Mediators Brought In To Stop Internet Bloodshed Between Sporting Kansas City And IFK Göteborg

OSLO - Mediators were brought in at the neutral location of Oslo, Norway in an attempt to settle the ancient feud between Sporting Kansas City and IFK Göteborg that rages on to this day.

Air Force photo by Margo Wright

Mediators from the firm of Häagen and Daaz were made available to the teams in an attempt to stop the shitposting and memes that fanned the ever toxic flames of the internationally recognized deathmatch over the past 120 years.

"The ultras were absolutely set on a bricks, bats, and/or voguing battle the next time the two teams play," stated mediator Jaared Heinz. "We worked with the two groups to calm down the hysteria and enmity that exists between the two international firms."

 According to insider sources, the top boys from both The Cauldron and Änglarna 1973 were hesitatingly moving forward to a temporary truce provided there isn't one more Swedish Chef joke made before the armistice is signed.

Top Boy Stian Haaken stated that they would gladly battle Kansas City supporters in the arts of combative dance at Liseberg, and the Baltespannarparken and by Drottninggatan street, as long as the supporters from the Cauldron could find these locations.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the armistice is broken immediately.

Second Cousin Promoted To Premier Family League After Particularly Thoughtful Holiday Season

Dallas, TX - After instituting Promotion/Relegation within his family circle, soccer fan Thomas Pearson stated that his second cousin Dale would be promoted to the Premier Family League after a particularly thoughtful holiday season.

Heading back up to the PFL!

"Dale will be joining the Premier Family League this next season and we couldn't be happier to see him go up," stated Pearson to The Nutmeg News. 

Dale was relegated all the way to the Southern Texas Regional Division in the Non-Family League after a series of blunders back in the early 2000s when he brought then-girlfriend Monica Stephens to a Christmas party where she attempted to have a Chakra realignment session with his sister Deborah introducing her to a life time of crystal collection and holiday veganism.

"It was a tough holiday season but we had a great competition," stated Pearson.

"Aunt Josie was talking about how she was excited for an outsider last year which really had me thinking she'd be dropping off her standard in the Premier Family League.  However, this year she came right out with 'I was wrong, I admit it. Lets just leave it be,' while really scaling back her annoying posts on Facebook. She pulled herself out of a relegation spiral in Mid-December by showing up with two delicious deserts when she needed them the most. However, my brother in law (who was already close to falling to the fourth division last year but makes a killer Pecan Pie) doubled down this season and showed up with a stupid ass frog hat. He never could get out of the relegation zone all season long and capped off his performance talking about his newfound love of the Houston Dynamo and their playoff run. He was relegated on the final day and now is in the blue square fourth Family league and only gets $10 gift card to Starbucks with a parachute payment of a Christmas Card for one season."

Pearson stated that other than his Cousin Dale, there will be two more promotions from the Championship Family Division as his Grandfather Isaac and his Brother Todd are in a playoff to see who will be promoted back to the Premier Family League after a season down a division.

"It's going to be an intense one day playoff, but there can only be one winner. Grandpa Isaac is starting to show his age, but his experience will count against Todd, who is a dick."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pearson openly celebrates the relegation of his Third Cousin Ralph who spent far too long in the PFL resting upon his ability to park the bus and get Todd drunk.

MLS States That New Nashville Franchise Will Move To Memphis Due To Business Metrics

NEW YORK - Minutes after adding Nashville to Major League Soccer (MLS), Comissioner Don Garber stated that the lack of community involvement would necessitate a move of the minutes old franchise to Memphis due to business metrics.

"We did not have the support for the team we thought we would have minutes after the announcement so we will be moving the franchise to Memphis in hopes that we can have a publicly financed world class stadium and atmosphere," stated Garber.

Insider sources indicate that this Nashville to Memphis deal was in the works as of years ago as MLS let the expansion bids happen before showing that they intentionally were planning on moving the franchise immediately after it was given to the city.

"Trust us when we say this will only make the league stronger," stated president of MLS, Mark Abbot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league plans to move the next franchise to San Diego.

Overarching Sense Of Doom From Millennial's Life Leaking Into Her Soccer Support

San Diego, CA - The overarching sense of doom from Jessica Brown's life is now leaking into her soccer support as everything seems pretty shit, these days.

