CHICAGO - Chicago Fire fan Bradley Owens stated that he was, “eagerly awaiting the end of the 2025 season,” as he went another week somehow still a fan of the team.

“I’m already making room for the wooden spoon,” stated Owens to The Nutmeg News. “Although it’s going to be a dogfight with Montreal.”

Sources say that Owens was tried to keep up a brave front, but with just about a month until pre-season made the fan slip back into his typical depressive and pessimistic attitude.

“Well, I mean….. It’s just the Fire,” stated Owens to his therapist as he touched the Lexapro in his jeans pocket. “Anyway, I’m doing fine. Yes. Just fine. I just can’t wait for it to be over.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Owens convinces himself everything will be fine. Totally. Completely. Are there any rumors of a new Chicago MLS team?

Sources say that nearly every team in Major League Soccer is planning on burning all the good will they ever generated with their fans over the years as they stated, “now is the time to fleece these rubes before the fans realize Messi won’t be able to travel to their home game because of injury, distance or turf.”

Internal channels indicated that nearly all teams were eagerly awaiting “Messi Price Gouging Season” with the 2025 Schedule set to drop soon.

“We are planning on announcing our single game loyal supporters package of $500 for a ticket and you get a Messi poster,” stated one team employee.

“We are planning on making the experience one of a kind,” stated one anonymous MLS spokesperson. “We will have a Messi supporters group within our supporters group for conflicted fans who just want to cheer for everyone when he comes to town.”

“The jelly is on the lamb, and we are on a roll,” stated one MLS Huckster. “It’s time to absolutely gouge the living shit out of these fans for a normal ticket that may actually not get them anything at all but the chance to stare a Messi as he sits on the sideline.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.