Former Fulham Fan Seems To Be Supporting Leeds Now

Omaha, NE - Friends state that long time die-hard Fulham fan Rocky Anderson appears to be supporting Leeds now as he stated, “This feels like the old times again,” after Leeds took a lead in the Carabao Cup.

“I remember Rocky being REALLY into the Fulhamerica thing,” stated friend David Harrison. “So I guess he is just doing it with Leeds this time.”

“Didn’t he really like Blackburn at one time, as well,” questioned friend Anne Stewart. “I think he has a Blackburn kit in his closet, an Anderlecht kit, a Bolton kit, an Everton kit and even a Stabæk kit. I never really knew which team he was going to pull out.”

Sources indicate that Anderson flipped to Leeds after casually lessening the amount of time he talked about Fulham online over the last 10 years until no one would actually know he ever swore his allegiance to them in the first place.

“I’m really just about watching the American kids develop into this new crop of talent in England,” stated the man who once indicated that he was Fulham til he die, on a Fulham message board, regardless of whether the team had American players or not.

“I’m just looking at a new future and it’s a future with Leeds. I watched The Damned United so I know what I’m getting myself into,” stated Anderson.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an Ebay account linked to Anderson lists a Clint Dempsey Fulham kit for sale.

Majority of 87,000 Armed IRS Agents Dedicated To Figuring Out Which Players Are Actually Designated Players In MLS

WASHINGTON - Sources indicate that the vast majority of the 87,000 armed IRS agents hired via the Inflation Reduction Act will be tasked by President Biden to figure out which players are actually designated players in Major League Soccer.

“No one REALLY knows anymore,” stated one insider source. “I mean we think Miami had upward of 13 over the last two seasons, and LAFC may have 46 designated players with some designated players actually playing in the USL. The agents must get to the bottom of this.”

Rumors swirled around the league after Miami FC were fined by the league for having players who should’ve been counted as designated players in 2020. With the Gareth Bale non-dp-dp players in the league, sources indicate that the IRS is ready to move on MLS in order to verify the books.

“This is a dangerous assignment,” stated one anonymous IRS source. “It is imperative that our agents be armed and moderately trained by playing Escape From Tarkov for 10 hours before they take the field. We expect resistence but we will not be swayed from our task. We WILL figure out how many designated players there are in the league and which players they are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as IRS investigators open a congressional inquiry into what the hell TAM has to do with anything.

FIFA 2023 To Contain Supporters Group Mode Where You Spend All Your Time Online Arguing About Literally Everything

INTERNET - EA Sports announced that the last FIFA game ever made, FIFA 2023, would contain a supporters group mode where you inhabit a virtual world as a player created protagonist who spends all their time arguing with strangers and friends about literally everything.

“This mode will allow our players to really delve into the mind of a supporters group member,” stated EA game architect Jerry Hernandez. “You can join a group, become passionate, become too passionate, fall out of favor, create a splinter group, become extremely passionate, become too passionate, get a year ban, create a second splinter group from the original splinter group and then spend the last 10 simulated years slowly sniping at people from anonymous online accounts while you increasingly find that you never liked soccer in the first place.”

Beta testers of the new mode indicate that it fully simulates the life cycle of a supporters group member from wide eyed noob to the passionate middle years to the bitter, cynical gatekeeping years to the too old but not leaving yet years where you use your ability to hold on to power as a desperate ploy to keep your relevance amongst people 20 to 30 years younger than yourself.

“We finally heard all of our fans and we’ve licensed Twitter, Instagram, Tik Tok, Reddit, Discord, Facebook Groups, Supporters specific forums, WhatsApp, and even LinkedIn for your online battlegrounds. Tell your friends to fuck off because they aren’t supporting the boys in your virtual family Facebook Group. Rant to your work associates about the closed soccer pyramid in the United States on LinkedIn and see how far you can go before you lose your job. Attempt to turn your career as a continual malcontent on your Supporters Group Discord into a stand up comedy gig that no one attends during open mic night! It’s IN THE GAME!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FIFA 2023 allows Supporters Group cross play between PC and console players as the PC players complain about the slur assist that console players get via X-Box controls.

Watchdog Claims Lack Of Oversight As Goalie Wars Enter Simmering Détente

WASHINGTON - The international watchdog overseeing keeper on keeper aggression (IWOKOK) claimed that the lack of oversight during the re-escalation of the Goalie Wars would lend itself to atrocities and endless war as the current armed conflict entered a simmering détente.

“The so-called victory of Alec Smir will only lead to a national arms race,” stated IWOKOK member Rachael Stewart. “Without oversite and the placement of international watchdogs local to the Goalie Wars we could be headed towards a secret conflagration that is only viewed by the elites as some kind of sick sport.”

Sources indicate that battle lines were drawn and state sponsored combatants engaged, recently, as the goalie wars once again took place in the Middle West.

“We had 21 years of peace,” stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. “This is a development that the world cannot simply sustain. We must have peace, and we must have accord.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the FBI reports they found codes to the nuclear goalkeeping arsenal at Mar-a-Lago.

Area Man Too Old For Supporters Group Shit Anymore

INTERNET - As soon as he turned 42, this weekend, soccer supporter Tom Hendricks stated, “I am too old for this shit,” as he decided against figuring out what the fresh round of supporters group drama was online and focused instead on planning his 2023 vacation.

Hendricks, 42, states that he doesn’t believe that being in a supporters group has aged him prematurely.

“I put in my time,” stated Hendricks. “I cared, at one point. I kept abrest of all the nuances and currents that floated around me. Then… I woke up on my birthday and said… you know what? Fuck it."

Sources indicate that Hendricks’ online presence seemed lighter and more focused on just having fun with his friends than usual.

“Usually by now he’d be ranting about people he doesn’t know and things he wasn’t around to see,” stated section friend Phillip Williams. “But all he tweeted out was that the weather looks like it’s going to be good in Costa Rica around January.”

For his part, Hendricks stated, “You know what…. nah,” when asked if he wanted the details of what happened. “It finally happened. I have better shit to do and after the 436th time this stuff has come up I’ve realized its really them and not me. Me? I’ve got some of my own shit to worry about.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hendricks relaxes in a hammock as he mutes the group chat of his soccer friends texting him screenshots.