Major League Soccer Announces Additional Stoppage Time For Columbus V Red Bull New York

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) has announced additional stoppage time for the Columbus Crew v Red Bull New York game with the announcement that the game will be resumed on Thursday, December 3rd 2015. 

The next addition of time will just be an infinity symbol. 

The press office of MLS announced that the amount of stoppage time in the renewed game will be equal to the amount of time it takes for New York to score enough goals to progress in the game to MLS Cup so that they can get a big market team into the final.

"As god is our witness, this game isn't over til New York makes it." stated an angry Don Garber to shocked witnesses at the Hooters on 155 W 33rd Street for the Major League Soccer Latino of the Hour banquet. "We WILL have a big market in this final or we won't have a final. I can guarantee you that this current result will not stand."

Reportedly players have been told to prepare themselves for the extra-extra time by fueling up on orange wedges and Sunny-D. "You fellas better be ready, because you are all going to play until New York wins." said president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer determines whether it is actually worth rewarding the Hunt's ownership of FC Dallas enough to replay the Timbers versus Dallas game.

Timbers Fans Can't Wait To Become The Most Insufferable Fan Base In Major League Soccer

Portland, OR - Timbers fans across the United States have reportedly stated that they can't wait to become the most insufferable fan base in the league if they win the 2015 Major League Soccer Cup on Sunday December 6th.

Let's sing another song about ourselves!

"If we win it is going to be the most obnoxious and copious amount of circle jerking that you have ever seen in your life" said Timbers fan Kelly Sanders. "We are going to flood every form of social media with our self proclaimed greatness and it is going to make our current constant circle jerk over our crowd and passion seem like child's play."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Timbers fan Noelle Brigham about this condition, "You think we are bad now? Just wait til we win the cup. Oh man... oh man.... It's going to be great. Our 'we are the Timbers and we are the best' mentality is going to just be so over the top that it will be impossible to escape. We might even throw a celebration for ourselves and the major victory that we obtained. We don't even need the team there to celebrate."

TNN reporters also spoke with Harold Dubois of Gresham about this phenomenon and he had the following to say, "For 40 years we have only ever had the greatness of our crowd and fans to talk about. Now just imagine adding in a trophy and having the best team in the league. My god. The blowback from this will be amazing. Our tifo celebrating our self will be epic. The 107ist already invited Major League Soccer to make a video about our bureaucracy that leads to our tifo displays with the video crew planning on making a long form documentary about the planning committee talking to the design committee about making a financial appropriation that leads to a tifo display. Expect this 30 minute documentary to be shot in 4k standard and available to download with the proceeds being donated to a local charity that helps children cope with the loss of their pets. We also have a reporter from the Guardian writing a column on the charity and the film and the tifo, as well, giving us four way coverage of the whole affair."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens regardless of the win or not.

Sounders Fan Loudly Assures Anyone That Will Listen That He Doesn't Care About MLS Cup

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Thomas Heartford has loudly and publicly declared on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and even Snapchat that he doesn't care about Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup or the two teams that are playing in that game.

"GOD, I JUST DON'T  CARE. I DON'T CARE. I REALLY DON'T."

"I DON'T CARE," said Mr. Heartford repeatedly to everyone that would listen. "I seriously don't care. The season ended a long time ago. I'm looking into the players we are going to keep, the players we are going to let go and another year of Sigi at the helm. I don't care."

"I'm not sure why he is so defensive," said girlfriend Jasmine Delecroix. "I just said good morning to him on Monday and he screamed, 'I DON'T CARE' before he apologized." 

While friends say that this is likely a coping mechanism by Mr. Heartford he stuck to his guns repeating, "I still don't care. I DON'T. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I DON'T CARE."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Mr. Heartford as he plans a litany of taunts provided that Columbus wins MLS Cup.

David Beckham Plans Floating Stadium Built From Allocation Money On Coastline

Miami, FL - David Beckham, owner of the Miami MLS Franchise that may or may not happen, has announced that he has new plans to build a stadium on the coastline of Miami atop a floating bundle of spent allocation money originally given to Chivas USA.

