Woman Wins MLS Final Fantasy League Week 32 With Bahamut and Drogba Acquisition

Edmond, OK - Oklahoma resident, soccer fan and part time podcaster on cos-play feminism, Darla Terry, recently won Week 32 of the Major League Soccer Final Fantasy League with a skilled Drogba and Bahamut acquisition and play.

"Is this the nerdiest thing I've ever put together? I mean probably by a factor of 200,000." - TNN Art Director Stephen Gotshalk

"I just thought that it would be an interesting combination after I dumped Dax McCarty and spent Week 31 leveling up Umaro after using Mog to get him in combination with a trade for Luis Robles." said Terry "I deployed Drogba on back line since he is all about Attack and his HP is low and I used Bahamut with Megaflare to protect him. Drogba is basically Cid if you think about it."

This skillful deployment and combination of Drogba and Bahamut earned Terry accolades for her aggressive and yet balanced play while backing up the two with Kaka as a healer and Rydia as a caller. "It was important to use Kaka with white magic and have a caller that could keep generating damage. I used Kaka to keep Drogba alive during the battle as he would cast heal spells while he was wearing his equipped running shoes. It's all in the details and the balance, you know?"
 

Ms Terry will have a difficult task ahead of her as she takes on Walt Firdman of San Luis Obispo, California and his dreaded Hydra, Cyle Larin, Cactrot play. "I'm not going to take it easy on her, but she is a skilled player and already will know that."

Cognitive Dissonance About US Open Cup Sends Soccer Fan Into Existential Crisis

Carson, CA - Trent Warren, a self-described 'soccer nut' found himself curled up in a fetal position on the floor of his companies bathroom as he tried to work through a severe state of cognitive dissonance. The mental fracture occurred after he learned that the US Open Cup game was scheduled to be broadcast on the West Coast at 4:00pm but he would be unable to leave work until 5:00pm. 

"I have no idea what to do right now," Warren stated as he wiped chunks of vomit away from his chin, "I have to watch this game even though I'm not a Philly or Kansas City fan but there's no way I can get off work early to do it."

Over the past year Warren has been working to promote the Open Cup games to his co-workers as the best sports tournament in America. He tells us that he was looking forward to being able to regale the highlights of the game to the blank stares and unfocused eyes of his co-workers in an attempt to enlighten them about American football.

"The problem is that I'm already planning on taking a long lunch tomorrow to watch my beloved Reds from Liverpool play Sion at 12:05 in the Europa League match. It's the tournament that I told everyone in the office is the greatest tournament in Europe. I was now facing a situation where I could either tell everyone about the Open Cup or the Europa League game and I couldn’t do both because if I cut work twice in a row I'd get fired for sure.  My boss still hasn't cooled off after he found out I hid out in an old conference room to watch world cup games all day."

Artists Depiction of Mr Warren

Warren recalled the exact moment when he felt the synapses in his brain begin to misfire and eventually snap, leaving him in a state where he was no longer able to control his bladder or make an informed decision.  "It happened when I was looking around on Twitter. I had already started to lean a bit towards supporting Liverpool over the two MLS teams, although they were at the final game and the Eurpoa League had just star-"

He paused mid-sentence to roll his eyes up back into his skull and allow a foamy froth to form around his lips. After evacuating his bowels he continued.

"-ted, but I have to stand by my Reds. Well I then read a tweet that said ‘All of you who have screamed for Open Cup TV coverage, this is your shot. Prove that the demand exists.’  I love all soccer so much I just couldn’t make a decision. It was at that point I heard a scratching or snapping sound in my skull and a warm tingling sensation down my left arm and right leg. I believe I also experienced my first black out.”

Warren was arrested and placed into the mental health ward of La Casa Psychiatric Health Facility and is awaiting trial for multiple criminal charges.  "It’s really better this way. There’s no soccer on the TV here but I will be able to get the scores from the newspaper. At least that way I can get all the information I need at one time.”

The Nutmeg News will provide updates once Warren realizes Europa League scores aren’t covered by the local newspaper.

Area Moron STILL Waiting For The Women's World Cup To Kick Off

Tampa, FL - Jimbo Jamison is still waiting for the Women's World Cup to kick off in 2015 as his loud exasperated cries rung out over the half eaten drumstick he shoveled into his mouth.

I'm all about my country and limited edition vintage pornography, but mostly my country.

