Earthquakes Fan Starting To Think Team Isn't Making Playoffs

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Tanya Esposito attracted severe condemnation from her fellow fans as she expressed her reservations towards the Earthquakes playoff chances as they currently sit dead last in the Western Conference 24 points adrift from the final playoff spot with four games remaining.

You just gotta believe.

“I just don’t think we are going to make it this year,” stated Esposito in a Facebook post where she was slated for being a fair weather fan. “It seems like we aren’t a very good team this season and I think we are just going to play out the rest of the games and look towards 2019.”

According to new Facebook friend Dave Stewart, a man who friended Ms. Esposito after they met once at an Earthquakes watch party, there’s no room for this kind of thinking as there’s still, “plenty left to play for in the season.”

“You sound like all the other noob fans,” stated Mr. Stewart, an Earthquakes fan of the last three seasons. “Ready to give up when things aren’t going our way. We can still rebound and close out the season well. We finally got rid of Stahre and things are really going to come together.”

However, despite this wealth of fact based testimony given by Mr. Stewart, Ms. Esposito stated that she was still pretty certain that the Earthquakes weren’t going to make a playoff run as she indicated that math, of all things, bore her suspicious out.

“I just don’t think that there’s enough of the season left to make a charge or a change,” stated Ms. Esposito to a flurry of comments about her analytical ability.

The Nutmeg News will have more when this fake fan is drummed out of the stadium for not believing hard enough in her team.

Gold Cup Game At Soldier Field A Sign Of Possible MLS Expansion To Chicago

CHICAGO - According to insider sources with the league, the recent award of the Gold Cup final to Chicago is another sign of possible Major League Soccer (MLS) expansion to the windy city.

The Nutmeg News spoke to league officials who indicated that the recent uptick in soccer interest in Chicago shows a great sign of the future prospects of the league in the city.

“We want to be Chicago, I think everyone knows that,” stated Mark Abbot, President of Major League Soccer. “It’s important for us to have a place in the major cities that define this country and I think everyone with the league would welcome a Chicago team with open arms.”

According to soccer fans in Chicago, the issue is finding an ownership group that wishes to invest in a team as well as the political capital to build a stadium in the dense urban center of Chicago.

“We need someone with real willpower,” stated soccer fan Desmond Archer. “Someone who can bring quality soccer to Chicago and give us our first professional team. I feel like this is all slowly building to MLS in Chicago and I welcome the chance to have a team that I could call my own.”

According to league sources, an MLS team in Chicago would likely play their first season or two at the venerable Soldier Field before completion of a new stadium somewhere within the urban core.

“It’s important to us to be centralized,” stated Abbot to The Nutmeg News. “We need to be mixed into the character of the city and we need a passionate and invested ownership group to make this happen.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS looks at stadium sites in Altgeld Gardens.

Massive Advertising Blitz By US Soccer For 2018 US Open Cup To Start Thursday

CHICAGO - The governing body of United States Soccer announced that a massive advertising blitz aimed at increasing public awareness of the 2018 US Open Cup tournament would begin tomorrow on September 27th, 2018.

“We will have tweets, Instagram posts, Reddit AMAs, and a very long board meeting about a possible billboard in the Sacramento area,” stated CEO of US Soccer Dan Flynn. “We are planning to have a ticket giveaway for the final and we are planning on setting up future viewing parties for the game in soccer hotbeds.”

US Soccer has traditionally done virtually nothing other than a few last minute tweets to showcase one of the longest running tournaments in North American sports but it says that those days are at an end.

“We plan on really putting an effort into the US Open Cup tomorrow,” stated President Carlos Cordeiro. “It’s going to be a really big effort by everyone involved to get eyes on the US Open Cup final by any means necessary. We are planning a lot of vertical integration and brand penetration to bring the millennial market into scope and we expect that people will really tune into the final whenever that game is actually played.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an analytics expert raves about the twitter numbers and what that means for market penetration.

USL Announces New Intra-League Competition Called The Champions League

Tampa, FL - On a historic day for the evolution of soccer in North America, the United Soccer League (USL) unveiled a new structure and brand identity for an intra-league competition called The Champions League.

Here we see a mockup of what Preston North End Oklahoma Energy FC winning USL League 1 in the Sky Bet Play-Off Final at Wembley Midwest Taft Stadium would look like.

“Todays announcement comes at the dawn of an exciting new era of appropriation,” said USL CEO Alec Papadakis. “The USL spent the past eight years transforming our league to fit into the international landscape and what better way to do that then to create a TOTALLY ORIGINAL idea like the Champions League.”

Papadakis stated that teams from the Championship to League Two will play against each other in a home and away format before transitioning into a single elimination format.

