US Soccer Releases New Kits Designed For Homophobic Bigots

CHICAGO - The US Soccer federation, today, released new kits for the month of June designed for the cadre of homophobic bigots that infest Facebook at nearly every level.

"There was a major blowback to the Pride numbers we released, so we realized we were missing a market," stated Cynthia Warren, secretary of the US Soccer Federation. "Clearly some of our fans are homophobic bigots who are so hypersensitive about their own masculinity and beliefs that they feel the need to hate everyone that isn't like them and everything that isn't specifically catered to them. We looked through history for the dress of people who felt the need to persecute others because they were different and settled on a plain white robe adorned with a crest and a hood.. In this way, this Alt-US Soccer Uniform will identify the people who feel the need to make homophobic Facebook comments."

Men's Rights activist and perpetually single dickhead Jim Billy Randall stated that he was all for a, "STRAIGHT US SOCCER UNIFORM FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE," as he railed against the inclusive pride numbers stating, "US Soccer tried to push the gay agenda on me. I reject this. I attend multiple gay nightclubs per month to document their lifestyle, and know for a fact that this gay-uniform-thing is just another way to get me to dance on the dancefloor to the thrumming beats of house music again. NOT EVEN ONCE, again. Finally I'll have something I can wear to these clubs that shows that I am a straight man for straight people."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jim Billy Randall attends drag night just to verify that the makeup and padding is being done in a way that he feels is correct.

NY Cosmos Fan Outreach Program Stimulates Connection By Threatening Fans Personally

NEW YORK - Operation Crybaby, the New York Cosmos fan outreach program, is reportedly considered a resounding success by the front office as it reached the goal of stimulating fan connections with the Cosmos by threatening the fans personally via ownership and management of the team.

"We will bring the hate to you!"

"We looked at threatening and intimidating fans by impersonal manners like contracting with India or call centers in Pakistan," stated Affiliate Club Manager (and man willing to call you because he doesn't like your podcast), Joe Barone. "However, we didn't think this would be the Cosmos way and wouldn't reflect our values. No, the Cosmos are here to insult and threaten our fans directly. In this way we ensure that our core group of fans know, without a shadow of a doubt, how much contempt we have for the fans and their feelings on matters of the ownership/team."

Reportedly, owner Rocco Commisso is thrilled with the outreach program stating, "This will not only keep people from criticizing us; but, rather, this new program will allow The Cosmos to holistically criticize and harangue our own dwindling fanbase with vertical integration. If you aren't happy that the Affiliate Club Manager will call you to tell you that you are a shit fan, then we can run this all the way up the chain. I'm more than willing to take time out of our busy schedule of playing games that don't matter to yell at our fanbase from 6,503 miles away at three o'clock in the morning."

Insider sources with the Cosmos indicate that Commisso has been working on a collection of zingers to punctuate his dissatisfaction with the fans and their podcasts including usage of the words pinhead, wingnut, you kids, and hooligans.

"We won't rest until we run off every podcast, website and fan critical of our product and branding," stated Barone. "I'm not above suing every fan out there. EVERY. FAN. THEY ALL MUST PAY. (seriously, we need the money.)"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Barone angrily calls fans to blame them for not supporting hard enough during the Cosmos disastrous US Open Cup loss against Reading.

Galaxy Fans Who Defaced LAFC Mural To Be Banned After League Uses Story, Pictures, And Names For Publicity

LOS ANGELES - After reaching out to the Galaxy spray can crew that painted over an LAFC mural, Major League Soccer (MLS) confirmed that they would be profiled and interviewed for an upcoming piece on the passionately throbbing Los Angeles rivalry before being banned for the next four years.

Someone with MLS is rubbing their hands together in glee as they sagaciously stroke their temples in mock outrage.

"We cannot allow these kinds of rivalry shenanigans to go on without cashing in on it wholesale for publicity purposes. However, that also means that as we raise the level of public awareness of this happening that we must also severely punish those involved to send a message that doing these kinds of illegal acts will get you an interview, profile and a banning from our stadiums," stated some English guy, director MLS Security.

Reportedly, the league sent an army of reporters and social media experts to interview the artists who painted the original mural at the request of the club as well as the graffiti hooligans who painted over the original mural for their upcoming "2 Months Of Hate" documentary on the upcoming rivalry.

