Miami, FL - Letting the rhythm get him, international superstar and teacher-shagger David Beckham reportedly launched an audacious process to purchase and move the Seattle Major League Soccer franchise to Miami where he will call them Miami Sounder Machine.
STOCK MIAMI PHOTO - PLZ NOTICE PALM TREE
"It finally all made sense," stated a white linen clad Beckham as he took a deep breath from behind his desk covered in deep stacks of soccer paraphernalia. "We tried everything from Miami FC to Miami City FC to City FC, to FC FC to Atletico Miami to Miami United before we realized we needed a LOCAL connection. And what's more local than the ever young Gloria Estefan. This way we honor our past in Seattle, our future in Miami and our ever-present branding that is changed just enough so we don't have to pay a royalty."
Beckham reportedly trademarked, "Miami Sounder Machine," this week as he prepared for the 2020 season somewhere within 200 miles of South Beach.
"Our supporters group is called the Steel Drum Ultras. It's amazing, they just play steel drums the entire time," stated Beckham to our reporter. "They will stand next to the Cuban Ultras who will have their own smoking section. It's going to be amazing. Legalize Cigar Pyro!"
We spoke to head capo of the Steel Drum Ultras, Thurman Purdo, who stated, "we already have a song worked out for our team. I've printed out the lyrics but they are as follows,
'Come on, shake your body baby,
Do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ,'
We just repeat this 100 times over the next 15 minutes.
Yeah, It's gonna be epic. We already have 10 steel drums lined up."
Furious Seattle fans were reportedly blindsided by the news as they immediately re-used their Clay Bennett material for Adrian Hanauer and David Beckham.
"This is absolute horse shit," stated Emerald City Supporter member Terry Wirral. "Now I know what Columbus is going through. This is 100% Joe Roth and Brian Schmetzer's fault somehow. FIRE SCHMETZERS. But seriously, Roth has to go, maybe. Or whoever it is. Screw them."
The Nutmeg News reached out to Mr. Roth but he was reportedly spending the day asking whether he can make cocaine jokes now that the team is based in Miami.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a ebullient Roth screams "I AM GOLDEN GOD!" before he smashes a car through the foyer of Drew Carrey's house to tell him about the move.