CHICAGO - On the heels of announcing Frank Klopas as their returning head coach, the Chicago Fire today announced the acquisition of 50 year old Club America forward Cuauhtémoc Blanco as a Designated Player for the 2024 season.

“We needed to make a statement in this market and what better way than to bring in one of the all time Mexican players in Blanco,” stated Yallop Klopas to gathered members of the media still covering the team. “Blanco is going to bring a scoring touch and a governing touch to the Fire as he patrols the field for 5 to 10 minutes every game.”

Sources say that the Fire also lobbied Major League Soccer to allow Blanco to play on a more rotational basis as they are concerned that he doesn’t have 90 minutes in his legs anymore.

“They really think he can give them five great minutes roughly every 30 minutes,” stated one anonymous Fire insider. “We believe Blanco can bring the magic back to Soldier Field.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but those in the know say that Blanco will be earning in excess of 4 Million dollars per year, a move that will hamstring the Fire for any further signings.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire announce sanctions against Sector Latino.

CORRECTION: We inadvertently stated that the head coach of the Fire was Frank Yallop and not Frank Klopas. We apologize for the mistake of naming the 2025 head coach (Yallop) instead of the 2024 head coach (Klopas) and will ensure that future articles will reflect the current head coach

We await Yallop replacing Klopas in January of 2025.