“This is a completely revolutionary format for world football, er…. soccer,” stated Papadakis. “We are making our way the only way we know how. And you know what… At times? That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow. You know, I'm a good ol' boy You know my momma loves me. But much like our supporters, she don't understand they keep a showin' my hands, and not my face on TV .”

League insiders state that the USL will also be launching a intra-league competition called the USL Carabao Cup, as well as the Football Association US Open Cup, but for USL teams only.

“Our plan is to really find all the nuances that make the world’s game great and incorporate them into our league,” stated Papadakis.”We will have a transfer window reporter that does nothing but retweet spurious rumors about teams as well as another reporter who just responds to those tweets by saying they are completely unfounded. It’s going to be great.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL unveils an association with Pukka Pie and the England Band as official pie and songwriters of the league.

D.C. United Announce Renovations To Outdated Audi Field

WASHINGTON - D.C. United's ownership group headed up by CEO Jason Levien announced that the MLS Franchise signed a 2 year lease to allow United to play at Robert F. Kennedy Stadium while the team makes renovations and improvements to Audi Field. According to the D.C. United press release, “These efforts will bring needed modernization to United’s brand new obsolete stadium.”

This is how the stadium configuration will be changed to allow soccer to be played - artists rendering.

“We find it necessary to keep up the standard that our fans demand of us,” stated Levien to The Nutmeg News. “It’s important to ensure that D.C. United is keeping pace with other teams in the Major League Soccer. As such, we are embarking on a two year renovation of Audi Field in order to deliver a premier experience to our fans.”

Insiders with the MLS team state that Audi Field infrastructure such as that wall that no one can seem to figure out will be upgraded and fixed while the team plays for an increased capacity crowd at RFK Stadium.

“We are treating this as an event,” stated director of ticket sales, grounds-keeping supervisor, merchandise supervisor, player services liaison and recent new hire Henry Stewart. “We are hoping to pack the place, contact all our season ticket holders and really sell the experience and the oddity of D.C. United getting to play at the hallowed ground of Robert F. Kennedy stadium.”

Construction on the tottering edifice of Audi Field will begin during the 2018 off-season and it is expected that the construction will be complete around the 4th or 5th week of the 2021 season provided that there are absolutely zero delays or budget issues.

“We are going to add additional seats in the luxury suites, safe standing in the luxury suites, railings to prevent spectators falling down on top of each other in the luxury suites, and a new video board in the luxury suites,” stated Audi Field maintenance supervisor Delroy Lindgard. “The club is also adding a brand new bank of additional luxury suites that will ring the entire field. It is hoped that the new luxury suites and butler service will change the overall feel of the stadium to a more cozy and energetic atmosphere.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans prepare themselves for the pre-construction renderings and price increases.

New Youth Soccer Coach Hopes Wide Receivers Can Run Proper Fly Route

Hopkinsville, KY - David Hastings, the new youth soccer coach for the Bluegrass United boys and girls U-12 teams, stated that he hopes that the wide receivers on his team can run a proper fly route as he took his teams through practice for the first time this year.

“You boys better know how to block and what we are going to do is run through some conditioning drills,” stated Hastings to the collected teams.

Hastings started the boys and girls teams on a conditioning regiment that involved running wind sprints and working on fitness as he stated, “If we can run our opponents into the ground, we can win the battle on the field.”

Parents state that Hastings sent an email to parents asking for any assistant coaches with an experience in soccer or youth sports who could help by being his eyes and ears while implementing his mandates of physical fitness he expects to create a culture of winners.

“I have experience watching games in England,” stated father Tom Williams. “So, I volunteered to help our kids get ready for the season. I’m watching a lot of Youtube clips of the United States under Bruce Arenas to really get that idea of tactical nous and athletic endeavor that I need to instill in these boys. We need to play the American way with a lot of hustle and work.”

Hastings, for his part, plans to implement his long experience in conditioning drills for Pop Warner football into the regiment for his soccer teams as he complained about soccer’s culture of creating, “wusses who dive on the field and buy into that fake concussion bullshit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings has his team working on their 40 yard dash speed.

Fans Start GoFundMe To Purchase Snorkels For North Carolina Courage

Cary, NC - After an interview with Courage head coach Paul Riley where he stated his attitude on Hurricane Florence was, “We have spoken about it very little. We would play in a supermarket parking lot if we had to,” fans of the North Carolina Courage started a GoFundMe to purchase snorkels for the team in case the torrential rains flood the Courage facility.

“It’s important for our team to have an advantage over the Chicago Red Stars,” stated Courage fan Rebecca Kruse. “We are purchasing the highest quality snorkels we can for the team.”

