NEW YORK - In the wake of the NFL broadcasting a game on kids channel Nickelodeon, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that they would be broadcasting select games during the 2021 season on Turner Classic Movies (TCM).

The Sports Business Journal of Iowa indicated that MLS picked up Werther’s Original as a series sponsor for the games aimed at expanding their demographic.

TCM host Ben Mankiewicz will introduce the upcoming game of the week while specifying the salient points, actors, and plotlines.

“All the games will start 10 minutes after the proposed start time to allow all the credits to run in advance,” stated MLS Director of infotainment Paul Davey. “As well, the game will feature light commentary by Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen explaining that, in fact, soccer is not a entry point for communism into the fabric of American life. They will also talk about stagecraft, acting, gardening, and the difficulty of performing King Lear for a discerning English crowd.”

According to the official release, the league will also take a queue from TCM’s theme nights where they will attempt some technological breakthroughs that will thrill the new demographic they are targeting.

“We will have a noir night,” stated Davey. “We will broadcast in black and white while moves on the field will be viewed through a lens of treachery and intrigue. The announcers for noir night will be wearing fedoras and trench coats and will be trained to replicate the fast talking banter of early Billy Wilder who, incidentally, brought Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau together, don’tcha know. We also want to acknowledge that movies in this era were racially charged and we believe that having high bill games in black and white will prove we don’t see color.”

The Nutmeg News will now go to the replay sponsored by Werther’s Low Sugar…… because we know you missed it before.