NEW YORK - Sources with Major League Soccer, today, detailed a league plan to become the League Of Choice For Players On Cut Wages Who Don't Mind Being Kept In Isolation In An Orlando Hotel Room Without Their Families (TM). Commissioner Don Garber allegedly wrote a new state of the season memorandum to all supporters and players that The Nutmeg News was able to get in advance due to our numerous league sources.
“Welcome to the re-launch of Major League Soccer’s 25th Season,” states Don Garber in the yet-to-be-released email. “More and more world-class players continue to make MLS and the mile surrounding their quarantine hotel rooms in Orlando their ‘League of Choice For Players On Cut Wages Who Don't Mind Being Kept In Isolation In An Orlando Hotel Room Without Their Families .” A record 10 players signed from Mexico’s Liga MX stated that they hated this idea but contractually they didn’t know if they had any other options. Notably, Javier ‘Chicharito’ Hernandez — the Mexican National Team’s all-time leading goal scorer — begrudgingly joins the La Galaxy in Orlando and will make his re-debut at some point provided that no one has a 102 degree fever or a persistent cough. This game will likely happen on whatever television channel we can get do broadcast this with local blackout rules applying for most of the United States.
Just as importantly, our clubs signed a record number of Homegrown Players who are now being asked to take severe cuts on their salary due to the fact that they don’t have any social cachet to push for their wages staying the same during this time.
The 25th Season Celebration also will include a new, groundbreaking format for our MLS All-Star Game, presented by Target. The MLS All-Stars will face no one, bucking the trend of having any kind of All-Star Game of any level. They will remain undefeated in 2020 showing that no international team can come win if all the international flights are grounded due to the pandemic that we aren’t allowed to discuss with you.
As we celebrate 25 years of MLS building soccer in North America, I know you are as excited to watch games with no crowds and faked noise from the stands. We deeply appreciate everything you have done to help us grow true ‘Soccer Nations’ in the U.S. and that other country that legally we aren’t allowed to enter right now.
Enjoy The 2020 season if it happens or whatever version you get to watch provided you have a VPN.
Commissioner Don Garber.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS denies this letter exists.