This is definitely a picture of SOMETHING, although no one really knows what these images mean.

"This is the only way we are getting even close to Miami" said a chastened Beckham to investors on Monday. "We need a floating island made of allocation money and we need it now."

Reportedly, Beckham attempted to knock down a children's orphanage, a church, a funeral home, and a historical graveyard in order to get the stadium built but was unable to somehow secure the approval of the Miami city council who stated, "We need more of a dance club atmosphere with bottle service to allow such a raze of our cities vital infrastructure."

Beckham has announced that he expects the denizens of Miami to pay for a stadium for a sport that most don't care about in a spot most won't visit for a team that no one knows anything about, because people should care about soccer.

"ITS A REALLY BIG DEAL," said Beckham from London via his publicity handlers on the ground in New York City. "I just don't really understand why this is not working out, but I'll throw more money at it and we will get that floating island built with a high taxpayer burden as soon as possible."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the new Miami franchise relocates to New York City to become New York City Barcelona FC.

LA Galaxy Preparing for 2015 MLS Cup Finals vs NYCFC

LOS ANGELES - With only two weeks remaining until the 2015 MLS finals, LA Galaxy and NYCFC are both working hard to prepare their teams to square off for the final game of the year. We met with Bruce Arena at the StubHub Center on the DraftKings Pitch sponsored by Amway to discuss their successes so far and the challenges LA faces going forward.

Leaked publicity still from Major League Soccer

“We’re still in shock after the amazing Western Conference Championship match between us and the Seattle Sounders,” says Arena. “That 93’ goal from Steven Gerrard to give us the 3-2 lead and ultimately the win justified everything we paid to bring him here. Truly we can say that Gerrard is the key to all of our team’s success in 2015. We need to focus on how well we’ve played all year and how well we’ve done in the playoffs so far.”

We then asked what his plan is for the final match with NYCFC. “NYCFC has not only had a decade of dominance in MLS, it has secured its place as one of the most prestigious clubs in the world. We are coming in at a distant second place, but we plan to give them a fight and are hoping for an upset. Lampard? Pirlo? These are players at the top of their game that could play for any club anywhere in the world but they chose NYCFC because of how amazing that team is. We’re going to be hard pressed to beat them.”

We then asked him about some recent messages on Twitter that have suggested that some fans remembered other teams vying for the finals, possibly Dallas or the other New York team.

After a slight pause he removed a letter from his pocket and read from it. “Don Garber has stated that LA has always been up against NYCFC for the 2015 finals and hopes that we will all enjoy this legendary match.”

When asked about  this miracle occurance that landed LA Galaxy and NYCFC in the MLS Cup Final, Major League Soccer issued a non-comment and closed the door on our reporter.

Dramatization of theoretically real events involving a Don.

The Nutmeg News will have more news on this when Cosmo's head shows up in Coach Viera's bed.

FC Dallas to Petition MLS To Change Name To FC Dallas Cowboys And To Play Game On Thanksgiving

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas have reportedly petitioned Major League Soccer to change their name to FC Dallas Cowboys and to have their playoff game against the Portland Timbers be on Thanksgiving.

It's T.I.F.O which stands for Thanksgiving Informational Front Office display.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Dallas Morning News editor Ramon Prandella about this petition and he had the following to say, "GOD. SOCCER. I DON'T CARE!"

Reportedly, FC Dallas have done this at a desperate bid for relevancy in their local market as according to a local researcher of Dallas sports culture, "Nobody knows what the hell is going on. Over 30% of fans at FC Dallas games think they are at a Sidekicks game and wonder why they are outside. They keep on asking where Tatu is in the lineup."

Dallas Legend!

