Fans Keep Others Away To Hide Popularity Of Lower Division Club

EDITORS NOTE: In order to file this story we were required to keep the location and names of the people herein anonymous. The following contains redacted locations and team names, and pseudonyms to protect their identity.

REDACTED - REDACTED supporters group members "David Jefferson" and "Kelly Landow" (names changed to protect their identity) have long followed the saga of other groups in the United States and Canada including the Atlanta Silverbacks and Detroit City FC in an effort to figure out how to save their own soccer culture from being absorbed into the upper leagues and reborn as a different club. The two hit on a methodology at keeping their team their own as they stated to The Nutmeg News, "We just stopped talking about our club, and try to encourage other members of our supporters group to appear apathetic about soccer online."

"Yes, I would like to talk about soccer that exists somewhere within the borders of North America. No, I would not like to show you."

"Attracting attention to yourself is death in these countries," stated the duo, "and we have watched people who have drawn attention of the league front offices to their own passionate love of soccer who end up watching their creation and energy pilfered by the so-called big leagues of the area in the USL, NASL and MLS. We have decided to take down our pictures of games from our private servers, ensure that people do not post to facebook, take down our twitter page, and we have stopped inviting people to go to REDACTED games with us."

Reportedly, the two have gone to extreme levels to protect their fun by "wearing code" as they eschew things that supporters in North America typically use like scarves, team apparel, flags or anything with imagery associated with the beautiful game.

"We dress to ensure that no one knows we are going to have fun with our friends for 90 minutes at a soccer game," stated Ms. Landow. "We also ensure that we tell NO ONE of our team, our fun, or our passion. We ensure that we use smoke not as a celebratory device but as a way to hide our true numbers so that people can't say, 'look at all the passion for soccer here, we should talk expansion.' It's that important to us."

Mr. Jefferson stated to The Nutmeg News that the group has a code for meetups which include adapted statements from the 1996 book Fight Club as the group states, "THE FIRST RULE OF redacted IS THAT YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT redacted."

The Nutmeg News would have more on this but we were informed that the groups 15 minutes of TracFone time was up and they had to throw the burner phone away.

Bored Journalist Writes Article In Support Of Concussions

TORONTO - "Back when men were men," stated bored journalist Kyer Maclethorpe as he penned a piece even he didn't really believe defending concussions as a function of the game of soccer that has by his own statement, "been watered down by a bunch of dickheads bent on making Canadian soccer less manly."

"There's not enough brain damage in the league anymore. Both of these players should be completely bloody and unable to remember their children's names" - Kyer Maclethorpe

"Look, I'm out of topics that don't pertain the the game that just happened, there are 6 days of content I have to fill before we get a new talking point and I need something that will work. And lets be honest, nothing sells papers and gets clicks on your website like a contrary opinion that evokes nostalgia of a by-gone era where everything was more simple and people were really tough while inflaming the passions of people from this current generation by insulting them and calling their generation entitled un-knowing rubbish. All you have to do is pick a controversial topic, take the opposite stance on it and then let the words fly," stated Mr. Maclethorpe. 

Hanson Reynolds, the Toronto Times sports editor stated, "We told Kyer that he needed to produce clicks in order to keep his job. We don't really care what he writes as long as he gets some page clicks and we see some advertiser money."

Maclethorpe defended his position on support of concussions by stating, "You really don't even need to believe what you are writing, that's the best part. Just defend the living hell out of it and watch the readers roll on in. The more flamboyant the take and the more relevant to recent events, the better. Go after someone like Taylor Twellman or blame the fans enraged reaction on entitled millennials or stupid fans who appropriate soccer culture as faux-hooligans and you can get a job writing for papers. You might even get a position reporting on the game for ESPN. It's a shell game but one that we can all live with as our careers slowly become shuttered by the death of newspapers world wide."

The Nutmeg News will have more as Mr. Maclethorpe writes an article about how the game has been ruined by having referees at all and that players should play even if they have to amputate their own limbs on the field.

