Denver, CO - While in the middle of an unbidden rant comparing USMNT head coach Gregg Berhalter and genocidal mass murderer Adolph Hitler, Chance David thought, “this is going really well,” as his date Philipa Wilson began to look around wildly for the exit.

Stating, “you know, my thousands of followers online depend upon me for unvarnished truth like this,” Mr. David started to ask if Ms. Wilson wanted desert as she frantically took a fake phone call from her friend Roshelle that they arranged for this date if Ms. Wilson sent a “help” text message.

“This is just insane,” stated Ms. Wilson to which Mr. David cut her off and stated, “Oh absolutely but the corruption of the US Stasi Soccer Federation, as I call it, goes DEEP. It’s like an onion but at the center is Berhalter who is being manipulated by the shadowy board who drinks the blood of children to keep themselves young so they can control US Soccer forever.”

“I have to go…. because… um…. just no,” stated the woman as she stood up and thrust some cash at David who waived it off.

“I take care of milady,” stated David to the chagrin of literally everyone present who didn’t already hate him for the loud conversation containing bullshit rumors and half baked conspiracy theories presented as fact.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as David googles whether George Soros donates to the USSF and ends up spending 4 more hours on 8chan.