"Good god anything we can do to be associated the Cowboys brand will be great for us" said FC Dallas CEO Clark Hunt. "The only way we are going to have market penetration is to glom onto the massive public relations beast known as the Cowboys. We are in talks to find a way to get on that Greg Hardy never ending publicity circle jerk without the whole beating your wife escapade. We are thinking of framing up Ryan Hollingshead as protesting at an abortion clinic or something to get the fundamentalists on board. Look we will do anything... ANYTHING to get on board this Cowboys bandwagon."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the FC Dallas Cowboys pursue their next name change to FC Dallas Mavericks Sidekicks.

Promotion and Relegation Zealots Expand Into Door To Door Outreach

"Have you heard the gospel of our prophet Ted" exclaimed promotion and relegation advocate Stephan Naismund to a random stranger in Pittsburgh on November 23rd.

This holiday season marks the beginning of the new outreach program by soccer advocates who religiously preach about the benefits of promotion and relegation to everyone who really just doesn't want to hear about it at all times.

"Our list of soccer leagues in a properly organized and open system has no judgment if you frequently look at risque pictures of Sydney Leroux!"

The Nutmeg News spoke to director of social outreach and Jimmy John's franchise employee Yancey Restretto. "It became important to us to ensure that our message reached out to not only people who talk about promotion and relegation and American soccer online, but as well to random strangers at their doorway when the baby is freaking out and the dog is barking. We understand that in order for you to fully grasp what we believe that we must train and send our finest orators in order to indoctrinate you into our cause and solicit donations for a bi-plane that will fly over MLS Cup with the words 'promotion and relegation now! you rat faced bastards'. These things and more are why you must understand the true gospel of our prophet Ted."

True to the words of Mr Restretto, the P&R Foundation has started training missionaries to spread the gospel of a united open soccer pyramid here and there across neighborhoods that are deemed "full of the infidel".

TNN Reporters spoke with Missionary Paul Davidson about his views on the apostate MLS fans.

"Those who shelter themselves within the cloister of the devil and his closed system of play will never taste the full fruit of freedom" said Mr Davidson at a Subway in downtown Denver. "For the infidel will burn in his heresy and therefore we will spread our seed out in a manner that will cause the closed minded sheeple to finally rise up and overthrow their masters and break the shackles of inequity that blindfold them against the tyranny of the few. The heretics must burn! Or at least they must admit that it would be totes cool to watch the Chicago Fire play against the Rochester Rhinos in the NPSL in front of 10 people."

While the list of cliche statements abound, Mr Davidson had one more thing to say regarding the suggested heretics.

"REPENT YE HERETICS LEST YE WATCH COLUMBUS VERSUS NEW YORK WITHOUT REALIZING THAT IT IS LOWER LEVEL STUFF THAT WOULD BE BETTER IF THERE WAS AN OPEN SYSTEM. BURN IN THE FIRES OF THEORETICAL HELLFIRE"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Promotion and Relegation advocates work in conjunction with the Rand Corporation to flyer neighborhoods about Fluoridation and European soccer.

Victory Makes Timbers Fan Forget How Much He Hates That Guy In Section 105

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Drew Godfried admitted that the recent victory over FC Dallas has made him completely forget how much he hates James Barrett that always stands over in Timbers Army section 105.

"Yeah, you can see him right there.... It just makes my blood boil, what a DICK!" - Drew Godfried

"Goddamn do I hate that dude" said Godfried out loud when he realized that the euphoria of the win had managed to break his cold outer shell towards the collection of fans that he sometimes loathes. 

"I also hate that guy that always stands towards the front of 103. What a dick, but man wasn't that Asprilla goal amazing!" 

Friends of Mr Godfried stated that he seemed in an unusually chipper mood on Monday and they attributed that to the bitter poison of his enmity with the people that make up the fan-base for his team seeping away into the vast ether of life immemorial after a particularly delightful win for the hometown club.

"He was definitely less ranty this morning" said  Daryl Jefferson of Tigard, Mr Godfried's boyfriend of 5 years. "Hopefully this win will keep him from continuing to complain about the people that seem to piss him off every time he goes to the stadium. It's a wonder that he uses his twitter account for any positivism at all instead of just endlessly harping on stupid petty bullshit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Godfried finds a way to focus back in on his enmity of Mr Barrett during the week in which he waits for the Portland Timbers to play FC Dallas away.

