American With German Heritage And Argentine Heritage ALSO Has Brazilian Heritage

NEW YORK - Every four year soccer fan David Heinze stated that despite previously having indicated that he has German heritage and Argentine heritage that he recently discovered that he ALSO has Brazilian heritage... on his grandfather's second cousin's wife side of the family.

"Yes, primarily my father's side of the Heinze family comes from Bavaria and my mother's family comes from Córdoba, Argentina ," stated Heinze to The Nutmeg News. "However, completely coincidentally and totally unrelated to the events of today my grandfather's second cousin's wife was from São Paulo, Brazil."

Friends say that they find it suspicious that Heinze bothered to exclaim this new found loyalty as the fourth goal for France went in against an Argentinian side that seemed outclassed on the day., but they accepted his transition into a Seleção ultra with measured patience as Heinze removed a picture of Lionel Messi and replaced it with a picture of Neymar and Pele.

"How many of those training tops do you have," stated good friend Claudia Gonzalez as Heinze walked out of his bedroom wearing a never-worn Brazil top. 

"It's important for me to display my heritage during this World Cup," stated Heinze as he completely ignored her question. "I'm not just a German fan or an Argentine fan, but I feel strongly connected to that side of the family that I've never met who decided to marry a Brazilian many years ago.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heinze investigates his family tree on Ancestry.com to find out if he also has a distant French cousin, just in case.

Wayne Rooney Added to MLS All-Star Roster

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced that former Everton midfielder Wayne Rooney will be added to the Major League Soccer All-Star roster to be played on August 1, 2018 after his acquisition was announced June 28th by DC United.

Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play
Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid 

"The fans have spoken and Wayne will be suiting up for the MLS All-Star game after his stellar start to the season," stated Commissioner Don Garber. "We all know that Wayne is an All-Star and this selection proves that Major League Soccer will be one of the biggest leagues in the world by 2022, or 2026, or 2030, but definitely by 2022."

Insiders state that Rooney's contract includes a mandate that he is always an All Star since he first heard the song by Smash Mouth whilst watching the biography Shrek.

"This is what, now and where against who?" Reportedly asked Rooney when told that he would be playing against Juventus in Atlanta, Georgia.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a translator fills Rooney in on what exactly an All-Star Game is and where Atlanta is and where Washington DC is and where his team currently is in the league.

FOX Executives Shocked To Find Out There's A World Cup For Women After Julie Foudy Tweet

LOS ANGELES - Executives with FOX were reportedly shocked to find out that there is actually a World Cup for Women after being corrected on a statistic by two time World Cup winner and two time Olympic Gold Medalist Julie Foudy.

"Who woudla imagined that the dames woulda had the moxy to pull that together,": stated FOX executive Dick Richards. "What with this women's lib, they are getting more and more involved in the sports, which we know isn't good for their women stuff."

The Nutmeg News reached out for comment on Mr. Richards statement, but we were told that he was unavailable to comment after being promoted to senior management with FOX News.

However, sources within the newsroom at FOX indicate that they were simply shocked to find out that Women play soccer as they stated, "WOMEN? WHAT WITH THEM MENSTRUATION AND STUFF? THEY PLAY? Won't they just die out there?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FOX News asks whether the Women's World Cup is eroding traditional family values.

American With German Heritage ALSO Has Argentine Heritage

NEW YORK - Every four year soccer fan David Heinze stated that despite previously having indicated that he has German heritage, he ALSO has Argentine heritage... on his mom's side of the family.

"Yes, primarily my father's side of the Heinze family comes from Bavaria," stated Heinze to The Nutmeg News. "However, completely coincidentally and totally unrelated to the events of today, my mother's family comes from Córdoba, Argentina."

Friends say that they find it suspicious that Heinze didn't bother to bring this up until roughly 5 minutes ago, but they accepted his transition into an Albiceleste ultra with measured patience as Heinze moved a picture of Lionel Messi into the living room of his apartment and emerged from his bedroom with a never worn Argentina training top.

"It's important for me to display my heritage during this World Cup," stated Heinze. "I'm not just a German fan, but I feel strongly connected to that side of the family that I've never met who decided to leave Argentina over 150 years ago."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heinze investigates his family tree on Ancestry.com to find out if he also has a distant Brazilian grandfather, just in case.

United States Soccer Federation Announce Post World Cup United States Victory Tour

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced a post World Cup United States Victory Tour with tickets released now for a hungry public awaiting the return of their conquering heroes. 

