Minnesota United Fan Announces 2 Year Extension To Their Depression

Minneapolis, MN - It hasn’t been the start to the 2022 season that Minnesota United fan Sandra Andrews wanted, but the Loons fan is sticking with their chronic depression for the foreseeable future.

The Minnesota United fan announced Thursday they’ve signed their depression to a two-year extension, which keeps their depression under contract with Minnesota through the 2024 season. The deal was made official after Minnesota United signed new contracts for Adrian Heath, Ian Fuller, Sean McAuley and goalkeeper coach Stewart Kerr.

Depression has been with Andrews since the Loons entered Major League Soccer in 2017 and has continued to lead the fan despite three straight MLS Playoff appearances.

“My depression has been absolutely instrumental in driving me further and further away from the so-called competitive success of the team,” stated Andrews. “The commitment that the team has to the current direction regardless of the feelings of fans or the results on the field has really helped form what seems like an endless miasma of rudderless angst, that I really appreciate now.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews searches google for a therapist in the Twin Cities area before wondering if starting a new Skyrim save as a dual wielding magic user will fix the issue instead.

San Jose Executive Excited For Opportunity To Sell Gifted World Cup Tickets For $2000 Over Face Value

San Jose, CA - San Jose executive Grant Sellers stated that he was excited for the opportunity to have his assistant sell gifted 2026 World Cup tickets for $2000 over face as he declared that it was, “a twice in a lifetime opportunity.”

“Not many people get the opportunity to overprice World Cup tickets,” stated Sellers to The Nutmeg News. “I’m going to use the money to pay for a new non-slip decking on my yacht in the Seychelles.”

Sellers stated that he knows that he will end up with tickets he plans on not using, regardless of the future date of the World Cup.

“If I don’t end up with free ones, I’ll rattle a few trees. Don’t worry. I’ll make it happen,” stated Sellers from the private watch party and celebration at Levi’s Stadium. “We are gonna pluck this chicken and feed it to the poor, er… the less fortunate.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Glen Fellows, from Oakland, begins saving right now for tickets.

Journalist Turns In Blank Page In Order To Avoid Politics Based Reporting On World Cup

WASHINGTON - In an effort to appease his apolitical fans and stay compliant with a mandate from his editor, soccer journalist Brian Talmund turned in a blank page for his report on the assigned cities for the upcoming 2026 World Cup and closed his laptop for the evening.

“They didn’t want any politics involved so I reported everything I could,” stated Talmund to The Nutmeg News.

According to the turned in report, the only thing Talmund could do was number the pages as even turning in a city byline would indicate the political leanings of the city upon which he was reporting and the lobbying therein.

“I was told to strictly separate politics and sport,” stated Talmund. “And there is literally no way that I can report on anything in which FIFA is involve…. or soccer, or Washington D.C. without talking about politics. So this way I’m going to call it a day and try to go to bed early for once.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people on Twitter call this a political statement clearly designed to inflame tensions with republicans.

International Break Gives Man Time To Finally Focus On Supporters Group Drama

LOS ANGELES - With the international break stopping his club from distracting him with their on the field play, LAFC fan Paul Stewart stated that he finally had time to focus on Supporters Group drama.

“Normally I can push all that crap aside to focus on the field,” stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. “However, with the team not playing I can really figure out why I dislike certain members of 3252 and why I think that they are terrible at every level.”

Stewart indicated that all this free time is really a gift to finally figure out what it is that pisses him off about the recent banners, the people who made them, the people associated with them, and those responsible for every single one of the songs, chants and moves in the stands that he loathes.

“I’m going to finally have time to jump to conclusions,” stated Stewart. “I’m definitely going to call out some people without proof and develop some really intricate grudges that will detail specifically my dislike of anyone associated with the people I dislike leading to a complete dissatisfaction with the supporters group that will culminate in my changing my season tickets in 2 years or less.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart logs onto twitter and types “THREAD - 1/32” before launching into a multi-post takedown.

Christian Pulisic Blames Millennials For Killing USMNT Fanbase

Cincinnati, OH - Speaking passionately about the state of the American fans at the United States vs Morocco game, Christian Pulisic blamed Millennials and their inability to save for killing the USMNT fanbase.

Stating, “Fans need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and prioritize debt elimination so they can attend USMNT games,” Pulisic castigated the youth group who are now between 35 to 40 years old.

“Millennials are constantly getting into debt from their student loans to ivy league schools to their avocado toast to their useless expenditures for boutique coffee,” stated Pulisic. “What we are seeing is their inability to save for necessary expenditures like tickets to a meaningless game against Morocco on a Wednesday night.”

Pulisic went on to say, “they need to spend less at the grocery store and more at Ticketmaster. What are groceries right now? £50 a month delivered? Maybe they should stop driving as much and take the train to work. Maybe they should consider having their personal assistant take a pay cut. Maybe they should stop spending all their money on frappe latte’s at Starbucks so they could afford to cancel all their credit card debt. Seriously, what are their financial advisors telling them to do with their bond and security investments that they can’t pay off their bills by just cutting a television promo for a Chipotle.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Pulisic suggests every fan earmark additional funds from their offshore accounts in tax havens for future USMNT games.