TNN Art Corner: Pastiche Of 2014 Revolution Tifo Attempts To Lends Gravitas To Sounders Tifo

NEW YORK - With the Seattle Sounders tifo team creating a display that resembled the New England Revolution fan's JAWS/REVS tifo from 2014, The Nutmeg News turned to New York City Art Critic Donalda Bristane to illuminate their attempt at a stadium installation in popular poster art.

Man, I just don't get art. Isn't this the two different views of the same thing?

 "The disparate lines give a truth to the melange of paint lending a pop sensibility to the pastiche of twenty-first century Revolution Fan style" said Ms Bristane after viewing the two banners. 

"What we have here are two poster art re-creation paintings that attempt to play on the pop sensation JAWS. They both attempt to convey a message of imminent doom for the opposition. Of course we must recognize that New England were first at using this particular methodology where the designer and painter pastiched the Jaws poster. What Seattle has attempted to do is lend gravitas to the copy of the copy of the original movie poster by taking a concept and then attempting to improve upon it. 

My reservation as an art critic in this medium is that what we see here is a copy of a copy of an original. So we must take a step back and decide whether this is a copy of a copy of a copy or whether this is just a copy of the original. That is, of course, in the eye of the beholder. Sadly for the artist in this case, primacy is everything. A million people have painted sunflowers since Van Gogh, but he brought them into the light with technique at that time. So, thusly, the Sounder tifo must be said as being derivative." 

When asked for her feeling on the impression that the Sounders tifo gave to her, Ms Bristane was blunt, " I haven't been this disappointed since Bjarne Melgaard’s 'The casual pleasure of disappointment' installation. I was left cold and wanting, like a slow rolling wave that creeps ever inward soaking the desolate parts of my soul. I give full marks to the artist for effort, however I do hope to see original works from all stadium installations in the future."

NWSL Players Excited For The End Of The 2015 Season, "Finally, I can make some money!"

Many National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) players have stated that they are happy that the end of the season is arriving so they can finally leave the league and make some real money.

The Nutmeg News spoke with some players on the condition of anonymity and this is what they had to say, "I mean, we all like playing for 7,000 a year and living with host families and relying on the team to provide everything since we don't have enough money to even afford a simple apartment, but I'm happy that the season is over so that I can start working at the grocery store bagging groceries and make a real income for a few months. The truth of the matter is that I have to work my ass off during the off season in order to save up enough money to keep my soccer career going."

Another anonymous player said the following, "I don't have any savings, and in another week I won't have any health insurance or coverage from the team. So I don't really know what to do. I mean, I'm glad that I can get a job at McDonalds that pays me more than what I was making to play 'professional' soccer but I've broke up with my girlfriend since I'll likely be traded in the off season and I don't want to try to sustain a relationship when I have no money, no way to afford an apartment and no chance of staying in the city that in which I'm currently playing. I am just going to move back in with my parents, again.... for the third  time."

Another player stated, "I suppose it is great that the USWNT players are all making over 300k, because at 29 years old I am losing that dream of having the chance of actually getting called up to make that big pay day. At this point, I'm just getting tired of grinding every day for absolutely nothing. We had to play every single game they were gone and they come back and don't want to play because they are tired? I'm just tired of not being able to afford peanut butter. I'm probably just going to try to get a club overseas and if that doesn't happen I'm retiring. I can coach soccer at a high school and make more money than this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues.

Is The Taser Attack On A Fan At An NYCFC Game Proof Soccer Has Made It?

NEW YORK - A video circulating around the Internet over the weekend showing a NYCFC fan being tased by police at Yankee Stadium has been lauded by fans across the world as showing that Americans are finally getting soccer

"Now they realize that getting tased by the police for showing up to a soccer game is an integral part of the match day experience" said Miroslav Gaborik from Moscow, Russia. 

"Brave fellow standing up for his comrades like that and receiving the bulk force of the police. This is why we do not cooperate with the police" said Dmitri Sverdak from Belgrade, Serbia

"This is why we fight the police. This is why we go to the game. For the team and to fight." said Joao Portillo from Sao Paulo, Brazil

The Nutmeg News was on the ground at NYCFC versus Crew to conduct interviews and we were able to find out that the reason the fan was being tased had nothing to do with soccer. The fan was reportedly in the area of the police when he said "Derek Jeter sucks". This breach in protocol required the Police officer to repeatedly stun him with a taser as per the rules set forth for conduct in Yankee Stadium.

