Soccer Fan Shocked As Chatroom For Illegal Online Premier League Stream Doesn't Have Any Racism

INTERNET - Soccer fan Jarrod Williams stated that he was completely shocked as the chatroom he logged into for an illegal online Premier League stream from the past weekend didn’t have any racism, sexism or blatant homophobia.

“I thought that it wasn’t working for a second,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “But then someone asked a question about the Brighton score and someone else responded without using a racial slur. It was completely baffling.”

Sources say that Williams claims to have logged into the only chat room that wasn’t a heaving pile of racist shit, this weekend, as researchers with the Guilloite Advanced Research Group (GARP) indicated his luck.

“We survey hundreds of chat rooms,” stated one baffled researcher. “In all of them it was what appears to be 13 year old kids typing racist words to 24 year old men responding with racist and homophobic slurs. The fact that Williams claims he found one is questionable at best.”

Sources with GARP say that Williams is being brought in for a cerebral scan to indicate whether he has any brain issues that would make him think this was the case.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams claims that he was able to click on a stream without getting 46 popups, 26 porn advertisements and 13 download attempts to his computer as researchers find a severe brain tumor in his frontal lobe.

In An Effort To Catch Up To Liga MX, Major League Soccer Mandates That Mexican Teams Use MLS Roster Rules During Leagues Cup

NEW YORK - In an effort to catch up to Liga MX after an abysmal performance in the CONCACAF Champions Cup, Major League Soccer (MLS) mandated that Mexican teams in the Leagues Cup be forced to use MLS roster rules.

“Teams like Tigres, Cruz Azul, Monterrey and Club America will be required to adhere to roster rules that we use here in Major League Soccer,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “They will only be allowed 3 designated players, and will be required to ensure that they are salary cap compliant.”

Sources say that Monterrey and Club America are already complaining about the 2024 Salary Budget of $5,470,000 as they attempt to figure out how to reconfigure their salary structure to ensure compliance.

“It’s like they are trying to figure out a way to intentionally make it possible to field a decent team,” stated one anonymous Liga MX owner. “There’s no way to actually have a roster capable of playing well with U-22 initiative slots and GAM/TAM.”

MLS sources were adamant that this was the way forward, for the competition, as they stated, “The only way to catch up to Liga MX is to ensure they actually go in reverse. We need to make certain they can’t actually spend money on players. Then and only then can we compete with them day in and day out.”

The nutmeg news will have more on this as Monterrey still manages to beat Inter Miami.

Claiming to Have Gained “Second Sight”, Caleb Porter Guarantees Revolution Will Win Supporter’s Shield, MLS Cup, Leagues Cup, Champions’ Cup & Club World Cup

FOXBOROUGH, MASSACHUSETTS – Mired in a then-winless season, New England Revolution’s coach Caleb Porter made a bold prediction prior to last weekend’s match against Charlotte FC – promising not only that the Revolution would get a result, but would outright beat Charlotte. This guarantee was made despite the team’s then 0-4-1 record, league-worst -7 goal differential, and immediately following a 4-0 drubbing at home by Liga MX side Club América in the CONCACAF Champion’s Cup. Porter’s guarantee ultimately held up, as the Revolution were able to hold on to a 1-0 victory gained by a Carles Gil goal scored during an unusually-long first half injury time. 

THE LISAN al GAIB!

During press availability at the Revolution’s training facilities outside of Woonsocket, Rhode Island, Porter announced that he had been “gifted with second sight” and that “the entire path of the Revolution’s future journey was revealed to me in a vision,” after the Charlotte win. He continued by stating he saw “as clear as I saw the moon passing before the sun today, that the Revolution will have world-historic results from this point out.” Porter then stated that he had gained “metaphysical certainty” that the Revolution would win MLS’s 2024 Supporter’s Shield – given to the team with the best overall record – 2024 MLS Cup, 2024 League’s Cup – the in-season tournament between MLS & Liga MX teams – as well as the 2025 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup – the continental competition of North American club soccer – and even the 2026 Club World Cup – the world-wide club competition to which the 2025 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup winner is invited. 

Asked by a member of the press pool covering the Revolution whether it was realistic for a team with a current 1-4-1 record – and who have been in all likelihood already been eliminated from 2024 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup before playing their next game – to achieve such lofty goals, Porter forcefully argued that not only were such results achievable, but were “mandated by the movement of the spheres, and I can see with absolute clarity through the lens of my third eye.” Requests to Porter for further elaboration on this prediction were met by undecipherable gibberish intermingled with what appeared to be repetitively-incanted mantra. 

After the press availability, The Nutmeg News reached out to the Revolution’s press department to see if the club could provide any more clarity on Porter’s statements and predictions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one press office official stated “backing up last week’s guarantee, together with something that happened during the [recent solar] eclipse, seems to have affected Porter in some profound way.”  