Photo: Jerry Bunkers

https://www.flickr.com/photos/94328679@N03/34773798090

"I've got two terrible jobs, I live with my parents, and I don't have enough money to go watch any actual soccer game," stated Brown to The Nutmeg News. "My overwhelming feeling that there is nothing for me in this country has now started to pepper my support of Tottenham."

Brown stated that she's been a long time fan of Tottenham Hotspur as she became a Spurs devotee while randomly selecting the team on FIFA 2001.

"I've followed them since I was a kid," stated Brown. "I wasn't a die hard fan at the beginning, but they just became my team. Now.... I don't know.... I just don't see anything good happening... well... anywhere. I don't think they are going to make the champions league. I don't think Harry Kane is going to stay around. I don't think, ugh... you know what I'm just going to watch the games for what they are as a respite from the perpetual doom that encumbers my life and my generaton."

Despite perpetual disappointment being a requirement for a soccer fan and a Spurs fan, Brown stated that she is feeling even less positive about Harry Kane and company after examining her recent jobs, life and healthcare options

"I don't even know what I'm going to do. I can't afford anything. I can't afford to leave. I can't afford to live in a small town, I can't afford to live in the city. I can't afford to go to games, I can't even afford to watch games on TV. All my money goes to student loans, rent to help my parents stay afloat, food and transportation. I'm just a cog supporting the team from afar, and for some soccer fans here that means that I'm the worst. I just need a distraction other than booze, is that so hard?"

Brown stated that her only methodology of watching Tottenham games is streaming them illegally online.

"I guess I'm just going to keep working on work, or something, or go back to school and just bury myself in so much debt that eventually I change my name and move to Guatemala. Either/Or."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brown's love of Tottenham is the only thing keeping her going on the weekends.

Facebook Comment Solves All The Problems In US Soccer

Toledo, OH - A Facebook comment by Roger Dillon reportedly solved all the problems in US Soccer provided that anyone affiliated with US Soccer actually reads the authoritative and ranting spew posted as the 643rd comment to a US Soccer post on Wednesday.

This would only improve things if it deleted all of Facebook at the same time.

Dillon's thousand word comment reportedly contained so much wisdom that at least 10 people liked the comment, netting almost as much interaction as a post containing a Rick And Morty meme referencing Bruce Arena.

Outlining a progressive and cautious approach to opening the pyramid, investing in the game locally and creating a system that advocates for soccer across the United States, Dillon pitched a seeming utopia of US Soccer with promotion/relegation, an open pyramid and financial investment into coaching certificates and youth soccer.

"All I need is a period of time to speak with the US Soccer candidates," stated Dillon in an interview with his Kitchen Aid. "I can convince them of the errors of their way and show them that these big businesses making money off the game isn't the best way for things to be run. I guarantee you that I can convince all these millionaires that they shouldn't be making as much money. Easy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dillon attempts posts his screed to Instagram, Reddit, Twitter, Digg, Tinder, and his own private Slack channel where he is the only member.

Pulisic Wonder Goal A Cheerful Holiday Reminder That The United States Is Not In The 2018 World Cup

CHICAGO - The wonder goal scored by Christian Pulisic, today, was a cheerful holiday reminder for Dave Nelson that the United States is not in 2018 World Cup as he ordered another beer at the bar where he watched Dortumund win against Hoffenheim.

Hey, did you know the United States didn't qualify for the World Cup?

"Fuck," stated Nelson as he watched the replay over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. "I can't believe we aren't going to the World Cup."

Nelson actually spent the morning enjoying the conviviality at his local soccer bar where the games moved from early English games to German games as the crowd moved in and out. Reportedly, he hadn't even thought about the fact that he wasn't going to watch the United States fumble fuck their way around the Russian fields in 6 months. 

That was, however, until the end of the Dortmund/Hoffenheim game with Christian Pulisic scored a wonder goal that reminded Nelson of the futility of being a sports fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nelson shows every single person, who sits next to him for the next 4 hours, the Pulisic goal.

LA Galaxy Announce David Beckham Signing

LOS ANGELES - The LA Galaxy announced a huge development in the battle for Los Angeles against LAFC as they stated that David Beckham would be signing..... various pieces of memorabilia..... for the Los Angeles Galaxy during the 2018 season.