The fan in question was required to perform retribution to the fans he offended by his critical comments and was forced to watch the rest of the NYCFC game as punishment for his grave error.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

RBNY Fan 100% Sure That He Hates DC United, He Just Can't Remember Why

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan Brandon Hoegarden is absolutely certain that he hates DC United, but he just can't remember specifically why.

"Look, I know I don't like them. That we are certain. And there's been a lot of irritants of the past seasons, and reasons why any man could dislike, but I honestly can't remember the specific reason why this is the case." said Mr Hoegarden to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I don't like their kits, sure. I don't like where they are from, sure. But none of this added up to hate. Maybe it was my ex-girlfriend or something in the past that converted me from relatively apathetic to DC United to full blown hate, but somewhere in the last 20 season it just blossomed."

Mr Hoegarden's current wife, Sandra, said that as long as she has known him, Brandon has been confused and yet positive in his feelings about this game.

"I asked him once if maybe he was actually a DC United Fan with latent desires related to that club, but he was certain that wasn't the case. No, he said that he authentically dislikes DC United at a very specific level even if he can't remember what level that is."

The Nutmeg News spent 20 minutes trying to jolt Mr Hoegarden's memory regarding the different issues between DC and RBNY but that only served to confused him even further. 

"Look, of COURSE I dislike them because of the 2012 playoff series and that stupid Kenny Cooper penalty kick. Of COURSE I dislike them because Eskandarian exists, but I still can't remember when it morphed into hate. I mean, it is very possible that it might just be the formation of Heineken Rivalry Week that set up this hatred.  However, it could also be because of the 20 seasons of history between the two teams that slowly and efficiently built our rivalry into something that represents a white hot flame of disgust and hatred. Probably the Heineken though."

Man Swears That LAFC Exists

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Jonas Bravo recently announced to his friends that LAFC really exists despite all evidence to the opposite.

No, Mulder. There really isn't a public relations cabal dedicated to finding the authenticity of a club that doesn't exist.

Bravo's friends told him that his obsession with a club that doesn't exist is bordering on paranoid, but Bravo believes. 

"I've told them this is going to happen. The name of the club will be A.C. Los Angeles Football Club United FC and they will see. I've taken pictures, I have witnesses. There's a twitter account, I mean granted it's an old twitter account but YOU CANT FAKE THIS. I still want to believe. We are only months away from a stadium announcement. I'm telling you, this is happening. I mean why would it be fake... WHY? YOU TELL ME WHY?"

Despite his increasing protestations, Bravo has yet to see a schedule, game or stadium that make it look like this organization exists. While his insistence is purely on promotional photographs and videos, he admits that this is tough information to go on.

We spoke with Mr. Bravo's friend Mary Yaznes about his new obsession and she had the following to say. 

"It's a problem for everyone in his group of friends, now. He spends most of his time building dioramas of a stadium that doesn't exist and he keeps on talking about the beginning times and first kick. It's really unhealthy."

TNN asked Mr Bravo when he thought the "beginning times" were coming and he responded.

"GARBER WILL ILLUMINATE. He will tell all. It will likely arrive first in the form of a communique on twitter.  People will be shocked and possibly deny even then! Then there will be voices, and trumpets, and a hastily assembled dais with people who don't speak. IT WILL COME. YOU WILL ALL SEE. LAFC EXISTS! THEY DO!"

The Nutmeg News Announce NUT-CON, A Parody Of A Convention

The Nutmeg News are proud to announce NUT-CON, a parody of a convention. The Nutmeg News feels like this time in American soccer is a time to really cash in on the wallets of the supporters that so willingly give their money away to things like MLS Live which is never usable when you actually want to watch a specific game.

The Nutmeg News have decided that we will set ourselves up at the luxurious and spacious ballroom at the Carter Hotel in downtown Manhattan. We will be offering multiple non-discounted options for accommodation including bed bug ridden, disease ridden, and formerly used  as an opium den with the possibility of a used condom on the floor under the bed. The ballroom will be resplendently decorated with multiple paper hats available for great friends of the Nut (available for purchase). We do expect that our fans of the Nut will understand that the further you travel and the more money that you spend with our organization the greater fan you can call yourself. Those from Manhattan that are visiting are expected to tithe appropriately due to their sin of being local and attending. The correct donation will be at least $100 to avoid the shame of admitting that you didn't travel cross country for this shit show.

Tickets to NUT-CON will be $400 at the door, the proceeds of which will be donated directly to our organization through a shell company set up to make it look like a charitable process and NUT-CON will span three days.