"We know what it means to us, but what does it mean FOR us," stated documentary film maker and 1,458,323th LAFC shareholder Victoria Brooks. "We hope to find that out as we present our new film, 2 Months Of Hate... brought to you by Smirnoff Hooligan, when you want to fight... Smirnoff."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

NPSL Team Sells Out 3 Games In A Row After Artificially Capping The Number Of Available Tickets To One

Franklin, IA - The Lee County Sommeliers, today, announced their third consecutive sell out after artificially capping the number of tickets available to one.

"An immense crowd here tonight as the fan pours into the grounds ahead of the matchup."

Photo by: Don Harder

"We realized that the issue isn't a lack of interest, but rather that 99% of our ticket sales go unused," stated Sommelier general manager Dick Canard. "When we removed the impediment towards selling out our full allotment of tickets, namely the full allotment of tickets, we began to sell out our grounds instantaneously. "

The Sommeliers play on Quick Cash Enterprises Field at Christian Herschler Winery park to a raucous supporters group of 1 who celebrate by a ceremonial pulling of the cork for every goal. The Midwest Wine Country Firm secretary and president, Carl Engall, stated that he is excited for the upcoming 4th consecutive game of the stands being filled to the capacity of one.

"Now that we are selling out the stadium every game, I expect to see more people coming on board to help carry on my traditions, because as soon as my car is fixed I'm heading out to Burlington to get out of here," stated Engall.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Sommeliers send out a season ticket survey about adding additional season tickets to their one season ticket holder.

End Of Premier League Season Requires Man To Find New 7:30 AM Sport To Justify Drinking

Boston, MA - Manchester United fan Jamal Henderson admitted that the end of the premier league season requires him to find a new 7:30 in the morning television broadcast sport in order to continue drinking before 8:00 am.

Put your hands up if you are drinking before 10:00 am!

"When all the games you watch are away games, it becomes very easy to reconcile cracking a tall cold one at 6:30 or 7:00 am with your breakfast on Saturday," stated Henderson to The Nutmeg News. "I realized that now that the Premier League is over that I don't have that built in excuse. A man drinking at 7:00 am with soccer is just delightful rogue enjoying life, but a guy out drinking at 7:00 am just to drink is an alcoholic."

Henderson acknowledged that his children usually wake up around 9:00am so it is imperative that he find something that allows him to drink responsibly before they wake up.

"I want to be at least a couple beers into my day in order to handle being around them. When my wife finally rolls out of bed hungover around 10:30, I want to have a minimum of three. There's no way I'm going to be able to drink to 6:45 am reruns of Bob Ross. I need some kind of sport, any kind of sport."

According to inside sources, Henderson looked up whether Quidditch UK streams their games before turning to youtube live to see if there was anyone playing an obscure sport that would make him feel like picking up a case of Dogfish Head for Saturday mornings.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson debates just re-playing previous season games in an attempt at keeping the feeling alive.

ATTENDANCE LIES: English Premier League Will Never Be Respected League Until They Accurately Count Attendance

ENGERLAND -The provincial soccer conglomerate otherwise known as the so called, "Premier League," showed another in a long line of deceptions, today, as Arsenal of London took on some other club from a city to such a small smattering of people that you could, "LITERALLY HAND COUNT FROM A PHOTO!! WHY DO YOU LIE, ENGLAND?"

59,510? LIES! I see One... Two... Three... Four... Five... LIARS!

We spoke to crowd analyst and unemployed Piggly Wiggly grocery bagger Roger Slow about the situation and he had the following to say, in all caps.

"THE PREMIER LEAGUE LIES. THEY INFLATE THEIR ATTENDANCE TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL SUPERIOR. THE EPL ATTENDANCE LIES MUST STOP."

Other fans in North America were as apoplectic about the situation as Mr. Slow as conspiracy theorist and all-around weird guy Jacob "Swizzle" Bordens stated, "The lies must come from the top down. That is to say that Sunil Gulati and Don Garber contacted the Queen who contacted Theresa May and told the England FA to count by tickets distributed in order to distract from SUM embezzling money via youth academies set up to stop promotion/relegation which caused the floods in North Carolina. So as you can see, it's all the fault of Major League Soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the lies continue from England in an obvious attempt to bolster their faux-standing in a country obsessed by Rugby.

