LAFC Fan Claims Supremacy As He Couldn't Even Hear Club León Supporters From His Vantage Point Standing Next To The Huge Drums In The Supporters Section

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) fan Paul Gutierrez claimed total supporters group supremacy as he stated that he couldn’t even hear any of the León fans singing or chanting from his vantage point next to the huge drums in the 3252 supporters section during the 3-0 home victory in the CONCACAF Champions league.

“We won on the field and we won in the stands,” shouted Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “I couldn’t hear anything from them at all. It was all us, all the time!”

Gutierrez stated that he expected León fans to put up a better show as he thought that there would be some kind of impact from them in the stands.

“Yeah, it’s crazy. When I got into the stands and stood next the drums I noticed a lot of green in the stands. However, we took over their stadium in Mexico and this time all I could hear from where I was standing were our drums and the people standing next to me singing. Never could hear them at all.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as literally every large supporters group in MLS does the same thing home or away.

Fans Claim That Parity In MLS Is Clearly Out Of Control As All Teams Remain Tied At This Point In The Season

Sports fans were reportedly dismayed at the extreme parity in Major League Soccer (MLS) as all 26 teams in the league remained on the same points at this point in the season.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/303376345_Parity_in_European_Football_Leagues

“This is just an example of the socialist leftists invading this country and our glorious sports history,” stated Gerald Williams of Elko. “You would never see 26 Baseball teams tied on points. Hell no. My generation didn’t sit and listen to our father’s generation talk about storming the beaches of Normandy to let socialism ruin the sport we spent the last 30 years talking crap about.”

According to Jeannie Evans of Broomfield, Colorado, the Broncos fan was concerned about the message that this kind of parity sends to children.

“What does it show them when we enforce this kind of socialism in our sports league? Does this teach them that they are all special, because they aren’t. There’s a bunch of really terrible kids out there that should know they are terrible,” stated Evans. “You would never see this kind of parity in the NFL because that is our capitalist market at work. I read an article on a website that said that antifers are taking over the youth via soccer in order to get them to vote for Bernie Castro. We must stop this.”

Statisticians claimed that there was a specific reason for the parity oddity at this point, but our reporters weren’t interested in a bunch of eggheads making stuff up.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as someone makes a joke for the 1,000,000th time about parity/parody.

Blogger Sneaks 4 Made Up Teams Into USL Season Preview To See If Anyone Will Notice

Sacramento, CA - Sacramento Republic and USL writer Josh Dickinson reportedly hid 4 made up teams in his USL 2020 season preview to see if anyone would notice as he published his 20,000 word magnum opus on all the teams in the league.

“Oh sure everyone knows Sacramento and New Mexico, but what about the Plano Pirates, the Montgomery Barons, Loudoun United FC and the Wichita Linemen,” stated Dickenson to The Nutmeg News. “I figured that anyone who clicked on the article probably checked out after the introduction of the piece and just went to see what I said about their team. I guess we will find out if anyone is paying attention.”

Dickinson reportedly stated that he believed the Plano Pirates could find their way into the USL Championship Playoffs this year if they managed to shore up their previously porous defense, a thought that USL expert Deryk Sanderson believes to be true.

“Plano struggled at times last year,” stated Sanderson on his Geology and Soccer podcast TalkingSchist. “But if they can fix up their defense I could see them really seizing control of the USL Central Midwest North Texas division.”

With Dickinson making up facts, other news outlets were quick to seize on the opportunity to copy his work as they flushed out their own takes with SBNation starting up a blog for the Wichita Linemen and requesting any new writers in the area to apply for the honor of running the website.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wichita charge up the standings and try to make the playoffs after acquiring a centerback from the Barons for a collection of rare Hummel figurines and a new showerhead.

German Composer Panned By American Soccer Blog For Lack Of Tactical Prowess And Ignorance Of American Culture

Stating, “He needs to drop the 4-2-3-1, get rid of the double cello in the midfield and switch to an aggressive 4-3-3 with our best violinist up top,” the blog MLSTactics.com panned the recent composition, moves, and formation of the MLS Anthem by German composer Hans Zimmer.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SUM AND THE USSF?

“We need an American composer to handle this situation, not a German one who appoints his grandson to the timpani section of the development orchestra,” stated writer James Stewart. “We have a history of American composers from George Gershwin to Aaron Copland to John Williams and we let this German try to figure out an American identity? I think not.”