Major League Soccer Announces That Detroit Can Skip Having A Stadium If They Give The League 750 Million Dollars

Detroit, MI - Major League Soccer announced an addendum to the league stipulation of a stadium for expansion if the Detroit bid will, "Just give the league 750 million dollars instead."

Shout out to Amway!

Reportedly the league has required a stadium for all new expansions but realized the value in just allowing a team to go ahead and play anyway after getting a truck load of money from the New York City FC expansion operator group.

"A stadium is good, so are fans, but money is better," stated commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber. "I don't want to speak out of turn but if 750 million dollars just showed up in our bank account, Detroit FC could start playing next year. Shit, we will do a deal with the Tigers, give them a small cut in on ownership and get Detroit Football Club to indefinitely play at Comerica Park just like we did with NYCFC. That way they can hammer out underhanded and backhanded deals with the local government for about 10 to 20 years while we hammer out articles like, 'Is the Detroit FC stadium coming soon?!' on our website. It'll be the Revolution and D.C. United all over again."

Sources within Major League Soccer stated that while the league relaxed its mandate on actually having a stadium if you have a boat load of cash, that they have not relaxed their mandate on having billionaire owners.

"I grew up on the crime side, the New York Times side, Staying alive was no jive, Had second hands, moms bounced on old man. So then we moved to Detroit land. Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M Dolla dolla bill y'all," stated Don Garber before he dropped the microphone off the lectern and posed for a photo.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this saga as it continues in your city.

Major League Soccer Registers All Male Zygotes As Homegrown Players

EDITORS NOTE: We spoke with Mr. Alderson about the issue that all zygotes/humans start life as female, but he stated this does not deter the current plans of Major League Soccer and that they will register all zygotes on the outside chance they turn into male soccer players.

NEW YORK - In a precautionary move, Major League Soccer announced that they registered all male zygotes currently gestating in their mothers wombs as homegrown players for Major League Soccer.

"We have to label these early term developmental zygotes before they mature into a fetus and declare for Chivas Guadalajara or Bromby."

"We have to protect our trademark and our brand," stated director of Eugenics for Major League Soccer, Brad Alderson. "It's important for the fan to realize that we must be proactive in adding players to our league, even if those players aren't going to play any time soon. If we are going to register our websites and trademarks for teams and locations that don't even exist yet, we are damn certain going to do the same for players."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer has worked with hospitals and health insurance companies to ensure that there are league loyalty clauses and contracts for newly pregnant women across the United States and Canada.

"While we have retroactively added all current zygotes to our development and gestation academy, we are also working on the future babies not even in our development and gestation academy system. We like to call this decision day," stated Mr Alderson to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "Mothers and fathers on the day that they find out they are expecting a child get to decide if their zygote has a chance at being a professional soccer player bound to Major League Soccer for the entirety of their child's life or if their upcoming fetus will be barred from all future development opportunities in the sport of soccer. It's a simple choice, really. We are just trying to protect the future by signing up all unborn male children in the United States and Canada. What's the harm in that?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer offers a $10,000 bonus for any mother who names her son, "Firstname Lastname brought to you by Advocare and Major League Soccer"

Revolution Security Agent Concerned At Tampon Choices Of Fan

Foxborough, MA - Revolution security agent Timmy Oliver stated that he was, "very concerned about the tampon choices of season ticket holder Jane McHendry of Attleboro." 

"You should likely also think about switching away from that Maybelline mascara as it has known carcinogens."

With the New England Revolution mandating a clear bag policy for entrance into Gillette Stadium, Mr. Oliver has found himself staring more and more at the private items that women bring through. It was during his recent search of personal property that he noticed through her clear plastic bag that Ms. McHendry was using Tampax regular but not Tampax radiant or not even the Tampax pearl

"I spoke to her about the fact that Tampax radiant gives her a better absorbency for her menses, but she just wouldn't listen," stated Mr. Oliver to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "With the fact that I am an amateur gynecologist, I feel that I should be taking note of what women are bringing in on a daily basis. For example: I noticed that Tiffany Emberson switched from bringing in a random PLAN B pill to not bringing one in at all. I asked her if she had been sexually active and warned her about HPV. I mean, I saved that girls life."