"We are excited to welcome back the victorious 11," stated Carlos Cordeiro, President of the USSF. "Our boys played hard over the past year and we want to reward all the fans who want to come out and watch them take on World Cup teams like Mexico, Brazil, and England."

Insiders with the USSF indicate that the federation needed to make up money after a disastrous World Cup qualifying round where the team wouldn't have been able to defeat a team of kittens with gloves on their paws.

"We need the money," stated one source to The Nutmeg News. "We are using money from the USWNT victory tour to pay for the marketing on this victory tour, so it's important for the USSF to start making that money back."

Initial reviews of the prices on the tickets available indicate that they are appropriately priced for a hellscape, ruinous capitalistic society dedicated to fleecing everyone out of their money.

"I can't wait to contribute back into the federation so we can continue our utter dominance of the Gold Cup," stated online soccer fan Thurston Hubert. "They need more money and I say let's raise ticket prices until they don't sell so we can find the upper limit of the market place! CAPITALISM!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the victory tour rolls on.

World Cup Watch Party Is A Resounding Success

Boston, MA - A World Cup watch party held by Brandi Lipping was reportedly a resounding success as the 24 year old soccer fan invited 10 of her friends over to her darkened, air-conditioned apartment where they all stood around silently ignoring the television screen playing the game while looking at Twitter, Reddit and Facebook on their cell phones as they scrolled through the endless cavalcade of horrible news that dumped all over their future and their friends future with alarming frequency.

"Finally, 90 minutes where someone doesn't stop me from trying to catch up on all the horrible, unending bullshit that is out there in the world"

"I had a great time," stated 23 year old Robert Henderson. "It was nice to go to a watch party where no one was super aggro. It was just laid back and this was the first time this week that I had enough time to actually catch up with what is going on. I'm working two jobs and the only day I get off is Monday afternoon so this was my only time to decompress for 4 hours before I get home and try to binge watch The 3% on Netflix until 2:00 am because of the endless, unending dread that I feel before I realize I have to be back up in 4 hours at 6:00 am for my morning shift at this job that I fucking hate."

Good friend Theresa Alvarez was reportedly thrilled with the watch party as she stated, "yeah the games were a blast. I actually had 10 minutes of uninterrupted peace before I got a message from a stalker that I've been trying to report on Twitter who keeps harassing me and sending me threatening messages. I've blocked him 10 times, but he keeps creating new anonymous accounts and Twitter won't do anything. I'm pretty much going to have to kill my profile, but it's the only way I can try to put out my part time work as an illustrator. If I didn't have that outlet to show my work all I would have left is my job working at Trader Joe's and the unending misery of taking care of my Mother who moved in with me after she had surgery for breast cancer and couldn't afford to pay for her house anymore."

New friend Jacob Czynski stated that he was honored to have had the opportunity to attend the watch party as it, "Finally gave me time to work on my resume, because I can't do that at work and I'm trying to figure out a way to get out of working the graveyard shift at Massachusets General." Czynski also stated that this shared event really made him realize the importance of connection so he reached out to his old friends in Orlando and sent them a Marco Polo video on the way home.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alvarez loses her job at Trader Joe's after the company won't allow her to have any time off to take care of her ailing mother who just found out that her insurance company will not be covering any further treatments after she lapsed in payments and didn't tell her daughter.

26 Stanza Version Of Pink Floyd's "Money" (In 7/4 Meter) Not Catching On With Fellow Fans

Atlanta, GA - Robert Edward's 26 stanza version of Pink Floyd's "Money" (in 7/4 meter) written for Atlanta United player Darlington Nagbe is reportedly not catching on with his fellow fans as Edward's attempt to pass out a 4 page songbook for the terrace classic did not allow the song to take root.

"It's a simple timing signature where the drums are going to allow the fans to sing over the top, we just all need to memorize these lines before the next game," stated Edwards to The Nutmeg News.

Edwards reportedly blasted out his version of the song on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and even Instagram in his attempt to get this new track for Nagbe going for the fans of the Five Stripes. However, there was some push back as he needed a 16 tweet thread in order to send out all the lyrics to this masterpiece.

"The song isn't too long if you spend a few days memorizing it," stated Edward's to his twitter feed. "I don't see how you can call yourself a fanatic for this club if you can't memorize every one of the mostly individual stanzas that I created for Darlington Nagbe that journals his entire career in soccer both internationally and for Atlanta."