"We are proud to have international superstar David Beckham sign objects for the Galaxy once again," stated Pete Vagenas, vice president of soccer operations. "We aim to show that we are the preeminent soccer side in Los Angeles and feel that David signing (items) for us will show our intention."

Insider sources indicate that Beckham was enticed to sign some objects by a multi-million dollar bonus that he will reinvest into another search for a billionaire with more money than sense in Miami.

That information didn't dull the Galaxy's day, on Thursday, as they boldly announced the Beckham signing with all the aplomb of a side that recently fired Curt Onalfo.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Galaxy announce a Robbie Keane signing......... of memorabilia from his MLS Cup win.

MLS Bloggers Ready To Launch 1000 "Balance Of Power Has Shifted From West To East" Stories

Bloggers for Major League Soccer stated that they were collectively ready to launch 1000, "Balance Of Power Has Shifted From West To East," stories on their unrelated blogs as the MLS offseason chugs onward.

It's a jumping off point!!

http://www.goal.com/en-us/news/all-eyes-on-barco-why-atlantas-pursuit-of-the-new-aguero/1o4hby4g1h00t1mtbgd3me0547

"From Toronto FC winning MLS Cup to Atlanta United acquiring young and exciting players from Argentina, clearly the balance of power has shifted," stated blogger Thad Newton. 

"I'm planning my whole column around how the Nagbe acquisition by Atlanta shows the rising Eastern Conference," stated blogger Paul Thomas. 

"I've got a thoroughly investigated statistical analysis piece that is getting posted to my SB Nation blog in 2 weeks that shows how the East is better than the West and getting better every month," stated statistics blogger James Olivares. 

With tens of thousands of unpaid bloggers and hundreds of recently fired journalists ready to submit their piece of mind for their carefully curated websites, analysts say to be careful of a "East > West" article backlash.

"Our analysis shows that considerate bloggers will wait for the flood and then post an alternative reaction against the prevailing trend," stated Brookings Institute fellow and Blog Analysis Professor Dick Withers. "Bloggers attempting to succeed in positioning themselves against the people positioning themselves against the West are going to have a good February."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we count down the Top 10 ways the East is Better than the west in 2018.

Repeated Entreaties By MASL Stadium Announcer Do Not Increase Team's Defensive Abilities

St. Louis, MO - Repeated entreaties by St. Louis Ambush stadium announcer James Winter failed to increase the team's performance on defense as his calls for defense echoed off the walls of The Family Arena in St. Charles.

"IS THIS THING ON?"

"DE..... FENSE...." implored a forlorn Winter over the public adress system as he attempted to get both the Ambush defense and the home fans in unison over this perceived weakness.

"DE..... FENSE," he cried again into the night, somewhat forlornly. 

Despite Winter's best efforts, the Ambush fell to the charging Milwaukee Wave 4-3 as they continued an unfortunate 0-7 start to the season.

"If we could just get a consensus of when I say, 'defense,' you repeat the word defense," argued Winter with downtrodden fans who marched out of The Family Arena after the most recent loss. "It would really help. Look, I'll try now... DE.... FENSE," he cried to the back of retreating Ambush fan Darren Hart. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Winter's exceptional performance on the mic during the upcoming Cedar Rapids Rampage game inspires the Ambush to a streak breaking victory.

Executives Thrilled As MLS Cup Ratings Almost Overtake Dragon Ball Z Kai Rerun

NEW YORK - Sources report that executives with Major League Soccer (MLS) were thrilled as MLS Cup television ratings in the United States almost reached the dizzying heights of a 11:00 pm rerun of Dragon Ball Z Kai

SO CLOSE! They did score with the over 50 crowd, though!

"Our best showing in the United States in some time," stated director of Television ratings for Major League Soccer, Dawn Hendrickson. "We really gave Dragon Ball Z and the midnight version of Sportscenter everything it could handle from a cable ratings perspective."

With soccer television in the United States growing, executives with MLS state that they expect to compete with Top Rank Boxing and LIVE PD: 82 LIVE PD on A&E, soon.