Speakers available for Day 1 will be Clifton Pantheous, a man that we found on the street who once found some blow for a guy that looked like Shep Messing but definitely wasn't him. As well, we will have Roger Gooding, the foremost expert on transitive properties and the ability of "claiming a victory over European dominance by extension of a friendly victory against a weakened side still in the middle of obtaining their fitness during the pre-season tour". As well we promise to have a round panel on derivative NPSL supporters songs and whether one man is enough to be considered a supporters group.

Day two will include such panels as "Internet Trolling and you, the fine art of acting like a complete ass", there will also be "Soccer Puns and Jokes: what you should be aware of in your fan group in order to look in the know". TNN will present "Acronyms and You: how to know when you are being told to fuck off". There will be a three hour seminar on trolling European fans of a team during the transfer window regarding purchases of players that they think they need. As well, we will offer a class on "How to get yourself on television with Rachel Bonetta without looking too drunk while you are doing it."

Day Three will include a textbook example of how to use Emoji's and Animated GIF's to maintain a professional work experience while appealing to adderall injected internet scenesters who will totally follow your twitter account because of a well timed Xzibit gif.  As an added bonus, during day three we will berate you belligerently with statistics from the 1938 Hungarian national team with those getting questions wrong having to decide between 10 lashes of the bullwhip and reading Soccernomics aloud to a collection of snarky internet trolls.

The Nutmeg News will likely have more (or less) on this convention as it doesn't happen.

Area Man Admits: "Laura Harvey Is Pretty Smart, For A Girl"

Enumclaw, WA - Loudmouth, opinionated dick, and Seattle Reign fan Ricky Farnsworth admitted to a close group of friends today that the head coach and general manager of the Seattle Reign, Laura Harvey, "Is pretty smart, for a girl. She might even be smarter than I am at this NWSL stuff." This breaking news sent shockwaves throughout the small group of friends sitting on Ricky's back patio where they consumed large quantities of beer.

"I've been criticizing her for some time because she doesn't make the moves that I would make" said Farnsworth in a follow up Facebook post that was so long that it had one of those notifications to SEE MORE at the end showing his complete commitment to filling up your timeline with pure bullshit.

"But I can honestly say that after winning the regular season shield title for two straight years and building a roster that can compete top to bottom even while losing players to the Women's World Cup has convinced me that this broad can coach." He then paused to open up a cooler and pull out his seventh Rainier Beer of the evening.

He continued by stating that he became a Reign fan because, according to him, there was "Fit Chicks, Short Shorts, Cheap Tickets, and Beer."

While Farnsworth is clearly not a man who thinks about his words, he never-the-less became slowly convinced by the marching to victory of Harvey all the way to the NWSL playoffs and the shield. "I'm telling you, she knows what to do right now. I mean is it perfect? NO. We still haven't won the championship and I don't know that she possesses the ability to actually win the big one. I mean chicks knowing soccer? Now that's a new one for me. At least for the time being I'll lay off the lady knowing full well that somehow she managed to win all the games she needs, destroyed Portland, and put out a lineup that manages to win. This whole winning shit, shit... makes her at least 20% sexier to me."

When asked about his opinion on Seattle Sounders coach Siki Schmid he told us that he's a "Goddamned godsend and the greatest coach this league has ever seen and the only reason he hasn't been more successful is because of the goddamned refs. Harvey could learn a lot by following his example."

OP/ED: It's DARBY, America #RivalryWeekSponsoredByHeineken

Editor's note: Views and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of The Nutmeg News.

WAKE UP, AMERICA

By Graham Rutherford

It's time for your provincial selves to understand the etymology and pronunciation of the words that you use on a daily basis. It isn't Derby, it is pronounced Darby. It isn't soccer, it is pronounced Football.

Every day that goes by I see a thousand horrible usages and butchers spreading around the malfeasance known as American English. This game will not get any bigger until you start using the proper terminology pronounced the right way.

It is important to understand the beginning of the word Derby (editors note: pronounced darby) as it pertains to football. The lads had a kick about after the great war and announced that henceforth and forthwith we would pronounce it Derby as a way to  differentiate between the middle class and the lower class of English society. In this way the lower class could infect the upper class with mispronounced words that would greatly detract from the upper classes ability to enunciate clearly the idea that we are putting forth.

