Orlando City Fan Shits Himself In Stadium To Prove His Dedication To Team

Orlando, FL - “Yes, I shat my pants during stoppage time." said Jeremiah Fillbrett of Kissimmee, Florida. "And you know what? I’d do it again. This is about supporting your team. This is about giving everything for the boys on the field, and you know what.... sometimes that thing you give is shitting yourself for the team. Support means never leaving the stands, even if you have to go."

Reports had been circulating through the Orlando City supporters network that during stoppage time of the home game against Red Bull New York the smell of feces permeated throughout The Wall fan section.  TNN can now exclusively report on the incident as the super-fan made contact and agreed to speak to The Nutmeg News about this display of fan behavior.

“I’d been drinking the previous night and started day drinking around 10:00 am. That’s not entirely different than what I usually do but as we got closer to the stadium I realized I was going to need some food. The only place I could find was a 7-11 so I ducked in and got three of their $1.99 Bacon-Wrapped Big Bite© Hot Dogs.” Jeremiah paused and lowered his head and covered his face with his hands, “I actually dumped on cheese from the nacho dispenser to the top of each one. Jesus, what was I thinking?”

“I knew by the half that I was in trouble and was going to have to find some time to drop the kids off at the pool but I couldn’t leave my team. They needed my voice, they needed everyone’s voice. Real fans fight through anything to root for their team. Anything. That includes rooting through what could only be described as giving birth to the Anti-Christ anally. There were four minutes of the game left and by that time it was too late.  I knew there was only one way forward and that way was not to the bathroom. So I shit myself for the team. I shit myself for the glory of Orlando City. Nothing says 'Ultra' like a man shitting himself for the team. Especially given that we were losing in that game. Good result or bad, tough schedule, bad weather, having to poop, none of that matters.... we will stand there supporting, dancing, singing no matter what. If God wants me to shit myself to prove my love for Orlando City, I'll do it. That's all that matters."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Fillbrett if he planned on making this a regular occurrence in the stadium.

"Well, they didn't win. But I'll do anything for Orlando City. Anything."

 

Man Shocked To Find Out Players Are Human

Kansas City, MO - A quick trip down the freeway was all that Major League Soccer fan Corigan Singh needed to have his world turned inside out as he saw a Sporting Kansas City player having car difficulties on the side of the road.

"They have problems with their car just like me" exclaimed Singh as he flew by without stopping to help. 

"Next thing you are going to try to tell me is that players also have human emotions and families that give them grief when they try to sleep in on Sundays."

"Next thing you are going to try to tell me is that players also have human emotions and families that give them grief when they try to sleep in on Sundays."

Singh said that while he hadn't considered that the players he watches every weekend are human, that his new development in his world view may change the way that he lobs obscenities towards them on the field.

"Clearly if they are human beings than they might also make mistakes and have bad days at their job just like we all do except for my third cousin Dale who is just so damn perfect all the time. Did my mother tell you that he just put in an above ground pool? What an asshole. Any way, I will probably stop using so many personal insults towards our players when they mess up and instead just focus on insulting the team dynamic as a whole under my breath."

While Mr Singh says that this information may change the way that he deals with the idea of players that play for Sporting Kansas City, that this new paradigm of human players won't change his viewpoint of referees anytime soon.

"They are just here to screw my team out of three points. Bastards."

 

That Announcer Is Going To Keep Saying "Offsides" Just To Piss You Off

That announcer you hate? Yeah, that guy. Well he isn't going to stop, no sir, until you are positively foaming at the mouth with hatred over his incorrect usage of the term "offsides". He knows that the correct word is offside, you know it is offside, your mother knows it is offside; but I'll tell you what.... he doesn't care. ".... and he pulls up offsides again" will continue blaring out of the television with rapid abuse.

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to him about this delicate situation and here is what he has to say when we interviewed him at that one spot that you saw him last year where he looked a bit pissed, "Yep, I'm going to continue to say offsides even though we all know that this isn't a word. I'm doing it to annoy you and all those precious viewers that like correct terminology and words used appropriately. Not only am I going to continue using it, but I'm going to find ways to work it in from a different viewpoint so that your second half is going to be one long diatribe from me on offsides, offsides, offsides. I might even talk about players 'being offsides on a throw-in' just to annoy you even though we both know this is impossible."