According to team representatives, they do not have enough money to purchase snorkels for the entire team as they rely on fan donations to outfit the entirety of the team.

“We were told that, due to NCAA rules, we are actually unable to outfit Tori Hansen or Julia Aronov if the team had to call them up so we are hoping there isn’t some kind of emergency that would entail them playing,” stated Kruse to The Nutmeg News. “The NCAA said that they would just have to purchase their own snorkels or just die in the flood to keep their eligibility. Either/Or.”

With tensions surrounding the game at an all time high, owner Stephen Malik took time out of ignoring the problem to state, “We do not need snorkels. God will prevent this field from flooding. Rain will not touch us. We are above rain.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paul Riley enforces a new training technique of having the team hold their breath during shooting drills.

Quick Skim Of "Inverting The Pyramid" Has New Expert Ready To Talk Tactics

Knoxville, TN - A quick skim of Inverting The Pyramid has John Jamison, a new formations and historical soccer expert, ready to talk tactics with all the soccer fans in his local area as he prowled the internet for places to exercise his prodigious knowledge of the game.

“I know the…. um…,”

Mr. Jamison quickly opened the book to a tab

“Yeah, I know the WM formation and the history and you know… like that Hungary coffee shop shit. Who wants to talk tactics!”

Mr. Jamison quickly made a name for himself on forums connected to the United States Men’s National Team with his seemingly sophisticated analysis of current tactical trends implemented by interim head coach Dave Sarachan which really was just cribbed ideas that he lifted from Jonathan Wilson and appropriated to a specific game.

“Yes, indeed,” Mr Jamison said sagaciously as he re-watched a youtube clips from a German first division game from 1993 that he found on youtube. “I can completely see the total arc and evolution of the false 9 from this simple highlight.”

Friends say that Jamison’s usual sanctimony has gone through the roof after reading Mr Wilson’s book on tactical innovation through the years, but that he was fine as long as you don’t talk about soccer.

“It’s like John has gone all in with being a gluten free vegan crossfit advocate,” stated good friend Brad Halloway. “We don’t talk about soccer and he doesn’t ask me about my hentai addiction. Win/Win.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Jamison decides that the world NEEDS a blog and twitter account and a youtube account regarding his particular insights into international tactics.

NWSL Offer Hurricane Florence Position As Commissioner Of League

Cary, NC - The National Women’s Soccer League reportedly sent two unpaid player representatives in a flimsy row boat out into the Atlantic Ocean in order to offer Hurricane Florence the position of Commissioner of the NWSL.

“Even I think that Sky Blue hasn’t done enough for their players.” — Hurricane Florence

“We are committed to diversity and committed to new ideas,” stated NWSL executive Amanda Duffy. “As such, we feel that our long non-search is over. We are ready to extend an offer to Hurricane Florence to be commissioner of the NWSL.”

League insiders indicate that the NWSL is bullish on Ms. Florence due to the unprecedented amount of publicity the storm is generating in the news, recently.

“The NWSL wants publicity and what better way to get publicity than appointing a natural disaster as your Commissioner,” stated one anonymous source. “It’s like when the Galaxy hired Alexi Lalas. It’s probably going to fail miserably, but everyone will be talking about it while it does.”

The Nutmeg News reached out for comment to Hurricane Florence but was unable to receive a response from her representatives.

Imprisoned 5 year Old Mexican Boy Hasn't Decided Whether He Will Commit To The United States Men's Soccer Team

McAllen, TX - According to his ICE assigned prison interpreter, Jose Gonzalez (5) of Juarez has not committed to playing soccer for the United States as, instead, he wept for his father and mother.

Sources indicate that US Soccer Federation President Carlos Cordeiro and head scout Thomas Rongen visited Gonzalez in the Child Detention Facility in McAllen Texas where Gonzalez has been held for the past 4 months after being forcefully separated from his family by the United States government.

“This new generation of youth prospect is something we cannot afford to overlook,” stated Cordeiro to the gathered prison guards. “We must DO something for these youths other than just reuniting them with their families.”

Fans of the USMNT state that they cannot believe that Gonzalez hasn’t already declared for the United States calling him an ungrateful and petulant child.

“How dare he come into the United States and not want to play for this country,” stated USMNT fan Brody Smith. “We shouldn’t let him out of his government mandated pen until he commits. You don’t come here at five years old, take my job, and not play for my soccer team. Hell, he doesn’t need family, and he doesn’t need heritage. What he needs to do is get better at soccer so he can play against Mexico later and beat them so I can taunt Felipe at the Taco truck because he claims he is Guatemalan but he definitely LOOKS like a Mexican.”