The post by Stewart on MLS Tactics details how the orchestra could deal with a lost generation of American Bassoon players and how the appointment of Zimmer to the MLS Anthem is just another example of the catering to foreign composers.

“You are telling me that Randy Newman couldn’t do this job? Randy Newman would come in here and understand the American psyche. He would write an MLS Anthem that would really show the jaunty drive into suburbia and the Panda Express next to the Starbucks at your local grocery story complex center. Zimmer probably doesn’t even understand what our star Violinists want when they talk about Chipotle and Netflix.”

Stewart also castigated Zimmer for bringing in dual citizenship french horns who, “don’t understand what it is like to be American and wake up every day in the greatest country in the world and probably won’t play as hard as American Horns would if MLS Cup was really on the line."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the MLS Anthem with Randy Newman in charge fails to make it to the final selection.

"This Is The Year I Enjoy Fantasy Soccer," Claims Delusional Fan

Oklahoma City, OK - Delusional Oklahoma Energy fan Coleen Warner claimed that, "THIS is the year I enjoy Major League Soccer fantasy soccer," before logging in to create her 2020 team.

"Granted I didn't stick with the game in 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, and 2011, but that was different. THIS year I'm going to stay committed beyond week three to finishing out the league and actually enjoy myself," claimed Warner before her friends started subtly laughing at her. 

While Ms. Warner has continually created a team only to forget half way through the season that they even existed, she is adamant that this is the season of change.

"It's going to happen. I'm enjoying it all. I'm actually studying players and trends that successful fantasy players use to achieve success in their leagues. I'm actually going to remember to log into my team each week to adjust my team based on injuries and I'm planning on continuing even if my team loses massively in week 2," stated Ms. Warner to The Nutmeg News

Friends of Ms. Warner claimed that this is all hollow talk that she uses every year to talk herself into playing a game that is just fundamentally not that much fun.

The Nutmeg News spoke to friend Laura Ingrahm about Ms Warner and she had the following to say, "Once the Energy season kicks off she will forget all about this. Nobody cares about the points that Jalil Anibaba gets you in week 6 when you forgot to log in for the past 4 weeks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Warner continues to believe that this is the season for fantasy fun.

Rochester Lancers Game Abandoned After Rave Breaks Out During MASL Goal Celebration

Rochester, NY - A recent Major Arena Soccer League (MASL) game between the Rochester Lancers and the Baltimore Blast was reportedly cancelled after a rave broke out in the stadium during a goal celebration.

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“I don’t know what happened but all of a sudden I was throwing shapes in the church of dance,” stated Lancers player Gary Boughton. “There was a moment where I could TASTE the energy and the music was just oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz-oontz…Oh god, it’s happening again!”

Lancers fans state that the issue happened after a goal by Boughton late in the fourth quarter as the house lights went multi colored and started a strobe effect, the music was cranked, smoke started flooding over the field and suddenly everyone was vigorously throwing around their bodies to Untz Untz by Dimitri Vegas, Like Mike, Vini Vici and Liquid Soul.

“It…. it was absolutely kicking off,” stated Lancers head coach Doug Miller. “Just wall to wall bangers. We were at the beck and call of DJ Key-Yo. Lancer Louie was bopping by with a lineup of Lancers glowsticks and pacifiers. I thought DJ Key-YO made a mistake transitioning into Quiet Storm, but then we went right on into Do Bad Well and the whole coaching staff was out on the field just getting wild and windmilling around with waterbottles.”

Fans say that the line between the music and the feeling temporarily evaporated into a sweaty heaving mass of humanity that all breathed until the drop came, but researchers indicate that the rave lasted for no longer than 45 minutes.

Sources with the MASL indicate that the game will be called 6-5 to the Baltimore Blast as the league denied that anything untoward happened.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we continue to monitor the raves in the MASL for the influence of Acid House and Goa Trance.

Nashville SC Fan Prepares Herself For A Lifetime Of Being Subjected To The Whims Of MLS Referees

Nashville, TN - Nashville SC fan Rhonda Sims stated that she is currently preparing herself for a lifetime of being subjected to the whims of Major League Soccer (MLS) referees.

Image by Okan Caliskan

“Now bear in mind that USL referees are just awful as well and until you’ve experienced the terrible nature of MLS referees with the lack of coverage of the USL you haven’t experienced anything,” stated Ms. Sims to The Nutmeg News. “But I’m really trying to balance out my chakra and allow awareness of the upcoming lifetime of anger to slowly envelop my soul.”