Despite all of this information in advance, The Nutmeg News knows that none of this will deter you from watching terrible youtube streams of US Open Cup games and NWSL and MLS games where the host continues to abuse the English language and the very basic spelling and existence of the words used to describe a very simple concept. After all, this announcer you hate? He lives his life offsides.

 

NYCFC Supporters Hang From Rafters In Protest

New York City – Inspired by the protests taking place in Portland, Oregon where demonstrators have hooked up rigging to hang in front of ships trying to leave port, NYCFC supporters have lowered themselves down from the scoreboard on the east end of Yankee stadium. We met with Stephen Wills, the organizer of the protest.

“We’re tired of not having our own stadium devoted entirely to soccer,” says Stephen, “that’s something that’s supposed to be one of the prerequisites to having an MLS team. We’re tired of sharing a stadium with a baseball team and we are going to remain here until our demands are met and we are given a place of our own, or we run out of vacation time. Whichever comes first.”

Their first chance to show their discontent with the current stadium came during a recent NYCFC game. “We were up here for the whole game yelling protest chants but we didn’t really think ahead as the supporter’s chants drowned our voices out. We also didn’t really think about our placement in the stadium because the game was able to continue on underneath us as we just looked on. But hey, we’re up here making a statement and it’s only a matter of time until the ownership pays attention.”

Steven was then asked about the state of their morale and how long they plan to continue this protest. “When we started there were three of us but we’re down to two because the Yankees played the other day and Mitch took a home run right to the nuts. He started coughing up blood and decided to call it quits. But Pete and I? We’re here until our demands are met or soccer and baseball seasons end and no one shows up anymore.”

TNN will keep you up to date with further developments.

Success Of MLS All Star Game Shows Potential Of Denver For MLS Expansion

Denver, CO - "The success of the Major League Soccer All Star Game in Denver shows that the City is ready for a possible expansion bid," said Don Garber on Wednesday evening.

Garber continued with his comments on expansion during the half-time show of the game that featured the MLS All-Star team against Tottenham Hotspur,

"Denver is a market that we have wanted to capture for some time and with their passionate fan base we could only imagine how fantastic it would be to have them in our portfolio of teams. We think that a downtown stadium with lightrail service and an integration into the downtown core would build a fantastic fan base that would be the envy of North America."

Garber wouldn't say if he specifically had an ownership group in mind for the expansion to the Mile High City, but he did say that he hoped to create inroads into the businesses that call Denver home. 

"We already have had conversations with Apex Silver Mines and Modern Drunkard Magazine about a potential corporate sponsorship of the team. The opportunity to really connect with the corporate sector is there. We have also started a workshop for the name of the team, with suggestions coming in that it should be something that represents the location, the region and the fanbase as a whole. Even United Airlines is talking about having a plane dressed in the new team livery as they currently don't have a team to support at their headquarters in Chicago. We hope that this Denver team will be a flagship for Major League Soccer in the future."

Blogger Can't Figure Out How To Monetize His Popularity

New England Revolution blogger Christopher Jenkins has hit the height of internet fame with over 1,500 followers on twitter, he frequently talks to the front office of the Revolution, and is followed by national journalists; and yet Jenkins admits that he has no idea how to monetize his career after giving away his content for free for the last seven years.

I don't know...... how the hell does anyone make money? Maybe Patreon?

I don't know...... how the hell does anyone make money? Maybe Patreon?

"I kinda figured that after I hit it big there would be options," said a despondent Jenkins. "Yet it seems like everyone is willing to hire me to write but no one is willing to pay me to write." 

While Jenkins has become a source for information from local fans on the Revolution as well as covering the Boston Breakers and the United States National Teams, he has also amassed an unusual number of detractors.

