Media And Fans To Blame For US Loss

UNITED STATES - Soccer fans across the United States climbed online from the sewers of their parents basement to loudly acclaim that the recent loss of the United States to Panama in the Copa America was the result of the media and fans.

“THIS IS ON ALL THE NORMY FANS WHO DON’T SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT SHITPOSTING ON TWITTER ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HATE THE COACH OF OUR TEAM,” stated one Twitter account.

“I HATE THE FANS MORE THAN ANYONE,” stated one Twitter account. “THEY ARE DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TIM WEAH RED CARD AND LETTING IN TWO GOALS.”

Intelligent members of the USMNT Twitter community blamed the media, as well, as they indicated that if the media had ….. done things…. Berhalter wouldn’t have been hired which would stopped Tim Weah from getting a red card.

“It’s the media’s fault! They are directly responsible for not forcing the US Soccer Federation to hire someone new, as we all know that the media was responsible for hiring Berhalter in the first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these people continue to shitpost relentlessly online.

John Fisher Appoints Mark Kotsay As New Earthquakes Manager In Order To Oversee Move To Las Vegas

San Jose, CA - San Jose Earthquakes owner John Fisher stated that he was removing Luchi Gonzalez as head coach of the Earthquakes and appointing current Oakland Athletics manager Mark Kotsay to guide the Athletics and the Earthquakes to last place finishes as they prepare for their move to Las Vegas.

“Mark has the experience and vision to see us to dead last,” stated Fisher. “And he’s proven that he can work with inept and functionally stupid ownership and poor general managers to get the worst out of his teams.”

Sources say that Fisher brought Kotsay into the team in order to help with the transition for the Earthquakes to eventually play in Las Vegas via Sacramento as he tries to put out the worst possible team that anyone could watch.

“I need a new stadium,” stated Fisher when asked about the Earthquakes season. “I need the taxpayers to provide a new stadium, preferably on the strip adjacent to the Durango, they have good shrimp scampi. It’s all ball sports. Anyone can coach ball sports. Hit ball, shoot ball, it’s all the same.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Fisher trades players between the two teams in order to see how they would cope with a new sport.

Weston McKennie Admits That He Always Checks With Anonymous Online Dickheads Before Making Transfer Decisions

Arlington, TX - United States midfielder Weston McKennie admitted that he always checks in with anonymous online dickheads on Twitter and Facebook before making transfer decisions as the Juventus midfielder reportedly soured on FC Cincinnati.

“I was originally just interested in any team that would be interested in me,” stated McKennie, “However I checked in on my Twitter sources that I don’t know personally who constantly plan my career and @USMNTManager stated to his 54 followers that it would be the end of my career if I went to Major League Soccer and now I just don’t know.”

Sources say that McKennie’s interest in the situation was exploratory and respectful for any team that was asking about his services until he reviewed the random USMNT assholes who constantly post unending criticisms of the federation, team and coach to everyone forced to read their thoughts through their blue check account and advertising budget.

“I don’t know if Weston was actually going to go to FC Cincinnati,” stated one anonymous friend. “However, it became very clear that he was only going to be comfortable signing with the teams listed by @USMNTFreedomEagle23451343 as being a move forward in his career.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McKennie creates an alt account to ask whether it would be ok if McKennie went to Brentford next year or if that would be a disappointment to them.

USMNT Fan Uses Euros To Prepare For World Cup Effort Of Overrating A Team And Ranting Online When They Don't Perform

Omaha, Nebraska - USMNT super fan Josh Williams stated that he was using the ongoing Euros in order to prepare for his World Cup effort of overrating a team and then ranting about them online when they don’t perform well.

“With the lack of World Cup Qualification, I’ll need to get in shape ahead of time,” stated Williamson to The Nutmeg News. “I’m using England, right now, as a proxy for the United States so I’ve built them up in my mind to be a much better team than they actually are so that I can be incredibly disappointed about them when they lose.”

Sources say that Williams started the day on Facebook, Discord, LinkedIN, Instagram, Threads, Bluesky, Reddit and Twitter by hashtagging SOUTHGATEOUT and BERHALTEROUT.

“This is really the fault of the coaching staff and FA,” stated Williams as he prepares for the upcoming World Cup. “The players are better than they’ve ever been and less prepared.”

Friends state that Williams persona of being a know it all pedantic chronically online asshole is his one available quality as he ranted online about the selection process for the team.

“He’s really just getting warmed up now,” stated good friend Aiden Robertson. “I expect him to send me a whatsapp thread of his twitter feed and responses to his threads thread on the nuances of using wingback play at tournaments any day now.”

For his part, Williams stated that he, “doesn’t pretend to know all the answers,” however he followed this up with a thread online as he stated, “the FA and the USSF are really the problem for enabling terrible managers who don’t even know how to run a rondo during training.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams claims, “the US would be Denmark handily if they would just hire Klopp.”

Youth Soccer Player Plans Short Professional Career Before Transitioning Into A Mediocre And Unfireable General Manager For An MLS Team

TAMPA - Youth soccer player Jarrod Dawes stated that he was planning on having a short professional career before transitioning into a mediocre and unfireable General Manager for a Major League Soccer team.

It’s mostly the coaches fault, or the players fault, or even the owners fault. Never the fault of the General Manager.

“I’m going to ensure that I have just enough professional experience so that I can move into the front office without too much judgement, continue to collect a paycheck, and hide behind the poor efforts of my team,” stated Dawes to The Nutmeg News. “People will say that I have a,’unique insight to the league,’ while I make chicken shit out of chicken soup with unbalanced roster constructions that I can blame on the weird MLS league rules. If I play this just right the fans will talk about how it’s not my fault the team always underperforms even though ultimately I’m still the person putting together the team that gets our coach fired every 2 to 3 years.”

Sources say that Dawes began understanding the unending ability of an MLS General Manager and Technical Director to endure even the worst online criticism as he looked around the league at the number of players leaving teams, coaches fired and the same general managers staying and rotating around the teams as they continue to do a terrible job managing the rosters.

“It’s job security,” stated Dawes. “No one REALLY knows what my impact is necessarily and I can always blame bad luck, poor coaching, not having results that show our true quality, or a league conspiracy against us. Plus nearly every team makes the playoffs which is the bare minimum for claiming that we are building to something special every other year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dawes circles Atlanta United as his first club to attempt getting a Technical Director job in 15 years when Carlos Bocanegra finally leaves.