Procrastinating Soccer Fan Goes As Soccer Fan For Halloween

Kansas City, KS - Procrastinating soccer fan Ashely Iswale finally caved to the pressure of the ticking clock and decided to go as a soccer fan for Halloween as she donned every scarf and piece of team gear she had in her closet.

ALL THE GEAR.... ALL OF IT.

"I couldn't think of anything to dress up as for this Halloween. I wasn't going to be Harley Quinn, and I was a lego person last year, and look...... I just couldn't think of anything I really wanted to do, this season," stated Iswale to The Nutmeg News. 

Reportedly, Iswale rooted through her closet for every single piece of clothing and wearable memorabilia related to Sporting Kansas City and the Kansas City Wizards that she could wear as she drenched herself in gear.

"I put on a throwback Jimmy Conrad Wizards kit, a SKC long sleeve t-shirt under that, a SKC Windbreaker, SKC pants, four scarves, a headband that i found in the Cauldron,  and even a branded SKC drink coozy," stated Iswale. 

Even Iswale admitted to being surprised by how much branded Kansas City soccer gear she had in her closet, but according to her Facebook status, "it did make my decision easier."

"I'm not certain when I got to the point when I could dress all in my team's gear from head to toe, but at this point I'm just happy I have something I can go as for Halloween without having to spend any additional money."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Iswale runs into her friend Carla Crowdin who decided to go full kit wanker.

D.C. United Announce Plans To Keep Ben Olsen And Flame Out Of Playoffs In 2017

WASHINGTON - D.C. United ownership, today, announced their 2017 plans to keep Ben Olsen as head coach and flame out of the playoffs in the first round again detailing an explicit plan to keep TRADITION alive as they announce new stadium renderings in the coming year.

Five more years of Bennyball! And more gloves! WAY MORE GLOVES!

"With Ben, we plan on keeping our commitment to playing poorly through most of the year, catching fire, making the playoffs, then failing to advance," stated United owner Erick Thohir. "It's important to our motto of TRADITION to keep the consistency of the past few years alive, and we feel that Ben is the best way for us to keep this playoffs thing on the cheap going."

Reportedly, the ownership of D.C. United are more concerned about their efforts to actually have a stadium in a few years, so how the team plays is not being prioritized.

"We just need to get through this construction phase, and then we will be concerned about selling season tickets. Making the playoffs is nice, but at this point we just need the team to exist for a few more years before we come back to the whole, 'winning in the playoffs,' business."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the TNN Curse (TM) catches Olsen.

OPINION: Models Of Consistency, PRO Keep Same Regular Season Standards During Playoffs

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion comes from Thomas Zubaj of New York City, NY. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Zubaj do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

We must talk, Mr. Vermes. You are wrong. If we can all agree on anything it is that MLS referees the league over have kept their incredibly low standard of execution as the regular season moved into the playoffs.

Why would they apologize for something they consistently do on a game by game basis nearly every single week during the regular season?

While correctly disallowing an offside Matt Besler goal and incorrectly letting in an offside Nelson Valdez headed goal, PRO again showed that they are dedicated to keeping the same level of commitment shown during the regular season where they wandered around on the field with the manic intensity of a titmouse.

All fans the league over can commend PRO for continuing to miss calls with the same level of execution that they do during the regular season. 

If anything, PRO and MLS should be praised for finally finding the level of consistent inconsistency with the referees that adjudicate their games. Everyone now knows that the referee and linesmen in any game are going to be complete shit in nearly every game, so much so that it surprises each and every one of us when the referees are good! 

I can tell you that you are wrong, Mr. Vermes, because PRO is a model of inefficiency and inconsistency. They owe you no apology, because if they started apologizing for every time they screwed up  we would never get the next playoff game started and I can't wait to watch my beloved Red Bulls fall victim to their horrible game management and inequitable calls.

