CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation announced, on Monday, a broad new measure to improve the credibility and skill of its youth players after watching the disappointing performances of Jordan Morris in 2016.
"We need more Luis Suarez and less Jordan Morris." - Walter Fredrick - USSF
The Nutmeg News spoke with public relations officer Walter Fredrick about the new program and he had the following to say.
"The US Soccer Federation watched the development of Jordan Morris and other United States Youth. We realized that we are not offering the right options for them to succeed in the international game. Thus, we are announcing that we changed our options at Bradenton to a street course instead of the formerly pristine training environment.
First we brought in a state-of-the-art dirt lot to toughen up our new crop of youth players, straight from the backyards of some of our donors in the Hamptons. We also offer an alternate street course with realistic street environment including driving cars, a goal made out of empty detergent bottles, broken glass littering the street, improperly disposed hypodermic needles, condoms, and ripped pages of pornography.
We have to get these youth players adjusted to the real world. At least one of them will be kidnapped at gunpoint and forced to work in a drug facility packaging methamphetamine as a warning to our other youth team players of what can happen. While others will be separated based on weakness and put into street gangs."
Reportedly, the US Soccer Federation has set up an elaborate sound system that encircles the new training facility allowing them to pipe in gunfire, Samba music, ambient ambulance and police sirens, Ranchera music, Rap music, older players talking shit, Cumbia music, and the wails of the players mothers screaming for their children to make something of their life.
"We already have had some failures," stated Mr Fredrick. "On a trial run, Johnny McEntire looked for the orange slices and the Capri Sun flavored Advocare only to find a used condom. He fell to his knees and cried. Bradley Knox was left cramping as he refused to drink the non-potable water. Zaden Heatherton left training at the lack of our gluten-free, organic, non-gmo options. Let's be honest, if these kids haven't suffered malnutrition and dysentery at least 4 times in a single month they are being shipped back to Beverly Hills. It's all well and good to send our kids to University, but beyond the meaning of Plato's Republic, they're not learning a thing about the important things in life...like how to perform a Cruyff turn on broken glass while a pimp is beating a john in the alleyway for not paying for services rendered."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the lawsuits begin.