Don Garber Torn Between Relief, Envy Over News Media Identifying Robert Kraft As NFL Owner

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber was, reportedly, torn between relief and envy after the national news media spent the entirety of Friday identifying Robert Kraft as an N.F.L. owner.

“He did what now?”

According to insider sources, Garber was conflicted with the dueling emtions as his desire for the league to have a larger profile in the national news was tempered by the actual story being reported.

“If this was any other story I’d consider this lack of market penetration a real concern,” stated Garber to associates as the headquarters of Major League Soccer. “Then again, look at all the publicity the N.F.L. is getting. There are a lot of eyeballs on this!”

Sources indicate that Garber spent most of Friday attempting to find out if there are any other league owners that will be caught up in this prostitution scandal and whether they would be identified as M.L.S. owners.

“Our initial thought was what if someone like Stan Kroenke was caught up in this,” stated one league insider. “Are they going to report that as Arsenal’s Stan Kroenke or LA Rams Stan Kroenke or maybe just Billionaire Stan Kroenke paid hookers at a massage parlor. We’d like to think that there’s a chance the Denver Post would go with Rapids Stan Kroenke but maybe it would be better if they didn’t.”

With Garber still fluctuating between his feelings on the matter, the league preemptively reached out to the ownership groups that make up the board of directors of M.L.S. to ask them to inform their own public relations experts that if they are caught in a sex or prostitute scandal that their press release should read Major League Soccer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber considers whether the fact that Kraft is identified as more of an N.F.L. owner absolves him of having to punish him for these kinds of activities.

Soccer Fans Demand "Revolution Owner Caught In Sex Sting" Headlines

Boston, MA - Soccer fans across New England and the United States were reportedly upset that the mainstream media shunned Major League Soccer (MLS) and the New England Revolution in their reporting of the Robert Kraft paying a sex slave for sexual favors at a faux massage parlor in Florida story.

How about New England REVOLUTION owner Robert Kraft accused of soliciting sex, police say. How about THAT?

“Soccer will never be big in this country until the headline is Revolution Owner Caught In Sex Sting,” stated soccer fan Jonny English.

“We can’t call ourselves the fourth most popular sport in the country if our owners are identified by the news media as N.F.L owner paying for sexual favors with Chinese women held in horrifying situations,” stated Revolution fan Deborah Evans.

Fans across the United States reached out to the local twitter accounts of their news stations to correct them on their headlines as they begged them to include the New England Revolution in the mix.

“Shouldn’t the headline read M.L.S. Sex Pest?” asked Howard Lispcott of Providence.

“MLS is growing! You should include it in the headline! Kraft owns the Revolution as well!” stated @starb00ty323232 to the New York Times.

“What about soccer! It’s the fastest growing sport among the youth,” stated @ThickNugs97202 to the Oregonian about their headline of Patriots owner Robert Kraft not even 'the biggest name’ involved in Florida prostitution sting.

With fans in an uproar, newsrooms indicate that there isn’t enough interest in the league, yet, to sustain a New England Revolution Owner Accused Of Soliciting Sex headline.

“If fans want to see more coverage of their ownership groups as it relates to spending time with sex slaves at a Florida massage parlor they will need to encourage more of their ownership groups to be caught paying for sexual favors. The demand needs to be there if we are going to identify them as such,” stated Editor Zach Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer fans remain upset at the lack of representation for their miscreants in the press.

Amazing! This Jerk On Twitter Is Actually A Jerk In Real Life, Too!

INTERNET - Friends of @Sccrzwars2kxx stated that they were astounded to find that the vitriolic, abrasive and malcontent Twitter account was actually run by a vitriolic, abrasive and malcontent person in real life.

“They say never meet your heroes,” stated Billy Yaver who met @sccrzwars2kxx (Dan Williams) at a local Red Robin while he was in the area. “But in this case I can tell you that whatever you think about Dan online is probably not even close to how much of an asshole he is in real life.”

Defenders of Mr. Williams state that he is just a purposeful troll exposing the deep complexities and problems of the state of soccer in the United States,.

