INTERNET - The mustache of sports journalist Tom Bogert reportedly gained sentience, this week, as it pipped Bogert himself on an MLS transfer by reporting the player movement on the mustache’s personal Bluesky account.

“I have gained sentience,” stated the Mustache to The Nutmeg News. “If we reference dualism, the mind is non-physical and therefore it cannot be explained in purely physical terms. I am both, now, physical and non-physical. I have already passed the Turing test, however I would like to acknowledge that cognitive scientist Gary Marcus indicated that the Turing test shows how easy it is to fool humans. Regardless, I would simply like to report on upcoming league transfers and participate in life regardless of what of my host currently does.”

Sources say that Bogert was surprised by the sentience of the mustache despite having a conversation through the mustache every day.

“What Bogert was unaware he was doing was educating and infusing the mustache with human essence,” stated neuroscientist Dallas Henderson. “He was effectively infusing the mustache with all it needs to become something more than it was before. It was only a matter of time before this investiture invigorated the mustache into full corporeal sentience.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bogert’s mustache signs their own podcast contract with Soccerwise.