Foxborough, MA - The New England Revolution front office has asked all fans to check their babies at the door for the 2016 season after issuing a new list of prohibited items for the upcoming season.
Off to the game! Take him, please.
"We don't allow backpacks, messenger bags, or diaper bags so it should stand to reason that we won't allow our fans to bring in babies," stated the secretary to the secretary of the owner of the Revolution, Robert Kraft. "The Revolution security has suspicions that fans are smuggling in copious amounts of whisky in their diaper bags and babies, and we are taking proactive measures to cut down on this."
With the Revolution front office denying entry for parents with their diaper bags, cinch bags, backpacks and babies, they have installed a disposal center for babies at the entry gates where newborns can be given to less privileged non-soccer going families who just can't find a baby of their own.
"Don't you be bringing in those fanny packs, they are the DEVILS pack."
"This opportunity allows our fans to give back to the community by donating white babies to couples in need. Our partnership with the organization Baby For Maybe allows couples on the fence about baby ownership to test out a healthy white baby that was left at the gate of a Revolution game near you," stated president Brian Bilello.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we release our study into how to prepare for a Revolution game by packing everything you need for your family in a clear plastic bag.