Soccer Supporter Settles Into Familiar Springtime Routine Of Arguing With Complete Strangers Online

Seattle, WA - Sounders supporter Andrew Adams stated that it felt really nice as he settled into his familiar springtime routine of arguing with complete strangers online about the results and team.

“It’s a comforting feeling,” stated Adams to The Nutmeg News. “It’s like daffodils blooming or opening up the windows to clean the house. I went from talking mostly about extended universe Star Wars plots to spending last night on Twitter calling this guy who just started following me a complete fucking idiot. I don’t know who he is or where he lives, but I hope he had a bad night. You know, that alone makes me think about the changing of the seasons and the movement of time. Ah spring, the time of renewal.”

Sources say that Adams took to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Discord to rant about the team as he saved Reddit for the morning.

“I like to be confrontational for breakfast,” stated Adams. “It’s something I’ve built into my seasonal renaissance. With the loss, it makes it nice and easy to really get into it with some of the dumbasses I see online.”

Sources say that Adams seemed especially chipper as he Tweeted, “Time for some spring cleaning,” as he blocked several ECS members that he never met in real life.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Adams transitions into, “giving up,” for the summer before proclaiming, “we’re back,” for the fall.

Successful Nashville Cup Run Ends In 1-3 Loss As Team Meets League Goal Of Creating 10,000 New Tennessee Based Inter Miami Fans

Miami, Fl - Nashville SC’s cup run ended in success with a 1-3 loss to Inter Miami as the team announced they met their league goal of creating 10,000 new Tennessee based Inter Miami fans.

“Tonight was a roaring success,” stated Nashville General Manager Mike Jacobs to the downcast locker room. “We achieved our business metric mandated by the league of creating at least 10,000 new Tennessee based Inter Miami fans.”

Sources say that most of the Nashville soccer team took heart in the new “fans created” metric, however some anonymous players wondered if the team could’ve served as the focal point to their own fans.

“It’d be nice if the people of Tennessee were rooting for us,” stated one anonymous player. “It’s really weird to have our own team bending over backwards for people to cheer for Miami.”

For their part, Nashville SC stated that they were able to recoup some of their recent losses by the overcharging of the Messi tourist crowd and Inter Miami gear sold by the league.

“Messi kits are our biggest seller!” stated Jacobs. “And by us I mean the league. I’m sure Nashville has some kit sells as well, but what about that Messi!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nashville petitions the league to have Inter Miami play some home games in Nashville as well.

After Successfully Running Two MLS Franchises Into The Ground, Nelson "Hatchet Man" Rodriguez Finds His Zen Destroying US Open Cup

NEW YORK - After successfully running both Chivas USA and the Chicago Fire into the ground so badly that fans openly protested his hiring, Chivas USA ceased to exist and the Fire shed both fans, sponsors and players, Nelson “Hatchet Man” Rodriguez admitted he is finally finding his zen by attempting to destroy the US Open Cup for Major League Soccer (MLS).

“It’s the culmination of all my skills and techniques I’ve used over the years,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “Being the Executive Vice President of Sporting Competition means that I have the mandate to figure out new and exciting ways to screw things up for the league. It’s taken all my skills from the Metrostars (RIP) to Chivas USA (RIP) to the Fire (RIP) in order for me to finally get to a point where I can fully piss off all the fans in the United States and destroy the US Open Cup for Don Garber.”

Sources say that Rodriguez has had a new “pep in his step” as he starts the day with a feeling that he is on the right path.

“If I do my job right, the only thing left over will be cup competitions with sponsors that give money to the league that involve teams from our league. We will create NEW traditions. We will own the financial compensation for all of these new traditions. And the fans can suck it. Especially the ones from Chicago. Also, if I get a half chance I’m going to ban Sector Latino again. Just because.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rodriguez fails upward again.

Toronto FC Announce New Pre-Game Tradition Of Burning Down White House

TORONTO - In response to the New England Revolution corporate tradition of throwing a cardboard box with a sticker of the opposing team on it over a railing to simulate the Boston Tea Party, Toronto FC announced a new pre-game tradition of burning down the White House to simulate the War Of 1812.

“We call this our 1812 overture,” stated TFC communication manager Steven “Generalisimo” Jackson. “In response to the unnecessary TFC Dump, we will march upon the White House and burn it to the ground like Robert Ross did in the past.”

History majors state that they are flummoxed by both displays as both of them are indicative of an American dispute with England rather than Canada. However, they did acknowledge the savage nature of replicating the White House fire of 1814 as they stated, “DAaaaaaaaaaaaamn.”

Sources say that the Revolution responded by recalling Brad Friedel and formulating a plan to winter over at Valley Forge and eat firecakes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution announce another corporate tradition of appointing General Benedict Arnold as Secretary of Defense.