While nearly everyone on the planet thinks that making people bring in their items in clear plastic bags is just utterly stupid and does nothing except allow snooping dickheads to look at your stuff, the NFL, The Revolution and likely (eventually) Major League Soccer think they need to see what is in your bag.

"It's important for us to ensure that your health and safety are paramount," stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "Just like our mandatory prostate exams for men, we will ensure that women are taking care of their cycle correctly and ensuring that they are informed about birth control choices including abstinence which is a core cornerstone of Major League Soccer at every level."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer takes out a full page advertisement warning specific season ticket holding women, by name, that their makeup has expired and they should think about changing it out for a MLS sponsored bare minerals kit.

Millennial Develops Opinion On Player He Never Watched

Erie, PA - "John Harkes is the best player the United States has ever produced," announced 18 year old William Arbus to THE INTERNET on Monday afternoon.

"Some of you had to google this," stated a pompous little shit known as Mr. Arbus

Despite his inability to watch a single minute of Harkes play live and having been born four years before Harkes officially retired from the Columbus Crew, this still didn't stop Mr Arbus from developing an opinion on the former United States international.

"This man is drastically overlooked in the pantheon of US players," ranted Mr. Arbus. "Granted, I never watched him play in the flesh and I'm relying entirely on grainy youtube highlight packages and my fathers faulty memory but that isn't going to stop me from telling everyone that will listen that John Harkes is the best and that they are wrong about everything mostly because they started watching soccer in 2010."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Arbus father Geoff about his son's opinion and he had the following to say, "I really based my own opinion on this subject with the limited soccer options that we had to watch during the early 90's. Honestly, we didn't even have regular soccer to watch til way after the 1994 world cup so I would likely have thought that any player that I heard about on a regular basis was the best. This is why everyone that started watching soccer in the early 2000's thought Landon Donovan was the best, it's not like we had other options. Honestly, any player who played at any level in England was the best player we ever had at that time. Although I'm not certain there is any difference between then and now in that regard."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Arbus develops an opinion on Garrincha.

Man's T.I.F.O Idea Consists Of Laurels And, "Some Kind Of... You Know... Like... Some Movie Thing"

Toledo, OH - Soccer fan Yancey David has stated that he has the, "best T.I.F.O idea ever," as he ranted to his friend from Columbus on the phone about how they need to make, "Some kind of like banner or flag with ... you know... like... some movie thing," on said item.

"Ok, we start with laurels because this is the thing that will differentiate us from every other T.I.F.O, banner and flag out there."

"We can do that movie thing from... um.. maybe Guardians of the Galaxy," stated Mr. David to his shell shocked friend who mentally started checking out when he called him ranting about the best T.I.F.O idea ever. "Like groot, but in laurels. Like, laurels are where it is at. But yeah, like groot in laurels like in Crew colors, but the new kit colors, in the laurels and it says, 'i am groot' but something better. You can come up with that."

Reportedly, Mr. David's friend Delonte Hastings already knew the call was going to be shit by the level of excitement that Mr David had when he asked if the Crew supporters had painted anything new.

"I'm just the idea man," stated Mr. David to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I pitch the ideas and I expect Delonte to do all the leg work, like the photoshop stuff and the painting and the buying of the fabric and the tracing and really all the actual work."

The Nutmeg News will have nothing further on this as Mr. Hastings has no intention of painting anything of the sort.

Professional Referee Organization Stripped Of Professional Status

NEW YORK - The federations of the United States and Canada, today, stripped PRO, the formerly titled Professional Referee Organization, of their professional status after another weekend of costly blunders and silly mistakes.

The new logo! Isn't it a peach?!

"No longer can we allow these referees to be called professional," stated the President of the U.S. Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "This has been a decision long coming as we have looked at the performances of referees in all of our professional leagues over the past few years."