Sincerely and affectionately yours,

Thomas Zubaj

New York

Fans Of Winning Team Shocked That Fans Of Losing Team Disagree With Game Result

Seattle, WA - Fans of the Seattle Sounders were reportedly shocked that fans of Sporting Kansas City disagreed with their assessment of the controversial calls and end result of the Seattle Sounders - Sporting Kansas City playoff game.

It's only offside if you count his head, and his feet, and well, nearly everything.

"They think they shoulda won? WHAT?! How is that even possible," stated Bill Stevens from Tacoma. "Next thing you are going to tell me, they are going to disagree with the calls in the game. This is PREPOSTEROUS!"

After the hard fought 1-0 win for the Sounders advanced them to the next round of the playoffs, Sporting Kansas City fans were upset regarding a number of calls during the game that would directly have impacted the result of the game overall including a called back goal, a missing second yellow card and an offside goal by Nelson Valdez. 

It appears, though, that the civility of modern life is now torn asunder as fans of SKC vehemently disagree with fans of the Sounders that the Sounders should have won the game.

"How can we live as a society if SKC fans and Sounders fans disagree over the result of this game," stated Monica Gonzalez from Federal Way. "This is an indictment on our fast-paced social media and instant gratification society. It just reinforces why I now home school my kids and don't give them vaccinations."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as different fans from different teams find that they don't agree on anything!

After Repeated Viewings Of The Firm, Fledgling Sounders Casual Prepares Suit And Tie For Tonight's Game

Seattle, WA - After repeated viewings of the movie The Firm, fledgling Seattle Sounders casual Wesley Thorgood admitted that he is ready to go full proper lad in a suit and tie to tonight's Sounders - Sporting Kansas City playoff game.

WHO ARE YA! WHO ARE YA! WHO ARE YA!

"I was told that I needed to work on my knowledge of soccer as well as the supporters scenes that go along with them, so I watched The Firm last night," stated Thorgood to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "I'm not entirely certain what Tom Cruise has to do with soccer hooligans, but I guess that's just something I'm not meant to understand."

Reportedly, friends gave a number of suggestions to Mr. Thorgood regarding the movies he could watch, but he was only able to find The Firm available on his streaming services.

"They said The Firm was one of the ones to watch alongside Green Street Hooligans and The Football Factory. I couldn't seem to find the other two, so I watched The Firm. Honestly, it just really confused me about the whole casuals scene because I don't know how you can be a casual while dressing in a suit and tie."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Thorgood starts his own "Dapper Lads Casuals Firm" where members are required to wear a suit and carry a briefcase.

Embratsu Deep Magik Details How Real Salt Lake Fans Will Recover From Devastating Loss

Salt Lake City, UT - Deacons of the Church of Embratsu admitted that their usage of Deep Magik while practicing their religion of Embratsu has indicated how Real Salt Lake fans will recover from the upcoming loss, the will of the unicorn rainbow gods be praised.

Woe be unto you, unbeliever.

"Our love shall dissipate into a whirlwind of pain," stated Great-Grand Deacon Steven Purtoise. "We will accept the pain and the will of the gods. We will then devour a cold coffee, a stale bread, listen to Lucretia, My Reflection by The Sisters of Mercy and inhale the vaped essence of Clove Smoke as our sacrament dictates."

Reportedly, fans within the Church of Embratsu indicate their willingness to embrace the awful and to love the suck extends to their upcoming playoff loss which will fill their essence with the nothingness of rainbow unicorn tears falling delicately onto a hammered dulcimer string made of razor blades.

"Only in pain can we survive to understand that there will be another season of disappointment ahead," stated Underling Nadia Brachovsky of Sugarhouse. "We must love our pain and roll with it in the tall supple grass of our Earth Mother that will whip us with the seeds of never ending sorrow."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Church of Embratsu readies their presence for the beginning times.

Landon Donovan Congratulates Self For Dragging Team Into Playoffs

LOS ANGELES - Prior to the Los Angeles Galaxy's first playoff game, international superstar Landon Donovan congratulated himself for dragging the Galaxy into the playoffs with his return.