"When this shit happening?" said Jamison to his friend Tom-Bill Dupris of Pensacola. "I was expecting them ladies runnin' round in short shorts and that time where I can yell USA out in the streets."

Lacking the ability to look things up on google, Mr. Jamison is still in the dark about the United States winning the world cup and the fact that the tournament has been over three months.

"I'll tell you WHAT, I expect we are gonna run them Russkies off the field. Be like LBJ just running tanks right through the middle of the Mekong Delta, which he would done if we hadn't been sold out to the commies! I mean that's why we got this soccer here in the first place, but I say Go USA, anyway." said Jamison as he reached for the tin of Macaroni and Cheese that accompanied his 8 piece dinner.

"Well, we got them new womens out there and they are fighting for our country on the field, god bless em. Now we just gotta take out the enemy, just like Brandi Chastain and the 99ers, bless their everloving rear ends."

The Nutmeg News will report from Mr Jamisons portable trailer in 2016 after he finds out he missed the tournament by a year.

Philadelphia Union Fans Wake Up Excited For Game For The First Time Since First Kick

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union fans the nation over woke up in an excited mood for the first time since the league kicked off in March and their season went into the toilet. 

So how exactly does this 'league' thing work?

"I ...... I just don't even know what to do with myself" said Ray Miller of the Fishtown neighborhood. "I feel positive. I... I just.... feel happy. I feel light and bubbly and I almost feel hopeful. Is this what fans of other teams feel like?"

Union fans have suffered through a season that has been more akin to repeatedly hitting yourself in the toe with a sledgehammer so this sudden thrust of optimism has rendered some in the fan-base apoplectic. 

"I'm happy, I'm mad, and I'm enraged that I can't be this happy all the time" said Juliet Evans of Olney. "Making it to the final of a tournament almost makes me more upset about our idiotic ownership that pissed away everything but this tournament this season."

With Union optimism at an all time high, the front office rushed to assure the fan-base that this is just the beginning of something.

"We want our fans to know that despite being on 9 wins for the season out of 34 games and only 34 points, that this cup final is the start of something." said Union financial investor Nick Sakiewicz. "Mostly, this cup final is the end of the season and a hopeful talking point for the end of the year, but at least that's better than our current slide out of the playoffs and slide out of relevance of the market here for the last two years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this optimism tomorrow where it has a 50/50 chance of being ground into paste and served as a horrible gruel desert to the end of the season.

Man Reluctantly Admits, "I Started Following Manchester United Because Of The Spice Girls"

Danbury, CT -  Local man, Bradley Stoltz, admitted on Saturday to a group of friends that he only started following Manchester United because of the Spice Girls.

Fedoras and Weddings will never go out of style. Ever. 

"Yeah, I was pretty shocked" said good friend Monica Blevins. "He said that he was watching the '2 become 1' video on MTV years ago and had these urges for Victoria Beckham. He admitted that he started surreptitiously following her after that and Victoria Beckham lead him to David Beckham which lead him to Manchester United. The rest is history."

While Stoltz may have one of the worst stories that has ever existed in regards to following Manchester United, he is adamant that this story is the truth.

"Who would make this up!" he exclaimed to a horrified group of United fans at his house for the recent match against Sunderland. "My lustful urges for Posh Spice lead me to the greatest club in England. I mean, if that isn't true love, I don't know what is."

While the adage, "you don't choose your team, your team chooses you" may seem trite, Mr Stoltz admitted that it seemed more of an appropriate way to find a team than his methodology.

"I'll admit that I chose with my cock, first. But after I learned to love the game, I gave up my urges for Mrs Beckham and forsook my cock while choosing United with my heart and my head. If my friends know anything about me, they know that I usually choose in this order anyway, so this likely makes complete sense," said Mr Stoltz

The Nutmeg News asked Ms Blevins about this statement and she stated the following, "He owns a signed laserdisc of Spice World that is mounted on the wall of his office. He is an idiot."

Fan Still Believes That Chivas USA Can Make The 2015 Playoffs

LOS ANGELES - Chivas USA fan Derrick Stanspich still holds out hope that Chivas USA can make the playoffs in 2015.

"Look, I know that the team doesn't exist, but honestly does it even matter if they play the first half of the season? Nearly every team makes the playoffs in Major League Soccer. I mean, it is actually more of an accomplishment if you don't make the playoffs because it really shows a true lack of ability to miss out something that the vast majority of teams can make just by existing and playing. So, no, I don't think it is impossible that Chivas USA could still make the playoffs."