President of the Canadian Soccer Association, Victor Montagliani, had the following to say regarding the situation, "The Canadian Soccer Association does this with no glee or satisfaction, and we apologize to all of our fans for the trauma they had to suffer over the past few years. We stripped PRO of their professional status on Sunday evening after the Red Bull - Orlando City game and we plan on ensuring that they meet a stringent requirement going forward to be re-certified as a professional organization and professional referees"

Inside sources to the decision told The Nutmeg News that PRO will be stripped of their professional status and turned into ARO, the Amateur Referee Organization. The referees under the ARO badge will be required to work youth football initiatives and charity tournaments until their mistakes are corrected. Referees will have the opportunity to work their way up to being able to officiate NCAA games before they are considered for reinstatement to professional standards. As well, all payments to referees will be suspended to ensure that the issues with recent games will not be rewarded.

"It is important to us to remove the financial incentive of just showing up for games," stated President of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot. "With PRO stripped of their professional status we can no longer employee them or pay them for our games featuring professional players. It is important that the referees care and truly attempt to fix their issues before they become a professional again. We refuse to reward a level that is below feckless mediocrity anymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Baldomero Toledo calls a red card in the Greece United FC 25th Annual Soccer Tournament and is suspended from that tournament as well. 

Blogger Admits, "I Just Randomly Assigned 19 Through 27 In My USL Power Rankings"

Tulsa, OK - Soccer Blogger Wanda Deloitte admitted, "I just randomly assigned 19 through 27 in my USL Power Ranking Column this week," to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

Who ARE all these teams? Seriously!

Reportedly Mrs Deloitte's problems started when she was unable to watch all 22 hours of the USL from the past week.

"There's 29 teams. That means that at any one time there maybe 22 hours of games (give or take stoppage time). I'm supposed to write a USL Power Rankings column but no one has time for that. I've got a life to live, I'm not going to spend 22 hours watching all the games. I'm not even sure what you could take from that amount of time. It's insane," stated Mrs Deloitte. 

Sources indicate that the rankings between 19 and 27 in the 2016 Power Rankings were settled by rolling an 11 sided die, role playing teams as individual friends in Rust and seeing who survives the longest and simply just flipping a coin.

"I'm planning on bumping a few teams up some ranks and then downgrading the others, next week," stated Mrs Deloitte. "I'll be doing this without actually watching any of the games, but I've found that fans of those teams will usually get really upset about the randomness and that will drive clicks. It's a pretty fool proof system."

The Nutmeg News will have more when Mrs Deloitte uses the same methodology of changing the ranking of the team whose fans complain the loudest that week, just to ensure they will check in again.

Boston Breakers Fan Excited To Not Be Bottom Of The Table

BOSTON - Breakers fan Natalie Anders has annouced that she is actually quite excited to not be bottom of the NWSL table (by virtue of goal difference) after one game despite having lost their first game of the season.

"WE AREN'T LAST! WE AREN'T LAST! WE AREN'T LAST! WE AREN'T LAST! WE AREN'T LAST! WE AREN'T LAST! WE AREN'T LAST! WE AREN'T LAST!"

"Last season was just a death march to the end of the season, so the fact that, even though we lost, we aren't bottom of the table already is really a huge win for me," stated Ms Anders to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

The Boston Breakers finished 2015 dead last in nearly every every statistical category including having the worst goal difference by 11 goals and scoring the fewest goals in the league tied with Sky Blue. This upgrade from 2015 to 2016 where the Breakers have only given up one goal in one game is a pretty positive start according to Ms. Anders.

"I'm over the moon. OVER the moon. Granted we finished with a loss in our only game of the season so far but we only gave up one goal! That is progress! It's a hell of a time to be alive as a Breakers fan and I'm planning on living it up."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Anders low standards lead to her enjoying the 2016 season.

Office Environment Smolders As Baseball And Soccer Fan Unite

Salt Lake City, UT - Office buddies Tomas Smith and Harry Thorgood have admitted to a smoldering friendship as both have started to learn about each others sports in order to have someone with which to talk.

