With 2023 Season Over, Rapids Blogger Begins Look Towards 2024

Denver, CO - Bemoaning the 4-0 loss to the Seattle Sounders that signified the end of the, “rebuilding year,” of 2023, Rapids Blogger Abraham Weston sat down at his computer and began his exhaustive look towards 2024.

“I think that we have some possible pieces that can really compete for a playoff spot,” wrote Weston on his substack. “And if you eliminate the feeling of loss from the 2023 season, you can see some bright spots.”

Sources say that Weston was far more positive about the 2023 season than some Rapids fans who took to Twitter and LinkedIN to complain about the lack of investment in the squad. However, Weston tried to take the long term perspective.

“I believe that eventually there will be enough random chance that we will somehow put together a blue-collar team that will lunch pail ourselves to the Western Conference semi-final before we ultimately fail to progress due to not having a singular player that can take over a game. I can’t wait.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other Rapids fans call Weston a paid shill.

Major League Soccer To Require All Teams Play in Indoor Stadiums Starting in 2024

NEW YORK – Stung by the rescheduling or postponement of inaugural weekend games in Portland and Los Angeles due to weather conditions, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced today that starting with the 2024 season, all MLS teams will be required to play home games in an indoor stadium.

Portland fan on their way to the home opener.,

“With the MLS season increasingly entering into poor-weather winter months due to league expansion, in-season cup competitions, and more playoff games, there is a need to ensure we have compatible playing conditions for games,” said Mark Abbott, President and Deputy Commissioner of Major League Soccer. “MLS believes the only viable solution is for teams to play indoors,” he continued.

At present, only two of 29 MLS teams – Atlanta and Vancouver – play in stadiums which can be made indoor with a retractable roof. Another 10 teams – Dallas, Houston, LAFC, LA Galaxy, Saint Louis, Minneapolis, Montreal, Toronto, Seattle and Miami – play in cities with an existing stadium – currently hosting American or Canadian football or baseball – that is either fully indoor or converts to indoor with a retractable roof. This will leave 17 current MLS teams having to scramble to convert their current stadium to allow for indoor play, or find an alternative indoor venue in a different city until that can be done.

As yet, most MLS teams have not announced how they intend to comply with this edict. Inquiries into the front offices by the Nutmeg News yielded only two responses. Portland Timbers, currently playing in a stadium owned by the city of Portland, are lobbying Portland mayor Ted Wheeler for city funds to purchase a 150,000 square foot tarpaulin to be secured to the roof of that stadium. NYCFC will temporarily relocate to Tropicana Field, an indoor baseball stadium and the current home of the Tampa Bay Rays.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas reach out to the Sidekicks to see if they can rent Reunion Arena.

Despondent Philadelphia Union Fan Demands To Be Part Of Citywide Depression As Philadelphia Mourns Second Straight Championship Loss

Philadelphia, PA- Philadelphia Union fan Sam Hays demanded to be included in the citywide depression after the Eagles lost Super Bowl LVII to the football team from Kansas City extending the Philadelphia citywide curse to two straight major sports championship losses.

“Goddammit, I HURT TOO,” stated Hays to depressed friend and Eagles fan James Thurston.

Sources say that Hays felt distinctly left out as the city bemoaned the loss of two straight championships.

“WE LOST AS WELL, GODDAMMIT WE LOST AS WELL,” stated Hays. “I was THERE man. I had my heart ripped out. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO TO COUNT.”

Sources indicate that local sports mourned the loss of the Phillies and the Eagles while a mention of the Union happened on the Philadelphia Inquirer, largely due to employing people who care.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hays spends most of Monday dovetailing the loss to his experience in 2022.

AppleTV Video Package For Inter Miami Prominently Features Carlos Valderrama Highlights

FORT LAUDERDALE – Inter Miami CF today released its promotional video package as part of MLS’s league-wide promotion of the exclusive broadcasting partnership with AppleTV. Many viewers were surprised to find that the package seem to primarily feature highlights of the play of Carlos Valderrama.

Valderrama, a Colombian international and MLS All-Time Best XI, has not played professional soccer for a Miami team since 1999, during a two-year run for the now-defunct Miami Fusion of the early MLS. Now, 61, Valderrama played 24 games and scored 3 goals for the Fusion between 1997 and 1999.

Asked for comment, Inter Miami’s press liaison stated “Inter Miami wanted to remind MLS fans of the long history of exciting football played in Fort Lauderdale.” Inter Miami had no comment on the lack of more recent highlights. In its three-year MLS history, the team has made the playoffs only once and have yet to score a playoff goal.

Eagle-eyed viewers also noted that the only highlight that appeared to show a goal scored by an Inter Miami player was instead a clip of Lionel Messi in a pink Barcelona kit, with the Inter Miami crest crudely inserted using what appeared to be 1990s computer-generated imaging technology.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a de-aged Johan Cruyff appears to line up for D.C. United in a new promotional reel.

Chicago Fire Apple Music Playlist Just 4 Hours Of Man Screaming

INTERNET - With the release of official Apple Music playlists for most Major League Soccer (MLS) teams, fans were quick to note that the Chicago Fire playlist is just 4 hours of a man screaming.

Artists Depiction

"We have playlists across MLS that reflect the culture and personality of the team they are made for,” stated Fire music curator Josiah Williams. “What better way for new fans to get the feeling of the Fire than a 4 hour track of someone screaming in an empty room?"

Sources state that the Fire created a playlist roundtable of unpaid volunteers to suggest tracks to the Fire music selection committee. Some of the reported options given to the team were empty dissonance, the sound of one hand clapping and a 26 hour cut of the Apocalypse Now clip of, “the horror, the horror,” played in Dolby Surround.

Fire GameDay staff say they're excited for new fans to connect the dots to come to a game by revealing it will be played before, during, and after Fire games in the future.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as excited fans can’t tell where their screaming begins and the playlist ends.

Groundhog Predicts Two More Weeks Without An NWSL Schedule

Punxsutawney, PA - Punxsutawney Phil, the prognosticator of prognosticators, was removed from his temporary residence and reported that he saw his shadow which means two more weeks without a National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) schedule.

WHERE IS IT!

Sources say that irate NWSL fans took to Twitter to voice their concerns over the schedule at Senior Writer with The Athletic Meg Linehan regarding the situation as some blamed her for the groundhogs prediction.

“I just want to know where the schedule is,” stated one anonymous NWSL fan. “I know that Meg knows that the groundhog knows that it isn’t going to be two more weeks, but I’d just like to know where it is.”

Sources indicate that Phil was in communication with the NWSL as they asked for more time.

“We can neither confirm nor deny that Phil was involved in the schedule makers,” stated one of Phils handlers. “However, we strongly rebuke any kind of indication that there was something inappropriate going on with the release of the schedule. Everything is above board and Phil sees his shadow or does not purely based upon his shadow and the weather.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the schedule is picked by a sentient octopus in Germany.

United States Soccer Teams Kick Off Black History Month By Looking For Black Front Office Employees

UNITED STATES - Soccer teams across the country kicked off their celebration of Black History Month by scouring their offices for employees who are black as they attempted to fulfil their diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) promises.

“We’ve been able to really find a few employees this time around,” stated one human resources manager. “Our office is extremely diversified if you count the players on the team. ESPECIALLY if you include players from French territories. EXTREMELY diversified.”

Sources say that one social media manager stated, “Has it really been a year?” before going to google to look up a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to post to the team’s Twitter feed. “It’s always exciting this time of year because I get to google so many different people for a week or two in February.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a Tom Jeffers, from the Sugar House neighborhood, retweets the Real Salt Lake Black History Month post as his moment of local defiance.