The fans are clearly able to deal with longer odds than whether they could make the playoffs this season.

Mr Stanspich admitted that the lack of a team could hamper that ability but he stated, "All they need to do is get a few wins in a row and they would be right back in this. Look, Chicago crapped the bed the entire season and they only just got eliminated. The MLS season is about just simply existing and riding the up and down roller coaster of bizarre results and disjointed play. We could do that. We could make the playoffs."

When asked whether he though LAFC could make the playoffs Mr Stanspich said, "Well, say what you want to about Chivas USA, but at least we existed. You can't even say that about LA FC. Until they actually have a team that can play on the field, it's hard to say that they could actually fit the bare minimum to make the MLS playoffs, that is... existence."

Philadelphia Police Unsure Whether To Prepare For US Open Cup Riots

PHILADELPHIA - Police in Philadelphia are reportedly unsure as to their necessary level of preparedness for the US Open Cup Final on Wednesday Night.

I've already had enough problems with ONE union. I don't need another.

"We here in Philly have some tough fans. Everyone remembers the 2008 riots after the Phillies won the Championship," said Chief of Police Charles H. Ramsey " But honestly I don't even know what a US Open Cup is..... I thought that was a Tennis or Golf event." 

Ramsey admits that if the Eagles were playing in the Superbowl that the team would be increasing city police security to heights not seen before. "Yeah, if the Eagles were playing we would have patrols, blockades and officers ready to go in riot gear. I'll be honest though, I'm not even sure where this Philadelphia team plays. I mean, does anyone actually care enough about soccer to flip a car?"

While Ramsey said that the police aren't preparing complete riot scenarios they are taking measure to protect themselves, just in case.

"We ordered a few surface to air missiles, some tanks, 46 drones, and an anti-aircraft system utilizing the Union game as the justifying reason. So honestly, we may have to deploy a few drones and shoot a few bean bags to make this jive for the accountants."

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this after everyone figures out they would need to go to Chester to stop the potential riotous celebrations.

Unknown Ivory Coast Striker Added to MLS "38 Under 38" List

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced the addition of unknown Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba to their 38 Under 38 list.

This young lad is really ready to put himself about.

"The 38 Under 38 list highlights the best young players in our league and fully represents the resplendent future of the United States and Major League Soccer," said president of MLS Mark Abbott. " We feel that our inclusion of the of the best talent in the world at their position on this list will further bolster the case of our league being a top league in about 1 hour and 14 minutes or seven years."

The 38 Under 38 list includes such young talent as Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Andrea Pirlo, and now Didier Drogba who made his debut just six games ago. 

"This unknown Ivory Coast striker came to Major League Soccer from a provincial club in England where he gained experience that readied him for the rigors of this league" said commissioner Don Garber. "He has exploded on the scene in the United States and while he plays for Montreal, no one here will hold it against him that he temporarily lives in the 51st state. Mr Drogba has really shown his passion for the sixth place war is equal to his passion for playing in what the Europeans call 'the champions league final'. We here at Major League Soccer are proud to add him to our illustrious 38 Under 38 list and hope he has another incredible year left in him before he retires to a private island in the Maldives." 

THIS MORON LOVES HIS NIPPLES

San Jose, CA - Mattias Perez Garcia reportedly loves his nipples so much that he got a second yellow card just to show them to the crowd still left in the stands at Avaya Stadium who didn't wander down to the LOBINA and get drunk.

MY NIPPLES! YOU WILL LOVE THEM! YOU WILL HONOR THEM! YOU  WILL BASK IN THE GLORY!

Perez Garcia scored the game winning goal in the 87th minute during the Real Salt Lake and San Jose Earthquakes game but the game winning goal was reportedly not the impetus for him to rip his shirt off and get sent off on a second yellow card.

"I just love my nipples" said Perez Garcia. "I've nicknamed them Pablo and William Jefferson. They are amazing, aren't they? I mean, just look at them, sitting there, looking pretty. Who wouldn't take their shirt off if they had nipples like these. It is absolutely worth getting sent off and having my team play 9 minutes without me in a game that was absolutely necessary for us to win just so that you can all bask in the greatness of my nipples. My teammates say that they are the best they have seen, better than Wondolowski's nipples by far. His are too focused and narrow. Mine are glorious and free and smooth. Dance Pablo, DANCE!" he said as he flexed his chest muscle and fondly gazed at his nipple.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Perez Garcia's nipples as they appear and dance in our head.

