Rival fans across Major League Soccer have announced that they are united after bonding over their combined hatred of Heineken beer and branded sports weeks.
RIVALRY WEEK! BROUGHT TO YOU BY SHIT BEER AND SHIT BUTTON PUSHERS *see correction*
"The only thing that could bring us together is our justified anger at the idiotically stupid Heineken Rivalry Week," stated a joint press release by the Emerald City Supporters, the associated groups of the Vancouver Whitecaps (including the Southsiders and Curva Collective) and the Timbers Army. "Heineken is a shit beer and having a branded rivalry week is one of the dumbest things that could happen other than the meeting that had to happen with Heineken and Major League Soccer where they discussed brand activation and the association of a product with a fan-base that lead to this idiotic decision."
Reportedly, even fans as effervescently couched in their hatred as DC United and Red Bull New York have bonded together to state, "This idea is dumb, Heinken is a shit skunky beer, and having a branded rivalry week is idiotic."
The Nutmeg News also reached out to San Jose Earthquakes and LA Galaxy fans who wouldn't comment together because they were afraid of the implications that cooperation would state for their rivalry to fan groups that are watching internationally but both stated, "This whole idea is just dumb."
Reportedly, the idea for a Heinken Rivalry Week came about after the international beer conglomerate realized that it wasn't selling enough beer in North America and Major League Soccer realized they hadn't made enough money from advertising.
"This sounded like a great way to activate our current fanbases and really introduce them to a brand so that they will associate it with soccer," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "It's really the way forward for our advertising as this methodology allows us to connect a brand to an idea so that people will always associate one with the other on a subconscious level. This also allows us to then sell that brand at an inflated price in our stadiums so that we reap the benefits from it and the benefits from the advertising while we parcel out sponsorship of everything from toilet bowl cleaner to window washing fluid."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer announces Menstrual week with sponsor Tampax who will create a line of clear tampons to allow fans to bring them in through security check points.