CHICAGO - Concerned with the lack of ticket sales for the upcoming game against Canada in the vaunted CONCACAF Nations League, the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced that they would be raising prices to spur people to buy more.

“I’d buy a beer in the stadium but It’s either that or being able to pay for my cell phone bill.”

“We received the message loud and clear,” stated Dan Lewis, spokesman for the USSF. “As of Saturday morning we will be raising the prices of all tickets by 20% and increasing the price of the supporters section by 50%. This increased price sale will hopefully drive a full and passionate stadium to help us progress in the CONCACAF Nations League…. or Cup….. or wait… no… it’s definitely League, I think. Right? Can someone check and see if this is the Nations Cup or the Nations League? Because League makes no sense whatsoever….. It’s League? LEAGUE? Well, hell.”

According to insiders with the federation, the poor ticket numbers was blamed on the lack of ticket value from a perception standpoint as federation executives advocated for a more restricted clubhouse feel to the stands.

“No one here thinks that the USMNT is cool anymore,” stated one league executive. “In order to be cool you have to be exclusive, and in order to be exclusive you should be expensive. Cheap tickets lead to cheap fans and we would rather have 10,000 expensive fans than 15,000 cheap ones. The United States has long had the ambition of winning the CONCACAF Nations League since we came up with it approximately 6 months ago. We want to win this in front of our passionate fanbase who can afford the ticket prices that we set for this competition we invented that will be abandoned as soon as we can come up with a money making opportunity with CONCACAF and CONMEBOL.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USSF federation blames the lack of home field advantage on the fans.