"Well, I'm accused of being in the pocket of the front office. To a certain extent that is true. I mean, I'm not going to get information by being a dick to them so I'm just going to continue taking the abuse from the fans and continue getting information sent to me by email and DM. The best way I can continue to grow my online profile is to be the first provider of  breaking information and insider knowledge. I don't really care whether that information is true, false or if that information is given to me by the front office or something that I shamelessly lifted from another rumor twitter account."

While Jenkins may be a repository for all the information that the front office of the Revolution wants to dump, he still is struggling to find a way forward, financially, from where he is now. 

"I'm hoping that I can get a job writing game recaps for the front office, or a beat position for Major League Soccer. I can't even begin to understand how I'm going to carve a career out of this. I have no equity in my work other than my followers on twitter and the only thing that serves is the rampant masturbation of my ego. Otherwise whether 1500 or 15000 I'm still working as an equipment manager at the fitness center 30 minutes away from my home."

While Jenkins is despondent about blogging, he does have one idea about how to go forward, "Maybe if I self publish a book on the Revolution, that'll make me some money. All I need to do is collect 40 or 50 thousands dollars from my fan-base through kickstarter. Then I can just sit back and watch the money come in."

 

Fantasy Football Season Begins

Billings, MT – With only one hour left in his workday, Paul Martins of Billings Montana was in a race against time to get his EPL Fantasy Football team updated for the new season before he has to go home for the day. TNN immediately dispatched field reporter Adam Clark to get a play by play account of the exciting development.

Clark: “Paul our readers are anxious to know what exactly your strategy is today as you rebuild your team for 2015. What do we have to look forward to in the next hour?”

Martins: “Well I’m not really sure. I guess I’m just mostly trying to find something to help fill the endless mundane wasteland of time that is 4:00 to 5:00.”

Clark: “Absolutely riveting stuff, Paul. What drove you to attempt a monumental task like this with a one hour time limit? Why restrict yourself with a sharp deadline like this?”

Martins: “Rick from accounting sent out an email a little bit ago saying that the new Fantasy Football season was starting up and that the winner gets a free lunch at “Chuck’s BBQ Shack.” Rick’s a big soccer fan and I’m into baseball but a free lunch is a free lunch. I just got done filling out some reports when I saw his email so I figured I’d go create a team.”

Clark: “Fascinating strategy. So what lessons did you learn from last year’s team design? What worked well? What changes do you see yourself implementing this year?”

Martins: “Well the first change I made was my password. I couldn’t remember what I used last year. I think I signed up last July and maybe checked it a couple times in August and then just forgot about it.  As to what player’s I’m choosing I was looking for David Beckham but I guess they forgot him or something. So I just started clicking people at the top until I ran out of money and then I just clicked anywhere.”

Clark: “We don’t want to use up anymore of your valuable team design time so I just have one last question, who do you think is going to be your biggest opponent this year? Who’s going to give you the most difficulty going forward as your team strives to climb the ranks?

Martins: “Probably Becky over in Human Resources. I think she goes by ‘Go_Grizzlies’ on the fantasy site. She won last year but I think it’s because she has her son build her team for her. He knows more about this stuff then any of us. It’s kind of cheating but Becky’s a real nice girl so I don’t mind losing to her.

Clark: “Paul, thank you so much for your time. Good luck this year!”

Martins: “Alright, then.”

Old Man Remembers When MLS ASG Meant Something, Back In 2014

Denver, CO - With Tottenham Hotspur manager Mauricio Pochettino guaranteeing that he will shake Pablo Mastroeni's hand (provided that Mastroeni hasn't been fired by then) during the All Star Game, resident crank Drew McGary fondly remember when the Major League soccer All Star Game meant something.

"Back in 2014, we didn't shake each others hands and no one wanted to lose." said McGary from his barstool at the British Bulldog. "Now adays you kids and your handshakes and kit exchanges and takin selfies with the opposing teammates, its an embarrassment." 

McGary, of course, is referencing the dramatic turn from the 2014 where a visibly upset Pep Guardiola shattered Caleb Porters heart into a million pieces when Porter attempted to just a get a chance to touch his gold plaited god.

"And stop dressing like me too!"

"And stop dressing like me too!"