Genius Amateur Tactician Admits, "None Of My Tactical Ideas Worked In FIFA"

Orlando, FL - After an all night binge session of playing FIFA 2016, Orlando City blogger David Matthews admitted, "None of my tactical ideas worked at all". 

While Matthews has long opined on tactics for the United States Men's Team and Orlando City, he finally decided to try his long espoused tactical variations that would "Totally Fix Everything" in a computer simulation.

Of course, overlapping wingbacks using midfielders as centerbacks and centerbacks as forwards! It makes complete sense on easy!

"I lost my first game 6-0 and had two players sent off," said a despondent and Cheetos encrusted Matthews. "The next game I lost 4-0, so I thought I was making progress. However, it didn't really seem to make a difference if I ran a 3-5-2 or a 3-4-3 or a 5-4-1, the result was the same. I would lose and lose and lose because of defensive errors on counter attacks or giving up long diagonal crosses that would expose my fullbacks."

While Matthews was flummoxed by the results he, reportedly, was unsure if perhaps he just wasn't any good at playing FIFA and decided to play three back to back seasons. When asked what the result of these seasons were he stated, "I was fired at the end of each one."

When asked what he did next Mr Matthews stated, "I turned the difficulty level down in the game and suddenly my ideas started working again."

While Mr Matthews may have had a temporary dip in confidence due to all of his tactical ideas being bullshit he states, "I've got my confidence back now. Playing at an easier difficulty level in the game makes it easier for me to play my unconventional style that would totally work in Major League Soccer or the Barclay's Premier League if given a chance."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Matthews writes a 2000 word essay on tactics after he thrashes his 9 year old brother Bobby.

Journalist Successfully Writes "Pato To MLS" Column Without Using Words "Mountain Of Cocaine"

Journalist Sam Brownbent successfully wrote a 1000 world column on Alexandre Pato going to Major League Soccer without using the phrase, "Mountain Of Cocaine" or referencing euphemisms like "partying" and "enjoys the nightlife".

There's an MLS club in Miami? It's owned by David Beckham? Like South Beach Miami? Like Don Johnson Miami? Excellent.

The Nutmeg News interviewed Mr Brownbent at his house in Worcester, Massachusetts about this achievement. 

"I'm pretty proud of this day and my achievement on this day" said Mr Brownbent "I was struggling throughout the whole column to really find a way to reference his potential character issues and the ways in which this would completely impact Major League Soccer wanting to take a flyer on a player like him. I managed to make it through an entire column without referencing any of that at all. I was able to completely frame the conversation about how his lack of recent success makes him less of a candidate to do well in the league."

While Mr Brownbent did manage to avoid using the words booger sugar and Peruvian marching powder he was unable to avoid using the word potential.

"Yeah, that's the difficult part about Pato, because he is all potential" said Brownbent. "His legacy is one of eternal potential, until he gets to 31, and then it is all missed-potential. While many in the European scene think he has missed having a great career, in MLS terms he is still an infant at 26. He could absolutely be picked up and playing for millions of dollars for a team in Miami in a few years. How well he is playing, though, is the question."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Pato's rumors with MLS as he continues to flit around Brazil on loan.

Major League Soccer Readies 36 More GIF Specialists In Anticipation Of Herrera Hire

NEW YORK - The recent attempt at acquiring Miguel Herrera as head coach of the Chicago Fire has forced Major League Soccer (MLS) to prepare to hire 36 more animated GIF specialists in order to cover the animated coach.

Never known to shy away from shameless self promotion, the league front office recognizes that they have a potential gold mine of overreactions, celebrations and freak outs from Herrera.

"We have one problem" said President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot "and that is that the Chicago Fire are so bad that Miguel might not have anything to celebrate. Realistically no one wants to watch sad Herrera GIFs but if we have to do that, we will. We are exploring swinging a 'few things' Chicago's way should they decide that he is the coach for them. You know, a little bit of the rub one way or another and a few players in their direction just to make this interesting. We don't want them too dominant but Herrera would be a fantastic watch if the Fire were good offensively and terrible defensively. Don and I will have to talk about making this happen."

Regardless of the team setup for next year, Abbot stated, "we are excited for the opportunity to catch this manic coach in his natural habitat and use this for shameless league promotion. Right now, his antics on the sideline would be more entertaining than 99% of the games Chicago played this season. We hope that it ends as well as our attempt to corral Chelis in Chivas USA from smoking on the sidelines."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we also profit on the possibility of the insanity of Herrera coaching for Chicago.