When you Americans pronounce the word DUUUURBY it only adds to the level of upper class elitism that infects the worlds game at a core level. This is making you all right prats. You don't want to be right prats, America. You want to be a lad about town spending your pence and feeling fancy free. You wouldn't piss on a pot of bovril before you handed it out to the lads on a cold night in Stoke, would you? Therefore you wouldn't take away the intricate dance of class warfare that huddles behind the linguistically glorious fires of Glastonbury on a night where we drink our tea and talk of the Queen's address.

This affectation of proper pronunciation will colour your speech in a way that is intricately obvious to the insider outsider of the Isles. We will know that you are a simpleton simply by your incorrect pronunciation. This is about HP Sauce and chips and crisps and having a kick about. Blow me down with your linguistic skills and I wont box your ears.

Therefore (and forthwith) dispense with DUUUUURBY and commence with DARBY! Be a lad, a bloke, a top man and journey with us English into 2000 years of sexual congress with the English language.

Pip, Pip!

Graham Rutherford

Terrible Writer Gets Job Writing About MLS Because He Is English

LONDON - Sports writer and trader of cheap cliches, Graham Rutherford, announced that he has recently been contracted to write about Major League Soccer.

"I'm going into this with the bare minimum of knowledge" said Rutherford to his facebook page on Wednesday. "I plan to start out with features like 'the United States would be better with Promotion and Relegation' and 'why don't American's take the game seriously'. These first few months to a year in the league is what I will call my learning period."

Rutherford said that his extensive knowledge of the Premier League will allow him to cast his own personal opinion on what happens in North America primarily because he has a British Accent.

"Yes, I speak the Queen's English. This allows me to talk about football in a way that is beyond that of a common man from New Jersey. You see, I have the ability to tell you without a trace of irony and pretension that they are playing football at a local derby (editors note: pronounced darby). Because of this ability, I have already been offered the ability to do my own podcast on Fox regarding the MLS and I plan on turning this into my own sideshow of idiocy."

Rutherford said that while he just recently moved from being an Arts critic in Wigan to covering Wigan Athletic for a local blog based out of London, that his extensive general knowledge that comes from simmering in the soup of British soccer helps him understand things that others might overlook.

"After the first year learning period, I plan on covering things like rivalries in MLS such as visiting the Cascadia Derby and the San Jose/LA derby. I'll probably write a 'club I'm going to follow' piece. At the same time I'll be pining for the glory days of watching good players, while simultaneously serenading the pluck of the North American player. Eventually I'll get a gig on television where I mispronounce the names of players before writing sanctimonious pieces on the 'state of the game' in North America using sweeping generalizations. I'm absolutely chuffed for this. Without the United States desperate need for football to be described in a British way, this wouldn't be possible."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

San Francisco Soccer Fan Invests Heavily in West Ham

San Francisco - Bay area resident Alex Rogan has announced his intention to take his support of his English Premier League team, West Ham United FC, to the next level and at the same time restructure his long-term investment strategy. We met with Alex to discuss his intentions.

“I’ve been a huge West Ham fan for a number of years now ever since I saw that IT Crowd episode where Roy pretends to be a huge soccer fan. Hammers forever! Well I’ve decided that I need to step up my support for them as buying scarves and paying ridiculous shipping charges just isn’t going to do it anymore. I need to directly affect their bottom line and help to bring in the best talent possible. The way I see it is that the best way to do this is to support their sponsor, Betway.com.”

Betway.com is an online betting company that provides services to bet on sports and casino games and whose sponsorship deal was the biggest that West Ham has ever had in their history.

“If I want the Hammers to get more money and more talent I’m going to have to support Betway so they’ll stick around as sponsors. Therefore I have decided to go all in and put my money where my heart is. I cashed out my 401k and have been placing bets on all the West Ham games this year.”

West Ham have lost three out of their first four games this season.

“Some will say that I’m down $20,000 in savings, but I don’t really see it that way. I see it as I’m up £12,740 in support for my team. Everyone says that they live or die by their team but how many of them can say that they’ll retire or not retire by their team? That’s support. Hammers forever!”

We contacted the West Ham front office to get their take on this most recent development and the official response was “What a pillock.”

Nutmeg News will continue to report on any future developments.

Freddy Adu Confident That A.C. Milan Isn't Even Close To Balotelli's "Last Chance"

Freddy Adu gave a phone call on Monday morning to Mario Balotelli expressing support after the owner of A.C. Milan said that the potential transfer of Balotelli to Milan would be his "Last Chance".