Red Bull New York Fan Finds Happiness In Return To Disappointment

NEW YORK - Zachary Ailes, a  long time Red Bull New York (RBNY) fan, has admitted that he is finding solace in the return to the disappointment that the team has typically given him in the past.

A return to crushing disappointment

"I wasn't comfortable with all this winning and trophies we have had over the past few years," said Ailes to his friends on Sunday night as he attempted to drown his sorrows. "People may want to pretend that everything was finally going well and that the team had turned a corner but it is comforting to know that everything is currently still how it has been for the past 20 seasons. I mean, that was a vintage Metro in the playoffs performance and it honestly feels comforting."

Friends of Mr Ailes, that he brought on board in the last three seasons, were reportedly crushed by the first round playoff loss, but Mr Ailes stated, "Get used to it guys. I could tell you stories that would make you stop following this team and never look back. Hell, just the story about using Metro versus Red Bull in our songs is a nuanced one, much less about our inability to get the job done in the playoffs. Either way we have another game for Red Bull to crap away and hopefully we will get a chance to really have another eventful offseason because I'm absolutely certain that is what all the fans want. Maybe we will even get another coach firing! Now THAT would be so Metro."
 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Jesse Marsch gets a vote of confidence in the first week of December.

NPSL Fan Does Deep Dive Into Statistics To Figure Out If Don Garber Insulted Chattanooga

Nashville, TN - National Premier Soccer League fan and Nashville FC fan Drew Harrod took a deep dive into city statistics, average attendance, per capita consumption of soccer and overall metroplex support on Thursday night in order to figure out whether Don Garber insulted Chattanooga FC or not.

"This is the only pyramid I support. My own."

"I have to figure out if that was an insult, an accurate statement or perhaps a combination of the both," said Mr Harrod online to a collection of anonymous strangers that really didn't give two shits about Commissioner Garber's statements until they realized how much fun it was to use it as a vehicle for attacks on the league. "If he was talking about an average attendance over the course of a year than we could say that he was speaking accurately."

Chattanooga native and soccer fan Wes Turnbull was incredulous at this, "Of course it is a dig. It doesn't matter whether the statistics were right or wrong, the commissioner of another league being a prick to a city for really no reason what so ever doesn't need to be accepted if he got the statistics moderately right. He is just being a dick!"

However, Mr Harrod didn't see it that way as he stated, "Well, if his statistics are right then he was merely illuminating the situation for all of us to see. After all, if the statistics and data show that you are indeed a shit city, a shit team playing on a shit field in front a shit crowd with no money then you should be mocked relentlessly by everyone. Garber was just getting out in front of that train. I'm going to now look through city planning records and compare the growth of the urban core to that of Salt Lake to give some kind of data point to the idea of MLS expansion and the overall shit ability of your team. At this point that will help me determine if Garber's comments are 100% correct, which they likely are, at which point you all should stop whining because if a persons statistics are correct they can be a complete ass all the time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this at the next comment period by Don Garber.

Chicago Fire Desperately Trying To Win Race For Bottom

CHICAGO - After a long, disappointing season full of acrimony on and off the field, the Chicago Fire are attempting to finally win something by having the most explosive offseason of the year.

Don't answer your door, Brian.... DONT ANSWER YOUR DOOR!

The Chicago Fire managed to fire nearly every single person on the roster today as they attempted to salvage the remaining part of 2015 by being able to spend December making "Staff Addition" announcements.

Calls to the Chicago Fire front office were not returned as the staff there has been let go. However a note taped to the door stated, "Those responsible for everything have been fired. Except for the glorious owner. May god shine his great provenance upon his ass-cheeks"

The Nutmeg News will have more on THE PURGE as it ramps up again in 2017.

Desperate Rush To Use "Chicago Dumpster Fire" Overwhelms Internet

INTERNET - Bloggers, reporters and hot-take enthusiasts quickly rushed to their keyboards to attempt to be the first ones to utilize the words "Chicago Dumpster Fire" before the play on words was completely fucked out.