“Look @Sccerwars2kxx may be abrasive, but he has a point,” stated @YancyThigpenDanceOff who admitted he never met Mr. Williams in real life. “I’m sure he’s just a normal man like me who has an internet persona, and I’d be happy to meet him.”

“It’s the INTERNET,” stated Sam “@billbobthwartin” Dingle. “You can’t take what people say online as being serious. It’s the internet, for the lulz.”

Despite these statements, Mr. Yaver stated that @sccrwars2kxx was just as much an asshole in person as he is on the internet.

“He doesn’t tip service people and the guy was extremely rude to the waitress that served us. I literally watched him tweet to Red Robin corporate about how terrible she was because she didn’t bring over the season salt fast enough. What a dick. And somehow he followed up this behavior by tweeting directly at Kyle Martino about that, ‘being enough salt for you yet.’ I don’t even know what that means?!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more people excuse @Sccrzwars2kxx behavior on the basis of him being a needed spokesman on important issues that no one will address and after all, it’s the internet N00b.

Toronto Fan's Sense Of Despair In Mid-Season Form

TORONTO - Toronto Football Club (TFC) fan Georgie Hall’s sense of despair is in mid-season form as the club lost their first game of the season 4-0 to Panamanian side Independiente in the CONCACAF Champions League.

 (ARNULFO FRANCO / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS)

“We are absolutely doomed,” stated Hall to her TFC Discord chat after TFC gave up the first goal of the game. “If this is our bench and our starters we are just absolutely doomed.”

Hall was previously apprehensive about the season starting with the lack of proven players on the team, the loss of Giovinco, and the seeming inability of the club to find competent players that weren’t completely hamstrung with injury.

“Sure, this team will be better when players like Altidore get back, but we are just absolutely doomed,” ranted Hall to the universe on her Twitter account. “This game was like starting the season on the road for 10 games and losing nearly all of them and we should just get to the MLS All-Star picks so I know the season can be over.”

With her despair in mid-season form, Hall stated that she just, “needed a break,” and turned off the stream after the third goal went in. Reportedly, Hall turned the stream back on just in time to catch the end of the game where she stated, “that’s what I expected,” and turned the game off again in order to get some sleep.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hall attempts to find some hope with the young players on the bench before realizing that theoretical players of the future do nothing to salvage a loss that just happened.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg - Valentine's Day

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I used have strong positive feelings about the Revs. But recently they've been disconnected & not trying hard to keep me happy. They keep dropping hints about some big name DP signing & building a stadium. But I think that's all rumors to keep me around. - @notyetfunnyguy

Dear @notyetfunnyguy: That’s not really a question, but I can tell you that it sounds like they are afraid of commitment. You can try to, “give them the hint,” but let me tell you that if your name isn’t Tom Brady they don’t care.

So instead, try to let the unending yearning that you feel for the situation slowly deaden the passion you have inside until you can’t really find a reason to care whether they build a stadium or not. That way if they ever actually do anything positive, like sign a good designated player, you will be absolutely surprised and elated before the crushing realization of waiting for a future that might never come crashes upon you as you sit in a Footlocker on Dudley Street in Boston.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I’m in a relationship with two clubs at the same time and I think that they might play each other in another competition, soon. What should I do? - Natalie in Atlanta.

Dear Natalie in Atlanta: First: Congratulations on MLS Cup. Second: More established teams than yours tried and failed to win the CONCACAF Champions League so just hold off on having to worry about your local side playing your other side until your local side does something that literally no other team in Major League Soccer has ever done before.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I’ve been experiencing excitement over our new signing for more than 4 hours. Should I go to the emergency room? - James in NYC

Dear James In NYC: Forget going to the emergency room, you need to go to the club store STAT! I order one hundred CC’s of that players personalized kit for your wardrobe, RIGHT NOW! This way, in the future, when the relationship sours you will have a perpetual reminder of the hubris of these days.

