Welcome To Wrexham Team Greenlights Additional Episode Explaining Why The Tories Suck

Wrexham, Wales - The production team behind the television series documenting the takeover of AFC Wrexham by American television star Rob McElhenney and his friend Ryan, indicated that they would greenlight an additional episode of the second series to explain exactly who the Tories are and why they suck.

“Our viewers may not know about austerity,” stated McElhenney to The Nutmeg News as he closed 30 Wikipedia tabs in the background. “They may not know about Thatcher cutting public services or eliminating the free school milk program. They may not know about the collapse of industrial Liverpool or the antithetical nature of Tory politics to Scouse Solidarity. It’s going to be part of Welcome To Wrexham that we explain these things to our North American audience as we did with the football hooligans and bromances.”

Sources indicate that McElhenney was floating the idea of explaining Labour Party politics, Rees-Moog memes and the class political voting nature of Britain before binning it for an episode that focuses specifically on the Tory politicians just being a box of assholes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Welcome To Wrexham: Fuck The Tories will debut in October of 2023.

Merritt Paulson Appoints Calvin Wilkerton As General Manager Of Thorns And Timbers

PORTLAND - Stating, “We must rebuild the trust in our organization,” Portland Thorns and Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson stated that he was appointing former New Zealand international Calvin Wilkerton as General Manager of both teams.

Wilkerton’s club statistics were not immediately available.

“We are excited to start a new, more transparent future together,” stated Paulson about Wilkerton. “Calvin comes from a long background of playing , managing and general managing club teams. He has expertise with both men and women’s programs and we expect him to fit in perfectly around here.”

The Nutmeg News pool reporter questioned whether Calvin Wilkerton is just Gavin Wilkinson wearing a fake mustache and Paulson stated, “Certain dissident fans would have you believe these salacious rumors but I can guarantee you nothing is further from the truth. We’ve signed Calvin to a 3 year contract to prove that he is not Gavin Wilkinson.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson announces a new business executive hire of Michael Grolub.

Merritt Paulson Delays Response As He Looks At High Resolution Security Footage Of Last Timbers Game To Isolate Fans Responsible For Scandal

Portland, OR - Merritt Paulson, the owner of the Portland Thorns and Timbers, delayed his response to the Sally Yates report as he spent the last 24 hours looking at high resolution security footage of the last Portland Timbers game in order to identify the specific fans responsible for the scandal that beset both of the teams he controls.

“This guy here once called me a spineless daddy’s boy on Twitter,” stated Paulson as he zoomed in on a figure holding up a two-stick. “I have a belief that he is directly responsible for the way that Cindy Parlow Cone was hyper sensitive to a casual comment by Mike Golub.”

Paulson reportedly had the security footage made available to himself as he asked for the secret folders he keeps on fans to cross reference to video shots in order to identify those who have been actively plotting to bring down his team.

“That guy right there once said that he didn’t think Gavin Wilkinson was a good evaluator of talent on an Instagram comment from 2012,” stated Paulson. “He has clearly been planning this from the beginning. And this woman here has been commenting on every Facebook post that I am responsible. This whole scandal is Fake News stirred up by dissident fans who just hate a successful man. The whole operation. The fans are the ones responsible and I will make certain that I identify every single one that participated in this charade.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers and Thorns put out a press release stating that they are actually right and everyone else is wrong.

NWSL Owner Used To Looking The Other Way Disappointed To See TV Coverage Of NWSL Scandal In Peripheral Vision

CHICAGO - Arnim Whisler, majority owner of the Chicago Red Stars, claimed that he was disappointed to see television coverage of the NWSL scandal which directly involved himself and the Chicago Red Stars after spending years looking the other way.

“I’ve been dutifully ignoring my responsibilities in all this,” stated Whisler to The Nutmeg News. “And imagine trying to completely avoid any culpability in hiring a monster to coach your team only to see that point brought up on the evening news. It’s positively exhausting.”

Sources indicate that Whisler sighed to himself and tried to look the other away again like he did with the allegations against Rory Dames only to see a condemnation of his organization on the website of USA Today.

“What good is wealth and influence if it doesn’t insulate me against these accusations,” stated Whisler. “I go to this website to avoid anything that might name me in the slightest and I didn’t look the other way to see something about me on every paper.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Whisler continues to claim that he is the victim in all this.