WASHINGTON - Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced his resignation today in order to allow the former Trump spokesman to focus on his fitness for the upcoming Minnesota United game.
"I'm very lithe. Sinewy, even."
"They need warm bodies and we know, categorically, that I am a warm body," stated Spicer to The Nutmeg News. "Minnesota United reached out to me and said that they barely have enough people to field a full team, so I made them aware that I was ready to work."
According to Spicer, he was an all-american soccer player with a NCAA Division 1 scholarship before getting drafted to the Seattle Sounders in MLS. Spicer then told our reporters that he then deferred from MLS to play in the USL for a year or two, before making it big on Sigi Schmid's 2009 side scoring the winning goal against Chivas Guadalajara to promote the Sounders up the The CONCACAF champions league champions, champions.
"It's been some time since I stopped playing soccer to focus on serving my country, but now I'm going to return back to the game that I love, I think. I won't take anymore questions on this."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Minnesota United demands that their game not be filmed by journalists.