The Biggest Game In World Soccer, The Lutefisk Derby, Approaches As Fans Prepare For Clash Of The Titans

The biggest game in World Soccer, otherwise known as the Lutefisk Derby between Duluth FC and Minneapolis City,, approaches this weekend as the nascent rivalry brings up old wounds and a gag reflex that will not die.

Don't you just want some?

The Lutefisk Derby originated back in the olden days of the conquest of Vinland by Leif Eriksson in 1001 AD when merchant seamen for the Vikings traveled from Vinland to Duluth and then to Minneapolis to heckle Kirby Puckett and the Minnesota Twins. While Duluth named a park for Leif Eriksson, Minneapolis (not to be outdone) created the Leif Eriksson International Festival. 

The bet was then  determined that the winner would be declared based upon the aggregate scoreline over the course of games played against each other with the motto:

Winner Treats

Loser Eats.

Sources for Minneapolis City indicate that the front office, "Has never heard of this before and thinks the whole thing is just made up from thin air by some rabble rousing bunch of idiots with a website who probably aren't soccer fans any way," but their words appear to just provide bulletin board material for Duluth FC.

"We didn't cross all the way down the great plains of I-35 to be served gelatinous cod," stated the son of the brother of the director of the friend of the owner of Duluth FC.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the loser of the #LutefiskDerby makes all of us the winner, by Periscoping their shame consumption of the defeat Lutefisk specially purchased by the victor.

Big Soccer Posts From 2000 Trouble Man As He Attempts To Move On With Career

Columbus, OH - Crew fan Karl Thorton is reportedly bothered by thousands of posts that he made between 1999 and 2002 under his own name on the sometime vitriolic soccer forum Big Soccer as he, now, attempts to move on in his career.

Oh god... the memories.....

"I didn't think, at the time, that nearly 20 years later they would become easily searchable and available for consumption," stated Thorton to The Nutmeg News. "I'm definitely not going to be able to run for office, but I'd like to just get a job of as an IT Professional without my future boss being able to view my incendiary posts about Columbus soccer and the Chicago Fire."

Thorton created the "KTHORTON" account on Big Soccer during his late teens as he began to follow the Columbus Crew after graduating from Beechcroft High School and enrolling in Columbus State Community College. 

"I'm seriously regretting my post titles like, 'CHICAGO IS A SHITHOLE, BURN IT TO THE GROUND,' and, 'WEED, WHO LOVES IT,' now. As well, I do regret impugning the dignity of Leeds United fans back in 2000 on that megathread. Sorry, everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thorton quickly scans over his old posts to determine that his political career is over before it even began.

Successful Chattahooligan Trip To New Orleans Ends With Only Four Lost Supporters

New Orleans, LA - A successful trip to New Orleans by Chattanooga FC resulted in only four lost supporters by the Chattahooligans as CFC drew the New Orleans Jesters 1-1.

The last time we saw Samantha she was dancing down the street behind the band with a drink in her hand.

"Normally we would be extremely concerned to come back without everyone, but this is New Orleans..... what are you gonna do," stated Chattahooligan member Jerry Sanders to The Nutmeg News.

The Chattahooligans lost fans David Rigby, Samatha Davis, Jerome Nophsker, and William Bejarano at different locations around the New Orleans area, pre-game

"The last time I saw Dave and Sam, they both wandered into a second line and disappeared," stated Sanders. "The last time I saw Jerome was at The House Of Blues on Friday night, and the last time I saw Bill, well..... I can't remember that too clearly, but I believe it was around Kermit's Treme Mother. Nobody is too certain what happened to him because we were all looking for more Jameson."

Sanders stated that only losing four people gave him hope that in future visits, they could shrink this number down to one or two.

"It impacted us during the game, but we made up for this with vigorous drumming and more emphatic hand movements."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chattahooligans visit Graceland.

MLS To Slash Salary Budget In Order To Attract More Television Viewers

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced that the league would be slashing the allowed salary budget of each team in the league in order to connect the individual players more closely with their fan-base and attract more television viewers.