"Yeah, I just told Mario that it definitely wouldn't be his last chance" said Adu. "I mean there are opportunities everywhere in the world. China, Mongolia, Eastern Timor, Kenya, Sri Lanka, The United States, Brazil, Afghanistan, and Russia are all places where you can play. That doesn't even include Turkey, Canada, Switzerland, I mean there's no amount of small clubs in 2nd and 3rd divisions around the world that will give you a trial and a shot at cracking the starting 11 based on his resume alone."

The one time highly promoted player said that he gave Balotelli some advice on increasing his value even when playing, "You gotta play somewhere off the beaten path and always hint at coming to play in MLS or the NASL and then dismiss it outright. You can get at least one major offer this way and likely a number of different clubs will pay for you in the USL and NASL as well. I mean, if we think about the number of clubs in Qatar alone that would pay for Mario's service, it is staggering. I told him to make sure that you juggle your appearances in leagues that don't broadcast the games of the league you are about to transfer into. For Example: They don't broadcast the Serbian league in the United States and they don't broadcast Major League Soccer in Serbia either. It's a great way of increasing your mystique while ultimately spreading your prodigious abilities across the entire world."

Adu said that when Balotelli runs out of teams that want his service he can always tell everyone that he is considering his options, do a public relations puff piece interview with a faux-journalist about how he has learned from his mistakes and that he is better and more fit than ever now.

Adu stated, "Trust me when I say... there is always a way."

Your Hydration Explained In MLS Kits

You are hydrated. Good. Pee free and strong, my friend.

You are likely not drinking enough water. Didn't your mother tell you to drink more? There is the outside chance that you are at a soccer game and dehydrated from the weather and the $9 beers. If so, drink some water. If the water is also $9 drink out of the tap in the bathroom. Ignore this specific advice if in New Jersey

This is either really good, or really bad. If you see your urine start orange and go clear (like this kit) you may be eating foods that contain caortenoids, such as carrots. Of course if it stays orange you could also have a problem with your liver or bile duct. Did you also check the color of your stools? NOT AT THE URINAL, MAN!

We aren't sure how much diprivan you would have to take to get your urine this blue, but likely if you SEE it this blue you probably took too much. Oh wait, you had jello shots at the tailgate.... didn't you? Yeah, that blue dye, man.... PRETTY RAD!

Congratulations. You likely have a urinary tract infection. I mean, it could also be from food dyes, again, but you didn't have any green jello shots since you stopped visiting that bar that used to sell them because they threatened to start serving tapas and HELL NO you aren't going to accept that in your local bar. Stop the freaking gentrification, people.

You are likely dead. If you aren't dead yet, you likely will be mostly dead soon. Sorry.  The good news is that there's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. Sadly, you are probably not mostly dead. If you are reading this and you ARE dead, please don't hold a grudge.

You better hope you ate a whole shitload of beets recently because the other options aren't entirely pleasant. Although those kidney stones will pass... eventually. Of course you may have also taken a bunch of laxatives, likely because you want to fit into the slimfit versions of these kits. A BIT SNUG.

Your urine COULD be brown because of that antimalarial drug, chloroquine, you took before you headed down to the Amazon on that trip earlier this year to recover the lost scepter of the dead amazon tribe. Slashing through the jungle in waist deep vines you find the golden palace but it is guarded by legions of semi-philanthropic but strictly anti-human anthropomorphic panthers with telepathy. Somewhere deep in the jungle far off in the distance a bird calls and you wonder if this drug will keep you safe from the teeming legions of mosquitoes. 

But it is way more likely that your urine is brown because you decided to put a metric crap-load of fava beans in your four alarm chili during your weekend at Lake Ontario. SPRING BREAK 2015! Or.... you exercised too much recently. Likely the fava beans.

Anonymous MLS Player Admits, "I Had To Poop The Entire Second Half Of The Western Conference Finals"

An anonymous player confirmed to The Nutmeg News that during the recent 2014 MLS Western Conference Finals between the Seattle Sounders and LA Galaxy that, "I had to poop the entire second half of the game."

The anonymous player said, "It happens more often than we like to admit. We are human just like everyone else, and every once in a while we don't realize that we need to go until we get out there. Then it is just 45 minutes of hoping that a slide tackle doesn't result in getting anything moving. It's a constant game, with your bowels, in that case. 

In my particular case I forgot to go and had been drinking my pre-work shakes before the game. It just hit me right as the whistle blew and I knew... I just knew it was going to be a long half. Every long ball, every sprint, every 50/50 challenge was another level of agony as I kept my sphincter under control.