Friends state that Edwards was reportedly upset at leadership in Terminus Legion, the Resurgance, the Faction and Footie Mob for not supporting his Magnum Opus for Nagbe as he stated that they were, "not showing leadership if they don't print and distribute his song among all the fans across the stadium."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edwards calls for a T.I.F.O with the lyrics of his masterpiece that will allow everyone to understand the lyrical complexity that he built into this song.

Major League Soccer Announces Fan Attendance Driven Relegation For Current Franchise Cities

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) on Thursday announced a major development in their business structure with Fan Attendance Driven Relegation for current franchise cities as they stated, "No city that currently has a team is safe, anymore."

The fledgling league indicated that their desire to move franchises around to different cities will now be based entirely upon the performance of the fans at the gate. If fans in cities like Dallas, Houston, New York, Columbus, or New England do not show up with enough season ticket numbers they will move the team from that location to another location while keeping the nickname, tradition, front office staff and players.

"The bottom 3 teams in fan attendance will be removed from their cities, every year," stated MLS President Mark Abbot. "This move will happen regardless of success on the field, so if the MLS Cup Winner comes from Dallas, but they don't show up in the regular season, we will be moving them immediately following that season. It's important to note that we have no problem moving FC Dallas to Albuquerque if Albuquerque will show up in larger numbers than Dallas. This is a business not a charity. We are here to turn a profit and if fans won't compensate us we will move any and every single franchise to wherever we want. We will allow those fans to continue operating in the USL if they have a USL team, but they will be officially relegated from MLS. Honestly, we can all blame the fans for this, they are pretty awful."

According to inside sources, the league has already scouted a move for every team in the league regardless of current status with current standouts like Atlanta, Seattle, Kansas City, and Portland all being slated for moves should their attendance drop off.

"We will relegate those teams to another city immediately if there is even a 5% drop off in attendance, so this is really on the shoulders of the fans," stated Abbot. "We can't be to blame if the fans are to blame. It's really their fault that the team is moving, or terrible, or mismanaged.."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS floats moving the Houston Dynamo to Boerne, Tx for six months just to see how things work out.

God Announces Delay In Prayer Response Due To World Cup

HEAVEN - God, the all-knowing, all-seeing ruler of the parts of earth that believe, announced that there would be a significant delay in prayer response due to the World Cup.

"There's a problem in quadrant D9.

Can we get an MOD to the prayer phone, please?

MOD to the prayer phone."

"We've hit a full on overload situation," stated God to The Nutmeg News. "With all the prayer requests coming in from World Cup fans I haven't even had time to get to the people with illness, the poor, the destitute, the troubled, the sinful or the unbelievers."

According to insider sources with the Supreme Being, God had to diversify the prayer response to other sources as heaven contracted Shiva, Krishna, Lakshmi, Buddha, Odin, Loki, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and even Satan to help out. 

"Beggar's can't be choosers," stated the Almighty who tried to respond to a praying Spanish fan standing at his home in Madrid. "I've even got Jesus and Mohammed off their little vacations to come help out. You ever work in a phonebank with those two? It's just jokes, jokes, jokes and then I find out that Jesus is drinking 'water' the whole time. My me, it was difficult."

According to reports, some prayers were answered incorrectly as a man looking for a win for Colombia actually received englightenment and reportedly gave up on the sport of soccer to write a novel.

"There will be plenty of time to fix things after this is done, but I can't wait to see what...um... Ronaldo... yeah.... Ronaldo is going to do this time," stated God. "To be fair, I'm taking another vacation in 3 weeks, so honestly you guys are on your own for a bit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as God intervenes in one of the World Cup matches just to mess with a parlay placed in a Las Vegas sport book by Steve "t-bone" Howard.

United States Promises To Be A World Leader In Child Internment Camps By 2022

WASHINGTON - Representatives of the government of the United States stated that they were working on a solution to become a world leader in Child Interment Camps by 2022 in an effort to compete with other countries on the global stage.

"We will have a vibrant and flourishing child interment league by 2022," stated United States director of Child Labor Kirstjen Nielsen. "We will absolutely be in the top 10 of nations across the world with regards to our child interment camps. You will see more and more international children coming to our interment camps and we plan on ensuring that we have the room and the cap space to lock down the all the best four, five and six year old children inside chain link, free range areas where they can get all the Fox News they can handle 24/7."

With the United States competing with established international players like North Korea, they have some work to do in order to catch up, however the Trump administration is working on a solution that will address the amount of children needed to break into the top 10.

"We are just going to take all children regardless of age and then force them into our holding facilities and we don't really give a shit what anyone thinks," stated Nielsen.

