St. Paul, MN - James Heatherton stated that he was increasingly worried that if the Major League Soccer side resorted to putting cardboard cutouts of fans in the stands during empty stadium games that his cardboard cutout avatar’s view may be blocked by cardboard cutout flags.

“I didn’t pay all this money, wait all this time, and a submit a picture of myself to have the virtual view of my cardboard figurehead blocked by some asshole cardboard cutout waving a giant flag,” stated Heatherton to The Nutmeg News.

Heartherton reportedly submitted a picture of himself with crossed arms standing in the supporters section not participating as others silently cheer on the team in order to accurately replicate his gameday participation level.

“It would be a complete lie to show me vigorously participating in what I consider to be consistent aping of English culture and not at all in line with the American tradition of doing fuck all during professional sports after you spent all of your energy in life during your youth in college and become tied down by the depressive reality of adult life, a job, a mortgage and kids.”

According to the cardboard cutout figureheads that surround Heatherton they have been trying to get him to actually do …. well… anything during a game for years now as he stands in misery and silent stoicism around the people enjoying themselves.

“I don’t know that I’ll be able to tell the difference between a cardboard cutout of him and the real version of him that does nothing but complain about what other people are doing,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Heatherton submits a complaint to the Minnesota United front office about the conduct and supposed marijuana pipes of other cardboard figures.