Around the 75th minute we made a change and I was just praying that it was for me so I could go down the tunnel, but the boss kept me on. At this point my colon was a heaving ship, with all men jumping overboard. I just had to put my head down and focus. I will admit that there was a time around the 81st minute when the pressure in my butt was so great that I was creating diamonds and I thought to myself, 'I'll just get sent off. This isn't worth it'. But I stuck with it and was rewarded, in the end. I finished the game out and trotted off the field, no pun intended."

When The Nutmeg News asked if this anonymous player now plans on making a during the half poop a new tradition he responded, "Absolutely. I now go before, during, after, any time I can. It may have been difficult to play with that feeling, but real men poop before they work, not during."

Lesbian Tired Of Explaining Offside Rule To Friends

Seattle, WA - Women's soccer fan Janice Depuy told her friends, "FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF. JUST FREAKING GOOGLE IT," when asked to explain the offside rule in soccer for the 150th time.

"Just because I am an out and proud lesbian, doesn't mean that I am some magical elf showered with lesbian dust that conveys an intimate knowledge of all things soccer. I didn't even like the game that much until recently. I was into Dr Who, Ray Bradbury novels, and knitting until my wife and I really got into the United States women's national team around the World Cup cycle of 2010. But you know what, when soccer started to boom for the women's game in Seattle, I somehow became the fountain head of knowledge regarding women's soccer within my group of friends."

Mrs Depuy said that she spent 30 minutes trying to explain the offside rule at a recent Seattle Reign game to a group of friends that were first time attendees.

"They just didn't get it, and they didn't want to get it. They asked why the linesman kept waving his flag and the play stopped. They just kept asking where Alex Morgan was, where Hope Solo was and when we should leave to line up for autographs. I mean, honestly, I may not be a lifelong fan of the game but I know to stay and watch the whole thing. These people couldn't leave fast enough."

Mrs Depuy said that that this situation extends to even people outside of her friend circle.

"People at work would find that I was talking about my wife and our vacation to Carmel, California and ask what I thought about utilizing a 4-5-1 formation with the possibility of using a withdrawn forward in the next game. I mean, just because I'm a woman married to a woman doesn't automatically convey a wealth of tactical knowledge directly into my head. I think that some people guess that all lesbians attend a school where knowledge of the game is beamed into our head.

...

....

um.... you know that we don't, right?"

The Nutmeg News will have more information on our investigation into this school where lesbians get a complete knowledge of soccer beamed into their heads.

Philadelphia Fan Can't Wait To Be First Year Fan Of 108 Year Old Club

Philadelphia, PA - With the announcement of the Philadelphia Union running a USL team in the Lehigh Valley and the rumor of the team eventually being named Bethlehem Steel FC, Josh Davidson announced that he cannot wait to be a first year fan of the 108 year old club.

"Yeah, I'm totally stoked. 108 years of history, bro. I mean we won more cups than nearly any other team and we haven't even kicked a ball. Everyone is going to know that we come here to dominate when we step on the field in those kits."

While Mr Davidson understands the history behind the Bethlehem Steel FC team that folded in 1930, he is extremely excited to now be a part of it.

"You know, from like... um... those early teams and shit, like there is a long history that extends towards now. I mean it's a defunct history of a team that hasn't been around for 85 years, but now the phoenix has totally been reborn. We are claiming all of that history. I mean sure, even my grandpa never watched Bethlehem Steel play, that doesn't matter. What matters is that we are the holder of five US Open Cup titles and we are nine times league champion. NINE times, we owned all those fools from like, um, Boston or wherever."

Mr Davidson said that his group of friends are planning a tifo display for the first game back as Bethlehem Steel FC.

"Yeah, like I know you aren't supposed to talk about it, but seriously. It's gonna be a big steel logo and a banner that says '108 years of glory' with a picture of Nick Sakeiwicz over the top. Sak is god and he brought and bought the history that was associated with Steel so that we could bask in the glory. 

My club has been around for 108 years, your club isn't worth shit! I can't wait to do 'who are ya' and 'I believe' in the stands! VAMOS BETHELEHEM STEEL FC REBORN!"

Having Done Absolutely Zero In-Depth Research, Reporter Mystified By Protests

Dallas, TX - Reporter and part-time internet blogger David Thornberry boldly stated on twitter that he just didn't understand why fans were protesting in Dallas recently, given that the team was winning. 

"I'll admit, I just don't have a clue what is going on there. I didn't keep abreast of any of the scandals they had, of any of the issues with attendance or really anything else. I just saw a clip that said the fans were frustrated and I think Dallas is doing well? I don't really know. Honestly, I barely have time to watch the games right now as I'm too busy trying to move into my new house."

