Portland, OR - A massive surge of fan-on-fan civility at Providence Park has left the Portland Timbers no other choice than to install metal detectors at all stadium entrances.

"At every game we were seeing the same scenario: people celebrating, hugging each other and enjoying themselves. It was a tinderbox ready to explode,” said head of security Steven Gedion. “We decided that we needed to get in front of this potentially volatile situation and detain everyone at the gates to identify knee replacements, Altoids tins, keys, and makeup compacts before these people engender more love and civility between themselves.”

With a fan conduct code mandated by the head of Major League Soccer security, the Timbers found themselves in a difficult situation.

"We didn't have enough fan on fan violence to justify installing the metal detectors, but we were determined to not let that stop us.” said Gedion.

“We have successfully made a safe place safer and in addition are able to impart upon everyone a mixed sense of security and violation that helps to bring down free-spirited fun-seekers to a more manageable level by demonstrating that we have ultimate non-negotiable authority. We hope that all fans will support us by doing their part to help create an increasingly safer environment at Providence Park and work to reduce insurance liability costs for the owners.”