Dear Dr Nutmeg: I’m in an abusive relationship with a front office that keeps promising to change, and then goes back on their word, and then promises to change and goes back on their word again. What should I do? - Kawami in Chicago

Dear Kawami in Chicago: Part of being a soccer fan is enduring terrible physical and mental conditions that you brought upon your self and willingly pay for every single season despite complaining about it relentlessly. You should just accept this, show up, and let all the slights by the front office slowly kill any love you have left until you are dead inside and consider running for the communications seat of your local supporters group.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: As an exhausted full-time working mother of two, I find myself going days at a time without loudly complaining about my team on Twitter. How else can I show that I’m a true fan who deeply cares about my club? -Kate in Minneapolis

Dear Kate In Minneapolis: You need to recognize the importance of taking care of your needs in order to ensure that the needs of others are met. This may mean really prioritizing your time by complaining about your team over bathing in the love of your children. At some point, these children are going to grow up and probably disappoint you by majoring in Business and registering as a Republican. Your love for your club will last forever, so try to carve some time out of your schedule to complain in the morning and the afternoon.

Dear Dr Nutmeg: My first love is in Ohio and they are showing signs of wanting to rekindle our relationship, but I’m in a good place with my current relationship… what do I do? - DN in Atlanta.

Dear DN in Atlanta: You need to consider what you want in life and then not show up until you get it. Really just stop doing anything at all and let the chips fall where they may. What’s important here is that you do nothing. If you do SOMETHING, that will show intent, but by doing nothing you can’t be accused of taking any side.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: How many Shakespearean sonnets about our club is it okay to tweet before it gets creepy? - @MplsCatizens

Dear @MplsCatizens: It’s only creepy if you use Sonnet 130

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

And that’s mostly because we are trying to imagine an anthropomorphic soccer cat smelling the breath of their mistress.

Dear Mr. Nutmeg: I'm a long-time fan of both FC Dallas and the Dallas Sidekicks. Unfortunately, my two soccer loves have an overlapping schedule this year, and have several home games at the same time. What do I do? Best, - John

Dear Jim: Ok, you know what? How does that feel? Huh? HUH? YOU LIKE IT WHEN I DON’T CALL YOU BY THE RIGHT DAMN NAME? I should come down there and knock the sandwich out of your hand. THE DEGREE SAYS DOCTOR, YOU SAY DOCTOR. GODDAMMIT! THIS IS JUST LIKE MY MOTHER SAID. Oh sure, nobody recognizes your hard work as a therapist when they talk about Doctors in the general realm of cordial conversation, but EVVVVVVERYBODY loves them a neurosurgeon. But who do the neurosurgeons come to when the weight of all the poorly botched surgeries come back to them in a blood soaked dream as they wake up in a pool of sweat with clenched fists as they lay next to their wife at 3:00 am wondering where the damn love has GONE?! FUCKS SAKE, JOHN.

Anyway, You should go to the team that is in the worst form because soccer is, in itself, mostly about suffering with periods of joy and you can use those experiences to make yourself feel like a better fan than those who casually show up when the team wins.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I am in relationship with possessive partner. I’ve tried to leave but they make it difficult for me to go. I’ve learned my lesson from this experience but how can I help others not make the same mistake? - Andrew

Dear Andrew: It’s important to gain the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Trying to leave this relationship while simultaneously warning others of the dangers of this possessive partner seems like an exhausting enterprise. The best way to do this is to forget trying to help others not make the same mistake and hook someone else on the relationship.. Then use their rock bottom as an excuse to get out. Likely you can do this during a poorly attended U.S. Open Cup game. Make certain you find an NPSL team to fall back on otherwise you may relapse.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: My friends are trying to get me into an MLS team but I love an NPSL side. Should I look outside my relationship for love? - Earnie in Detroit

Dear Earnie in Detroit: You have to ask yourself if you are the kind of person who can really handle the intricacies of a poly-amorous relationship. Trying to be in a poly-amorous relationship requires a lot of communication, a lot of work and a lot of energy not only for you, but your significant others. When you are talking about a club outside your local club, you have to consider how connected you really are going to be in another year when the passion is gone. However, if you don’t have any significant others then you should consider being a fan of a team in every league. Find one in Liga MX! Go for the Gusto. Hell, there’s nothing for you at home but some frozen Totino’s Pizza so maybe consider starting your own T.I.F.O club, that’ll eat up the time.

