Portland, OR - The owner of the Portland Thorns and Timbers, Merritt Paulson, announced that he would be selling the Portland Thorns in order to focus on rebuilding and furthering the abusive front office culture at the Portland Timbers.

“For too long I’ve had a split attention between the two teams and I haven’t given the growth of the abusive culture at the Timbers the time it needs,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “With the sale of the Thorns I can finally work on re-creating the toxic environment of yes men and sexual harassers that was pulled out from underneath me by a small minority of toxic, hateful fans online who just can’t accept boys being boys.”

Sources indicate that Paulson has long held a grudge against anyone who wants to question his absolute rule over the Timbers and was devastated when he no longer had friends in the front office to make lewd and sexist jokes with about his employees.

“He’s been moping around in his office ignoring reports from human resources by himself,” stated one Timbers insider. “Usually he spends the afternoon trying to figure out if his front office teams can operate with fewer employees and setting up a spam filter on any emails regarding employee complaints so that he can claim that he never saw them.”

For his part, Paulson expressed that the sale of the Thorns came with a great amount of fondness for the team.

“This team has been a part of my life from the time I hired an abusive coach to the time that I ignored multiple players alleging sexual and emotional abuse to the time that I covered up the actions of my general manager, president of the team and at least one player,” stated Paulson

The Nutmeg News will have more as Paulson plans for the eventual sale of the Timbers upon his death with the conditiont that the team be moved to Las Vegas.