According to insider sources, the United States is working on a Child Interment Camp Champions League for all nations that qualify with enough detained 3 year olds that have enough talent to set the nation apart on the global stage.

"I can't wait to win the Champions League," stated Child Interment Camp fan Dave Henderson of Dallas, Texas. "Those kids deserve what they got. If I had my way we would institute corporal punishment for every single person across the border. Just start cutting off hands at the wrists. That's the way forward for this country. Let's return to the Christian values this nation was founded upon, the mass genocide of the indigenous peoples and incarceration of anyone that doesn't look like me."

The Nutmeg News will have another drink, please.

Space Force To Launch First Mission To Retrieve Wondolowski World Cup Shot

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump announced that the first mission for the newly formed United States Space Force would be to retrieve the ball shot into orbit from Chris Wondolowski during the 2014 World Cup.

"We're getting very big into space, both militarily and for other reasons. Space is war. War is space. We can't let our balls hang out in space. We need our balls. We need space. Spaceballs. SPACE. BALLS. You see, the lying media won't tell you it's about balls and space," stated President Trump to the assembled reporters. 

"It's bigly. Rotten Hillary wouldn't have gotten our balls in space because Comey, Deep State, No-pee tape, crowd size, FBI, lying media children crisis actors should be jailed and armed."

According to insiders with SPACE FORCE (a separate but equal joint), they don't have a clue how they will be getting the ball back however the administration remains nonplussed.

"We have rockets. They have rockets. The media lies about the size of our rockets. Our rockets our huge. Our balls are huge. We have huge rockets to get huge balls," stated President Trump to an ice cream cone he thought was a microphone. "I can't wait to get our huge balls back in our huge rocket. Trump 2020."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the White House pushes to use migrant children as fuel for the upcoming mission.

Disappointed English Journalist Reshapes Headline After England Wins Game Late

Volgograd, Russia - Disappointed English journalist David Thornberry reshaped his castigating headline from Supreme English Disappointment to England Squeaks Through after a late headed goal by Harry Kane allowed the national team to collect three points.

" I dare say that I am QUITE put out by this."

"I'm still going to lay into them in the body of the column," stated Thornberry to columnists from the Guardian, the BBC and The Times who nodded sagaciously at his decision. 

Thornberry was, reportedly, ready to absolutely flagellate the entirety of the England squad as overpaid prima donnas without a lick of respect for the Empire after a close 1-1 draw with Tunisia.

However, after England pulled out a win late in the game, the journalist was left scrambling to find some other way to paint the team in the manner in which he believes they are.

"It's about time that these lads get taken down a peg due to this disappointing victory," stated Henry Heybottle-Whigs of Chesterfield. "I do hope that the papers savage these lads for this INCREDIBLE disappointment."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thornberry realizes he only needs to change the headline because the rest of his column savaging the team can remain.

FOX Announce They Will Broadcast World Cup Final Via Tape Delay In Order To Show 90 Minute Documentary Called, "What If The USA Won World Cup 2018"

LOS ANGELES - FOX television programming announced, today, that it would be broadcasting the 2018 World Cup final via tape delay in order to show a 90 minute documentary called, "What if the United States won the 2018 World Cup."

"We believe that our audience really only cares about the United States," stated FOX director of broadcasting and ethnic slurs Steve Sanders. "What we know is that average Americans only want to watch the United States win and that's that all we need to understand."

Mr. Sanders indicated that fans should be ready for some surprises as he stated that one such item will be the last 10 minutes of the game audio mixed in with Lee Greenwood's patriotic anthem "Proud To Be An American" and a low transparency waving American flag intercut with iconic aerial shots of corn fields and young Americans eating ice cream.

Insiders with FOX indicate that they compiled together game footage of previous United States World Cup games to utilize with motion captured players from this years World Cup games that will allow them to show the United States winning the 2018 World Cup and celebrating in Russia.

"It's going to be a very cathartic experience for the country," stated vice president of programming and director of racist literature Peter Yarborough. "We will finally allow all of the religious FOX viewers to celebrate the dominance of GOD's country as they should expect."

With viewership down on FOX due to everyone in the United states realizing that their coverage is, by and large, a complete dumpster fire, the network decided to pull the plug on broadcasting the final live in an effort to reach out to patriotic Americans who can only stomach the country being great, winning and kicking the shit out of smaller countries for fun.

"USA, USA, USA," stated one American Outlaws fan that we were able to interview. When asked to comment on the game change he then stated, "USA, USA, USA," before waving his American flag that was decorated with an AK-47 and the words "come and take it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FOX goes ahead with their plan, but decides against showing the final game at all.