While some may say that McGary is having nostalgia for a time that doesn't actually represent the feeling at the time, he begs to differ. "Don't let people tell you that they didn't care. Why you could walk down any main street and watch the match on the high definition televisions that they sold in the windows of Montgomery Wards. Why everyone knows where they were when Guardiola snubbed Porter. I'll tell you there was talk of war afterwards. Now this guaranteed handshake mistake will guide us into the world of selfie sticks and having your children not playing outside. It's terrible I tells ya!"

 

With Deadline In 5 Minutes And No Ideas, Writer Pumps Out "How Good Would The US Be If NFL/NBA Stars Played Soccer" Article

Bleacher Report, Internet - With a deadline in five minutes and absolutely no creative ideas what-so-ever Dan Carson and Bleacher Report realized that they needed to dump some more crap out on the web and proceeded to poop out a "How Good Would The USA Be If Other Athletes Played Soccer" article, which was just dusted off from their earlier "How Good Would Danica Patrick Be If She Was A Porn Star" article.

In This Photo: More work spent on the photoshop of players faces than the actual idea behind the article

In This Photo: More work spent on the photoshop of players faces than the actual idea behind the article

Carson was quoted as saying, "Yeah, we all know this article is a pile of shit, and bleacher report is, by and large, a pile of shit; however I didn't have any ideas left in the tank and it has been a few months since someone wrote down this stupid thought exercise of nfl/nba/mlb players to soccer."

Carson remained unapologetic about the methodology that required him to submit this dreck to the internet, "I don't think people understand how hard it is to come up with a 'Signs Your Coach Might Not Make It Through Season' or a 'Times Kobe Shut Down Social Media' or a 'The Most Criticized Sports Stars of the 2000s' article. It's tough work. We take lists of things that take us a few minutes of thought and  try to connect them through a clickbait article that makes you think it is actual journalism. It's not easy and if you excuse me, I have to finish my '100 ways Lebron James might actually be a leprechaun' article. It is due in 2 minutes."

 

Man Can't Figure Out Liga MX Loyalty

Minneapolis, MN - Soccer fan Garrett Johannson cannot figure out if he is a Pumas or a Tigres fan after deciding to throw his lot in with a team from Liga MX as a fan.

"I'm having a hard time gleaning all the necessary facts from wikipedia to establish a viable connection to the city beyond the broad scopes of soccer" said Johannson. "I mean I like tigers, but I also like cougars. I do, however, dislike Notre Dame and that connection to Pumas pushes me towards Tigres. However, Tigres also has a chance to win the Copa Libertadores which means I would be coming on as a bandwagon fan. Then again... I knew them before they won the Copa, so that would be good. They also have a chance at losing and nothing cements a bond like a team with heartbreak. Look either way we cut this I like burritos, so I'm trying to figure out which location makes the best burrito that I could eat outside the stadium."

Johannson decided to throw his lot in with two teams after getting perpetually frustrated with the clownshoes organizations that run soccer in North America. "Yeah, I just can't bring myself to root for a league instead of a team and that's basically MLS. Minnesota United are possibly going there soon, which means that the club closest to me is about to turn from a club to a subway franchise pumping out fresh meat. So I might as well start fresh and clean with a team from a city I know nothing about with a fanbase that I know nothing about with a language that I don't speak."

Johannson said that while winning is a priority, that he would almost certainly rather visit Mexico City than the area surrounding Monterrey which is another deterrent in his search for a club. "I'm basing this purely on google image searches, but I'd rather explore the craziness of Mexico City based on about 2 minutes worth of research."

While Johannson doesn't speak Spanish at all, he doesn't find this a deterrent to his shifting fanhood. "I speak English perfectly and yet I frequently don't want to hear what our commentators have to say in the United States. So I'll just learn to roll with the punches, watch a bunch of Destino repeats on PBS and figure it all out as I go. Vamos Pumas! Pumas til I Die.... wait... Do they say that?"

 

Eastern Conference Fans Manage To Enjoy Their Teams Despite Knowing Their Conference Is Shit

Fans of Eastern Conference teams in Major League Soccer managed to really enjoy their teams and the games that they watched in person despite their knowledge that they play in a vastly inferior league to Major League Soccer West. 