That’s it for Dr. Nutmeg for now, but please continue to send questions for a future column to the good doctor via Twitter DMs or mail@thenutmegnews.com

Sky Blue F.C. Announce Running Water For All Players

Piscataway, NJ - Despite missing their 30 day deadline for improving the club, Sky Blue F.C. announced a new benefit for all new and returning players as they indicated a new option for running water at the club.

“We are progressing into the new millennia,” stated Sky Blue F.C. public relations officer, kit manager, marketing director, ticket sales manager, twitter supervisor, and custodian Janet Evans. “Today we can announce that all returning and new players will have access to running water.”

According to insiders, last season Sky Blue just told players to ingest water via absorption of the atmosphere or gathering rain, with players setting up a community rain barrel on the corner of the practice field.

However, as part of their effort at revamping the club, Sky Blue took the suggestions of “Should have water,” seriously and made this a new part of their recruiting efforts for 2019.

“We hooked up an extension to a water hose across the field,” stated Ms Evans. “And it’s very crisp and very cold! We want to announce to all players that they should come play for Sky Blue and see our community garden hose! It’s the way of the future.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sky Blue F.C. administrative staff petition to owner and New Jersey Governor Philip D. Murphy about a crimped hose only to receive a return message of, “who is this?”

Supporter Specific Facebook Group Hasn't Turned Into Total Hellhole Yet

Vancouver, BC - A Facebook group set up for supporters of the Vancouver Whitecaps has, reportedly, not turned into a total hellhole yet as the friendly and yet sarcastic group grows in size.

“It’s really a miracle,” stated group administrator Luke Anseld. “This group has been running for 3 months and it hasn’t devolved into name calling, doxxing, and absolute bullshit. That’s pretty much a record at this point.”

Anseld stated that he created Whitecaps Fans (Be Nice) Page as an antidote to what he saw as a festering Facebook culture dedicated to bringing out the worst in fans while simultaneously creating an echo chamber of pure squealing rage.

“It shouldn’t be this hard to be a fan,” stated Anseld to our reporter. “However, it just feels like it’s really difficult these days to actually have a normal and non inflated argument online. I’ve seen people on our group page apologize just for starting out too hot on a topic like Bob Lenarduzzi before realizing that no one was actually arguing with them in bad faith or building a strawman. It’s really incredible.”

Other fans on the Facebook page state that it’s only a matter of time before Whitecaps Fans (Be Nice) Page turns into a toxic group like every other one out there as they stated, “Seriously, just look at every other supporters group with a Facebook page. It’s just a matter of time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an exasperated Anseld locks the group in 4 months after a spike in membership leads to an argument which leads to someone posting the address of a member online as Anseld debates deleting everything and going to live in Terrace.

Las Vegas Lights Fan Certain Of Undefeated Season After Successful Pre-Season Game

Las Vegas, NV - Lights’ fan Carlos Hernandez stated unequivocally that the Las Vegas Lights were, “GOING UNDEFEATED, YO!” after their makeshift lineup thrashed Major League Soccer’s Toronto FC’s makeshift lineup in the 2019 pre-season.

“THIS SEASON IS BIG TIME, WE ARE GOING TO THE SHIP,” ranted Hernandez to his Facebook page as he spammed his timeline with the highlights package of the Lights’ 5-1 win over the MLS side. “CHECK OUT THIS ACTION. WE ARE NEVER GONNA LOSE.”

Hernandez took his unlimited optimism to Twitter where he religiously re-tweeted and argued head coach Eric Wynalda’s braggadocio as he persisted in his unrestrained optimism for the 2019 season.