"Our plan is a 10 year plan for the grandest spectacle in North American soccer to overtake regular season noon college basketball among the 25 to 54 male demographic in the distant future," stated Hendrickson.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TV ratings continue to impress.

MLS Excel Spreadsheet Managers Ready To Move Theoretical Nagbe Compensation From Atlanta To Portland

NEW YORK - Excel spreadsheet managers for Major League Soccer confirmed that they are ready to move the theoretical Nagbe compensation of Targeted Allocation Money, General Allocation Money, an International Slot, two bushels of corn, a haypenny, and an Evenflo baby monitor from Atlanta United to the Portland Timbers via a very difficult Ctrl-X/Crtl-V command sequence.

Like this, but with people.

"We need to move this theoretical money that isn't actual money but is more like spreadsheet lines of virtual money that the league employs to help teams employ a salary structure that resembles a Rube Goldberg financial contraption," stated director of XY Spreadsheet columns Annie Rice. "In order for us to trade Nagbe from our Timbers business spreadsheet to our Atlanta spreadsheet we need to receive the proper instructions as to how much of the theoretical money will be compensated between the two organizations so that we can adjust the commas and dollar amounts correctly."

Rice stated that she will then notify her Timbers spreadsheet counterpart how much compensation the team has received for the player in order to instruct them as to the amount of money that they now have that they didn't have before, but that no one really had before, but that Atlanta had before even though they didn't really have it all in the first place because targeted allocation money isn't real money although... you know... what is money anyway..... man...... whoa.......

"Trust me, this isn't that confusing," stated Rice to The Nutmeg News. "You just need to understand that this is all just data, not money. We are moving data around."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the spreadsheet wizards complete another trade.

Story From 2010 Away Game Actually Not Exaggerated

Portland, OR - According to fellow Timbers fans, Greg Ammerman's story from a 2010 away game to Crystal Palace Baltimore is still not exaggerated in any way as Ammerman's relatively boring story about supporting his team on the road droned on for the 61st retelling.

PHOTO CREDIT: https://www.flickr.com/photos/kl/6333557377

"It was then that I went to the Amish market in Cockeysville," stated Ammerman to a bored group of fellow fans that hoped he would pump up the storyline a little bit for this retelling. "Everything was very expensive, but the food was good. Then we had to make it out to Catonsville. And we did. And Ryan Pore scored first, and we thought we were going to win, and then Baltimore scored twice... and we didn't win."

Reportedly, Ammerman's dedication to telling the story as accurately as possible made the story increasingly boring, over the years, as he intentionally leaves things out that he can't remember as being accurate or not. 

"I thought this was going to be an epic retelling of a pre-MLS game away," stated new Timbers fan David Samuels. "Instead it was... well... boring. It's probably true, but I always thought things were going to be more exciting about those pre-MLS days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ammerman boils the story down to, "I went to Baltimore for a Timbers game and the Timbers lost."

Columbus Crew Expose 10 Fans To The MLS Expansion Draft

Columbus, OH - The Columbus Crew announced that they exposed 10 fans to the possibility of being selected by Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) in the upcoming Major League Soccer (MLS) Expansion draft.

The 2017 MLS Expansion Draft will be held at 2 p.m. ET on Tuesday, December 12.

LAFC may select up to five players from the eligible MLS pool. Only a single player can be drafted from any one club but up to 10 fans can be drafted from the Crew.

"Our business metrics require us to shed our fanbase in order to be competitive in the final year," stated giant asshole Anthony Precourt. "We plan on accommodating the wishes of our fans and trading them away from this team so they can root for LAFC. We are very thoughtful like that."

Sources indicate that LAFC is considering picking up at least one of the Crew fans in an effort to start out their season with a loyal fanbase.

"I can't believe that the Crew are looking to dump fans that are this invested in their team," stated LAFC owner Young Jeezy. "This is just crazy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Columbus Crew and Don Garber continue to figure out new ways to blame the fans.

Major League Soccer Working On Bans For Everyone That Had Fun At MLS Cup

TORONTO - According to insider sources, Ray Whitworth and the Major League Soccer (MLS) security goons are already working on handing down bans for excessive enjoyment had during MLS Cup which includes bans for flares, smoke, kissing, lewd behavior, flatulence, beer consumption, and celebration in the area of illicit activities.