Area Man Wonders Why Spain Didn't Use Lionel Messi

Omaha, NE - Attending a World Cup watch party, soccer fan Jeremy "Big Cat" Stevens wondered aloud why Spain didn't use Lionel Messi in their recent game against Portugal.

Stevens sat there wearing his Barcelona Messi kit and drinking maragritas as he enjoyed the festivities of the opening days of the 2018 World Cup with his friends.

"Seriously, they have the best player in the world and we don't get to see him play against Ronaldo? That's bullshit."

With Stevens fully enraged he took to twitter to see if there was a medical reason why Messi was left out of the 18 before he came back to order 4 more shots of tequila for, "my bros, Corden, Aiden, Talen and Billyn." 

As the game wound down, Stevens purportedly stated, "well their loss, I guess. I get to see him play with all his teammates on Barcelona all the time and I know how good he is."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friend=-of-a-friend Elena Paulina tries to explain, without success, to an intoxicated Stevens that Messi plays for Argentina.

"Si! Soy Americano Y Yo Conocer Donde Telemundo Es Por Tres Semanas!"

Denver, CO - American soccer fan Dennis Smith admitted that he now knows where spanish language television station Telemundo is for the next three weeks as he sought refuge from the overbearing coverage on US propaganda station FOX.

"Si! Soy Americano y yo conocer donde Telemundo es por tres semanas," stated Smith proudly showing off his cobbled together Spanish language phrases that simultaneously indicate he somewhat payed attention in High School spanish and his commitment to watching World Cup games without listening to American pundits. "Yo necesito otra cereveza, por favor," stated Smith to his friend Roger at 8:30 am.

Smith reportedly gave up on FOX after finding out that they were going to do 400 hours of coverage talking about why the 2026 World Cup would be better than Russia and how sad it is that the US isn't at the World Cup given how bad all these other teams are that qualified.

"I just can't do it anymore. Another minute of having to listen to Alexi Lalas and Rob Stone is going to bury me. Another second of dealing with the FOX coverage is going to make me hate the world cup and all the people there. It's off to Telemundo! VIVA TELEMUNDO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith is visited by a FOX executive at his work to ask why he isn't watching the games on their channel anymore.

As The 2018 World Cup Kicks Off, What Are Your Favorite USMNT Players Up To?

With the 2018 World Cup finally kicking off, we with The Nutmeg News decided to take a look at what your favorite players who had a part in the United States v Trinidad and Tobago game are up to on this very auspicious day.

Tim Howard:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Deandre Yedlin:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Omar Gonzalez:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Matt Besler:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Jorge Villafana:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Michael Bradley:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Paul Arriola:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Darlington Nagbe:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Christian Pulisic:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Bobby Wood:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Jose Altidore:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Clint Dempsey:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Benny Feilhaber:

What he is up to: NOTHING

Kellyn Acosta:

What he is up to: NOTHING

D.C. United Hoping That Blinding Sun In Television Cameras Hides How Bad Team Is This Year

WASHINGTON - Insider sources with D.C. United (a soccer team in Washington D.C.) indicate that recently uncovered news that the position of the stadium and roof line makes the afternoon sun shine into television cameras was actually not a mistake and instead was a conscious effort by the front office to prevent fans from seeing how poor the team is this season as they struggle on and off the field.

We don't need any stupid sun studies!

United, who are currently dead last in the Eastern Conference, have struggled this season as the front office continues to have thirteen jobs done by Ben Olsen including team driver, chef, seat ticket representative, and masseuse. 

"These reporters think that this was a mistake, but in reality this was a decision by the front office to ensure that we don't look bad on national TV," stated one United insider. "You can't hate what you can't see! 9 points! Once they flip the team and sell to a consortium of businessmen from China they will tell them that they need to build a cover over the whole stadium and complete the design."

Fans say that they remain un-surprised by any of this as they continue to find ways to be let down by a front office that has managed to sever much of the good will remaining at the team over the past 10 years.

"I'm just going to keep re-watching that Lewis Neal goal from 6 years ago," stated D.C. United fan Osvaldo Gonzalez. "Ugh."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United deny that the sun exists.

FIFA Hopes World Cup Spotlight Will Force United States To Resolve Human Rights Issues

Zurich, CH - After the final announcement was made regarding the destination of the 2026 World Cup, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) indicated that they hoped the World Cup spotlight would force the country to resolve some of their human rights issues over the next 8 years.