"Are we talking Chris Wingert? Because I can talk Chris Wingert"

"Well, he's a Minnesota Twins fan and I'm a Real Salt Lake fan and we just decided to learn about each others sports, teams and league so that we could actually have a conversation that didn't revolve around football or basketball," stated Mr Smith to The Nutmeg News on Friday. 

Reportedly, both employees are used to suffering through at least 30 minutes of Jazz, Ute, BYU, or NFL sports recaps at work while attempting to feign a modicum of interest.

"I noticed that Tom would just start glassing over in his eyes so I figured he wasn't a college football or hoops fan," stated Mr. Thorgood. "When I found out that he was interested in soccer, I decided to broker the idea of a pact so that we could both have someone to talk with. I would learn about Real Salt Lake and he would learn about the Twins. It's been great to have someone to talk with at work."

Mr. Smith reported that the two had a brisk 20 minute conversation about the future of Jeff Cassar and the batting prowess of Joe Mauer.

"It was nice to actually be able to have a conversation that didn't revolve around Quin Snyder and whether he is actually going to succeed," stated both friends to The Nutmeg News.

"Honestly, neither of us actually even care if we are compatible in any other way than being able to have a conversation," stated Mr. Smith "I don't even know if Harry has a wife.... you got a wife, Harry? A husband? Kids? House?  I don't really even give a hoot, honestly. Don't even tell me. Let's just continue to have conversations about the designated hitter and adding instant replay to matches in MLS."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both men instant message each other about the upcoming Galaxy and Nationals game as they stare at their screens and wonder when the appropriate time is to update ones resume and whether this is the life they wanted for themselves and where was that thought about becoming an international explorer, it's all but gone and now they are both in their 30s and travelling seems too expensive given the state of airfare recently, but hey have you been to Ogden recently? They are getting some nice places to go up there and the music festival was a blast last year.

ESPN Hires Reddit User To Dissect Articles For New Hot Take Show

Bristol, CT - ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports entertainment, has announced that they hired reddit user PM_ME_SHARPIES_IN_POOPER to co-anchor a new hot take soccer show after reading his scathing point by point take-downs of articles in the r/mls subreddit.

"After Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless, we knew that we needed another moronic talking head!"

"This kind of bold, unfettered, relentless hot take and anger is what we are looking to have on ESPN for our soccer community," stated Vice President of Content Strategy and Acquisitions John Lasker. "When we think of a hot take show with intelligent commentary that rips apart fan and journalist articles with righteous indignation and zero regard for fact or nuance we always think, first, of Reddit."

According to Mr. Lasker, the thing that ESPN valued the most about PM_ME_SHARPIES_IN_POOPER was his ability to resoundingly rant about both the columns posted to the website and his fellow users of the subreddit, as none were spared his righteous indignation.

"We really appreciated his ability to stand his ground, even when wrong," stated Lasker to The Nutmeg News. "We also appreciate his ability to take what was written, separate the items he disagreed with individually in bullet point to remove any kind of context and then bash each one individually in a cobbled together paragraph so long that you forgot what the issue was in the first place."

ESPN have stated that this kind of rakish prose is believed to be the new wave of the future for their on-air programming and that everyone can finally acknowledge that an anonymous stranger pounding keyboards somewhere is the future of sports opinion.

The Nutmeg News reached out to PM_ME_SHARPIES_IN_POOPER however the user would not speak with our reporter unless we apologized for 86 different bullet point items and shut down this news organization in shame while acknowledging that he was right and everyone else in the world is wrong.

Major League Soccer Suspends Major League Soccer for Banning Disciplinary Committee That Banned Ben Olsen

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced a suspension of itself for banning members of the Disciplinary committee that banned D.C. United manager Ben Olsen for entering the field of play.

THAT'S A BANNING!

Insiders at the league front office stated that Major League Soccer was upset at how it handled the handling of the disciplinary committee handling the banning of Olsen and that it would institute a review of the process that lead to the formation of the process that lead to the banning in the first place.

"We cannot support ourselves supporting the committee that supports unilateral action against our head coaches and players," stated director of the review of the review of Major League Soccer's review board, David Stern. "We must be able to critically look at ourselves, looking critically at the board that looks critically at others."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer has given itself and the disciplinary committee red cards while also un-suspending Olsen and then giving him another red card for the suspension non-suspension in the first place.