"We simply cannot accept our fans having fun," stated Whitworth to The Nutmeg News. "We plan on banning at least every member from the Inebriatti and probably everyone from U-Sector as well. Hell, we might even punish the leaders of the Kings In The North if we are feeling saucy. It's important to let these fans know that they work for us and not the other way around."

It's also being reported that Major League Soccer plans on funding the new TAM influx into the league utilizing the fees collected from their mandatory alcohol and anger programs they require for reinstatement after a fan is banned.

"It's going to be a watershed moment for us, we are going to ban so many people after this one. We are going to make MLS great again one ban at a time and you are just fake news," stated Whitworth.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Major League Soccer creates an advertisement around the passion of the Toronto fans utilizing imagery from MLS Cup while simultaneously banning them like they've done with multiple fans in the league already.

Keep The Christ In "Jesus Christ, Dempsey, Stay On Your Feet" Campaigns Traditionalist

TORONTO - Soccer traditionalist Jason Marshall stated that he is keeping up his campaign to keep the Christ in "Jesus Christ, Dempsey, stay on your feet you diving prick," as he fights the encroaching culture wars.

"I'm a firm believer in blaspheming as it pertains to my families religion," stated Marshall to The Nutmeg News. "My grandaddy said, 'Jesus Christ, Achtymichuk.' My daddy said, 'Jesus Christ, Chelios.' And I'll say, 'Jesus Christ, Dempsey,' as an appropriate swear to convey my disgust at their actions."

According to family members, Marshall was disappointed when he heard people cursing out Columbus Crew players using a variety of sainted deities without using the traditional blaspheming words of Jesus Christ.

"It's true, I heard call out's to Saints, Buddha, Gnisha, and Mohammed at the last game," stated Marshall. "And yet no one was yelling 'JESUS CHRIST, MERAM, YOU ARE TERRIBLE.' I was very upset and perplexed. This is what happens when we don't teach appropriate swearing to our children in school."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marshall attempts to sell signs stating his beliefs from his garage.

Roy Moore Funds U-15 Girls Soccer Academy

Montgomery, AL - In an effort to appeal to liberal voters in Alabama, Senate candidate Roy Moore announced his intention, on Friday, to fund and personally manage a U-15 girls soccer academy in Montgomery and Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

For God and Country.... and 14 year old girls.

"Part of our effort is to reach out to voters on both sides of the aisle," stated Moore chief-of-staff Rich Hobson. "Roy may have been banned from the mall, but not from the sidelines!!!"

"Statistics show that soccer is very popular with godless leftist communists," continued Hobson. "Thusly we are going to bring some of the love of the lord back into their lives with a youth soccer team that is managed according to the standards of the old testament God. It'll be about regional pride and subservience to your elders. Everyone should want Roy having a part in the development of their youth."

Moore, for his part, states that he will be hands-on in the management and formation of the teams stating that he would leave no stone un-turned to unearth talent from across Alabama.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Moore is still elected to the Senate from Alabama.

Sacramento Republic Fan Eagerly Awaits Being Told By Major League Soccer That He Isn't Doing Enough To Support His Team

Sacramento, CA - Sacramento Republic fan John Stern stated that he eagerly awaits being told by Major League Soccer (MLS) that he isn't doing enough to support his local franchise in 10 to 20 years when the league attempts to move his team to Miami.

BRING IT HOME TO WHATEVER HOT DESTINATION CITY GETS YOUR TEAM IN 20 YEARS!

"Sure, we are making a deal with the devil," stated Stern to The Nutmeg News. "But I don't care as long as I get to see legends like Wondolowski in the twilight of their career. I'm looking forward to being blamed by Don Garber just like Columbus fans as the root reason why MLS decides to move my team in 20 years. I'm also excited to start over again with a new team in the NPSL, at that time."

As illustrated above, Mr. Stern has completely accepted that the move of Republic into Major League Soccer will likely end with a stadium extortion by Major League Soccer in 20 to 30 years that results in his team being moved and his children unable to watch the team he supported for five years in the USL.

