of the season.

Lopez could not be reached for comment, although videos have emerged of Kansas City authorities removing him from his home during which he can be heard to shout "¡Abandonad la esperanza, todos los que entráis CMP!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an appearance by KEVIÑCHO on a YouTube stream starts rumors of a replacement illuminati doppelincho.

MLS Concerned That Punishing Vanzeir Will Alienate Racist Fans

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) insiders stated that the league was concerned that punishing Dante Vanzeir additionally for admitted racist language would alienate racists, as they push to create a big tent for everyone to enjoy soccer.

“We aren’t a political sport,” stated one league insider. “And if racists want to come enjoy soccer we don’t want to make them feel bad for their racist outbursts. Punishing Vanzeir additionally for what happened wouldn’t do anything for our brand other than making it appear that we don’t accept racism, and we need all the fans we can get.”

It was announced today that Vanzeir would receive a six game suspension for his admitted racist outburst categorizing racist language behind PEDs in terms of severity.

“Look you can demean races all you want on the field, that’s a six game suspension,” stated one insider. “But we believe that everyone agrees that drugs are going to get you 10 games just like we did with Roman Torres.”

Sources say that while fans were disappointed with the six game suspension that they needed to look at it from every angle.

“What does it say to the racist soccer fans out there if we give him a larger suspension,” stated one league insider. “What we are saying, if we did that, is that this league doesn’t want racists as fans. Six games hits the sweet spot where we can say we did something but it isn’t enough to attract the attention of Fox News.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alexi Lalas tries to construct a strawman argument built around whether people can grow and change.

Chris Klein Vows To Restore Galaxy To Their Rightful Position As A 9th Place Team As Soon As Suspension For Defrauding MLS Roster Rules Is Up And Million Dollar Fine Is Paid

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy president Chris Klein released a statement to the Los Angeles Galaxy fans promising to restore the team to their rightful position in 9th place as soon as his suspension for defrauding Major League Soccer (MLS) roster rules is lifted and the million dollar fine that was levied against the team was paid.

“Ninth place or BUST,” stated Klein as he tried to get the Galaxy fans back onto his side by promising the glory of a 1 and out away playoff game. “We CAN be the 9th best team in the west again!”

Sources indicate that Klein is desperate to continue his legacy of mishandling the Galaxy as he attempts to continue the standard he set of finding a way to make even the most passionate fans not want to cheer on their own team.

“I know things aren’t good now,” stated Klein. “However, things can be marginally better as the season goes along. All we need is to win 3 out of 10 games and we will likely be right back in the race for 9th.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Klein finally is able to perform his duties again after the MLS suspension is lifted and immediately tries to sign Pavon to another Non-dp-dp-non-dp under the table deal.

"What Has Someone Else Done To Cause This," States Baffled And Distraught Merritt Paulson

Portland, OR - After news of Eryk Williamson’s season ending injury reached the general public, a baffled and distraught Merritt Paulson stated, “What has someone else done to cause this,” as he bemoaned the constantly injured Timbers lineup.

“It’s almost as though we are under some kind of hex or curse,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “Almost as though the actions of one person have doomed this organization to suffer some kind of horrible fate that repeats itself over and over again.”

Sources within the Timbers front office indicate that Paulson launched an investigation into who could’ve caused such a horrible curse to descend upon the team.

“We have been told to investigate not only the front office but also the fans to see if they may have caused this somehow,” stated one anonymous Timbers employee. “We are putting together a panel to determine whether the Timbers Army caused this hex by hoisting the Ouija board T.I.F.O.”

For his part, Paulson remained steadfast in his belief that this was out of his control as he stated, “we are all working on trying to find out who caused this issue.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

MLS To Bill Every Season Ticket Holder $1,000.00 In Order To Pay For Lionel Messi Contract

NEW YORK - Taking advantage of the latest news that Lionel Messi is dissatisfied with his situation at Paris St. Germain (PSG) and wants a new contract and a new team, Major League Soccer (MLS) Commissioner Don Garber put together an innovative proposal to land Messi in MLS - requiring all MLS season ticket holders to pay an additional fee, to be used to pay for Messi's contract. Under Garber's proposal, each season ticket seat will be charged an additional, annual, $1,000.00 league development surcharge with the money from that fee being used to fund an MLS contract for Messi.

Although MLS does not release statistics of the total number of season ticket holders for all 29 MLS franchises, it is believed that there are approximately 300,000 season ticket holders across the league with a league average of 10,000 season tickets per team. Charging each season ticket holder seat an annual $1,000.00 fee would yield a healthy additional $300 million per year.

Published estimates of Messi's current contract with PSG puts the player in the $75 million per year range - if his signing bonus, annual salary, and image/kit sales licensing rights are combined. If the extra fee proposal is approved by the MLS Board, Garber would be able to offer the 35-year-old Messi a multi-year MLS contract in the $300 million per year range, eclipsing the current highest sports contract - Cristiano Ronaldo's Al-Nassr contract estimated at $225 million per year.

Although details of Garber's proposal are still being worked out and would require a likely perfunctory MLS Board approval vote, concerns have been raised about how the fee would be administered. When reached for comment, an MLS insider - speaking on condition of anonymity - told The Nutmeg News that the proposal would asses the fee per seat, not per ticket holder, so a family of four with four season ticket seats would be assessed $4,000.00 per year by the league. Additionally, there will be no scaling of the fee based on the cost of the season ticket itself. Upper deck seats and pitch side seats would pay the same fee. And perhaps most controversially, season ticket holders from teams in conferences that might see Messi's team once every two years would still be charged the fee annually even in years when Messi never plays in their team's stadium. Apparently Commissioner Garber will justify these rules by arguing that signing Messi with any MLS team, "elevates the entire league at a global level, and thus the rising tide of MLS lifts all season ticket holders' boats."

Another aspect of the plan that might surprise MLS ticket holders in the near future is that SeatGeek - the official ticket partner of MLS through which all season tickets are distributed - will be assessing a $200.00 "service fee" on the $1,000.00 per seat league development surcharge. When asked for comment, the same MLS insider responded, "Hey, it's the contract we signed with them; nothing we can do about that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer insider Twitter accounts claim, "you'd have to pay more than $1000 to see Lionel Messi play a game, at this point, between all the flights, hotels and ticket prices in France so this is really a discount."