Columbus, OH - Stating, “We must protect our proud, supple, bodily orafices,” Columbus Crew players and staff reportedly started a general run in the area on nose plugs, ear plugs and gas masks.

“The report is that the fans will assault you with smell,” stated one anonymous midfielder. “I’ve eaten Skyline Chili so I’m fine, but I’m worried about our midfielders.”

Sources indicate that the Crew purchased nose plugs in bulk and have their team working on open mouth running, a new trend.

“It is said that if you open your mouth, you can breathe through it instead of your nose,” stated one Crew athletic trainer. “We are working on that while having the team prepare for this game. We may end up sending some of our starting 11 for the game to train in the Cincinnati area in order to prepare for the assault on smell.”

For all the dire warnings about an assault on the senses, some Crew supporters are already prepared as one fan stated, “Honestly, this is nothing new. I always wear nose plugs when I go to Detroit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Detroit City fans prepare to assault the fifth sense, proprioception.