In a 30 minute special that will air on MLSSoccer.com, Donovan sits down with himself to discuss himself and the lift that he provided to the Galaxy.

"Six games, Lando, six games," stated Donovan into a carefully positioned mirror that reflected his own visage back at himself. "That's all the team needed from your passion and effort to finally break the camel's back and make it into the playoffs. Those other guys didn't know they needed to be rescued, but they did. And now we are on our way to the cup again."

Reportedly, Donovan didn't originally think of doing a one man special talking to himself about himself into a mirror until a friend suggested that he should think about it.

"And then I realized that ... yes... I SHOULD tell the story of myself, to myself, about myself, for other to see so that they can understand how I brought the Galaxy back to relevance."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Donovan dedicates the Galaxy playoff game to himself with the hashtag #WinForLando

Major League Soccer Releases New Playoff Video Detailing, "How To Use Your Hands During A Game"

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today released a new playoff video dedicated to educating their ignorant fan-base on what to do with their hands during the upcoming MLS playoff games on the 26th and 27th of October.

This video is for people who have passed remedial cheering 101 and advanced profanity 202.

"Your hands are attached to your arms," states the video produced by Major League Soccer. "And you can use them for many things during a game!"

Reportedly, the video tells fans that they can use their hands to clap, to point, to show something, to celebrate, and to castigate but in a upstanding and understanding way.

"You too can have a purpose with your hands that you never thought would be possible," states the 105 minute long video narrated by a hologram of Orson Welles. "A fine thing to do with your hands is to gesticulate, but not in a profane way. No fan should use their hands for ill deeds."

The Nutmeg News will have more when the Philadelphia Union release a video titled, "Urinals and You Part 4: Appropriate approaches and stream mitigation for needy bladders."

With 8 Hours Til MLS Playoffs, There's Only 10 Hours Til One Group Of Fans Stops Caring About MLS Playoffs

TORONTO - With 8 hours until the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs, there's only 10 hours until fans of either the Philadelphia Union or Toronto FC stop caring about the MLS playoffs entirely.

TWO WILL ENTER

ONE WILL MOVE ON

THE OTHER ONE WILL FINISH THEIR DRINKS AND FOCUS ON WORK THEY NEED TO FINISH AROUND THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND

The Nutmeg News spoke to fans on the street to get their opinion on the upcoming clash.

"I only have 10 hours until my team moves on in the playoffs or I'm checking the lineup for tomorrows Panthers/Leaf's clash," stated Susan Reynolds of Richmond Hill, Ontario. "I'm hoping that TFC moves on, but honestly my interest in this league extends to Toronto FC. Once they are out, I'm out. I'm not about to watch Montreal play when I'm concerned about what is going on with Frederik Andersen."

Visiting Philadelphia fans had the same opinion as their Toronto counterparts as Nathan Fredrikson of Willow Grove, PA stated, "I've got a laundry list of things to do. While I do hope that the Union make it to the next round, if they don't.... well... it'll be time for me to start working on the house again on the weekend and taking the kids out to the Please Touch Museum on the weekend. I'm not about to go watch Seattle and Kansas City when I can watch the Jaguars and the Titans on Thursday night instead."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both sets of fans await the offseason.

NASL Commissioner Sends Thank You Note To The Portland Timbers For The Massive Distraction

NEW YORK - The commissioner of the North American Soccer League (NASL), Bill Peterson, sent a message of thanks to the Portland Timbers for overshadowing the leagues swift descent into the bowels of irrelevance after plunging to a possible 9 team league for the 2017 season.

"Dear Merritt,

I hope this letter finds you well."

"As much as it is an awful thing for those players, no one is talking about all the teams leaving our league and the issues involved with running a league that is drifting slowly towards insolvency," stated Peterson to The Nutmeg News.

