Cincinnati, OH - On the heels of the 2014 World Cup run, US Men’s National Team fans known as the American Outlaws were stunned to find that a soccer league had sprung up in their backyard.

“I was shocked, absolutely shocked,” says Peter Wendowski, a long time American Outlaw member since 2013, “Here I was thinking that the only soccer I was going to get until the next World Cup three years from now was Real Madrid vs Barcelona and my kids U-12 games. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there was an entire soccer league in my own country and there was even one of those teams in my own state.”

Peter went on to discuss the benefits of this new discovery. “Well, it’s great because it gives my kid something to look forward to, you know? Now that there’s more than just eleven soccer players in America he can now dream of one day playing for Columbus FC or whatever it’s called.”

When asked about his opinion on the renaming of the USL Pro soccer league to simply USL he replied, “There’s more than one league? You’re shitting me.”

CHICAGO - Officials with the US Soccer Federation confirmed, today, that they would be changing the methodology by which the US Open Cup match-ups are selected. Ronald Durif, the spokesman for the US Open Cup with US Soccer, had the following to say.

“We felt it was in our best interest to find a way to ramp up the spectator involvement with the US Open Cup. Given that we needed more publicity, we decided to turn over our matchmaking from an intern with a bingo wheel to a blind, feces throwing, bonobo monkey named Claudius. He will be fed a diet of prunes and fiber right before the selection period and will throw his feces at a chalkboard with the names of the different teams entered to pair them together. We are hoping that this will produce an entertaining and fair mosaic of teams in the United States.”

Durif also went on to say that Claudius would have his own t-shirt and blog, and that the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) would be live streaming the event on UStream if a kickstarter to raise funds for the US Open Cup came through with enough money to justify the purchase of a Galaxy S4 with which the federation planned to livestream.

“You wouldn't believe the interest we have had with this new project internally, and we think that a feces throwing monkey is the new way forward for match picking. All hail Claudius!” said Mr Durif.

The ASPCA could not be reached for comment.