From deep underneath his weighted blanket and soothing white noise machine, soccer fan Harper Williams stated, “this is the healthiest relationship with soccer I’ve had in years,” as Williams admitted he was relived to find his anxiety and paralyzing depression were not just linked to the wins and losses of a sports team.
“Typically I think that I need to make certain I’m keeping track of my overall mood and ability to slip into a depression based upon the things that happen over the course of a season,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “However, this time it’s apparent that whether we win or whether we lose… whether we have a great centerback or a winger that can’t complete a pass, that we are all going to suffer the horrifying paralytic crushing depression of watching your friends and family exhibit their near fatal obsession with flouting medical, political and scientific mandates because they want to shop at a Wal-Mart and drink at a bar despite the deaths of over 300,000 of their fellow denizens.”
Williams indicated that this wasn’t something he realized immediately at the start of the year, but was the biproduct losing faith in literally every facet of his family and societal structure as he became aware of what people were doing around him due to the excessively long time that he was alone this year.
“I watched my friends deny that there was a pandemic, become sick and then spread it around. I watched others become Trump supporters and start talking about Q-spiracies. To paraphrase the poet, I’ve seen the best minds of my generation show themselves to be petty, horrifyingly short sighted human beings who don’t really give a shit about anything other than their own wallet and experiences. It makes that 1-1 draw with those red cards that weren’t given pretty meaningless. I’ve really been able to enjoy games this year because I can’t hit bottom after a loss.”
In an attempt at severely over-exaggerated cheerfulness, Williams stated that he wasn’t bad all the time, but that it would creep up upon him as an anxious itching begging to ruin his day with thoughts about how awful everything was.
“I said it before, but this really is the healthiest relationship with soccer I’ve had in years.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams has a paralyzing nightmare about being in a city square with people walking about him and no way to protect himself.