Reportedly, Peterson is extremely excited that there isn't a huge push right now to discuss the losses of Minnesota United, Tampa Bay Rowdies, Ottawa Fury, the rumored loss of Rayo OKC, and the financial struggles of the Fort Lauderdale Strikers.

"I don't care if it is Godzilla attacking NYC or two jackasses out drinking, At least my phone hasn't been ringing with reporters asking about the solvency of a league with 7 teams, I mean 9.... yes.... NINE teams. That's right, NINE IS ENOUGH. SHUT UP."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the NASL as they attempt to figure out who is going to be watching the league in 2017.

Argument About Legacy of Blur And Oasis Splits Whitecaps Casuals Firm

VANCOUVER - An argument over the legacy of the band Blur and the band Oasis split the Maple Leaf Lads Casuals firm prior to the Whitecaps game against the Portland Timbers on Sunday.

"BLUR WAS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL ROCK BAND IN MUSIC HISTORY," a Lonsdale of London wearing Kevin McKenzie shouted at his Stone Island sporting friend Roger Samuelson on the concourse of BC Place. "Oasis can't even lick the taint of Damon Albarn, what in the hell are you talking about?"

Reportedly, the beef started prior to the game when Samuelson continued needling a irritated McKenzie while they walked to the stadium about the impact of Oasis on the music  scene of the 1990's and the arc of human history.

"You know as well as I do that Noel Gallagher has more musical talent in his body than we ever have seen out of Graham Coxon," stated Samuelson while he attempted to stifle a smile and kicked his official Adidas gazelles. "Plus, do you honestly think Dave Rowntree can hold Tony McCarroll's jock? GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT SHIT. Also, you liked Shaun Pejic and he was SHIT."

Fans in the area also report that Samuelson  also has serious opinions on Kendall Waston, but that the duo continued to argue about mid 90's British bands until their friends had to separate them as Samuelson yelled, "THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE QUEEN WAS A BIG PILE OF SHIT."

Reporters for The Nutmeg News can confirm that Samuelson and McKenzie were seen hugging and screaming together after the fourth goal went in against the Portland Timbers thus ruining their epic fight.

Functioning Alcoholic Really Needs Season To End

Kansas City, MO - Sporting KC fan and functioning alcoholic Jeremy Bevens was reportedly experiencing mixed feelings about the end of the year as he looked forward to the final 90 minutes of the Major League Soccer (MLS) regular season this weekend.

Welp, time for another game!

"Well, I drink when there's a game," stated Bevens to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "And I drink before and after, and with the recent stress of the battle for the playoffs.... well.... it's kinda gotten a bit out of control, recently."

With Sporting Kansas City in two competitions, and three earlier in the year, Bevens was drinking heavily two to three days a week and as the season carried on he noticed that his breaks without alcohol were getting fewer and fewer.

"I'm a social drinker. Honestly, I really am. I was socially drinking with the MLS regular season, then it was the US Open Cup, then the Royals started back up, then it was the CONCACAF Champions League, then it was the Chiefs starting back up. I mean, when you combine that with the social drinking that goes along with work and friends, I'm having a few or more drinks nearly every night."

Bevens says that is is primarily soccer that has him drinking this much, but that his team performs better when he drinks.

"Beer is great as an opener, but I noticed that they were better off on the field if I started to switch to scotch half way through the game. I've been drinking a lot more scotch as a result. Look, I made a promise to my wife that I'm going to take a break from drinking after the soccer season, but I really want Sporting KC to keep on winning. I told Sandra that I'm not going to decide between my love of my team and my sobriety. I passionately want Sporting to make the playoffs, for many reasons that aren't entirely related to the fact that I picked up two bottles of whisky and a couple 12 packs for this weekend's game."

Bevens stated that a deep playoff run will really allow him to keep drinking at the pace that he has been over the last two months, but his doctors warn him that his health demands that his soccer team get knocked out immediately if that would stop him from quickly pickling his liver and body.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bevens remembers that long Chiefs tailgates allow him another socially acceptable method of heavy drinking on the weekends.