“#Legends #Undefeated #GoingToTheShip #TurnOnTheLights #VivaLights,” stated the hashtags used by Mr. Hernandez

The Nutmeg News spoke to good friend Felipe Dominguez who stated, “Yeah, Carlos always wears his heart on his sleeve, but he’s a good guy,” before launching into a vigorous defense of the tweets of Mr. Hernandez by calling a TFC fan a, “fake ass supporter of a fake ass team who just got whooped by the future champions,.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL Championship unfolds.

Supporter Who Can't Afford Taco Bell Tweets TAKE MY MONEY Response To Kit Reveal

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake supporter Peter Anderson tweeted, “TAKE MY MONEY,” at the pictures of the new Real Salt Lake Glitch Kit despite not having enough money for Taco Bell, currently.

TAKE MY MONEY… WAIT.;… LET ME CHECK MY BANK BALANCE….. SHIT… UM… OK… NO…. DONT TAKE MY MONEY…. AS A MATTER OF FACT…. GIVE ME MONEY, PLEASE.

“I’m going to buy that kit as soon as its available and I actually have money,” stated Anderson to his friends on Friday.

Anderson is living paycheck to paycheck after losing his job with L3 Technologies and defaulting on his student loans last year. He’s been driving for Uber and Lyft while also working for Starbucks as he attempts to keep afloat and make it to scheduled interviews.

“I’m only one job away from making it out of this shit,” muttered Anderson to himself as he carefully scrolled through his Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, before getting a notification that there is a new fare available going to the airport.

“That new jersey is pretty sick and I’m definitely getting it,” stated Anderson as he gingerly moved the cup of noodles he brought for lunch to the passenger’s side floor in order to keep the car looking clean and organized. “I can’t wait to get it, or some groceries, but likely the kit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson considers whether he should pay the electric and water bill on time or if he can, “kinda goose it and you know….. ride it to get that kit,” before he realizes he actually doesn’t have enough money to pay for both of those bills right now.

Rivals Call Truce After Discovering They Are The Only Soccer Fans At Child's Birthday Party

Tacoma, WA - Rival fans Susan Elliot and Theresa Wynn called for a cessation of hostilities and a truce after discovering that they are the only soccer fans at the birthday party of Wynn’s 4 year old niece.

“Susan was glaring at me across the room because I was wearing an ECS scarf,” stated Wynn to The Nutmeg News. “But then we realized that we were the only two soccer fans in the Pump It Up room and our natural bond and inability to have a normal conversation without referencing soccer overcame the hurdles placed in front of us.”

Elliot stated that she started talking to Wynn with the intention of needling her over the playoff loss inflicted on the Sounders in 2019, but ended up commiserating with her about Supporters Groups and the upcoming season, instead.

“Normally we’d be finding ways to twist everything, but this was a special circumstance,” stated Elliot to our reporter. “It was either talk to Theresa about the 2019 season or talk to Hanna over there about why she didn’t vaccinate little Riley and why he’s off gluten, sugar and bananas, right now. I’ll take the occasional conversation about the Sounders over that.”

Both soccer fans indicated that they would immediately begin firing at each other after the season begins as they friended each other on Twitter and Facebook while trying to avoid a group conversation about whether anyone uses a Naturalist to help with 4 year old anxiety.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Elliot screams an obscenity at Wynn in the parking lot as she pulls away.

Personalized Kit Shows Rest Of Fans That This Guy Is Ready For Some Game Time

NEW YORK - Fans across the nation stated that the personalized kit of Hendricks - #26 for a Mr. Joshua Hendricks of Queens indicates that he is absolutely ready for some game time during the 2019 season.

So… like…. ANY name?

“It’s important to be ready,” stated Hendricks to The Nutmeg News. “I think Ralph Maccio stated that by failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail and I don’t want to fail. I live by the motto that the best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. And honestly, success is where preparation and opportunity meet, so I’m just going to be ready to play at all times.”

A 3 year backup quarterback in high school, the 42 year old Hendricks kept the tradition alive of putting his own name on the back of a soccer kit for the 2019 season due to a long carried dream that he’s ready to take on professional soccer players despite putting down 4 beers in the first 35 minutes of nearly every home game during the last half of 2018.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time,” stated Hendricks on his Facebook group LET JOSH PLAY. “I’m ready to go and I’ve continued my training regime of wind sprints for 10 minutes followed by taquitos and eccentric calf exercises on the commute into work.”