One man's dumpster fire is another man's open top conex fire.

"I just had to do it" said Melissa Sugarman of Dayton, Ohio. "It was sitting right there for my twitter account," she said as she typed into twitter "Chicago Fire, more like Chicago Dumpster Fire." Reportedly Ms Sugarman thought about also using "Chicago Fire, not so hot." and "Chicago Fire? Going Up In Flames".

"I just went with the standard. I'm a busy woman and I only have a few minutes in my day to be on twitter. This was a gut decision." said Ms Sugarman as she got on to her fourth conference call of the day that Jenny her executive assistant put together because she forgot about the time constraints of the Deloit deal. C'mon Jenny, get your scheduling of her day together. She has things to do and she needs to go meet friends at The Century Bar for some bourbon around 8:00 pm. GET IT TOGETHER.

Fans of the Chicago Fire were not immune to using word play to describe their desperation but most of this revolved around the fact that no one has been paying attention except them for the last 2 years. 

"C'mon people, We have been beating this drum savagely all year." said Jerrod Dombravsky of Chicago. "We've been on this dumpster fire word play and extinguished and nearly every other turn of phrase since Hauptman spread his wings over our organization and tried to take a dump."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Chicago Fire in about 10 minutes.

Red Bull Arena Announces Playoff Sell Out

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) have announced that they have sold out all the tickets available for the Eastern Conference Final against the Columbus Crew on the 29th of November.

However, officials state, "We are proactively working with the people who already have purchased playoff tickets to get them to show up."

Mostly Full Is Partially Empty, But All Dead is... wait... what's the Princess Bride quote?

Director of Ticketing and amateur Birder still in search of the Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, David Henderson, spoke to The Nutmeg News (TNN) on Thursday morning about the issue. "We don't have a problem selling tickets, but we would like those that buy tickets to actually show up for this game. I don't believe it to be a problem given the importance of the game but I feel like we should reiterate. Theoretical sell-out be damned, please show up to the game, before the game kicks off."

Red Bull representatives have been working with ticket representatives from the Columbus Crew to better fill both stadiums to capacity for these games as both teams play a style that deserves to have a full stadium watching them.

"It's simple. If you bought a ticket to this game, for the love of god show up on time" said Mr Henderson.

Woman Refuses To Read Player Profile, "I Don't Want To Like Him"

WASHINGTON - DC United fan Laura Halvorson has admitted that she refused to read the recent New York Daily News player profile piece on Matt Miazga because, "I don't want to like him"

DAMMIT, MATT. Why you gotta be so dreamy!?

"I refuse to cater to anything that would allow my opinion to be swayed in a positive light about any of those assholes" said Halvorson to her friends on Tuesday night. "Screw Miazga, screw McCarty, screw Robles, and screw all those guys who play for that team or all the players that ever will." 

With Mizaga's story one of a quick rise from an interesting background, friends of Ms Halvorson thought that she would be interested in that regardless of her team affiliation.

"Hell no, get the fuck out of here with that." said Ms Halvorson, quickly showing her distate of the subject matter. "I don't want to like him!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Halvorson develops a rooting interest in an international player only to have them get picked up by Red Bull New York during the offseason.

Canadian Uncomfortable With National Team Playing Well

Toronto, ON - Canadian Men's National Team (CMNT) fan Stuart Hamilton has admitted that he is incredibly uncomfortable with the way in which the national team is currently playing.

Everyone here needs to freak out RIGHT NOW.

"They are playing well and getting results." said Hamilton to a Nutmeg News reporter on Wednesday. "This is really not great for me because I've become so accustomed to the perpetual heaving dumpster fire that is Men's Canadian Soccer that I'm incapable of correctly processing a capable team at this point."

With some of his friends disappointed in the recent result, Mr Hamilton ranted, "They just won and tied a game and you are disappointed? Do you remember how this went the last time around? Or the time before that? Mats Sundin help me find the inner peace to deal with this! Were any of you born the last time Canada made a world cup? NO? Do you even remember what it felt like to finish 11th out of 12 teams in 2013 at the Gold Cup? NO? SHUT THE HELL UP and be extremely nervous for the rest of the year!"