"We must take a stand against taking a stand against others taking a stand against our head coaches," stated Mr Stern. "This stand, must stand against all other stands. We voluntarily ban ourselves."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the suspension for the ban suspending the suspension of Olsen will be suspended.

"Major League Soccer to Be Top Terrorist Target By 2022," Insists Don Garber

NEW YORK - Commissioner Don Garber announced, on Wednesday, that he expected Major League Soccer to be a top terrorist target by 2022 stating, "our expansion, our life, our way of soccer will attract those that want to commit heinous acts. Look, no one is going to bomb a hand-ball game."

"Now THIS makes me feel like we are one of the biggest leagues in the world!"

According to inside sources, Major League Soccer feels that their closed salary system, burgeoning fan base, and rapid expansion throughout most of North America will attract those that wish to snuff out the nascent league as a message to an government or society.

“Most people don’t think of our country as a soccer nation,” Garber said. “Our goal was to make America a soccer nation, to get people to grow up and want to be fans of their local MLS team, support their national team, and here we are averaging almost 22,000 fans a game.

“We’ve had tons of sell-outs and 15 soccer stadiums are being built. We are a league on the rise and that speaks of how great our country is and how supportive it is of the sport. What this means is that we are a larger profile league now and one that will attract credible terrorist threats against it. If our expansion plans go right, we will be looking at major security issues in six years by fundamentalists of some kind. We hope to surpass Major League Baseball in terms of credible terrorist threats against stadiums."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer realized that it was better to get out in front of any possible security issues by cracking down as early and as often as it cans. Internal sources say that Major League Soccer feels under siege from its own fan-base and has the understanding that even the collected fans could also be responsible for unspeakable acts of violence.

The Nutmeg News will have more on security theater as it is implemented without regard for anything.

Major League Soccer Announces Mandatory Prostate Exam For All Adult Male Fans

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced a new program intent upon spearheading the health and safety of all its male fans by requiring a mandatory prostate exam before entering the stadium for any upcoming Major League Soccer game.

"FOR YOUR HEALTH!"

"We with Major League Soccer are concerned both about the health and well-being of our male fans as well as the issues that have come from our collected fan-bases sneaking contraband into the stadium up their butts. In an effort to stop both of these, we will be requiring all adult male fans to voluntarily submit themselves for a digital prostate exam so that we can ensure that they are healthy, non-enlarged, non-cancerous and not smuggling in terrorists, C-4, Sharia Law or whiskey," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot.

While the new security procedure may seem like overkill, Commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber stated that nothing could be further from the truth.

"In reality, this is a simple procedure," stated Garber to a collection of journalists gathered at the International House Of Pancakes. "We will have our adult male fans escorted a few feet to a moderately well lit area with some kind of simple, mobile privacy curtain in place. There, they will be required to lower their pants, grab a table and prepare to be digitally probed, rectally, by a moderately trained college drop out that couldn't get employed by TSA. We will have a number of different people to check every one of our male fans and we will provide both male and female agents as an option. We do not expect this new security and health procedure that we have implemented to protect our fans to severely impact our stadium line. However, this procedure will be mandatory and you will not be allowed into the stadium if you refuse."

The Nutmeg News can confirm that fans will be able to buy Major League Soccer branded lubrication for future trips to see a game, however the bottle of MLS Lubrication cannot be brought into the stadium either so it will only be able to be used one time.

Man Takes Time Out Of Busy Schedule To Harass Female Commentator

Glendale, CA - "YOU ARE SUCH A DUMB BITCH, and you should know it," tweeted Geoff Richards towards Fox soccer commentator Julie Lapinski, who was busy hosting a pre-game show for the UEFA Champions League.

"I'm finishing every tweet with a, 'Wanna bang? Look me up' on the half chance she will say yes."