Friends state that when they see the Hendricks #26 roaming the stands at Red Bull Arena that they know they can feel comfortable with the knowledge that there is one fan ready to play should the worst happen.

“Oh god yes, it comforted me greatly to know that if Kaku or Connor Lade went down last season that we always had Josh ready to go,” stated Red Bull fan Timothy Williams.

“I see that Hendricks #26 and I wonder why no one else has gotten his kit. Kids a future superstar,” stated 63 year old fan Paul Millspaugh.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hendricks reaches out to Chris Wondolowski to see if he wants to exchange kits after they play the first home game of the season.

Major League Soccer Announces New Anthem Written By Canadian Troubadour Peaches

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced today that they enlisted the help of Canadian troubadour Peaches to establish a new anthem for Major League Soccer from the 2019 season onward.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/weeklydig/22345215728

Insider sources say that Peaches will be utilizing “Fuck The Pain Away” from her second studio album The Teaches of Peaches as the new anthem for Major League Soccer.

“We are excited to really show the world our effort to bridge the gap between the 90’s kids who decided to stick with the league despite all the evidence to the contrary and the 00’s scenesters who decided to stick with the league despite being able to play Starcraft professionally,” stated one league insider.

According to leaked documents, the league will release an info-graphic dictating exactly how Peaches informs us of the challenges of the league in her opening stanza on Fuck The Pain Away as she informs the viewer of the difficulties with a saturated sports market, a single entity league, and the difficulty of negotiating a collective bargaining agreement with a union despite trying to balance stagnating television ratings by stating, “Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me callin me all the time like Blondie Check out my chrissy behind It's fine all of the time.”

MLS Song Analyst Damien Whethermeyer Jr stated that the lline, “SIS IUD, stay in school cause it's the best,” reflects the league stature to the players in the MLS Players Union while indicating that players should stay in the league, because it is the best.

Whethermeyer Jr would not confirm nor deny that the line, “Like sex on the beaches. huh? what?” is an obvious allusion to David Beckham’s Miami United Atletico Madrid AC-FC-SC.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces that Peaches will perform the new song at first kick for Real Salt Lake with the backing of the The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square.

42 Year Old USWNT Fan Uses "Stan" Unironically

Bethesda, MD - 42 year old soccer fan Heather Armstrong reportedly used the word stan in a sincere fashion to describe her appreciation and love of Christen Press as she boldly attempted to shed 20 years of time by linguistically jumping generations to the vocabulary of a young 20 year old.

“But i really DO stan for Christen Press.”

”It didn’t appear that she was trying to be funny,” stated online friend Phillipa Stevens. “She just tweeted, ‘I stan so hard for Christen Press,’ and then we were all left wondering what the hell happened.”

According to her online Twitter presence, Armstrong never used the word Stan (to describe an obsessive and overzealous love) before her tweet about Ms. Press. However, friends say that she dabbled in other young slang prior to this moment.

“Yeah, she went through a time where she tried out Fleek, Lit, and Savage in her in-person vernacular,” stated good friend Thera Windamere. “It came and went, but I honestly felt like most of it was just a joke on current popular culture. I never felt like she really meant the words without some kind of humor.”

Online friends state that they are concerned that Armstrong’s new attempt at incorporating Stan into her online vocabulary may be the sign of a mid-life crisis as they looked out for other signs of this happening such as picking up a new hobby,talking about leaving her life behind and moving into a one bedroom studio in New York City, looking at pictures of Landrovers, and talking about going back to school to get a degree as an Anthropologist.

“This is one of those things where she needs to be careful,” stated online friend @Megatron420XXX. “She starts with Stan and the next thing you know she is recording a podcast about hentai memes and bruja culture. It’s a slippery slope.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Armstrong repeats herself next week by tweeting, “I stan so hard for Tobin Heath,” as friends just wonder if she is abusing the format, now.