Creator Of ROCKtober Not Proud Of SCARFtember

Cleveland, OH - The creator of ROCKtober, Larry "RAGING UNCLE" Feldman, is reportedly ashamed of the Major League Soccer promotional idea of SCARFtember.

"When we created ROCKtober, we were reacting to a discriminatory and destitute radio system that would only play Simon and Garfunkel as they sat in coffee shops sipping tea and talking about their Marxist political systems. But we wanted to hear Cheap Trick, Megadeath and White Snake and drink Schlitz and get hammered while working on a plan to buy acid washed jeans." said Feldman while he DJ'd a current up-tempo Christian Contemporary set for WWJD 90.9. 

"....AND WERE BACK!!

WELCOME TO HEZEKIAH IN THE AFTERNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON" said Feldman into the microphone, "WITH YOUR BOY PAUL AND THE EPHESIAN! AND NOW SOME CLASSICS FROM PETRA!"

Feldman then continued the interview, "Yeah, what we did back then I'm not that proud of now seeing how much ROCKtober has sold out, but this SCARFtember? It's just awful. This isn't about getting your groove on and seeing Tawny Kitaen gyrating erotically while your bro complains about not being able to watch Donahue. SCARFtember is just about scarves.

There's nothing cool about scarves. Wearing a scarf in anything other than 30 degree weather is not cool. It's hot, why do you wear a scarf? They aren't sexy, they aren't cool, and in some climates its a bit like wearing a fedora with cargo shorts and croc sandals. But hey, I guess anything to make a buck these days. Me? I'm sticking with the original ethos of ROCKtober and that's Beer, Babes and hard edge music like Warrant."

The Nutmeg News will have more on SCARFtember when it tastes so good it makes a grown man cry.

Sepp Blatter Announces Donation To Swiss Attorney Generals Office

ZURICH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced a massive 200 million Euro private donation of his own money to the Swiss Attorney General's Office after the Swiss authorities opened criminal proceedings against the President of FIFA on suspicion of criminal mismanagement as well as suspicion of misappropriation.

Na na na na na say u wanna fly chick, imma ride or die chick... from the block
Think u could handle this prolly not jus a lil tease and ur heart will stop

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Blatter about the donation and he had the following to say, "This is just my way of showing that regardless of the faulty charges lobbed against me by the intellectuals and morally bankrupt west, that I still love our local government. I'm hoping that all my charitable *cough* donations over the years will mask my reckless financial misappropriation so that the attorney general will see fit to drop all the charges against me."

When asked whether or not he considers his donation a bribe, Blatter stated, "My good boy, don't you understand that I'm merely giving them hundreds of millions of Euros with no intention of receiving anything in return. There's absolutely nothing untoward about donating hundreds of millions of euros to someone and just waiting for the generosity of the world to extricate you from this situation. It's like when we built my fortress on the hill above Berchtesgaden, but... well.. you wouldn't know about that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Blatter as he turns slowly like a roast pig at a luau.

Rec League Roundup: Your Coach On Your New Team Wants To Play A 3-4-3 With An Offside Trap

Well, it's true. Your coach on that team you joined because you wanted to gain some fitness and lose some weight this fall wants to play a 3-4-3 with an offside trap in a rec league more renowned for having players that passed out drunk in the sun while the game is going on than actual decent play.

"GUYS, WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO IS PLAY SOME REAL BEAUTIFUL FOOTBALL", he screams at you as you limber up, trying desperately to shake 10 years of inactivity from your bones.

I TOLD YOU TO SHOW FOR THE BALL AND THEN PEEL OFF TO PLAY A ONE-TWO WITH THE FULLBACK! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!

"Back when I was on the bench as an equipment manager for U-Conn... That's D-1 folks... We played this system and I watched the boys take it to the quarterfinals of a local tournament" he says before setting out cones in a pattern for you to run and yelling at two guys who showed up 45 minutes late because they are thinking about quitting before you play even one game this season.

"This team is going to play some real beautiful stuff" he repeats as you realize he isn't even dressed to go out on the field.

"That's right, I blew out my ACL during a slide tackle to save a goal and my job working as a temp for Wal-Mart doesn't cover the insurance to get it fixed. Don't worry, I'll be available if I need to go out there, I've got a brace."