When asked what Mr Hamilton would do if the national team made the world cup, he stated "FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Imma party like it is 1986 all over again!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hamilton puts on his lucky acid washed jeans and tries to find a copy of Berlin's Take My Breath Away.

Person With Zero Influence Has Fool Proof Plan To Remove Jurgen Klinsmann As Coach

INTERNET - Reddit user TwerkLongHours recently stated, on the social media site subgroup R/MLS, that they have a fool proof way to remove Jurgen Klinsmann as manager of the United States National Team.

"Straaaaaaaaaaangers in the night........exchanging glances
Wond'ring in the night....... what were the chances
We'd be sharing love before the night was through"

"C'mon Bros! We can do this!" the post stated indicating a faint soupçon of the milieu of the North American Bro that includes tremendous fortitude and the pulsing nature of wild untapped potential. "Like, we need like a petition or a plane or something" continued the post showing that indeed these bros did have a plan worth following.

The responses varied from the sarcastic to the disrespectful but un-phased, TwerkLongHours continued on their quixotic quest to rile up the user base of Reddit into a frenzy that would lead to the long awaited revolution, coaching change, and world cup win for the United States.

"He doesn't know what he is doing, like AT all," continued TwerkLongHours before logging onto Change.org in an attempt to get a petition started. "This will finally once and for all solve the problem. This with frequent and repetitive complaining online. He will be gone tomorrow!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TwerkLongHours creates a Klinsmann parody Reddit account before it gets banned after one post.

Indiana Man Can Only Remember Three Of The Four MLS Playoff Teams

Jasper, IN - William (Billy) Connel admitted that he just honestly can't remember all the teams left in the MLS Playoffs.

I know it isn't Chicago, of that I'm pretty much certain.

Mr. Connel was called out by his friends as being a complete and utter moron after he trailed off mid conversation while stating, "Yeah with New York and... um.... Dallas and um.... P...Port...Land?" and then running away to get more beer and dip.

"I just can't remember, It was last month, I've been busy, I've been working, I've got things to do, I had to balance my check book, I've got some serious things to think about. At this point, I'm more concerned about my fantasy team and whether I can con my league into giving me bonus points for Cam Newton's lambada or whatever the hell that was." stated a clearly fucking stupid Mr Connel.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when he remembers that it is Orlando.

Nation United In Effort Of Continuing To Give Separate Soccer TV Ratings For Spanish And English

The nation of the United States of America announced their continuing effort at splitting the Spanish and English language television ratings for soccer to subtly indicate that Spanish language fans are not considered American enough to count as one rating with their English language counterparts.

Well, it may be separate but at least they are equally on the same graph, right?

"What we have here is an importance at continuing the institution of reporting the ratings like 150k Fox Sports 1 followed by nothing for a few hours on twitter and then someone will pipe up with 300k on Univision or wherever the hell those folks watch their soccer" said director of the Neilsen Media Research group Harold Stubens. "We ensure that when the ratings come out that they come out separately, otherwise what is the point of measuring statistics. Honestly, I blame you people out there, the American public, for not acknowledging that your friends and neighbors that watch the game in Spanish contribute as much to the popularity of the game in North America as your English speaking friends."

While some say this may just be incidental reporting for this situation, others blame the fact that many people in America speak Spanish and according to Little Rock, AR native Jimmy Holland, "They should learn to speak English so our MLS ratings will go up on FOX, otherwise soccer will never be big in this country. Who cares what they watch on that Univision? It's a big enough problem that I gotta watch it every once in a while when there is a game, and I'm hunting all over for that SAP button."  

Mr. Holland took a swig of Budweiser and continued, "We gotta be like that Trump fella and Make Soccer Great again so that I can turn to English language websites for English language ratings and watch games on English channels without having to figure out what they are saying. Let's make soccer great again like when we had L-DO jamming up them Mexicans in the Gold Cup and we was winning world cups left and right! MURICA!"