More Money - More Problems

from http://www.sportsbusinessdaily.com/Journal/Issues/2014/05/12/Media/MLS-TV.aspx

"We feel that the players within the league are too out of touch with the local blue-collar, working class fanbases," stated Commissioner Don Garber. "As such, we are going to severely restrict the salary budget of each team, and cut down on the perks available to teams to force the players on a team to reconnect with the local populace. We need more Dan Gargan and less Sebastian Giovinco in this league. We need players that fans know experience their same financial turmoil they experience. People don't watch soccer for great play, they watch because they want to know that the player out there is making $55,000 a year."

Reportedly, the league spent a 10 year process of analyzing various ways to increase the television ratings for Major League Soccer. Data analysts for the league indicate that there were a number of suggestions put forth to the league for consideration.

"The overall majority of analysts stated that the best way for the league to increase television viewership was to increase the quality of the product on the field, but the league didn't want to spend more money on better players," stated Soccer analyst Glenn Fate. "So instead, we just cobbled something together about how out of touch soccer players are with the people in their area and the idea of being able to lower costs really struck a chord with ownership. They were really excited, though, about the suggestions from our team for behind the scenes camera shots, jock jams usage in stadium, patriotic flyovers, and more t-shirt cannons. I don't know why they think that is going to increase television ratings, but we can always use more t-shirt cannons."

Sources within the league indicate that the number one priority for Major League Soccer was figuring out a way to increase the ratings by literally any method other than increasing how much money the teams have to pay players.

"If the league increased the salary budget, the Revs would be even further left behind, and the league doesn't want that," stated one anonymous source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS spends too much of their time and money trying to implement the wrong fix for the ratings dilemma.

MLS Miami Sues Minnesota Soccer Fans For Rights To, "The Team That Nobody Wanted"

Miami, FL - David Beckham and MLS Miami have reportedly launched a lawsuit against Minnesota United and Minnesota soccer fans for the trademark and rights to, "The Team That Nobody Wanted."

(Pioneer Press: John Autey)

"We are the team that nobody wants," stated Beckham to The Nutmeg News. "There is no better exampled of this than Miami MLS. We don't have a stadium, we don't have a fanbase, we don't have any players, we don't have any land; and we are slowly trying to do all these things without pissing away the last percentage of good will left towards our bid in the community.If being the team that nobody wants is what got Minnesota United into Major League Soccer, then we have a great chance!"

According to a one person survey of the area, Miami residents are wary of another team coming in when they already have a packed afternoon of going to the beach, sitting outside, and ignoring the current Miami NASL team.

"The who?" asked Loretta Young of The Palace At Coral Gables. "We getting another one of them footy kick things?

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS Miami forges ahead straight into the ever moving goalposts of MLS expansion.

You Won't Believe The Truth Big Soccer Isn't Telling You

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from a Mr. Randall Watson of Perry, IA. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Watson do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

You won't believe the truth "big soccer" isn't telling you, people...

I'm going to tell you this in as easy a way as possible.

THE BALL IS FLAT.

THE DISC.

That's right. The object you think is a sphere or a globe? It's flat. It's been flat, it is flat, it's always been flat. You think the ball is round? Well, have you ever seen the other side? No. You can't see the other side because the ball is flat. The horizon is real, people, WAKE UP.

Here at the Flat Ball Institute (FBI) we have a bevy of scientists working on debunking the myth that the ball is a spheroid. True ball scientists at FBI call the shape a disc, to reference the fact that the object itself is flat.

Argentina v England Hand of God goal? The disc caught a breeze.

Torsten Frings World Cup hand ball? The disc flew into him like a frisbee.

These are all examples of your senses telling you that we do not watch a spherical playing ball sport.

The evidence for a flat disc is derived from many different facets of science and philosophy. This is not a religious movement, rather this is a zeal for exploring science in a natural state. The simplest method for proving Flat Ball Theory is by relying on ones own senses to discern the true nature of the world around us. The field is flat. The Red and Yellow cards are flat. The TV screen is flat. The sole of a soccer cleat is flat. Why would a soccer player have a flat cleat and a flat foot if the ball is round? They wouldn't. They would have a round foot and a round cleat to kick a round ball, and yet they don't. All of this is clearly pointing towards a disc shaped ball.