While you know that only 20 minutes into the season that your team is going to abandon this gameplan because the league referees are so awful that they can't tell whether you are playing someone onside or not and all your centerbacks are so old and slow that they can't track back fast enough to cover the 19 year old kids you are playing against which will lead to your team being down 6-0 in the first half, you still go through the motions to appease him because most of the team doesn't know each other well enough to call bullshit on him yet.

"Goddamit larry I told you to RUN!" he screams as you consider again why you signed up for this experience.

How many times do I have to illustrate this for you guys. We are going to attack here and then take them out of position! Memorize this! GOD!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as you shift to a 3-5-1 with wingback play, because "that 3-4-3 was too ambitious and complicated for you guys to start with."

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Real Salt Lake

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, Seattle, and Real Salt Lake. These men and women share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: Real Salt Lake

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Seattle

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men and women involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, Seattle and Salt Lake. These men and women share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

The Sixth Place War: Seattle

Letters From The Sixth Place War: San Jose

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in the battle for The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, and Seattle. These men share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: San Jose

Letters From The Sixth Place War: Portland Timbers

The Nutmeg News historical preservation society has unearthed a treasure trove of letters from men and women involved in The Sixth Place War. Due to our preservation efforts over the last two days, TNN has been able to restore these letters to a readable state for our documentary on the subject.

Over the next three days, The Nutmeg News will release letters from men involved in The Sixth Place War that took part in the battles for San Jose, Portland, and Seattle. These men share with us their heroism in the face of daunting odds to become a decidedly mediocre team that somehow isn't quite bad enough to be 7th place, but also likely isn't good enough to be in fifth place.

There may be surprises in store for all of us as we comb over these historical documents to reveal the ascent of some regiments and companies, where others are slaughtered for the honor and glory of being roughly the 11th place team in the league.

And Now....

THE SIXTH PLACE WAR: Portland

A Tradition Unlike Any Other: 10 Years Of Releasing MLSPU Salary Numbers And 10 Years Of Owners Denying Them

The semi-annual release of the Major League Soccer Player Union salary numbers for each player in the league has now coincided with the desperate attempt by league ownership and investment groups to dispel the numbers and re-frame the information as wholly inaccurate for 10 years now. 

"We just want people to know, again, that despite our desire to not actually release any of the numbers themselves that the only numbers you see every year, twice a year since 2007 are completely false," said a collection of owners at a high top mountain chalet conference in Patagonia for Bentley Ownership in North America.

C.R.E.A.M. -- is invalid because you don't know the real costs and how much people are making. All I can tell you is that your estimates of how MUCH cash rules everything around me are way off base. Completely wrong. NO, I WONT TELL YOU BY HOW MUCH. 

"Categorically we are here to tell you that the only data that you ever have had for salaries in our league is false. Also, we will not give you any of the correct data because fuck you. You, the fan, don't deserve to know anything about what we pay for anything. I mean we leak incorrect numbers in regards to compensation for transfer fees, acquisitions, stadium expansion, and franchise expansion all the time. This is nothing new. In summation, pay us our money and stop asking questions."

Journalists celebrated the 10 year milestone by saying, "oh great, not this time of year again" with some admitting that they just reflexively put "numbers aren't correct and just an idea of what is going on" so that they don't get yelled at by owner operators of the MLS franchises that they cover.

"It just isn't worth the time to argue about them anymore. I mean, they are likely very accurate, but the owners say they aren't and the fans are supposed to be completely stupid and in the dark about anything financial with this league, so really we, the journalists, don't have anything to go on." said Dave Tedway of the Chicago Trumpet.

The Nutmeg News talked to several players on the league minimum, to verify this side of the story.

"I don't know what they are on, the number is absolutely true. I mean, I'm not counting stealing breakfast from the training room and getting a per-diem when we visit Orlando City as a benefit to my salary" said Patrick Doody of the Chicago Fire.

"Yes, compared to David Villa, or your regular mid level accountant, I'm broke. But I guess at least I get all the free advocare that I can stomach. I mean $50,000 goes a long way in the New York/New Jersey metroplex" said Connor Brandt

While the players, fans and media are all tired of the constant stupidity that happens every year around this time, the owners remain steadfast in their ability to shrug off the criticism.

The Nutmeg News sent an request to the front office of Major League Soccer in regards to the published numbers and received the following response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens for the next 10 years.