"We spoke to the administration of President Trump and he assured us that they would take a look at our concerns," stated President Gianni Infantino to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "This country has 8 years and we will be keeping as close an eye as we have on the World Cup in Qatar."

Insiders with FIFA indicate that the federation was very worried about the United States caging children in detention centers, the poor treatment and working conditions of immigrant and migrant workers, the rise of far right fascist groups, the unsolved and virulent racism, and the gun violence epidemic that has no signs of slowing down.

"We took into consideration the problems with the United States, but decided that money was money and money, money, but money and so much money," stated FIFA secretary Thandie Portnoy. "We already did indentured servitude, homophobia and poor treatment of migrant workers with no rights in Qatar, so moving to the United States really isn't going to be that different."

Sources with the United States claim that you can't paint the country with a broad brush, but they did admit that there's been 23 school shootings so far in 2018 and it's likely only going to get worse in 8 years as the country does absolutely fuck-all to resolve any of their issues.

"We believe that football can bring a country together," stated Infantino. "The spotlight of fair play and code of ethics for which FIFA is famous will shine a light on the United States and encourage reform in the rampant economic divide, racism, and violence that currently courses through the nation."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as .... um..... well.... look, let's just hope that everyone keeps their nukes in their pants for the next 8 years.

Woman Who Can't Plan Dinner Absolutely Ready To Attend World Cup In 8 Years

NEW YORK - Whilst having a difficult time making a decision about whether she can afford to patronize Pão De Queijo or Alnour or Papa's Kitchen or Christina's for dinner, soccer fan Andrea Guzman was reportedly absolutely ready and excited to attend the World Cup in the United States in 8 years.

The only thing you need to understand is FIFA and Coca-Cola!

"I can't wait," tweeted Ms. Guzman who currently doesn't have a job that would allow her to buy a $25 bus ticket to Rockaway Beach. "The games are going to be amazing and so much fun to attend."

Sources say that Guzman is still trying to nail down a career that will let her reach her aspirations as she struggles to make it in New York City on a daily basis.

"Andrea had to borrow money from me to wash her laundry last month," stated good friend Sandra Sahib. "I'm sure she will have it figured out in 8 years, though."

Experts indicate that 8 years is a long time, however they say that it isn't impossible to predict that tickets will be insanely expensive provided there isn't a major world war by that time.

"We expect tickets to be so expensive that we can't even begin to understand their value," stated director of metrics for New York University Carla Abreu. "There may be a cottage industry of indentured servitude or prostitution that will allow for early ticket purchase. Perhaps there will be a way of selling an entire human. We aren't certain. However, what we are certain is that it will be so expensive that if you can't already afford them right now, you won't be able to dream about them 7 years from now either."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in 7 years from the front line of the Eastern Appalachian front where the Democratic Socialist Republic is pushing back on the Grafton Notch front line of the Holy Christian Empire of Patriot Americans.

North Carolina Courage To Release 700 Club Scarf

Cary, NC - In an effort to reach out to both communities in their area, the North Carolina Courage announced today that in addition to their Pride scarf they would also be releasing a two sided 700 Club scarf.

This is going to be some PRIDE event.

The quote is from a Jerry Fallwell interview with Pat Robertson on the 700 club in which he blames the, "pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularise America" for the terrorist attacks on New York City.

Insiders with the North Carolina Courage indicate that they had a hard time picking between Falwell's quote on The 700 Club  or the quote from The 700 Club's host himself, Pat Robertson, in which he said that people who had too much plastic surgery, "got the eyes like they're Oriental," whereupon the host on the television program then stretched his eyelids out in approximation of his racist stereotype.

With midfielder Jaelene Hinkle recently appearing on The 700 Club to discuss her opposition to the LGBTQ community, the Courage stated that they were simply trying to appease all members of their fanbase.

Reportedly, the Courage even debated going with the Pat Robertson quote describing his self-advanced conspiracy that allowing Gay marriage will Christians turn to bestiality as the scarf quote stated, "You’re gonna say that you like anal sex, you like oral sex, you like bestiality,” with the other side stating North Carolina Football Club.

We reached out to the Courage about this but they stated, "nothing we are doing is hurting anyone, we are just being tolerant to absolutely bat-shit insane Christian televangelists who blamed a pact with the devil for Haiti's earthquake and believes that allowing gay marriage will turn Christian's into dog loving sodomites. What's wrong with that?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage debate whether putting Pat Robertson's quote about Muslims being motivated by demonic power will allow them to truly reach both sides.