Reportedly, the verbal abuse first started online by Mr. Richards during 2010 while embroiled in the divorce proceedings to his then-wife Heather as he, "felt his masculinity slipping away from him" by (as quoted verbatim to our reporter), "feminists taking away my male vitality by writing pro-sex articles in Cosmopolitan."

"I have things to do!" stated Mr Richards to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. "I've got to ensure that the wood I'm using to replace the deck in the backyard shows up on time, I've got three separate work related events that I have to attend in the evening, I want to re-watch the Champions League game between Barcelona and Atletico Madrid, I need to ensure that my quarterly finances are in order so that I can continue saving for that boat; but most importantly I need to verbally harass and abuse Julie Lapinski by making certain that she cries every single morning about how awful a woman is in her industry. I must reassert my masculinity by bullying women to show that I am powerful."

While it is unclear how Mr. Richards thinks that tweeting horrific abuse at a commentator will do anything to help with his own diminishing ego, lowering testosterone, thinning hair and tenuous belief in his fragile masculinity, he forges ahead without being deterred in his unfettered abuse.

 "How you got a job, no one will ever know. You don't know Lionel Messi from Gabriel Batistuta. You are a dumb woman that no one wants to listen to and is ridiculous and just shows how stupid you are, even if you are a total slut," Mr. Richards angrily commented to Ms. Lapinski's profile page on Facebook as he received an email about a human resources meeting that was set to speak with him about him asking the new receptionist to give him a back massage and calling her sexy during a conference call.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Richards sets up a specific schedule to ensure that he carves out time in his week while at lunch to verbally harass and abuse Ms. Lapinski to avoid, "the human resources pussies watching my every move."

US Soccer Guarantees World Cup Starting Spot For Any Child Whose Parent Donates $5,000,000

CHICAGO - US Soccer announced that they would guarantee a FIFA World Cup starting 11 spot for the child of any parent willing to donate 5 million dollars in unmarked, small bills.

Honestly, Leonard.... this photoshop...... are you even trying anymore?

"We have decided to take pay-to-play to the ultimate format by guaranteeing a starting position on our 2022 world cup squad to any child who has parents with enough money to just randomly sink it into our federation," stated president of the US Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati.

"This is really just an extension of our TOTALLY not-pay-for-play donation system where we require a mandatory donation of $5,000 for your child to attend one of our free clinics. What we realized was that we could also guarantee a starting 11 spot if you donate enough money to the federation. The first child in the world cup is 5 million, the second child will be 10 million. In no short amount of time we are going to be FLUSH with cash. And then, it will be our responsibility to trickle down the financial wealth by stashing all of this cash in an unmarked account in the Philippines."

Reportedly, the US Soccer Federation had this brilliant idea when they realized that soccer parents are utterly desperate for their child to have any kind of advantage to succeed so that they can live out their failed dreams through their moderately interested 12 year old.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it comes out that US Soccer requires $5,250,000 to put a young woman on a world cup squad because, "women cost more money."

Woman Already, "Exhausted With This Shit" After Six Months In Supporters Group

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan Kim Albor admitted that she is, "exhausted with this shit" after six months in a soccer supporters group.

DON'T DO IT, KIM....

DON'T.... DO.... IT!

"The complaining, the arguing, the relentless mood swings between games... I just don't know if I can keep this up," stated Ms. Albor to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I've noticed that I'm now reacting in line with all the rest of the people I know from the games and talking about Ali Curtis and 300 page plans and 2015 even though I just started following the team. I'm finding out that I shouldn't follow SOME people on twitter even though I really don't know why, and that I should follow others for some also unexplained reason and that I need to have an opinion about everything. My god, I thought I was just here to support a soccer team!"

Reportedly, Ms. Albor joined with the best intentions of being around a group of like minded rabble rousers that seem to enjoy the game, but she now questions whether or not she can manage an entire season after just seven games.