Big Soccer and the international Illuminati embedded at FIFA want you to believe that the ovoid shape of the "ball" came from rugby, but the truth is it that the shape of the disc came from disc golf and Ultimate Frisbee. FIFA can't sell the working class on that heritage. You cant sell the coal miners in England on a kid named Aiden with a pukka shell necklace and a community college minor in physical education who invented the worlds game while on a break from social studies to go slackline the American west.

"You can go to the game and look at the ball yourself," my detractors would say. However scientists with the naturapath division of FBI have evidence that photographers and cameramen use fisheye lenses to distort your field of vision. Everyone knows that photographs can't be trusted.

If you think I'm going to fall into an "appeal to authority" fallacy by just believing MLS players that have a stake in the game to keep it a secret, you don't know anything about logic. Check. mate.

In closing, keep your eyes open and watch the disc. You know it is true. It's as flat as this page, or your hand, or the phone on which you are reading this.

Thank you and good night,

FBI Director Randall Watson

PO Box 88324 Perry, IA - 50220

Bored With MLS, Schweinsteiger Turns To Baseball

CHICAGO - Bored with Major League Soccer, Fire midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger signed a contract with the Chicago Cubs, this week, as a utility shortstop.

Let us play some of ze catch, ja?!

"I was mentally exhausted with the repetitious nature of practice and playing," stated Schweinsteiger to The Nutmeg News. "I needed something more than Major League Soccer could provide so one of my teammates told me to go, 'Bo Jackson on all their asses,' and I guess joining the Cubs is just that."

Reportedly, Schweinsteiger is a two tool shortstop excelling in speed and fielding ability. He gained positive reviews from his new teammates and coaches with manager Joe Maddon saying, "It's nice to finally have some international players from Germany in the squad. We hope that the Cubs can finally challenge for a World Cup title with Bastian on board."

Sources close to Schweinsteiger state that the midfielder is, as well, considering signing up with the Chicago Bears to play both kicker and outside linebacker. 

"He wants to be a complete player and there's nothing more complete than making it onto a lucrative NFL sponsorship deal," stated one anonymous friend.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Schweinsteiger starts his strict weight gain program to get in shape for Baseball.

Atlanta United Ceases Operation After Two Straight Losses

Atlanta, GA - Citing the recent two game losing streak, Atlanta United owner Arthur Blank pulled the plug on the nascent franchise stating, "well, that fad is over."

We are all done here.

During the former MLS club's heyday, they started off a respectable 3-2-2, but two straight losses dropped the team down the table and they currently sit out of the playoffs, if the playoffs started in May.

"We had a good run," stated Vice-President Ann Rodriguez. "No one would say that we didn't have success at 3-2-2, but we must be realistic and realize that two straight losses will spell the doom of our franchise. We want to thank all the fans who came out to support us, and all the players for giving the season their maximum effort, at least for the first 7 games."

Sources from within Terminus Legion stated that members were grumbling that it was, "about time," for the team to fold as the lofty expectations of winning the league in the first three months had not come to fruition. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a dispersal draft reallocates the players from Atlanta United throughout the league.

Philadelphia Union Youth Player Destined To Be The Next Xisco

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union youth player Alonso Rutledge is reportedly well on his way to being the next Xisco as the 14 year old youth academy player looks forward to not contributing in any way to any team that purchases him over his upcoming 15 year career.

One of these players will disappoint you greatly!

"Rutledge has all the capabilities and inconsistencies of a young Xisco," stated head coach and moving van expert Jim Curtin. "We expect just enough things from him to show a potential that he will never reach that will allow us to sell him before he disappoints somewhere else."

Scout Andrew Willingsly stated that he even sees a bit of Eric Djemba-Djemba in young Rutledge's game as he looks forward to watching the exciting youth prospect disappoint at the international level.

"He's got just enough talent to make it and just enough weakness in his game to fail miserably when he gets there," stated Willingsly. "Hopefully the United States can really start consistently producing talents the level of Xisco to allow us to move onto producing talents like El Hadji Diouf. Only then can we talk about producing talents the like of Lord Nicklas Bendtner Maybe in another 60 years we can talk about making it to the Cesc Fabregas stage."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the local news media anoints Rutledge the new Pele.

