Burlington, VT - Vipassana meditation retreat Flowering Lotus today announced that all spots in the January one month retreat from society program have been completely booked by soccer brand social media managers.

“We welcome those who wish to see things as they really are,” stated practitioner James Howard. “We know that many are strung out by the ever present dangers of Social Media and it appears that the only way they can return to some kind of normal is a retreat into themselves to discover Vipassanā. We require our practitioners during this retreat to completely cut themselves off from contact to the outside world. They will remain free from calls, emails, social media, or necessity. They will focus only the practice. We sold out immediately when they found this out.”

Sources indicate that the entire January retreat is booked by social media managers from MLS, NWSL, and USL teams as they attempted to find some way to spend a month where they aren’t slowly dying inside from logging on every single day.

“I need some time where I don’t see the drunken angry ranting of people after we lose a game,” stated one anonymous manager. “Vipassana promises self-transformation through self-observation. I’m a bit terrified of what I’m going to see.”

“I’ve been medicating by silencing my notifications in the evening and crying as I drink some wine or whisky,” stated another manager. “But I should say that the days where it’s fun are really fun. It’s just unfortunate that there’s 364 days in the year instead of that one day.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the February retreat is filled with Sports Writers.