32 Year Old Welder Puts Together Bid For UEFA Champions League Final

Waxahachie, TX - Larry Burrows, a 32 year old welder and former pipefitter, stated that he and a group of friends were putting together a bid for the UEFA Champions League Final to be held at Lumpkins Stadium in beautiful Waxahachie, Texas.

Just wait til Real Madrid gets a load of this.

Burrows stated that he read about the possibility of UEFA allowing the Champions League final to be placed to a bid status which would allow the championship to be played outside Europe and he recruited local business owners and started a kickstarter to have Europe's ultimate Soccer championship be held at the relatively newly renovated stadium in Waxahachie.

"I'm tellin ya, there ain't no way this ain't happenin," stated Burrows to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Well, the boys and I realized that what was good for Waxahachie was good for the region and we got some money together. Now, ya'll know I'm not a man to brag for the occasion, but we will get some of them Spaniard fellas down here playing that soccer ball."

Reportedly, Burrows attempted to get sponsors on board as he hinted at a potential sponsorship deal with snuff company Copenhagen and fried chicken restaurant Church's Chicken to make the Copenhagen 2017 UEFA Champions League Final brought to you by Church's Chicken a possibility.

"We gonna have a parade, we gonna have a shoot off, them boys are gonna have a great time! We'll have a pancake feed at the Knights of Columbus hall, and we can get Billy Jay to cook up some of his world famous ribs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Burrows shows up to UEFA President Aleksander Ceferin's residence with a briefcase of money.

Game Against Saprissa Is Golden Opportunity For Timbers Fan To Test His Recollection Of Remedial Spanish

Portland, OR - According to inside sources, tonight's CONCACAF Champions League game against Deportivo Saprissa is a golden opportunity for Timbers fan Paul Anderson to test out his recollection of remedial Spanish that he learned at Wilson High School over 18 years ago.

Yes, this should work out perfectly.

"I'm pretty certain that I'm going to recall everything correctly, but I'm also going to ensure that I drink a lot before starting to swear at players in Spanish," stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. 

While fully aware that no player will likely hear his prodigious voice, Anderson  stated that the effort was still necessary as he claimed, "I'd be letting my team down if I didn't try to cobble together a phrase about how dishonorable a players mother is, in Spanish."  Anderson also claimed that he would start with some innocent swears, like pendejo, as a warm up and move on to more forceful language if necessary. 

"I know there are words that I'm not supposed to say, but I can't remember if that is the word with the A in it or the word with the O in it. Either way, I'm sure it will all work out. This is going to be fun."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the fans that stand around Mr Anderson and they claim that his ability to drunkenly make a scene is on another level.

"I am absolutely terrified for tonight," stated Robert Barahona. "I'm already planning on having to break up fights over what is perceived that he said. The only thing worse than Paul trying to swear in Spanish is all the other fans around him that have no clue what he just said, are drunk them-self and misunderstand his swears as something terrible. God help us all"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson quickly uses an online website that reportedly gives him the, "10 Spanish phrases you aren't supposed to say," in preparation for tonight's game.

Montreal Impact Pull Internet And Car Privileges From Tantrum Throwing Drogba

MONTREAL - In a press conference today, Joey Saputo announced that the Montreal Impact were pulling the internet and car privileges from Didier Drogba after his pre-game tantrum over being named to the substitutes bench.

Roman is having a party this weekend and you said I could go. THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR.

"We had a conversation and I notified Didier that this was unacceptable behavior. I asked him what he thought his mother would think about this, and notified him that we weren't mad, just disappointed. We also then informed him that he was grounded for two weeks, and that we were pulling his internet and car privileges while he was grounded. I instructed the tech team to change the password on the wifi. That'll show him."

Reportedly, Drogba was still upset over the Impact not allowing him to purchase additional skins on Overwatch and took his tantrum to the next level when he found out that he was named to the bench for the clash against Toronto FC.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD," screamed a petulant Drogba before he slammed the door on his bedroom and threw himself on his bed while texting Frank Lampard to see if he was having the same difficulties with HIS dad.