In This Photo: Fans confident that they are watching the Timbers get relegated to the Eastern Conference. Mandatory Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

In This Photo: Fans confident that they are watching the Timbers get relegated to the Eastern Conference. Mandatory Credit: Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

This satisfaction in the weekend came despite the fact that fans of eastern conference teams have been informed that they really they should give it all up and start working on their plein air painting and still life sculpting.

"Indeed, we have been informed only about 2,000 times in the last four years that the West is stronger than the East" said communications director of the Midnight Riders Jamison O'Flannery. "We thought about packing it all in about 3 years ago because it was clear that we were just vastly inferior, but then we realized that we were just going to support our team anyway because there was nothing we could do about it."

"I don't even know why they keep watching their teams" said Seattle Sounders fan Hoskins Brustace. "I mean, we all know the West is stronger. No one wants to watch an inferior product. They should just give up and convert to a Western team. Seriously, Eastern Conference.... get your shit together and just convert. We have more room on the Sounders bandwagon."

Despite this knowledge of conference inferiority, 19,000 + fans showed up to shamefully watch lower conference soccer as DC United played against the Philadelphia Union. The game began with an announcement from Major League Soccer stating, "You are watching two teams from the Eastern Conference. We can cancel this game and just show Dallas and Portland on the concourse televisions if enough people want us to do so."

In This Photo: 19,000 fans wondering if they could leave to watch real soccer played in Dallas.

In This Photo: 19,000 fans wondering if they could leave to watch real soccer played in Dallas.

Rumors exist that DC versus Philadelphia was indeed played to conclusion regardless of this offer, but no one on The Nutmeg News staff cared enough to see what the score was. We were quoted as saying "It's only the Eastern Conference. Does anyone care?"

Denver Based Liverpool Fan Insists "Main Stand In Anfield Doesn't Sing Like It Used"

Denver, CO - Denver based Liverpool fan, Charles McGinnis, is adamant that the main stand just doesn't sing the way it used to despite having never been to Liverpool.

"They just don't. You can tell through the online stream that I get from rojodirecta. I mean, I've never been to Liverpool, nor taken in a game at Anfield, but I read Red and White Kop (RAWK) religiously and I can tell you that the noise level has gone down from the main stand." said a cocksure and slightly inebriated McGinnis to the 2 people who still wanted to listen to his tirade.

"While I just started following Liverpool Football Club in 2012, this shouldn't preclude me from having an opinion on the veracity of the atmosphere in Anfield. I mean, I watch every game, I'm a fan, I have opinions. You should understand that my opinions are important."

While perhaps accurate, McGinnis' point has been lost behind a myriad of shitty behavior and drunken braggadocio that made him the persona non-grata for Liverpool fans in Denver.

"He just thinks he knows everything and while he is here at the bar for every game, it gets a bit tiring to hear him pronounce his encyclopedic knowledge on a team and place that he hasn't even visited." said bartender Ismail Hartwig.

While McGinnis is still on the 36th different version of plans that he claims will take him to Anfield, but will likely end up with him taking a trip to Boston to watch a friendly with Liverpool in about 5 years, he isn't being a defeatist about his opinions. "I know I'm right and if I get a chance to go over to Anfield I'll teach those Scousers how to sing. GLORY GLORY LIVERPOOOOOOL"

 

Madison 56ers Caught Using Betamax Copy of 1979 UEFA Cup Game Instead Of Livestreaming NPSL Playoffs

Madison, WI - The Madison 56ers were caught using an old betamax copy of the 1979 UEFA Cup Game  of Skeid Fotball versus Ipswich Town F.C. instead of livestreaming the NPSL playoffs.

"We just didn't have the money to hire someone to come out and live stream the Detroit City v AFC Cleveland game, so we just added a small selection of Northern Guard members into the crowd in post production and rebroadcast the Ipswich game instead." said president of the 56ers Tim Hanson. "We know that we owe it to the fans, but honestly... what fans? We get roughly 10 people to show up for a game and most of those people actually are the ones that our players talk into coming out for support"

While the game looked suspiciously crappy for even a stream, the deception was confirmed when the audio cut in to yell "Frans Thijssen with a goal in the 38th minute for Ipswich! What a game!"