"Look, I don't care what happens down the road. I'm just excited about having a game on ESPN in the next few years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans all over the United States and Canada get excited about the possibility of entering the relocation and contraction sweepstakes of Major League Soccer.

Leaked Don Garber Speech Opens With, "Columbus, What A Shithole, Am I Right?"

TORONTO - A leaked version of Don Garber's state of the league speech shows that the Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) will open his statement with the stanza, "Columbus, what a shithole, am I right?"

Sit down if you hate Columbus! Everyone?! That's why we are moving them!

Reportedly, the Commissioner then proceeds to lampoon Columbus in a stand-up influenced routine for roughly 10 paragraphs before closing that portion of his speech with the statement, "Take my Crew, PLEASE," as he completes a planned wardrobe change into a cowboy hat and boots.

Sources indicate that Commissioner Garber spent the last month working comedy clubs in New York in an attempt to sharpen his witty repartee as he moves alongside Anthony Precourt to rob Columbus, Ohio of the soccer club they've supported for 21 years.

In documents passed to The Nutmeg News, revision 2 of the State Of The League speech shows Garber planning on the press from MLSsoccer.com responding in a positive way to his comparisons of Columbus, Ohio to a destitute mid-western town living in the past as it contains the measure ** WAIT FOR LAUGHS ** as Garber makes an Alex P. Keaton reference to Reaganomics. 

"We are here for trickle down economics and we will trickle down all over the city of Austin," states paragraph 9 of Garber's screed against Columbus

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber and the Major League Soccer expansion board make certain to let Cincinnati know that this could NEVER happen to them.

Fringe Toronto Player Keeping It Together On Snapchat Despite Knowing He Will Be Released Soon

TORONTO - Fringe Toronto FC player Ethan Zeffers was, reportedly, keeping it together on Snapchat this week despite knowing that he will be released from the team soon after MLS Cup is over.

(FRANK GUNN / THE CANADIAN PRESS)  

Saying, "Yo! Yo! Yo! It's cup time," during one of his many video posts to the social media service, Zeffers was able to offer a perspective that wasn't depressive despite realizing that he would be moving onto his 3rd team in 4 years. 

"It's tough because some of us know that we aren't long for the waiver wire or the USL or the NASL," stated Zeffers to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "But we need to stay positive and keep up that facade until about an hour after MLS Cup where I can post about how much I loved my time here and continue working on my options as a 4th string defender for Real Monarchs."

Zeffers continued his wall of fake upbeat postings, this week, by taking pictures with the giant MLS CUP sculpture and various shots of Toronto while continuously talking about finishing the journey, a sly reference to him leaving the team rather than MLS Cup.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zeffers readies his Instagram post about leaving the team, in advance of MLS Cup.

Hope Solo Setting The Stage To Pardon Herself

WASHINGTON - Insiders within the camp of Hope Solo claim that the one time US Goalkeeper hopes to win the US Soccer Federation (USSF) Presidency so that she can pardon herself for her ongoing domestic violence case and previous suspensions/infractions.

NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/GettyImages

Despite being told that there is a difference between President of US Soccer and President of the United States, Solo was adamant that she was the one to lead the mostly ineffectual US Soccer Agency into the new era by first absolving herself of all the things that she did while a player for US Soccer.

"I will first terminate any ongoing investigations into any current or former players. We will also stop legislating morality onto those players significant others, husbands and wives.... unless I don't like them," stated Solo, allegedly, to a group of friends. "I will then expand the powers of the US Soccer President to include the ability to set rosters, set overall pay and distribute medical support for players that I deem as respectful to the office of the President. I also plan on investigating why I'm not the starting goalkeeper anymore for the United States."

Friends say that Solo will also expunge the time that she and husband Jerramy Stevens stole the United States team van during a January training camp for a joyride while Stevens and Solo were intoxicated resulting in Stevens arrest for DUI.

"I want a federation that is free for all people to do what they will with team vans," stated Solo, allegedly, in an oddly specific campaign point. "Players should be free from consequences during training camp. It is really boring. Also, I should be able to say and do whatever I want, that's what being president is all about. Make US Soccer Great Again By Not Investigating My Ongoing Court Cases."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 26 more people announce their candidacy for US Soccer Presidency in the last few moments leading to the person no one wants winning due to vote splitting.