"Look, I'm was ecstatic when we won, I'm hating nearly every player, the ownership, and Marsch when we lose. And we are losing a lot, so far. This is just six games of losses. I'm afraid of what's going to happen if this continues. Am I going to be crowd funding a plane flying a banner calling for the organization to leave or painting protest tifo in six months?  I don't even know what happened to me. I went from causal fan to creating an account on Metro Fanatic. If that doesn't show the depths to which I'm sinking, I don't know what does. I now have an opinion on the management and involvement of Red Bull, which I have already gotten into an argument with a long time fan about; and I went from talking about casual Ethopian food in Brooklyn on my twitter account to re-tweeting statistical analysis of Dax McCarty's prowess in the midfield. Shit... has gotten very real."

Reportedly, Ms. Albor's free time has been co-opted by attending games and her friend Lucy Stanford has stated that, "She just doesn't want to hang out anymore. She keeps inviting me out to Red Bull Arena. I'm concerned that if this happens, I'm going to end up just like her."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Stanford attends an upcoming Red Bull win with Ms. Albor and becomes completely obsessed 12 hours later.

Man Still Convinced He Is Going To Make Money Via Soccer Podcasting And Blogging

Newark, NJ - Podcaster, blogger and all around soccer super fan Rich Breston has admitted that he somehow still retains hope that he is going to make money via soccer podcasting and blogging.

I just need more time, really some more time. In between my job, my attending a soccer game on the weekend, watching 5 MLS games and 5 USL games and 5 NASL games and trying to find the time to write a preview on the NWSL season, covering the USMNT and staying up to date with the USWNT and trying to find out what is going on in the NPSL. I GOT THIS. I GOT... THIS.

"It could still happen," stated Mr Breston to his friends on Monday afternoon. "I mean, despite there being absolutely no money in soccer blogging and podcasting with newspapers and magazines slowly being shuttered around the world that won't pay for my content anyway, and there actually not being a big enough audience for my podcasts to generate any kind of livable revenue, I still believe that somehow I'm going to actually make a living off this stuff."

Reportedly, Mr. Breston was continuously able to keep up the belief that he was actually going to make a career from the countless hours that he put into the soccer community while simultaneously sinking all of his own funds into the enterprise to keep everything afloat.

"I've achieved nearly everything I wanted from my career. I have over 5,000 followers on twitter. I've been published internationally in the Guardian, the Telegraph and FourFourTwo. I've talked with players, owners, league commissioners, and international superstars that people in England can't even get for one-on-one interviews. My blog has gotten over a million hits in its lifetime and people recognize me when I go to certain stadiums. The only thing that hasn't happened is actually making a livable wage. I mean, despite dedicating the last 15 years of my life to this grind, I actually am still doing all of this as my second job while I process new hires as a human resources assistant. I still believe, though. I mean, somehow... some way... Maybe..... I'm going to figure out... ah... never mind, I'm shutting everything down."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people on twitter miss Mr Breston's podcast and blog, but not enough to actually to pay him to keep the podcast alive.

Cincinnati Added To Random Namedrop List For MLS Expansion

NEW YORK - Don Garber reportedly added the city name Cincinnati to his list of random name-drops for MLS expansion after FC Cincinnati had over 20,000 fans at their recent game.

The Enquirer/Cara Owsley

I bet THESE people have some money.... to spend... on alcohol rehabilitation courses.... after they get banned for letting off smoke"

"I started working them into the list somewhere around Austin," stated Garber to the Major League Soccer board of directors on Monday morning. "We need to add to the long list of expansion if we are going to get to 55 teams by 2030."

Reportedly, adding Cincinnati to the list will raise the hopes of the franchise that just started playing this season leading the ownership group to attempt to find more money for the MLS expansion fee, while giving false hope to the fans there that they might have a chance when most of the expansion spots will be going to larger cities without an actual fanbase due to their ownership groups having more money and their city being considered cosmopolitan.

"It's good to have other cities names out there other than Sacramento. I think they are getting tired of being jerked around for these last few years," stated Garber. "Hopefully this Cincinnati thing will start a new trend. Perhaps we can get a pro-soccer in St Louis, or Des Moines, or Butte, or Indianapolis.... somewhere that there isn't a team already."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cincinnati is rumored for MLS expansion by a very bored journalist.