The 56ers released an statement immediately after "we'd offer an apology and a refund, but you got the stream for free and we spent all our money painting the yellow lines on the field and renting the additional porta-potties for the Northern Guard. So you can just piss off."

The NPSL, for their part, released a statement saying, "We would do something but we can't and we won't. So there. Anything else?"

 

 

Lily Dale Spiritual Mediums Inform Of MLS Predictions From George Washington

Spiritual Mediums from Lily Dale Assembly (the worlds largest center for the religion of spirtitualism) have confirmed that George Washington has reached out to them from the great beyond with his picks for the upcoming Major League Soccer games.

In This Photo: A whole load of dead famous people and not one plumber. Because no one was a nondescript plumber who never married and died alone of a heart attack in his one room shack in East Windsor in their past life.

In This Photo: A whole load of dead famous people and not one plumber. Because no one was a nondescript plumber who never married and died alone of a heart attack in his one room shack in East Windsor in their past life.

The mediums announced that they would give away half of the picks for this weeks game, however in order to get the full picks you will have to tip them 100 dollars per pick in order to keep a cleansed aura.

The picks of former president and currently dead man George Washington are as follows:

#1 Real Salt Lake and Sporting Kansas City draw

#2 Columbus defeats Toronto FC

#3 Seattle and Montreal draw

#4 New England over Chicago

The mediums said that they were able to gather a very strong impression from Washington that he suggests anyone should parlay the New England and Columbus game  with the US v Panama third place game, but that George Washington said to be afraid of the spread.

However, they did advise a word of caution from taking betting tips from a man that is dead and clearly not a soccer fan in the first place.

The Nutmeg News will have more from Lily Dale when they conjure up Thomas Paine to talk about salary inefficiencies in the current salary cap environment as it impacts team playoff successes and how to play that against current betting trends.

 

 

 

OPINION: Passionate Fan On Twitter Looking To Chat About My Team Unless We Disagree

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from @EchoChamber_SoccerChat of Twitter. The viewpoints and opinions of @EchoChamber_SoccerChat do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

I work in an office, I have a pretty important job, and people like to talk sports from time to time. However, when I start to talk about "registas and their deployment in the modern game versus a pressure defense that collapses around zone 14 and how this impacted last week’s game" with co-workers their eyes glaze over and I can tell immediately they have no idea what it means to be a true soccer fan.

So I decided to seek out my conversations on Twitter where I can find people who are more up to par with my level of expertise and are willing to discuss these high-level matters. That is, as long as they don’t disagree with me, then I will dismiss them outright.

In order to generate conversations I first start by retweeting anything and everything I find. If I do this enough it gives the impression that I am completely plugged into my team and am actually generating some kind of original content. In reality I’m just looking for someone to reply to a story so I can weigh their opinions against my own and then dismantle their argument and Twitter-block them if they have no idea what they are talking about.

For instance during the July transfer window our club acquired a younger player with great potential and I was furious that we didn’t get a high-level player like Balotelli or Zlatan. I re-tweeted the story and said that I was disappointed in how our small market team was acting like a small market team. Someone actually had the nerve to reply to me and say that our club can’t afford more than this because we ARE a small market team and that our ownership is probably doing the best with what they have.

It was unbelievable. I immediately Twitter-muted him and wrote about how fans like him were the problem with all that is going wrong because as long as we have this vision of us being small market we will always remain small market.  This is not how things are run in Barcelona, Manchester City, or even Los Angeles. It’s ridiculous.  Some of my followers agreed with my argument so we sent some funny memes back and forth for a while. 

When it comes to soccer discussion people need to realize that you’re either brilliant, or you’re shit. If you want to be brilliant follow me on Twitter and we can talk soccer and agree with everything I say. Follow me at:  @EchoChamber_SoccerChat

Nation's Referees To Soccer Players, "Keep Trying To Argue With Us You Little Punks."

The nations referees banded together today to release a statement.

