FOXBOROUGH, MASSACHUSETTS – Mired in a then-winless season, New England Revolution’s coach Caleb Porter made a bold prediction prior to last weekend’s match against Charlotte FC – promising not only that the Revolution would get a result, but would outright beat Charlotte. This guarantee was made despite the team’s then 0-4-1 record, league-worst -7 goal differential, and immediately following a 4-0 drubbing at home by Liga MX side Club América in the CONCACAF Champion’s Cup. Porter’s guarantee ultimately held up, as the Revolution were able to hold on to a 1-0 victory gained by a Carles Gil goal scored during an unusually-long first half injury time.
THE LISAN al GAIB!
During press availability at the Revolution’s training facilities outside of Woonsocket, Rhode Island, Porter announced that he had been “gifted with second sight” and that “the entire path of the Revolution’s future journey was revealed to me in a vision,” after the Charlotte win. He continued by stating he saw “as clear as I saw the moon passing before the sun today, that the Revolution will have world-historic results from this point out.” Porter then stated that he had gained “metaphysical certainty” that the Revolution would win MLS’s 2024 Supporter’s Shield – given to the team with the best overall record – 2024 MLS Cup, 2024 League’s Cup – the in-season tournament between MLS & Liga MX teams – as well as the 2025 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup – the continental competition of North American club soccer – and even the 2026 Club World Cup – the world-wide club competition to which the 2025 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup winner is invited.
Asked by a member of the press pool covering the Revolution whether it was realistic for a team with a current 1-4-1 record – and who have been in all likelihood already been eliminated from 2024 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup before playing their next game – to achieve such lofty goals, Porter forcefully argued that not only were such results achievable, but were “mandated by the movement of the spheres, and I can see with absolute clarity through the lens of my third eye.” Requests to Porter for further elaboration on this prediction were met by undecipherable gibberish intermingled with what appeared to be repetitively-incanted mantra.
After the press availability, The Nutmeg News reached out to the Revolution’s press department to see if the club could provide any more clarity on Porter’s statements and predictions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one press office official stated “backing up last week’s guarantee, together with something that happened during the [recent solar] eclipse, seems to have affected Porter in some profound way.”
The official went on to say “it might have something to do with those knock-off eclipse glasses we bought off of Amazon; Caleb used those and seemed to spend an unusually long time looking at the eclipse. Shortly after that, his personality seems to have completely changed.”
Revolution officials are said to be “monitoring closely” Porter’s current behavior, and have indicated if continued unrealistic predictions and unusual statements by Porter continue, it may “call for a rethink of our current coaching leadership to something more stable.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Revolution management – including owner Robert Kraft – make overtures about the possibility of bringing in the “steady hand” of former Revolution coach Bruce Arena.