Thornberry said that he typically thinks of the fans as ill informed malcontents who would do anything to get attention, but he did say that he could see both sides of the issue.

"The fans want, um.... something. I think it's lower prices, or higher prices, or more winning. I don't know, but they want something. So they act like spoiled children and it's up to the Hunt's to sort them out. I mean, honestly, it's only soccer. Despite having based my entire career and living around being mostly dedicated to covering the game, it is my duty to tell you, the fan,  that you are taking everything too seriously and that you shouldn't do the same as me."

Thornberry admitted that he never has had a season ticket to cover FC Dallas or any other MLS team, but he said that this wouldn't impact his viewpoint.

"The fan is merely a customer of the front office. They, the front office, bestow upon us the ability to buy tickets, and then we do. It's a delicate balance that one shouldn't complain about. I mean, if they sell tickets for ... I don't know... like 100 bucks or something, then you pay 100 bucks or you don't go to the game. Fandom is cheap, supporters are even more-so in my opinion. Despite my thousands of followers on twitter and the tens of readers at the newspaper, it isn't in my best interest to be accurate and investigate things. I just like to shoot from the hip, that's what the kids love these days."

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this as it happens in Chicago and Philadelphia.

Alex Morgan Fan Covers Self In Bed Bugs In Solidarity

Albuquerque, NM - Alex Morgan fan Diana Salinas stated, "I want to show Alex Morgan that she isn't alone" before covering herself in bed bugs and laying down in a black mold covered room for 24 hours.

The Nutmeg News asked Ms Salinas why she would do something like this and received the following response. 

"I love Alex. She is the world to me. The. WORLD. I needed to experience what it was like to be in her situation, the bed bugs, the mold, the bad room. I just have to know her and what it is like to be her. She's the best player in the world, the best. One time she favorited a tweet of mine. A TWEET. I put it in my profile. She's amazing.  So I have to cover myself in bed bugs. I just HAVE to. I mean if I put bed bugs on me, she might notice that I'm trying to protest with her as well. I mean, there is no reason to care about anyone else on this story because they aren't Morgan. My friends told me that if I did this that I would be the biggest Alex Morgan superfan. They are all doing it now. It's called the Bed Bug Treatment. It's great. I mean, we all use it now to help us play soccer. Have you ever been covered in Bed Bugs? It makes you great. It's what Morgan uses."

When it was pointed out that Morgan only played 7 games in2015 for the United States and only scored 1 goal, Ms Salinas was verbose.

"Don't you DARE say something against Alex. She didn't score that many goals because she didn't figure out the bed bug treatment early enough, and the coach hates her, and she was injured. "

The Nutmeg News reached out to Alex Morgan for comment and she sent the following statement.

"I love all my fans, all of them. I can't express how blessed I am in life. However, I can't help if some of my fans have attachment problems. If you think it is a problem for you, just imagine having all of them screaming at you all the time. Having said that, please don't cover yourself in bed bugs and mold. Also, all of my obsessive fans know that in order to be my number one fan they need to buy Nationwide auto insurance. Nationwide, its on your side."

Fan Finally Remembers To Check Major League Soccer Fantasy Team

Boston, MA - Revolution fan Danielle Demond finally remembered to check on the status of her Major League Soccer Fantasy team after completely losing interest and checking out after the first month of the season.

"I just remembered that I was actually entered in a league and still technically playing" said Demond. "There was no interaction on my chat board and it looks like 80% of the players in my league are phoning it in. I mean, the only people with updated lineups are the three guys with a chance to win the league. I couldn't even remember my login information anymore. Had to reset the password just to check it out."

While Ms. Demond was struggling to find a reason to check in with her team she said that her problem isn't just a league specific one.

"Fantasy soccer is terribly boring. You set team, you forget about team, a player gets injured, you forget to change the lineup, you don't log in for one week and then suddenly there are 9 games left in the season and you are wondering if you should even look. I'm also signed in for a league sponsored by a popular online blog and out of the hundreds of entries, it looks like 99% of them just don't give a shit anymore. I mean, that's a conservative estimate, but there's a lot of people still starting defenders and midfielders that are injured."

The Nutmeg News asked Ms. Demond if she plans to play next season. 

"Yeah, probably. I mean, I'll get all excited about it with a month to go before the season kicks off, and then I'll remember how bored I got last season, but despite all of my bad feelings from this season... I'll likely sign back up and then forget about it til August again. It's fantasy soccer, I mean... who really cares?"