"Keep trying to argue with us you little punks"

Spokesman Jair Marrufo had the following to say, "Despite the fact that no referee in the history of Major League Soccer has ever reversed a card because someone decided to scream in his face, you guys keep doing it. So I'm going to say, Bring It On. We are going to card the living shit out of each and every one of you. We will ensure that games finish a man down, that you get suspended and that your team loses. WE ARE THE LAW."

In This Photo: ZERO - FUCKS - GIVEN

In This Photo: ZERO - FUCKS - GIVEN

Despite the bombastic statement from Marrufo, Major League Soccer has no intention of calming down their referees or even improving them.

"To be honest, we are a little afraid of them" said commissioner Don Garber. "We all know that Baldomero has a really big temper and this one time he walked into the headquarters with a piece around his waist. He threw his gun on the table and said, 'this is your red card' after he was told that he needs to clean up the games that he calls."

Statistical Fact: Toledo once red carded his mother and sent her off for bringing sub-standard food to a family reunion.

Statistical Fact: Toledo once red carded his mother and sent her off for bringing sub-standard food to a family reunion.

However, Mark Geiger had a different take on the relationship between referees and Major League Soccer where he equated refereeing in Major League Soccer to some kind of pro-wrestling level of interference where the impetus was placed on the referees to keep the games entertaining. 

"We are here to make sure that Dax McCarty takes his heel turn on time and that the big clubs never get too big" said Geiger to a collection of bookmakers. "It is not so important to follow the laws of the game, but rather to referee based upon the way that will make the game more entertaining as is dictated by the head honchos in Major League Soccer and Pro Referees. I mean what is more excited than a nonsensical call at an important part in the game that reduces a team to 10 men."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen, over and over and over.

Jurgen Klinsmann On Hot Seat After Toilet Malfunction

Atlanta, GA - Head coach of the United States Men's National Team and Jay Goppingen apologist, Jurgen Klinsmann, was found to literally be on the hot seat after a toilet malfunction on his plush 24 karat gold heated toilet seat pushed the temperatures in excess of "pleasurably warm".

"Happiness is a warm ass cheek..... almost as pleasurable as a barium enema, wouldn't you say?"

"Happiness is a warm ass cheek..... almost as pleasurable as a barium enema, wouldn't you say?"

The head coach of the United States was relaxing his body and surreptitiously pooping at his hotel in Atlanta after getting knocked out of the Gold Cup and visiting the Clermont Lounge for some comfort.

"Only the steely embrace of Blondie and her beer crushing boobs of glory can make me forget about the heading prowess of Darren Mattocks," said Klinsmann as rescue crews attempted to remove the hot seat that was fused to his ass. "While it is true that we did not win on the field, I killed it at the Clermont and I had all the ladies in the place saying, JA!"

While Klinsmann was unable to remove the hot seat immediately he delayed calling the paramedics until the seat was attached so tight because he feared that the paramedics response would not make it to his hotel. "I heard many fans telling Jamaican's to go home, during our loss to them. I was afraid that this basic lack of understanding how to get to Jamaica would carry over to the ability of the paramedics. Luckily it looks like they did understand how to get from point A to point B."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the hot seat of Klinsmann in the coming weeks.

Missing Minnesota United Reserves Found Attending NPSL Executive Clown College

Minneapolis, MN -- The missing Minnesota United reserves that caused the team to forfeit the final game of the season against the Indiana Fire simultaneously screwing FC Buffalo out of an NPSL playoff position were found attending the NPSL clown college and seminary on Thursday morning.

In This Photo: The 2015 graduating class of NPSL executives

In This Photo: The 2015 graduating class of NPSL executives

"We decided to let the United Reserves forfeit a few games here or there to continue on their studies to become NPSL executives through our Clown College accreditation program." said NPSL Chairman Of The Board Joe Barone. "Granted, FC Buffalo were completely screwed by the simple fact that a team certified to play in our competition didn't have enough players to actually show up, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. I mean they are Minnesota United reserves, they need to figure out a way to have gainful employment cause they aren't making it to the big leagues any time soon."

While no one can blame the Indiana Fire, FC Buffalo has issued a press release stating that they are just happy that the missing Minnesota United Reserve players were found.