The official went on to say “it might have something to do with those knock-off eclipse glasses we bought off of Amazon; Caleb used those and seemed to spend an unusually long time looking at the eclipse. Shortly after that, his personality seems to have completely changed.” 

Revolution officials are said to be “monitoring closely” Porter’s current behavior, and have indicated if continued unrealistic predictions and unusual statements by Porter continue, it may “call for a rethink of our current coaching leadership to something more stable.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Revolution management – including owner Robert Kraft – make overtures about the possibility of bringing in the “steady hand” of former Revolution coach Bruce Arena. 

Earthquakes Fan Stares Directly At Eclipse So They Have An Excuse To Not Watch The Rest Of The Season

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Salvador Hernandez stated that he was pretty certain his extreme treatment worked as he stared directly at the eclipse without glasses of any kind so that he would have the excuse to not watch the rest of the season.

“It’s nice to finally have an excuse to not be able to watch the team,” stated Hernandez to The Nutmeg News. “Before I was blinded by the Sun’s powerful rays I couldn’t stop myself from watching this shit show every week, but now I have an actual excuse. I NO LONGER CAN SEE!”

Doctors say that Hernandez sight will return with care and treatment, however, Hernandez stated, “Well, we will see about that,” as he ripped off his bandages and tried to stare back up again.

“Mr Hernandez hasn’t suffered any long term damage and we expect him to be in tip top shape to watch the Earthquakes in time for the Summer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends catch Hernandez raging at the radio broadcast instead.

"SCHMETZER OUT" Posts Furious Sounders Fan To Social Media As He Fumes Over Teams Inability To Score Six Goals

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Brett Eastings reportedly posted “SCHMETZER OUT” to every single social media platform he had as he fumed and castigated the team for being unable to score six goals as they defeated the Montreal Impact, or Club De Foot Montreal, or Saputo’s Fighting Force Five, whatever it is these days, 5-0.

“This is just utter bullshit,” stated Eastings to Twitter and the comments section of Sounders At Heart. “This team should’ve hung six goals AT A BARE MINIMUM. They had a red card! It’s absolutely inexcusable.”

Sources say that Eastings has repeatedly called for the sacking of former Sounders player and current head coach Brian Schmetzer since the end of the 2022 season.

“He’s been pretty adamant that the game has passed Schmetzer by,” stated friend Jason Prentice. “I don’t really pay attention to it because I just had to mute him for mental health sake on Reddit and Twitter and Facebook.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Eastings threatens to bring a two-pole to the next home game if he can find a ticket and the time off from work and if he can find parking downtown and if he doesn’t have to go to Ikea for some reason or possibly out to Bremerton.

Gen-Z Savings Account Is Now Just A Closet Full Of Vintage Soccer Kits

LOS ANGELES - Gen-Z soccer fan David Hughes announced that his savings account is now just a closet full of soccer kits as he explained that he would fund his retirement with vintage and rare Forward Madison kits.

“I’ve got some real bangers in there,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve been searching vintage sites, and second hand stores and online shops for a while to build out what I think will be a good retirement path in the future.”

With his 401k devastated by market movement, a super charged housing market, most of his extra money going towards exorbitant rent, and unending student loan repayment, Hughes stated that he realized his only option was trying to hitch his financial future towards some kind of rarity market.

“A lot of my friends invested in Yu Gi Oh cards and rare Pokeman. I had some friends that really got into investing in POG futures. One friend got into creating Warhammer figurines and selling them online. Another tried to get into the sneaker game but the loan he took out to finance his initial purchases made all his future sales not as profitable. I figured that my way forward was to purchase vintage and lower league soccer kits for the time when everyone gets nostalgic over them in 20 or 30 years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes attempts and fails to fund a first and last payment on an apartment closer to his job by selling a game worn Totti kit on ebay.

Miami United Players Blame Translator Ippei Mizuhara For Bets On Team

MIAMI - Accusing translator Ippei Mizhuara of, “massive theft'“, allegedly tied to gambling, Miami United players stated that the Japanese/English translator Mizuhara was to blame for the US Open Cup bets on the team.

“No, he is not an official employee of Miami United,” stated one anonymous player. “However, we feel that right now is the time to blame Mizuhara for all of this.”

Gaming officials indicate that, allegedly, some Miami United players were caught betting on their own US Open Cup game. However, those in the know decry this as a misunderstanding of the situation.

“They were told by Mizuhara that he placed 4 million dollars in an ATM for them at the Hard Rock casino,” stated one source. “Mizuhara didn’t say where he got the money from but in order to access it they had to go, ‘place a bet.’ It was really a code word to access the money.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pete Rose releases a video calling the Miami United players trailblazers on a new frontier.