Reporter James Abraham of the Philadelphia Ambassador Daily News had the following to say, "It isn't that I don't care about Spanish language soccer ratings, it is that the Spanish language ratings aren't relevant to me. I talk English speaking soccer with English speaking people and I don't care what the Univision ratings are. As far as I know all Spanish speaking people love MLS and the World Cup, so getting them on board won't help television ratings at all."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US bands together to protect its Neilsen ratings.

Anti-Refugee Loudmouth Buys Darlington Nagbe US Kit

Biloxi, MS - Anti-Refugee loudmouth and US Soccer fan David Kovalich has admitted that he recently purchased a Darlington Nagbe United States kit as Kovalich stated, "I think he is going to become my favorite new player on the team."

Are you sure he isn't here to implement Sharia law?

Kovalich was reportedly either unaware of the irony of this or just didn't care as he continued to state, "We can't let those filthy Islamic refugees into our country. They are here to destroy us from the inside and ruin our moral fiber" before fist pumping as he looked at Instagram pictures of Liberian refugee Nagbe and Polish-American Matt Miazga debuting for the United States national team.

"These guys are fine" said Kovalich. "It's the guys I don't like. Which are Muslims that look like the cartoons I imagine them as, with the blowing up of stuff and what not." 

Kovalich was also unaware of the long history of the United States and specifically the United States National Soccer team as a melting pot accepting all nationalities and all immigrants with the inclination and the wherewithal to play soccer including some that weren't even United States citizens like Joe Gaetjens. 

He definitely came over to infiltrate the United States with Hatian values.

"I just want to build a wall to keep out all the non-nationals that are going to destroy our country with Islam" said Kovalich on his facebook page while simultaneously uploading a picture of his new Nagbe kit purchase. "They can just go back to their home countries, except Darlington. He can stay. All the rest of them can go back though. We need more All-American kids like Gyasi Zardes," said the moronic Kovalich who was unaware of the Ghanian heritage of Zardes and his family.

The Nutmeg News will have more coverage on this because there apparently will always exist "the fear" within people that allows them to condemn refugees and immigrants to live with death while simultaneously blaming them for all the ills of the world.

Just Like Suffering Erectile Dysfunction, Winning An MLS Cup Championship Only Strikes One In Four

Despite there only being one winner, fans of the four teams left in the MLS Cup playoffs somehow all think that their team is going to win defying the very nature of having a championship competition. The Nutmeg News spoke to MLS Statistician and lead Sociologist Dr. Mary Clerk about this phenomenon.

"I have researched the subject and there really can be only one winner of MLS Cup" said Dr Clerk to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "Clearly some of these fans are absolutely deluded about their chance at winning the final. This is much like Erectile Dysfunction. We know that it hits one in four men, but it seems that all men are so preoccupied with their penis that they lack the ability to understand that it is only affecting their neighbor Claude."

If playoffs last more than four months, call your soccer representative.

Despite this critical information, fans of all four teams forged ahead in their belief that their team is the anointed one team that will raise the Major League Soccer Philip "I hate the gays" Anschutz Trophy at the end of the year. The Nutmeg News spoke with four fans from the four teams remaining who all had the following to say.

"We are the best" said deluded Timbers fan Harold Schmidt "I know it."

"We are definitely the best, Yall" said confused FC Dallas fan Stephen Rodder. "I know it."

"We are going to win this year" said deluded Red Bull New York fan Barbara Valens.

"We are absolutely the best and going to win," said confused Columbus Crew fan Isaac Rorish. 

According to Dr Clerk, "These are all signs of the deluded nature of sports and our human ability to lack critical thinking. Clearly they can't all win unless MLS changes their championship to a four way tie, something that would indeed provide the possibility that all these fans believe."

The Nutmeg News will have more from the 2015 Audi MLS Cup playoffs brought to you by Advocare, Herbalife, Amway, and Xango as they continue.