Despite The Growing Flotilla Of Unemployed And Highly Talented Soccer Writers, Blogger Still Thinks He Is Going To Break Through

Salt Lake, UT - Despite the growing flotilla of unemployed and highly talented soccer writers that pepper the landscape, blogger Isaac Samuel stated that he was still positive that he was going to break through with his work sometime soon.

Welcome to Paste Soccer..........aaaaaaaaaaand goodbye!

"I know that between the ESPN firings, the departure of other writers due to burnout and the wholesale implosion of Paste Soccer that there are a lot of talented writers out there, but trust me... my blog is so revolutionary that my work WILL be noticed," stated Samuel to The Nutmeg News. "Granted, all these fellows have decades of work on me and connections with nearly every part of the writing game, but what they don't have is a dedicated website hosted on godaddy that allows me to link my tumblr page."

Samuel stated that he still goes about his business every week by attending at least one Real Salt Lake practice, taking the conference calls from the team and league, and updating his blog with information relevant to the world of soccer that he scraped from other sources online.

"It's really only a matter of time, at this point," stated Samuel. "I just need to keep my head down and keep working and then ESPN or CNN or Bleacher Report or Howler is going to hire me for those long form articles and a position where I can write derivative Hunter S Thompson style diatribes on attending the MLS All-Star Game. Eventually this will lead to a casual acquaintance with Anthony Bourdain just like Wright Thompson. Perhaps I show him around Salt Lake for an RSL game, who knows!! I'm already planning my byline for Vanity Fair and Rolling Stone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an increase in Mr. Samuel's workload prevents him from writing anything about soccer as he works 63 hours a week for the next two weeks.

Everything You Need To Know About The 2017 Amway Canadian Championship

The Amway Canadian Championship kicks off tonight with the epic quarterfinal play-in between FC Edmonton and the Ottawa Fury, but many people still have questions about the competition. 

Here is everything you need to know about the 2017 edition of the Amway Canadian Championship

WHEN DOES IT START:

Tonight!

HOW DID WE GET HERE:

First there was an explosion, then the earth cooled, then the dinosaurs roamed, then there was Canada, maple syrup, Simon & Hecubus, Celine Dion, Don Cherry and the Toronto Maple Leafs crashing out of the playoffs.

HOW MANY TEAMS ARE THERE:

There are many teams, trust us. You don't need to look this up.  We absolutely know how many teams there are and there are a lot of teams. The best teams. Look, if we told you there were more teams than 2 but less teams than 20 would that make sense? It absolutely would, so we aren't telling falsehoods. Some people would suggest there might even be more than 4 teams, but that might require some research.

Let's see.....

(clicks google)

This year there are five. In future years there may be more than 5, maybe.

HOW DOES THE CANADIAN PREMIER LEAGUE FIGURE INTO THIS:

What?

SERIOUSLY:

The WHAT?

WHICH TEAM IS THE CURRENT TITLE HOLDER:

Toronto FC

WHICH TEAM IS THE FAVORITE TO WIN:

Manitoba Wasps FC

WHAT DOES THE WINNING TEAM RECEIVE:

A deathmatch against Toronto FC for the right to lose horrifically on the road in Mexico against a team playing their secondary squad at some point in the distant future.

WHAT IF TORONTO FC WINS AGAIN:

Then they will split squads and play against each other with Sebastian Giovinco playing as a roving #10 against both squads. If that game ends in a draw then the split squad victor will be solved by a slow motion knife fight set to Rush's YYZ in the parking lot of the Canadian Tire on St Clair.

WHERE CAN I WATCH THIS:

Probably online. Maybe. Definitely in person, provided you are in the Ottawa area, tonight. By the way, if you are in the Ottawa area tonight Mitch McKenzie could use some help moving his couch. Please RSVP if you are available.

WHATS THE NUTMEG NEWS PREDICTION FOR TONIGHT:

Edmonton over Anaheim 4-2

USL Player's Third Touch Is World Class

USL Player Mark Brandonovich stated, on Wednesday morning, that his long time quest to improve his game finally paid dividends as his third touch on the ball is now, reportedly, world class.