"Didier knows what he did, and the sooner he admits this to us the sooner that we can all take that family road trip to Disney World that I promised him we would take when I was deflecting attention away from the fact that we didn't have a great birthday celebration for him," stated head coach Mauro Biello.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Drogba climbs out of the window of his bedroom to sneak off to Napoli for the weekend.

Revolution Fan Shocked To Find That Atlanta Falcons Ownership Group Gives Equal Billing To Soccer Team

BOSTON - New England Revolution fan Dominic Marciano admitted that he was shocked to find that the NFL ownership group of the new Atlanta United franchise was giving equal billing the nascent soccer team.

PHOTO: Allie Bartelski

"Cross brand promotion? Equal billing? What is this shit?!"

"I always thought there was a law that you couldn't do advertising, promotions and give your soccer team equal billing if you own an NFL franchise," stated Marciano to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. "I'm just baffled by this decision by Arthur Blank and the Atlanta Falcons."

Reportedly, Marciano only has his direct experience as a guide to what teams do, but he adamantly thought there was a rule in place that would prevent Robert Kraft from spending money advertising and creating an equitable atmosphere around the Revolution.

"I've been a fan for about 11 years, and I never actually thought it was possible for NFL ownership to care about soccer. I always accepted that soccer fans were just second place to big business, but this Atlanta United deal seems to show that it might be possible to create a mutually beneficial synchronous branding and advertising campaign between both sports enterprises. I am shocked."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marciano realizes that maybe some people don't view soccer as a second tier enterprise.

NWSL Rookie Announces Retirement After Long And Illustrious Career

Kansas City, KS  - FC Kansas City rookie Alison Ribaro announced her retirement from the National Women's Soccer League after a long and illustrious career of one season.

"I can't afford to move to Minnesota, even if the team DID move there. I can barely afford to live in Kansas City!"

"I'm really seeing the writing on the wall, and as much as I love soccer... I can't just live off of a few thousand dollars per year," stated Ribaro to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I've played the game since I was 10 years old, and I'll always treasure my professional career and my first paycheck of $600 that I used to pay living expenses for three weeks and put aside for some of the individual state taxes that are assessed on professional athletes."

According to inside sources, Ribaro was not in line to receive a call up to the US Women's Team and a desire to not remain destitute for the first 6 years of her life had Ribaro return to nursing school to further her career. Ribaro retires after 1 season, 15 games, and one team award for invaluable locker room presence.

"I know what my ceiling is, and if this league was further along I'd be able to stay, but the cost of playing soccer is just too high. For once in my life I'd like to be able to purchase a different ramen than Maruchan."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ribaro reconsiders her decision 10 minutes after her announcement is stated on twitter.

90 Minutes To Dictate Next Six Months Of Mental Health For Soccer Fans

Soccer fans watching their team battle for the final playoff spot in the west admitted that the final 90 minutes of games in the league will dictate the next six months of mental health for them as fall rolls into winter and the days become shorter.

"Why, Ozzie..... WHY?" 

Deborah Helms - Federal Way, WA

"Seasonal affective disorder AND the possible end of the season? I'm already feeling depressed, crushed and bored," stated Timbers fan Scott Howard who spoke with The Nutmeg News on Monday morning. "No, YOU sit in that house and weather the storms and crippling depression. And think about how you know its not going to be any better next year. Your team is never going to win."

Howard's Timbers may be on the outside looking in, but for fans of teams above the red line, things aren't any better.

"Woo. Thanks. No, its cool. Don't try and end the season in the spring when I can go outside and do yardwork and go for walks." stated Deborah Helms, a Seattle Sounders fan from Federal Way, Washington. "If we lose next weekend, its going to be a long winter. I'm not even certain if we should even BE in this position given how the middle of our season went."