Ms. Sims stated that she spent the last two weeks trying visualization exercises to allow her to experience the tragic sense of ennui that comes with the 14th poorly refereed game that she will watch this year.

“All things flow from the great magnet,” stated Ms. Sims. “I can see the call, I weep for the call, I process the call, I angrily tweet to no one in particular, I angrily post on Facebook, I complain to people I barely know about the call, I feel the feelings of grief, I process this grief, and I do it all over again. Visualization allows us to stimulate the creative subconscious and become emotionally stunted towards the future terrible calls in advance.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Sims finds that nothing can truly prepare one for the delight of MLS Referees and VAR.

Columbus Crew Fans Warn Young Children Of The Visitation Of Precourt On Crewsmas Eve

Columbus, OH - In Central Ohio folklore, Precourt is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as “half-goat, half-demon”, who, during the Crewsmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved. This contrasts with Saint Hejduk who rewards the well-behaved with totally rad stoke. Precourt is one of the companions of Commissioner Garber in several regions including Austin, New York, Chicago and Northern Michigan. The origin of the figure is unclear; some folklorists and anthropologists have postulated it as having pre-Crewsmas origins.

Precourt and Saint Hejduk visit a Columbus home in 1896 with Teddy Roosevelt smoking a hookah in the background.

In the aftermath of the Crew acquisition in Columbus, the Precourt tradition was prohibited by the Garber regime under the Ohio Front and the Crewsmas Social Party. In the 2017s, Crew fans distributed pamphlets titled “Precourt Is An Evil Man”. Towards the end of the decade, a popular resurgence of Precourt celebrations occurred and continues today.

Precourt carries chains, thought to symbolize the binding of Garber by the unread contract stipulations. He thrashes the chains for dramatic effect. Of more pagan origins are the Business Metrics, bundles of statistical paperwork that Precourt carries and with which he occasionally swats children and adults. The “business metrics” are replaced with a failing market whip in some representations. Sometimes Precourt appears with a sack or a basket strapped to his back; this is to cart off teams for drowning or transport to Austin. Some of the older versions make mention of naughty children being put in the bag and taken away.

Crewsmas is celebrated in parts of Ohio on the first opening game of the season. On the preceding evening, Precourt Night or Precourtnacht, the wicked devil appears on the streets. Sometimes accompanying St. Hejduk and sometimes on his own, Precourt visits homes and business attempting to secretly move them to another state.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Little Timmy Atkinson is told to finish his homework or Precourt will take him to Austin to force him to work on a tech startup that will winnovate the current inefficient methodology of diversified communications.

Loyal Fans Still Waiting For Chicago Fire Social Media Manager To Personally Fix Team Re-Brand

CHICAGO - Despite their daily barrage of soul deadening comments on nearly every post unrelated to the Chicago Fire re-brand, the loyal fans of the Chicago Fire are still waiting for the social media manager of the MLS side to personally fix the problem.

Market Penetration!

“People keep acting like there’s something I can do about it,” stated the manager of @ChicagoFire. “Nearly every single post that has a photo of a new flag or a new kit has a comment about the whole thing. It’s ridiculous.”

For their part, fans state that there’s nowhere else to complain other than the main account of the team as they inundate the account with ribald and witty statements such as, “Ur logo sucks.”

“We expect action and we expect it now,” stated one anonymous Fire fan. “I don’t care who reverses the re-brand, but someone over there needs to do something about it. I want change. I want blood. I also would like the beer to be affordable at Soldier Field and a new signing, but I just want ANY WARM BODY TO CHANGE THIS NOW.”

Despite this blank check issued by the fans, the social media team for the Fire appears to be unwilling to force through dramatic changes via any methodology, even though enabling a staged coup clearly worked for the United States in places like Iran, Nicaragua, Honduras and Panama.

“This isn’t part of our job? How do you expect that we can make this change,” stated the obviously very lazy social media manager. “Do you think that somehow I can make the change and I haven’t?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we wait for the Social Media team to rise up and seize the means of production of those new flags because… c’mon… folks…. c’mon…like… ur logo sucks.

Every Team In The World Looking To Sign Lionel Messi In 2021

Rumors were swirling, this week, that literally every single team in the world is looking to sign Barcelona superstar Lionel Messi in 2021.

Our reporters spoke to a number of staff members involved in teams across North America and it appears that the rumors are indeed true.

"We admit it,” stated Los Angeles Galaxy President Chris Klein. “We would love to have Lionel Messi on our team.”