The Iron Sheik Sets His Sights on Timber Joey

San Jose, CA – After defeating Orlando City’s mascot, Kingston the Lion, ex-WWF superstar The Iron Sheik has issued a challenge to Portland Timbers mascot Timber Joey for the MLS Mascot Championship of the World. We met with The Iron Shiek as he was sitting on the back of San Jose’s mascot ‘Q,’ giving him the Camel Clutch.

“KINGSTON WAS BIG TIME JABRONI! I GO TO ORLANDO AND I CRUSHED HIM. I THREW HIS FACE INTO TURNBUCKLE NOW FLORIDA HAS NEW SCARFACE. THEN I COME DOWN HERE TO SAN JOSE AND I SLAM Q AND CAUSE REAL EARTHQUAKE. THESE TWO ARE JABRONIS AND JOEY IS NEXT!”

The Shiek then body slammed Q and pinned him for a 3 count to win the fight. We then asked him what his motivation was in challenging all of the MLS mascots. “HOW CAN YOU ASK THAT?! IT IS CLEAR! I AM THE LEGEND! THESE MASCOTS ARE NOT THE LEGENDS! PEOPLE TREAT THEM LIKE LEGENDS BUT THEY WILL RESPECT ME! I WILL CRUSH THEM ALL AND BREAK THEM!”

We asked The Sheik why he had such animosity towards Timber Joey and if this was some kind of personal vendetta. “JOEY THINK HE IS BIG MAN CUTTING WOOD WHEN GOALS ARE SCORED! THIS DOES NOT MAKE HIM TOUGH! HE DOESN’T KNOW TOUGH! CHOPPING DOWN TREES IS NOTHING! I WILL TAKE TIMBERS LOG AND RAM IT UP HIS ASS!”

We contacted Timber Joey to get his response and to see if he would prefer to have a traditional or cage match. “I have no idea what The Iron Sheik has to do with soccer. Seriously. Why is he trying to challenge me to a fight? I don’t even wrestle. Why are we talking about this? Are you even a legitimate news organization?”

We met with The Sheik to present him with Timber Joey’s response when he grabbed the microphone from us and began to scream into it. “JOEY YOU ARE NOTHING! YOU CHOP LOGS! YOU POSE FOR SELFIE PHOTOS! I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT TOUGH IS! I WILL SUPLEX YOU AND BREAK YOU OVER GOALPOSTS! YOU WANT THREE POINTS SO I MAKE THREE POINTS OF PAIN IN YOUR SPINE AS I PUT YOU IN CAMEL CLUTCH! I WILL BREAK YOUR LEG! I WILL MAKE YOU RESPECT THE LEGEND!”

We contacted the WWF to get their take on this challenge and were informed that this had nothing to do with wildlife conservation so they had no comment at this time.

The Nutmeg News will keep you posted on any updates.

US Soccer To Expand Pay For Play, "We Gotta Get More Money From These Five Year Olds"

CHICAGO - US Soccer officials announced that they were expanding their Pay For Play initiatives around North America in order to make up a budget shortfall that came from raising expectations.

"We expected that we would be getting buried in cash by now from winning the Gold Cup, but since that whole thing fell apart we decided that we needed a bit more cash." said CEO Dan Flynn. "It's important for us to have more money, because less money wouldn't be good. Without more money we wouldn't have enough money to hire the lawyers to ensure that our development squads don't get paid the money they are due from professional squads overseas as FIFA stipulates."

The expansion of Pay For Play into areas under served by overcharging facilities and sky rocking club costs will not only help the US Soccer Federation but really drive home the realization that this is the only way the system operates to future generations. Sunil Gulati, president of US Soccer had more on this ideal. 

"Well, first thing that the US Soccer Federation must do is that we gotta get more money from these five year old kids. Their parents have money and if they don't they shouldn't be playing soccer. Despite the ability to play this game literally anywhere with nearly any object, we must make sure that our children and their future children understand that Pay For Play is he only way the system works. We don't want to start subsidizing soccer in the US. What are we, communists? These children gotta pull themselves up by their bootstraps and ensure that their parents go into severe financial distress on the outside chance that they can get an NCAA D1 scholarship to play soccer for North Carolina before they tear their ACL and end up serving coffee at Starbucks."

While Pay For Play has long been criticized as ignoring children of talent but without means, Gulati stressed that this shouldn't change.

"You want poor kids playing soccer? No sir. Rich kids or get the hell out of this country."