Portland Timbers Fan Spends CONCACAF Champions League Final Day Trying To Figure Out If He Has A Timbers Ticket Representative This Year

Salem, OR - Portland Timbers fan Gary Andrews stated that he is spending the entire CONCACAF Champions League final day emailing out to various Timbers group email accounts trying to figure out if he has a Timbers Ticket Representative this year who can answer his questions.

“I don’t think I’ve had an actual assigned ticket representative in over 2… maybe 3 years,” stated Andrews. “So look, it’s not like I’m ignoring the game, but the last 5 emails I sent haven’t gotten a response and no one seems willing to talk about my season tickets, much less about how I can get ADU seating for my brother-in-law at an upcoming game. The only communication I get is about possible group sales for luxury boxes.”

Sources indicate that Andrews feels increasingly disconnected from the team over the past three years as even simple requests over gameday items have gone by the wayside.

“I’d just like to know that someone is reading my emails,” stated Andrews. “I understand that I sent some heated emails over the past few years and I know that I moved to Salem; but it’s like I don’t exist to them. I held on to my season tickets for over 10 years. At this point, I’d just like someone to tell me blank platitudes. It honestly feels like a black hole over there, and even if I get someone assigned to me they are either leaving again soon or they don’t respond.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews gets a notification on his phone, picks it up thinking its from his email application and turns on his phone only to find out that it was a notification that the CCL final just kicked off.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 28th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 28th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 28th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2023, 2024 and 2025, as well.

"What Am I Doing With My Life," States Denver Man Watching Montreal vs Atlanta Game

Denver, CO - Sitting on his couch in his apartment, Denver resident Anders Myers stated, “What am I doing with my life,” after he realized that he was watching the Montreal v Atlanta game on ESPN+.

Myers reportedly tuned into the game because it was the only MLS option, at the time, on ESPN as he realized that he had some time before he needed to go run some errands.

“I don’t care about either of these teams and I’m not certain they care about this game either,” stated Myers to his cat. “Why am I talking to you? You hate soccer.”

Sources indicate that Myers nearly fell asleep to the game before he sat up, grabbed his phone and surfed Instagram reels while texting friends to see if anyone wanted to meet up for a beer later.

“Huh, it’s 1-1 now,” stated Myers in his mind before he looked back at his phone and switched from Instagram to Twitter and then from Twitter to Duolingo and then from Duolingo back to Instagram reels.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Myers looks up in just enough time to realize the game is over and he needs to shower before he heads out.