Philadelphia, PA - Union fan Jasmine Ulloa admitted that today, of all days, she is desperately praying for some kind of soccer distraction as she frenetically scrolled through the maudlin displays on Twitter and Facebook

"Earnie Stewart... you are my only hope.... please... save my Friday."

"I just need the Union to trade a goalkeeper, write an essay saying the fans are crap, tell us that you are letting Earnie Stewart go," ranted Ulloa to her friends in a Slack chat online.

"I just need anything... ANYTHING to distract me from the giant pile of bullshit that is this Friday."

Reportedly, Ulloa extended this possibility of drama to national teams, her Premier League team, or even that French women's team that she lightly follows.

"I need something, anything... a trade.. a dispute... a firing... I just need something to distract me. If Tim Howard wants to stick his foot into his mouth again, that would even work. Let's get some quotes from Bedoya on this thing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ulloa's legs fall asleep after spending too much time in the workplace bathroom scrolling through the carnage on her Facebook feed.