“Absolutely,” stated Adam Pribyl of Minneapolis City SC. “We would love to see Messi here in Minneapolis.”

“We don’t deny that we would love to try to sign Messi,” stated Ian Russell, head coach of Reno 1868.

According to the world press, it isn’t just teams in the United States, but in places as far flung as Mexico, Uruguay and Quebec that are interested.

“Yes, we would love to sign Messi,” stated Duke Haverforth of the Quebec City Blueboys, an over 40 men’s soccer team in Canada. “We asked Dave if he would give up his number and he even said that he would think about it and Dave doesn’t normally even talk about giving up #10.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors continue to swirl of multiple teams in Major League Soccer looking to sign Lionel Messi.

Boston Welder Absolutely Certain He Knows Exactly What Happened With Ron Jans

Boston, MA - Welder and sports enthusiast Roger Smith stated that he is absolutely certain that he knows exactly what happened with former FC Cincinnati head coach Ron Jans.

“Granted I wasn’t there, didn’t hear about it until a day later, it’s not my team, and I’ve only caught up on all of this by reading Facebook comments and an article on Fox Sports….. but I think it’s pretty clear that ANTIFA CANCEL CULTURE PREVALENT IN THESE COLLEGE SOCCER LEFTISTS HAS CLAIMED ANOTHER VICTIM,” stated Smith to The Nutmeg News.

According to fact checkers for The Nutmeg News, the only people who actually know what happened are the staff and players for FC Cincinnati. Even with that, there are multiple (disputed) stories from multiple people, and it appears that this is a nuanced and sensitive situation with a wide variety of possible scenarios. However, none of this information stopped Mr. Smith from imposing his immediate judgement from a 1 bedroom apartment 870 miles away.

“This kind of culture is the kind that is going to say that I shouldn’t use racial slurs or talk about slavery being great to my subordinates. What good is it being in a position of power if you can’t abuse it by trying to make other people feel like they aren’t human beings,” stated Smith. “It’s not fair that I can’t say racial slurs. I’m gonna say one right now. What are you gonna do about it?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we bail out our reporter for punching Smith in the face.

CONCACAF Awards Point To LAFC For Moral Victory Of Not Losing By That Much Despite Being In Pre-Season

MIAMI - Sources within the Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football (CONCACAF) indicate that the league awarded a point to Los Angeles Football Club after their 2-0 loss to Club León for the achievement of not losing that much despite being in pre-season.

“We thought it was only fair to award LAFC a point for valiantly showing up with their under-trained and scrappy players,” stated one CONCACAF representative. “We know that it’s difficult to play these in form teams from Mexico and we know that LAFC didn’t start playing friendlies until January 25th and we know that they’ve only played four games before they played against León so we decided to equalize things by giving them a sympathy point… you know… for their effort.”

According to the rules of the tournament, LAFC can now advance in multiple ways. CONCACAF stipulated that the team can get an additional point for winning in the stands at home as well as playing valiantly and losing, again.

“If LAFC lose at home but they look like they really tried we can award them another point, and if the fans are able to really win in the stands then we can award an additional point. There’s a lot of ways for the team to earn points other than winning. The game isn’t really about winning anyway. It’s entirely possible that LAFC could advance in the tournament without winning either of their games if they are able to capitalize on all the bonus points available via fan petition,” stated CONCACAF secretary Dwight Evans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans petition to have the moral victory winner of the LAFC v León game in Los Angeles as the CONCACAF Champion for 2020.

MLS Announces Expansion To Doomsday Asteroid

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced, today, a new franchise in the league that will be located on the doomsday asteroid currently hurtling towards the world as a whole.

“We’ve been working with the Asteroid for some time,” stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. “And we are happy to announce that AC 163373 (2002 PZ39) United will be the 31st team in Major League Soccer.”

According to microbial sources on 163373 (2002 PZ39), the final hurdle was the composition of public financing for a stadium on the constantly hurdling piece of space rock.

“There is significant concern among the $#yyyd and the **see3333333 communities that the public financing will take away from our host commitment to the spores in our area. However, our asteroid president Jaque “W^^^^dfep” Roquefort announced today that he felt confident that there was enough money in the spore budget to build the stadium instead of the inter-dimensional hospital we’ve been planning upon for the last 200 centuries.”

League sources are reportedly thrilled as one insider stated, “How many teams does the English Premier League have on an asteroid… Huh? MLS.. LEAGUE OF CHOICE”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the stadium construction stops due to a problem with the location of the stadium in the middle of a gentrifying subdivision of bacterial growth.

