CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) is convening a group debate to add, “always cheated, never defeated,” to their youth team curriculum as they attempt to stay abreast of national political maneuvering and trends.
“HE STEPPED OFF THE LINE,”
Yes, excellent, exactly, it’s the GOALKEEPERS fault your shot was saved.
“There’s been a huge influx of Always Cheated, Never Defeated advocates in our federation,” stated one insider with the USSF. “And they believe that it is the God given right of Americans to win every trophy possible in every sport possible. They also believe that the inability of Americans to win any trophy is due to a global conspiracy or some massive cheating effort rather than actually losing.”
According to documents released by hackers that were stolen from the USSF database, the Federation acknowledges that a more GOP approach towards tactics would allow it to claim that it hasn’t lost a single game in over 100 years.
“While it may seem petty, there are many within the USSF that believe such a historic winning streak as being undefeated for 100 years would attract more attention nationally,” stated our insider. “While it may seem absurd to believe, it’s no more absurd than believing in a molestation ring under a pizza store, or an invisible multifaceted internet legend dispensing half truths via coded memes.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Always Cheated, Never Defeated advocates claim that there is a conspiracy to prevent an accurate vote on the matter.