NEW YORK - Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, the new press secretary for Major League Soccer, has roundly decried the criticisms of many, "so-called internet experts" that the television ratings for the league have stagnated.

"The ratings are fantastic, they are wonderful, please tune in to catch MLS in Miami, soon!"

"The numbers are lies!" stated Mr. al-Sahhaf on Tuesday. "We know this because they come from the media, and the media lies. Our television numbers are strong, we tell this to our national sponsors on a monthly basis. All they should know are the internal numbers that we don't release out that state that our numbers show growth."

Mr. Al-Sahhaf also took bloggers and fans to task stating, "These fans and these bloggers don't know the numbers. We know the numbers. The numbers are good. When I say that the numbers are very good, they should know that the numbers are very good. And I say that our numbers are very good. We will make them better because despite them being good, they can be better, but there is no better number than that number that we have right now save for the number that we can make better in the future, which will be better and bigger but not better than our current number which is absolutely great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer continues to deflect an honest conversation about television ratings.