Team Built Around The Ethos Of Playing Within The Five Boroughs Of New York City Announce Home Game In New Jersey

Harrison, NJ - A team built around the ethos of playing within the five boroughs of New York City announced today that they would be playing a home game in New Jersey as the search for a stadium that doesn’t cost 10 billion dollars rolls on for the sixth year.

Getty Images

“I know that we built ourselves and our brand around being THE team that plays in New York City, but. …. we… um… look… we already played in Hartford, Connecticut,” stated CEO Brad Sims.

Sources indicate that Red Bull Arena was the only option in the area for the game as the New York City FC communications team quickly attempted to defray the criticism that immediately spawned after word was leaked of the CONCACAF Champions League game.

“Harrison is Blue as well,” stated one staff remember who asked for anonymity. “I just hope that our fans can figure out how to make it out to the stadium via the PATH train. It’s actually quite easy to make it there from the city center.”

According to NYCFC fans, this situation is either a travesty bordering upon treason punishable by death or a completely understandable move based upon necessity.

“I WILL QUIT THIS TEAM AND BURN ALL MY MERCHANDISE TO THE GROUND RATHER THAN STEP ONE FOOT INTO NEW JERSEY,” stated NYCFC fan Gary Lebotair.

“This seems like a reasonable accommodation of our need to play this game. At least we are in the CONCACAF Champions League,” stated NYCFC fan Paula Evans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC fans plan to cross the Hudson River for a home game.

American Writer Abandons Christian Pulisic Article To Focus On Gio Reyna

NEW YORK - American soccer writer Brent Douglas abandoned his Christian Pulisic article about the recent injury setback of the Chelsea Player to focus his efforts on building the legend of Gio Reyna.

Titling his article, “The Future King: Gio Reyna,” Douglas waxed rhapsodic about the 18 year old after watching a replay of his goal scored on the 4th of February 2020.

“This young man has the potential to lead the United States into a new level of glory,” stated Douglas as he copied the words he previously wrote for Pulisic over to the Reyna article.

“In his feet lie the manifest destiny that will propel the United States into pure global footballing dominance.”

With a literary hook now written that is destined to be utilized as an enlarged quote in the piece, Douglas focused on finding out all the information he could about the player that he didn’t really know much about until his wondergoal against Bremen.

“I knew he was the son of Claudio,” stated Douglas. “But what I didn’t know is that the United States will win the world cup in a few years with his leadership. LONG LIVE THE NEW GREAT HOPE OF THE UNITED STATES, again.”

Douglas tried to temper his excitement somewhat as he teased his upcoming piece on Reyna by tweeting, “Has the United States found the new Pele, Messi or Ronaldo?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next United States youth international that scores in Europe will also receive this treatment.

OPINION: "Did You See That Ludicrous Display Last Night?"

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Steve Williams of Los Angeles, CA. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Williams do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

“So, everyone…. Did you see that ludicrous display last night? What was Shanahan thinking sending um…….Gropooloo um.. on early. You know, the thing about the 49ers is that they always try to walk it in! Well, you know I’ve been a 49ers fan most of my life but I have family that are Chieftans fans so it’s great for me no matter what.

It’s like when Bob Bradley was forced to put Mark-Anthony Kaye on the field after Latif Blessing had to come off due to injury. You know that Bradley didn’t adjust to the way in which the Sounders were disrupting the gameplan. You could say that Raul Ruidiaz is really just the same as.. um….. Mayhomes.

Did you know that BOTH of the owners of the teams in the game have stakes in Major League Soccer franchises? There’s probably a team near you that you could follow. Plus the NWSL is, well, mostly near you.

Have you ever been to a game? Well if you went to a game it would change your mind. Trust me, it’s much cheaper than an NFL game. Look, I’m not saying it’s better. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying it’s different. And Better. Trust me. Hey, look at this goal from the Premier League. Oh, what team do YOU support? You should just pick a team. Did we talk about that Mayhomes supports Sporting Kansas City? Well, a sporting is just like a collect… no… look… it’s like um an athletic club. Yeah… well… no I don’t know if they play more sports. Yes, it might be membership driven. Anyway…. Well I’m excited for 2020, personally. Oh yeah, and instead of talking about the game last night, which really was a ludicrous display, how about that halftime show! Oh yeah, and those commercials, some of which were really grea….er…. terrible… yeah… terrible. Anyway…..

Anyone ready for some Futbol?”