#1 Your Team

Your team is going to be great this year! Trust us. Ignore everyone else. Use this to batter them into submission. After all, your offense? Fine. Defense? Going to be OK. That player who was bad last season? He'll be great. That player your team acquired? Going to work out! <-- look, ITALICS!

#2 That team you kinda like that is in a different conference

You got a scarf from them when you visited, their city is nice, their fans don't hate you and you like their beer.

#3 That team you kinda like that is in your conference

You got a scarf from them in pre-season, their city is nice, their fans don't hate you and you tolerate their beer.

#4 A team with United in the name

Shrug emoticon. Social media on point. Ok fans, gotta put this team somewhere.

#5 The team we scouted on youtube

EURODISCOMUSIC!

#6 The team that gives up on the regular season

USOC Winner. Doesn't make the playoffs.

#7 The team that will overcompensate with a DP buy that backfires

Otherwise known as the Nery Castillo Memorial Award.

#8 The team relying on a paper thin roster

Early surge, late failure

#9 Are they still playing that one guy who sucks? How do we spin THAT

"Whoa, I didn't know he was still in the league," you say as you watch the game from your couch.

#10 Um..................................................... Orlando.

Sure, why not.

#11 The part where we got tired, flipped a coin and put the team here

THIS TEAM IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

#12 The part where we got drunk and played that bat spinning game until someone puked and we said it was good enough so this team should work at 12

Supporters Shield Winners. Knocked out in first round of playoffs.

#13 The part where we got tired and picked names out of a hat

Is going to fire their head coach in 5 months

#14 The part where we got tired and threw darts at team names

Should fire their head coach but holds on in hope that something changes while fans just stop giving a crap.

#15 The team WE know nothing about

Eastern Conference Winners

#16 The team we almost forgot to include

Western Conference Winners

#17 The OTHER team we know nothing about

Will likely win MLS Cup

#18 Chivas USA

VAMOS CHELIS!

#19 The team you know nothing about

No wins on the road

#20 The team that everyone thinks is universally awful

Late Surge for pride, early and overwhelmingly consistent failure

#21 That team you don't particularly like

Their fans are assholes, amiright?

#22 That team you hate

THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AWFUL YEAR, THEIR FANS SUCK AND THEIR TEAM IS GOING TO IMPLODE AGAINST YOUR TEAM. ARE YOU MOLLIFIED?

ANDREW HAUPTMAN MEMORIAL WOODEN SPOON WINNERS

#23 Miami Fusion

Big ups to Ray Hudson

#24 Tampa Bay Mutiny

Big Ups to Valderrama.

#25 Miami Vice Beckham FC

See how awful that name is? SEE? ARE YOU LOOKING?