Columbus, OH - In Central Ohio folklore, Precourt is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as “half-goat, half-demon”, who, during the Crewsmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved. This contrasts with Saint Hejduk who rewards the well-behaved with totally rad stoke. Precourt is one of the companions of Commissioner Garber in several regions including Austin, New York, Chicago and Northern Michigan. The origin of the figure is unclear; some folklorists and anthropologists have postulated it as having pre-Crewsmas origins.

Precourt and Saint Hejduk visit a Columbus home in 1896 with Teddy Roosevelt smoking a hookah in the background.

In the aftermath of the Crew acquisition in Columbus, the Precourt tradition was prohibited by the Garber regime under the Ohio Front and the Crewsmas Social Party. In the 2017s, Crew fans distributed pamphlets titled “Precourt Is An Evil Man”. Towards the end of the decade, a popular resurgence of Precourt celebrations occurred and continues today.

Precourt carries chains, thought to symbolize the binding of Garber by the unread contract stipulations. He thrashes the chains for dramatic effect. Of more pagan origins are the Business Metrics, bundles of statistical paperwork that Precourt carries and with which he occasionally swats children and adults. The “business metrics” are replaced with a failing market whip in some representations. Sometimes Precourt appears with a sack or a basket strapped to his back; this is to cart off teams for drowning or transport to Austin. Some of the older versions make mention of naughty children being put in the bag and taken away.

Crewsmas is celebrated in parts of Ohio on the first opening game of the season. On the preceding evening, Precourt Night or Precourtnacht, the wicked devil appears on the streets. Sometimes accompanying St. Hejduk and sometimes on his own, Precourt visits homes and business attempting to secretly move them to another state.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Little Timmy Atkinson is told to finish his homework or Precourt will take him to Austin to force him to work on a tech startup that will winnovate the current inefficient methodology of diversified communications.