KING.... OF THE PRACTICE FIELD

"My first touch? It's garbage," stated Brandonovich to The Nutmeg News. "My second touch? It's a bit like trying to kick a ball with a side of roast beef, but my THIRD touch is absolutely, bang on, unbelievable to see world class."

Brandonovich has long been regarded as having the first touch of a drunk rhinoceros attempting to perform colon surgery with his horn, but Brandonovich worked on his game over the 2016 offseason and now is reaping the plaudits from the coaching staff and fellow players.

"Mark's third touch is out of this world," stated head coach Tommy Jackson. "It's just insane to see, honestly. His third touch is better than any player I've ever seen and I watched Cristiano Ronaldo play in training. Of course, due to his first and second touch, Mark is really not worth playing at any time where we need to protect the lead, nor does he need to start, but when we need a player to play roughly 10 minutes at the end of the game and take pot shots at the opposition goal without passing to an open man, he's our guy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brandonovich develops a cult following with his fanbase for his exploits on the field.

100 Million Dollar USSF Surplus To Be Spent On Nationwide Orange Slice Initiative

CHICAGO - It was announced today that the 100 million dollar US Soccer Federation surplus would be spent on a nationwide orange slice initiative to increase the number of orange slices for children playing the game.

We need MORE orange slices, not less. Forget decreseasing the cost of the game or elimintating pay to play... MORE ORANGE SLICES.

"We are very concerned about the lack of orange slices out there," stated Sunil Gulati, President of the US Soccer Federation. "We understand that there is a severe orange slices shortage in the Simi Valley area as well the youth teams in the Santa Barbara area. There's also a reported shortage in San Diego. We need to address this. We need to fix this. That's why we are implementing this Orange Slice For Everyone initiative. We can really improve access to orange slices by ensuring that orange slices are offered at every single pay-to-play academy and horribly coached youth team across the United States."

The USSF stated that they would also use a portion of the surplus as a reservoir for bribes, in case FIFA gets touchy about the upcoming World Cup bid by North America.

"It's important for us to have a slush fund that we can use for brib...er.... incentives, just in case this whole thing goes pear shaped," stated Dan Flynn, CEO of US Soccer.  "If that doesn't work we will likely renovate our headquarters because we need a new conference table and I want a new view. But yeah.... orange slices... that's the ticket."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as USSF figures out a way to spend money on anything but a way to make the game of soccer more inclusive and less expensive to children across the United States.

Delicate Sensibilities Ruffled As Woman Swears In Soccer Game

Savannah, GA  - The delicate sensibilities of one Virginia Bettenworth of Savannah, Georgia were reportedly ruffled as a chance viewing of a National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) game on Lifetime exposed the aggrieved party to the visage of sporting women who may or may not swear.

Now THIS is what Mrs. Bettenworth is talking about.

"I DO DECLARE," stated Virginia Bettenworth. "My delicate sensibilities were veritably chastened by this uncouth behavior."

Bettenworth claimed that she simply sat down to watch the Lifetime movie, "Lies My Mother Told To Me," when her constitution was inflamed by the usage of words she deems offensive.

"We must BAN this filth from the field and the airwaves. Will this Stephanie McCaffrey ever get a chance to attend the annual Savannah Christmas Cotillion, now? My stars in heaven, this is why I advocated against giving women the right to vote. Isn't that right, Abner?"

"This disgust is absolutely the result of a female swearing," stated Dr Abner McCaffrey, a man, of the institute for Manal Studies at Savannah State University. "Men are allowed to be uncouth, but women must adhere to our insane morality code foisted upon them by the trappings of a slowly decaying society. That sounds bad but you must understand it is for their own benefit. If women are allowed to swear, then the next thing you know they will be allowed to sweat, and if women are allowed to sweat they will be allowed to fart, and farting leads to pooping and women must not be allowed to poop. These profane actions will lead to a woman in the White House, mark my words. We know this because there has been an increase in talk about tampons on the airwaves and many men of reported a loss in essence, possibly from fluordation but also likely caused due to overt estrogen being passed about like candy at Marijuana parties that feature Jazz Music! My STARS AND GARDENS!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as women are held to an insane standard of conduct due to idiocy.