"Anything can happen. ANYTHING. The final 90 minutes of the season have the possibility of leaving me effervescently buoyant or absolutely crushed," stated Quincy Adams, a Real Salt Lake fan from Ogden, Utah. "It's already dark, it isn't ski season yet, the weather is already changing and all I want to do is watch my team play in the playoffs so I don't have to spend the next few months thinking about the disappointing end to a long season"

The Nutmeg News, as well, spoke to Sporting Kansas City fan Dwayne Purcey who stated, "Already starting to get blustery, rain by the end of the month, getting those grey days, oh god... SKC.... you better make the playoffs. Lord knows that I can't rely on the Chiefs to make me feel better as them teetering on the edge of respectability is always a harbinger of a painful failure and spring training is too far away. For the love of all that is holy, you NEED to make the playoffs, I just need something in which to believe."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one fan slips into a dark depression after the end of the season.

 

Promotion And Relegation Advocate Doesn't Know Why, "Assholes and Pricks," Won't Help Him

Gainesville, FL - Promotion and Relegation advocate James Smith doesn't know why, "assholes and pricks," won't help him advocate for a complete regime change and playing system overhaul of US Soccer as he belligerently berated every supporters group in the country for enabling the current system.

It's YOUR fault that Promotion and Relegation isn't happening tomorrow you stupid asshole! And your stupid kids. And your stupid team. And your stupid fellow supporters. YOUR FAULT. I'm doing ALL the heavy lifting.

.

.

Now, could you please help me out?

"YOU SUPPORTERS ARE ALL ASSHOLES AND PRICKS, WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME," ranted Smith on his Twitter account @PRForUSAYouGuysOtherwiseYouAreAnAsshole.

"If more of you assholes would advocate for Promotion and Relegation we would have it right now," ranted Smith to every supporters group in MLS, NASL, NPSL and the USL as he tailored his message to ensure that he insulted every single member in as specific a way as possible.

"This is all just to get you fired up, because I'm TRYING to make you mad so that you lash out at Garber. All of you.... ALL OF YOU, deserve to get punched in the face, by me."

Reportedly, Smith thinks that frequently insulting, demeaning and being a lout online will engender support to his cause as he states, "The more I tell them how much they suck, they are awful, they are sheep, they are the root cause of all the problem, the more they are going to want to help out. IT IS SIMPLE LOGIC."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Smith decides to tell his friend Dave that he is fat, ugly, lazy, and worthless in order to try to get his help while moving apartments.

Dynamo Fan Finds Solace From Unending Political Diarrhea In Listless Road Draw

Houston, TX - Houston Dynamo fan Wade Gutierrez admitted that he took to the Houston Dynamo - Seattle Sounders game last night to find solace and escape from the unending political diarrhea that has infected his Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Dean Rutz The Associated Press

"I don't care if it was still Owen Coyle out there and we only had 5% possession AND even if we lost, It was still better than looking at my cousin and her friend argue about Donald Trump, online," stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News on Thursday morning. "At least the Dynamo were just out there trying to play. We could lose by 10 goals and it is still more entertaining than Facebook right now."

Reportedly, Gutierrez checked into his Facebook and Twitter feeds at the half of the game and realized that nothing good was happening there as he was sucked into a comment thread for a person he doesn't even follow as he slowly began to realize how awful some of the family he has in his life act to those around him.

"I don't mind politics in sport. I actually think that politics and sport are intertwined, but at least politics and sport give me a palatable dose of athletic endeavor. Posting online gives me nothing but the feeling that some of my family and friends have nothing better to do with their life but launch personal attacks at everyone that surrounds them and then hope that they doing so will enlighten everyone on their feed. I'll take David Horst and Demarcus Beasley over that shit any day of the week."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez takes to Facebook this morning to endlessly post comments about Ozzie Alonso and pictures of Ricardo Clark and Will Bruin in revenge for the 8 stupid racist news pages his aunt "liked" that showed up in his feed.