The Nutmeg News also spoke with ICE detention facility director and soccer fan Paul Brown who stated, “The subtle weeping going on in the detention facility every night tells me that we are creating a goldmine of future soccer talent. At least one of these imprisoned youths will utilize this horrible period of suffering and anguish in their lives to become great. The United States should call a few of them up, just in case they turn out to be good at soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as SB Nation sends down an unpaid blogger to write a story about how future stars are being developed.

Singing Supporter Needs To Pick An Octave And Stick With It

NEW YORK - Fans in section 236 praise TIm Wellingsly, a New York City FC supporter, for his ability to start songs but they claim that he needs to pick an octave and stick with it after attempting three different songs in three different keys during the recent game at home.

"GOD DAMMIT TIM," stated supporter John Kim as he attempted to span the range that Mr Wellingsly was utilizing to belt out songs with reckless abandon. "I'm not spending the entire game pitch shifting."

According to people in the area who actually know something about music, Mr. Wellingsly is known for starting songs in an almost unapproachable Tenor C5 then modulating down during the song to a Baritone A4 before modulating again down to a Bass C2 and then starting another song in almost a Countertenor High E5 before realizing he can't sustain the pitch as he drifts into falsetto and stops to catch his breath.

"What KEY IS THIS IN, TIM....?! WHAT KEY IS THIS IN?! DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN YOU CANT START A SONG THIS HIGH.... I've sung Karaoke with people who have better instincts," ranted David Smith from Queens.

"I can't keep up with this shit," stated Rosalyn Sanchez from Bed Stuy. "He always picks a key that I can't sing so I've just started ignoring him and singing in the key that works for me. At this point, it's the only way forward for anyone that stands around him."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Wellingsly starts another song in a pitch so high that it results in everyone singling in their low end range and the song not taking off because no one can understand what anyone is singing.

Supporter Hopes To Carve Out Space In Section For His Own Brand Of Sit Down, No Flag, No Singing, Non-Participatory Support

Portland, OR - Timbers fan David Hughes stated that he hoped to carve out space in the Timbers Army for his own brand of sit down, no flags, no singing, non-participatory form of soccer support as his time on the season ticket waitlist for Timbers Army tickets comes to a close.

"I have one of the early appointment times," stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. "I'm guaranteed to get Timbers Army tickets this year and I plan on sculpting my experience in the Timbers Army to be the kind of soccer support I want to see on a regular basis."

Hughes indicated that he originally specified Timbers Army tickets because they were among the least expensive options in the stadium, but that his long term goal is to support how he wants to support without pressure or judgment from anyone around him.

"They say that if you want to be Timbers Army then you already are," stated Hughes. "So I want to be Timbers Army, but I also want to sit, not sing, not wave flags and not have my view blocked for the game. I don't want any capos or fans to harass me about my choices. This is my form of support and I don't want the view I paid good money to receive to be blocked because someone has an erudite two-pole for a player based on an old German synth album."

Friends state that Hughes is absolutely in the right as they just want the bullying to end over his views.

"He has just as much a right as anyone else in the stadium to dictate exactly how he supports," stated good friend Nancy Davis. "If he wants to support the boys by not participating and sitting, then he should be commended for his courage. I'm not a fan of all these bullies claiming that he has to participate. I don't understand why they think that you need to only do things their way. There should be a place in the Timbers Army for people who don't want to participate and just want to sit down, surf the internet for a bit, and not have their view blocked."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes claims he will not delete his twitter account in light of the targeted harassment he is getting for his views.

New England Revolution Ready To Play 10th Consecutive Must Win Game

Foxborough, MA - The New England revolution announced on Tuesday that they were ready to play their 10th consecutive, "must win," game on Wednesday evening against New York City Football Club (NYCFC).

Yes, what IS up with that?

"We are ready, we will prevail," stated Revolution head coach Brad Friedel for the 10th consecutive pre-game interview. "This is a must win game. It has to be. It is as much a must win game as the must win game against Portland, Philadelphia, D.C., Philadelphia again, Orlando, New York, Minnesota, the Galaxy, and Seattle. It is VERY must win."

Fans stated that they were ready for another must win as the epic edging from waiting for the culmination of all these must win games is leading to intoxicated and frustrated fans waiting for a release.

"THIS. IS. MUST. WIN. MADNESS," stated Cory Delbrook of Boston, Ma. "We must win the must win if we must win all our winnable must win games. This is so easy. We .... must....... MUST win."

Coach Friedel stated that if the Revolution fail to win this game against NYCFC that it will only highlight the must win nature of their upcoming game against Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC).

"This game is a must win, but the game against LAFC is also a must win. This is must win time. We must win. After all, we won't be mathematically eliminated from playoff contention until the final game of the season. It's all to play for!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Friedel prepares for a must win resume update.