"While we got totally screwed because an organization that is supposedly going to go 'Major League' couldn't even manage to field a competent reserve team that would fulfill their commitments to playing a game with honor and integrity while simultaneously just actually existing, we find it difficult to hold a grudge. After all, just because Minnesota United and the Minnesota United reserves are a piece of shit, doesn't mean that we have to perpetually hold a grudge."

The NPSL board had the following to say, "We just don't care. Does anyone?"

In a similar fashion, The Nutmeg News can report that Minnesota United apparently entered a team in the WAKA kickball league but had to pull out after two games because they just couldn't convince enough employees to show up.  

The Nutmeg News will have more on this issue as it continues to develop.

 

Pioneers Of Equality: Portland Thorns Prove To 21,000 That Women's Soccer Can Be As Boring As Men's Soccer

Portland, OR - In an attempt at proving equality between men and women, the Portland Thorns managed to shit the bed in front of a sellout crowd of over 21,000 fans on Wednesday night proving that Women's soccer can be as boring as Men's soccer.

In This Photo: 21,114 fans trying to figure out how early they can leave to beat traffic while not making it TOO obvious they are leaving. -- AP Photo/Don Ryan

In This Photo: 21,114 fans trying to figure out how early they can leave to beat traffic while not making it TOO obvious they are leaving. -- AP Photo/Don Ryan

"Our goal was to prove that we are all the same" said Thorns midfielder McCall Zerboni "We wanted to show that we can collectively shit the bed with regards to play and coaching just like the men. I think we stomped it out of the park." 

While the opponent on the evening, the Seattle Reign, dominated the game in nearly every aspect on the night the Thorns fans tried to be happy just being there.

"I really wish that they had a bigger autograph table and some more face painting." said Stephen Brooks from Portland, OR.

"The more beer I drink, the more entertaining this game gets." said Lucy Rander from Beaverton, OR.

"I actually don't remember more than five minutes of the game, mostly because I was talking to friends, running errands, taking care of the kid and getting food. To be fair, it sounds like I didn't miss anything." said Timothy Ponderson of Vancouver, WA.

"This game is just awful, but the crowd is great. I'm having a good time not having a good time. I'm very confused about this whole thing." said Barbara Hawthorne of Salem, OR.

While the Thorns may not have capitalized on the swell of numbers from the Women's World 
Cup, they did manage to obtain their participation ribbons on the night. 

"What we were able to prove is that we are equal to anyone of any gender here in Portland. At least off the field and in the stands, where I was. Just like Nationwide, it IS on your side. Have you thought about your insurance options today? You should look at Nationwide." said forward Alex Morgan.

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Kim Little of the Seattle Reign about the game and the crowd on Wednesday night and she had the following to say.

"Well, congratulations to them for getting such a big crowd. All I know is that I scored a goal and we won. We are 8 points clear of them and they are near the bottom. But they did have a great crowd, so they have that going for them.... which is nice."

 

Major League Soccer To Abandon Schedule For Season Of Friendlies

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today released a statement which announced that they would be abandoning the current schedule of MLS teams against MLS teams to have their franchises run 9 friendlies against different teams around the world for about 3 months during the summer.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Don Garber about the issue and he had the following to say,

"We realized that we could pull in 93,000 for LA Galaxy against Barcelona. We aren't getting 93,000 for LA Galaxy v Colorado Rapids so why not dispense with the competition mechanism of this season and just focus on making money."

Teams will now not travel at all during the season and instead will be visited by barnstorming teams from Europe and South America until the interest in these international teams dries up.

"We already are having teams like Paris Saint-Germain, Barcelona, Chelsea, Manchester United playing our clubs, and we have seen teams like Athletic Bilbao, Club Tijuana, and Club America playing in the United States as well. It only makes sense to just dispense with the machinations about the 'club season' and just get down to brass tacks. IE: Let's sell out some stadiums, sell some European merchandise and pack people in for a few months. If we really focus on making sure our product is decent enough to not lose 10-0, then we can really say that we are on the competitive level with the rest of the world."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this change as it happens.