Portland, OR - Portland Timbers, a partially owned subsidiary of Hank Paulson, announced their plan to solve the self inflicted Iron Front debacle by intentionally angering their own fans.
Merritt Paulson, seen here in thought, attempts to crack down on the fans of the team that the league indicates that he has control over.
“There’s no better way to reach an amicable resolution than intentionally angering the fans that pay to see our games,” stated Mike Golub, Portland Timbers President of Business. “The league told us to crack down and we are happy to play our part. Our fans can go fuck themselves with their provocative stances like being against racism and fascism. No one flies flags in our stadium without us telling them how and when.”
According to reports that were leaked to reporters by the front office of the Timbers, several fans are now banned for multiple games with a requirement to take an online class that costs $250 and write a letter of apology for flying the Iron Front flag.
“We really wanted to drive home that our fans are replaceable and worthless,” stated Golub to The Nutmeg News. “It’s important for them to understand that their opinions are meaningless and their support is meaningless. I don’t see their names on the advertising boards and that’s what we care about, not the fans of our team. I think we’ve become big enough that we can outgrow the Timbers Army.”
According to insider sources, Merritt Paulson personally oversaw the underpaid employees he used to ban fans from the stadium as he dictated the banning letter from the deck of his yacht anchored out in the Columbia.
“It is important for the fan to understand they are garbage,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “None of them have my money. None of them have my father’s money. They are all replaceable. I defy anyone to defy me. This isn’t about the iron front anymore, it’s about my team and these hopeless losers that decided to try to go against me. But I’ll show them…. I’ll show them all!”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Merritt Paulson hatches a plan to try to turn all the Timbers fans against each other so they spend all their time fighting each other rather than actually fighting all the things he does.