NEW YORK - Major League Soccer and Heineken announced an addition to their branded rivalry week as the league issued a statement stating that Minnesota United supporters would face off against Minnesota United supporters in a battle for the soul of the team.
THAT GUY ON THE LEFT IS A JERK!
“No one hates on Minnesota United fans like Minnesota United fans,” stated MLS director of rivalries and light beer enthusiast Jacob Szynalski. “When it comes to an absolute battle for their seeming dislike of each other they know every sordid detail and every hated fact more than anyone else in the area. We expect an intense battle between the two groups who are supposedly fans of the same team.”
With enmity reaching a fever pitch over the tenure of Adrian Heath, what songs you should sing, where you stand, what shirt you wear, whether you should support via optimism, cynicism or realism, and whether you were around before MLS, the supporters girded their loins for battle.
“ANYONE WHO IS NOT POSITIVE ABOUT MINNESOTA UNITED AT ALL TIMES IS NOT A TRUE FAN,” stated Minnesota United fan Harry Elmsworth.
“ANYONE WHO IS POSITIVE ABOUT MINNESOTA UNITED AT ALL TIMES IS NOT A TRUE FAN,” stated Minnesota United fan Paula Evans.
“WHAT ABOUT THE CENTRISTS WHO THINK THAT MINNESOTA UNITED IS NEITHER POSITIVE NOR NEGATIVE,” stated avowed Libertarian Reginald DuBois.
With no clear definition of exactly what makes a true Minnesota United fan, perpetual online gang fights erupted with bombastic passive-aggressive sub-tweeting being utilized against outright aggressive sub-tweeting and snipers sitting on the outside using frank but vague statements in Facebook posts.
“I plan on indicating why I am upset without talking to anyone in person about why I am upset and I’ll be damned if I don’t read into every single post some kind of malicious intent about my standing as a fan,” stated Minnesota United fan Hank Stone.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as no fans remain fans of the team after the pitch battle finishes.